The "I Want_i Want" Stage

Hello L.

I have 3 children, ages 10, 4 and 2. When we shop each child gets to pick out something off the list that is their snack/treat for the week and that is it. When/if they ask for something else I remind them that they already have their snack and stand firm about not giving in to anything else. This takes awhile to learn, but after awhile each child learns that they are only getting their one thing and my 10 yr old seldom asks for anything else.

You don't necessarily have to say NO the entire time you shop, if christmas is coming up have the child add the wanted item to their wish list. If their birthday is coming up this also works.

Setting a pattern of Not giving in and buying everytime you go to the store will help calm the I WANTS. If you give in and buy everytime, you are teaching the child to expect something everytime you go to the store. Most children out grow the I want I want to some degree, others are more persistant.

Hope this helps.

I taught my children to say, "I like" instead of, "I want" so I would know what they would like and it became more of a communication time instead of a demanding time. Then we could talk about what they like about things.
N.-Mother of 4 (boy age 7, boy age 6, boy age 4, girl age 2)

I have a 3 1/2 year old and a 19 month old. I too had the same issues with the "I wants". I would simply say this to my 3 1/2 yr old..."That look's like it would be a lot of fun, we have to put that on your Birthday (or whatever Holiday was coming up) list. The I would change the subject and talk about his B-Day party or about Santa. If there are no Holiday's close enough to be realistic, I will tell him that he would have to do a job at home to earn money to buy it himself. Then we change the subject to what jobs he can do to earn money i.e. pick up toys take out the trash and so on.
9 times out of ten this works. Hope this helps!

Hi L.,

This is a great question and can be tough to correct because your child has confused her developmental need for attention and your response to that need, with her request to purchase something, let me explain.

Attention: All little ones are developmentally focused on seeing what makes Mommy react and what makes Mommy pay attention to me. Think about it, when you say, "No we’re not buying this today", what do you do? AND look at this from a preschooler’s point of view.
You stop what you're doing, your turn your head, you look directly at her, and then you talk to her. To a preschooler that’s a bunch of attention, I call this "a slice of parent pie".

I can hear some of you now, "but sometimes I yell, how is that the type of attention she wants?"

She knows there are other ways to get a bigger or nicer piece of attention, or parent pie, but since she’s so young, she’s willing to take what she can get.

Buy it for me today: A child will continue to make requests for you to buy her something until she feels that her request has been heard.

Solution: The best way to handle this is not to ignore her request, AND definitely don't give in and buy it for her. The best way to handle this is to give her some place to put her desire to purchase something, and the way you handle this also fills her need for attention.

I suggest that you buy a .99 notebook and pen and keep it with you at all times. When she says, "Oh, I have to have it!" instead of creating a power struggle and saying No! ask her this,
“I know you understand that we aren't buying this today, do you love it enough to put it in your wish book? Should we put it on the list for Christmas or on your birthday list?"

Doing this shows her, I hear you, I do pay attention to you, and your desires are taken seriously, we’re just handling things the way Mommy wants too.
This works well.
For more information just like this go to, www.proactiveparenting.net (notice .net)

Hi,
We've definitely gone through this. First of all, since the "I want" message really grates on my nerves, I've coached my daughter to say "I would like..." instead. It may be a subtle difference, but it helps me to hear the request in nicer words.

Then if it is something I don't intend to get for her, I tend to answer with "I hear that you want that - it looks really neat, doesn't it? But we're here to get X. Would you like to choose what type of X we're going to buy today?" I try to let her know that I understand that she's exploring the world and things look great, and then try to get her interested / divert her to what we're there to do. Sometimes being able to pick out the soup, or which type of fruit she wants is really just as fun for her.

Now, if there is a treat that I don't mind getting for her, I will say OK, and it can be a treat for helping me with the shopping. If she starts misbehaving in the store, the treat goes back to the shelf.

Once I make a decision, I do try to stick to my guns. I am still in charge, even while I try to deal with the situation gently. Also, I've had friends who give in more easily, and the "I want" gets more and more insistent, and sometimes even turns into "I need..." I'd rather not be in that situation, or have a child who expects to get a treat every time we walk into a store.

