The Motherhood Choice

I feel just the opposite. Now that I am an empty nester, I wished that I had opted to have 3 children instead of just one and be a SAHM. I love motherhood.

I have always worked full time since my kids were born. Someone could easily say something to me that indicates they think l made a bad choice. And it would hurt. Isn't that ironic? People can criticize us both for opposite choices. So makes it pretty meaningless... You did what you thought was best for your child. No regrets there. Hard to say if you should say something to this person without knowing your relationship. But have they led a perfect life?... And yes - I think to a degree when kids hit a certain age we all face a bit of a midlife crisis. Don't feel bad about it. Being conscious most of us struggle with this should help.

I call those things soft spots, all of us have them. What you have to remember is that a soft spot is unique to us. No one pokes them on purpose.

It only hurts you because you are insecure about it. She only said it because she thinks you are confident there. I guess look at it as you do a really good job hiding that insecurity, even from yourself.

Still you know where it is so work on healing it.

Omg! Don't let ANYONE have that much power in your life!
You're going along living your life, pleased with your choices, and someone makes a flip remark and it's going to shake you to your core values?
We ALL make choices and we live with the choices we make.
It's a MYTH to believe that, as women, we can "have it all."
Yes, we can mother, have a career, volunteer, advocate, work out, be a liver to our mates, etc. etc. but it's ALL about balance.
No O. thing will grow unless it takes a wee bit from the others, kwim?
Do you regret having a child? Doesn't sound like it.
5 years from now, no O. will remember the work presentation you give to
tomorrow, but your child WILL remember your mommy-ness--ALWAYS!
Not to say work/career is unimportant, but no O. goes to the grave wishing for O. more day at work. We wish O. more day with those we love. There ya go....

I value my mother's opinion on many topics but there are some things she just doesn't know anything about and so can not form an informed opinion.
Those opinions I do not respect - although I love my Mom like nobody else.
If you are questioning the choices you made - fine and dandy but you are where you are with your family and what would you have done differently?
You make your peace with your past decisions when you realize you are at the best possible place you could be.
And you are - believe that wholeheartedly!

Where ever you go next - go boldly!
If you are going to make mistakes (and we all make them) - make BIG mistakes!
Do not tip toe through life timidly!
March right through life like you belong there - because you DO!

Ah, the Mommy Wars. There really is no right answer. There is just the answer that is right for you, and even then, we all sometimes wonder if we made the right choice.

I was a SAHM for 5 years and have been working full time for the last 3 years. When I went back to work I knew it was the right decision ... until a year later when my youngest started having a rough time at daycare and school. I spent the next couple of months doubting myself. I teach, so I'm basically a SAHM during the summer. By the end of July I always know that I am a better mom when I'm working full time ... until the next spring when our lives are crazy and I'm again asking myself why I'm not a SAHM. I'm really one of the lucky ones, because I have a great schedule and summers off. Not everyone can spend some time in both worlds every year and still make money for the family.

Most of the time when SAHM's give all the reasons why it's better to be a SAHM, it's, in part, because they are trying to convince themselves that they made the right decision. Unfortunately, they sometimes do that by pointing out the reasons moms who work outside the home are wrong to make that decision.

Similarly, most of the time when moms who work outside the home give all the reasons why they made the right decision and SAHM's are wrong, it's because they are really trying to convince themselves.

The truth is, there is an opportunity cost to every decision we make. When we decide to go to a movie, we are saying no to going bowling (or shopping or whatever). When we choose to stay home, we are saying no to job opportunities, and if we choose to work, we say no to some of that time with our kids.

Neither decision is 100% right or wrong. It just is. At some point, we have to accept what is, the good and the bad, and realize that we are doing the best we can with what we have. There are times when I know if I were a SAHM I could be there for my kids in some ways that I am not right now, but I also recognize the the many, many good things (and not just monetarily) that have come to our family because of my decision.

I really am doing the best thing for my family, and as long as my husband and I know that, that's really all I need.

All these questions do sound a little mid-life crisis-y.

Hindsight's 20/20. In hindsight, I wouldn't have let motherhood subsume as much of me as I did -- at least I would have started making money/working on my career earlier. But it is what it is. Life seems obvious, in hindsight.

Allow people to have their opinions. You did what you did, and I'm sure even you see the pros and cons of your choices at this point in time.

I dunno, I guess you could tell her that you're hurt if you wish, but probably the main reason it hurt you was that you are questioning your decisions as well.

Let it go. It doesn't really ultimately matter. That person isn't perfect either.

Wow Julie, very insightful.

I think regretting your choice is giving someone else power over what choice you made and they are making you feel bad about it. You made a choice. That's it. And enjoy your choice and don't look back. There are no guarantees your choice before would have wound up perfectly and you are in this choice. Love it. Celebrate it. To heck with the person who hurt you.They aren't paying your bills-that I know of... and you are in your life. And believe me, life is filled with interruptions to our 'choices' and you can choose to love what is there or waste a lot of energy on the 'what ifs' Sometimes these challenges turn out to be the best thing on earth that ever happened. HUGS.

Let me just say that the most important job that you can do is be a mom to your kids. The job is priceless. You are molding a person, teaching, loving, etc... No daycare can give that to a child the way a mommy can. Next time just say matter of factly, " I am proud that I can stay home and raise my child. It is the most important job in the world." Be thankful for what you have.

When new doors open, others doors always close, but this doesn't mean you give anything up. it just means you ended up someplace else. For me, we always get where we are suppose to be, even if we can't always see it right now.

I think the other Julie makes a really good point: People can't see our soft spots.

Mostly, though, the most important choice we can make is to care for our families. We each get to decide how we can best do this, and it really isn't for anyone else to judge.

I can tell you this, my career path wouldn't have worked with having small children. I had to make a real choice about what i wanted, and while i miss the old me sometimes, over the years I've come to love the new me. They are only little once. Soon they will all be gone and it will be back to silence.

We all do the best we can with the information and choices we have at any given time. What else can we expect of ourselves? Of course in hindsight, it's easy to look back and second-guess our decisions. I do often wonder what would have happened if only I had... done whatever. But you know, all of those choices led me to this moment. I wouldn't trade any of them in, even the painful ones.

Your friend had no idea, I'm sure, what those words meant to you. I'm sure they'd never have said them if they had any inkling. I wouldn't bring it up with that person. There's no reason you couldn't go back to work one day, when you're able, and if you want to at that time. We can all make changes as we go.

Try not to worry. You will be whoever you were going to be, no matter what the path there looks like.

I gave up all of my career plans to stay home with my kids. I'd have a PhD and be teaching in college right now if it had all gone as planned and I had no kids. But, I decided to have kids, and that meant (for me) that I was going to stay home with them for a long time (we have 4).
So, I reevaluated my career opportunities a few years ago, tried out some of them to see if I liked them (teaching, going back to school, running an RE program) but finally decided to open a restaurant. Yup, I have a degree in Philosophy and I'll be restaurant owner in the end. And I got to stay home when the kids were little and beyond.

Nothing went as planned. It was a long road to get here. I ignored any and all people who judged my decisions, it's not their business and I had to learn to not care what they thought. Many people have told me over the years that I was too smart to stay home...um, thanks for the backhanded compliment, you know?

If you are hurt, talk to them. Say, "You may not have meant it that way, but when you said x, it made me feel y (hurt, dismissed, rejected)."

If you regret it, regret it on your terms, and not those defined for you. If this person had said nothing, would you feel this way? And are there others who do not share that opinion? Sometimes we hold the negative without the positive.

Remember, life is a journey. Erma Bombeck did not start her writing career til she was in her late 30s, after having children. There's nothing to say you can't return to the workforce at another point, choose another career, reinvent yourself. I am not who I was at 23, or at 30 and probably won't be the same when I'm 60. Right now, working PT works really well for me and my family and anyone who thinks less of me for doing it can take a hike. If you feel you are losing yourself, there are plenty of things you can do that are a middle ground. I like working and having my own money, and I like time with my child. Perhaps one day I'll get my Master's. I've considered taking up the violin again. I recently started doing zumba. And remember, what you do is not the entirety of who you are. Do not let this other person's opinion define you with one comment.

Also, take a good look around. I see moms of all kinds and we all have something. This mom is tired because her sons run her ragged. That mom is tired because her daughter is struggling in school. That other mom started college again...and got pregnant and never sleeps now between school and baby. We ALL have our struggles. Yours are probably no worse than anyone else. You are normal. Don't compare yourself unfavorably to someone else's highlight reel.

The very eloquent response that I wrote and edited was cleared by the errant click of a mouse, so now I'm writing the briefer version...

First of all, time and perspective do not make what was the right choice at one point in time into a wrong choice. It simply means that your views now are different. It means that none of us can see the future to know what any path holds for us.

Secondly, I don't think that you need to "make a point" but I do think that it's OK to open a dialogue. In my mind, the main difference is not to show the other person that they're wrong but that there may be other ways to look at things. In this case, you probably won't change his/her mind on the path that you've taken. You can, however, help him/her to see that it's hurtful to show that you "think less" of someone. That's the difference between telling my child that I'm disappointed in a choice that she has made (yes, we do this and discuss other alternatives) and telling her that I think less of her (I would never do this).

Lastly, I'm sorry that you're struggling with these feelings. It's always hard when we think "what if", but it should be wonderful when we think "this is my life". I hope you find that peace without too much more soul searching...

When I announced my pregnancy, my co-workers with kids offered me congratulations, and shared that my life would never be the same. Guess what, they were right. When you take responsibility by introducing a living needing thing into your life, whether its a houseplant, a pet, or a child, you have to give of yourself/ your time/ money/ energy to accommodate it.

Sometimes when we are busy doing what needs to be done we don't have time to stop and reflect whether it is what we want/ wish to be doing. Seems like the remark might have highlighted your unfulfilled desires.

If I were in your shoes, I would acknowledge that I felt a sense of loss/regret for having sidelined my career, and would acknowledge that I wished to resume it. Then I would promise to revisit this thought every 6 months or yearly, whatever interval feels right so that I could examine whether I could put things into place to resume a career path. I would be open too to seeing whether the career thing even still remains a desire (it could peter out if you find contentment elsewhere). What I wouldn't do is allow this thought, which cannot be acted on now (without resources to start anew), to undermine your current and ongoing state of mind, and to seed unhappiness in your relationship with your daughter.

Best,
F. B.

Don't let other people make you question your choices. I think staying home with your children is a good thing a woman can do. It's not for everyone, but everyone who decides to be a SAHM deserve the same respect as a woman who decides to continue her career. I was a SAHM for 10 years because I felt it was the best option for my family. I wanted to be the main caregiver for our children. I just went back to work about a year ago. I fell into a fabulous career as a consultant and it worked out just perfect because this second career offers a lot of flexibility for me. Just because you are taking some time off now doesn't mean you can't go back to a career. Granted, it may be a bit harder to get back into the game, but if you bring enthusiasm, a solid education and good knowledge you will be able to reboot your career.

It is funny..you are right when you state none of us know the answer to choices we make and we do what wee think is best. I love being a sahm.I do work part time from home but those times I have to be on the computer instead of playing that game or drawing that picture with my child is hard. Time flies and you will never get this chance to see every moment of your child's life but you can always go back to work in the future. Imo being a sahm is the hardest but most rewarding job. I would not make a point of anything with my friend. She has her opinions but it is just that...an opinion.

When I talk to respected older adults I know, it seems more than a coincidence that those who have worked during their children's childhoods say they regret not cutting back and spending more time at home during the younger years. I never have heard a regret from a sahm that now has grown kids.
Nevertheless, there is no right answer and I know plenty of people who love working and having a balance in their own lives, but enjoy that opportunity you have with your child. you can never get that time back with them and each year they attend school you may miss those lunches together and extra time at the playdgrounds.