My advice: make yourself a plan as to how you're going to deal with the situation (before you're in one!), and stick with it for a couple of weeks. If things aren't getting better, try something else. Good luck!

With our first, even though I was consistent with saying no, we have horrible tantrums. I found leaving the store when the tantrum started fixed it after 1 or 2 times. If at the grocery store, just take you cart to customer service and appologize and explain you'll come back when your daughter won't disturb the other patrons. They'll be grateful, because nobody wants to listen to a tantruming child. Just be sure to tell them if you have already started getting perishables, so they don't loose profits. That method is especially impactful if there is something in the cart that the child really wanted. Like I said, I only had to do it once or twice.

Start allowance but not without a chore.
The chore can not be hard, but then if he has the money he can buy it. You simply ask him if he has and tell him the price. If he doesn't have the money you tell him how much more he needs. A little more work and maybe then he can afford it. Keep it simple.
Let him have his rewards within his age group - this is how you learn the correct use of saving money and being able to responsibly buy something you want.

It can be as easy as sweeping a floor (don't expect miracles) this is when they are the most helpful and want to please.
(a dustmop works wonders a little later on)
Putting a new roll of toilet paper on when it is needed.
Stirring the gravy - yep standing on a chair with you watching. Don't make a big deal if he makes a little mess. Tell your helper Mommy makes messes too.
As you are going along - he can get a tissue for you. Make him/her feel needed.
You pay right away - or when Daddy gets home. Keep your list of helps.
You'll be surprised (if yours is like mine) (he'd rather save the money - and wait for a birthday or Christmas to ask for a gift)
However, my son at the age of 5 for Christmas wanted a home near Disneyworld equipted with Nintendo
and Santa did not get either. So disappointment quickly set in - when he didn't get what he wanted and guess what he's 19 now and still remembers that I told him not to chew on the house at two (the window sill) that someday this house might be his and he wouldn't want to explain to his kids that this (pointing to the windowsill) is where you tried to eat the house.)

Only give him pennies at first. Yes, the neighbor kids will come over and ask if they can play with the money. One was so bold at 3 years old she asked to play with Colton's quarters. She was so cute - Colton let her. It was his money.
She probably did more to encourage saving than I ever could. She couldn't play with his quarters if he didn't have them to play with.
It's about control. If he didn't want her to play with it he would have said no.
You will be surprised at what they absorb and retain.

Good Luck!

I got my girls through this by saying.... We are not here to get that today, but you can help mommy pick out the apples. The "I wants" really never go away but they get used to this response and know that they won't get _____. If you give in during a weak moment then you will have to start over. If you plan on getting a "treat", let her know before that it is on your list to get a little something.

As she gets older and begins to understand money, you can talk to her about having a budget for your purchases. Then she can save her money and budget her treats.

Just remember that they are always watching. If we say we don't have the money for extras and then put a new pair of shoes on the credit card... that is sending a poor money management message. Help her to have good skills from the start!

Enjoy this stage before long it will be "but Suzy has one..."
LOL

Hi L.,
Yes it is a very normal stage, this is how I handled it and it actually worked. I told my boys that I was not going to say that they couldn't have something in the store, but I did tell them "not right now." I told them that at special times of the year they would get a little spending money either for a birthday or Christmas etc, and sometimes I would give them a special day of the month to look forward to and I would set aside a little money for each of them. I would mark it on a big calendar and mark off the days with them. Then on that day, if they had not said I want I want in the store, they got their money to choose something that they could bring home. It 5taught them patience, appropriateness in the store and it also helped them to prioritize what they would like. They are 13 and 14 yrs old now and if i say no to something it is very rare that they question it. They even each had relatively positive attitudes when they each found themselves with their wallets lost. They have an unusual sense of their responsibility in situations. Try it. It took about two full months of this to break them of the habit of I want, but by the time they were 4 yrs old they were able to go into Toys R Us and just look without expecting or asking for anything.

JUST SAY NO! Tell her that she doesn't get stuff every time you go out of the house. Just say no, don't give into tantrums or fits. She can say "I want" all she wants to, just explain once she cannot have anything today. She is testing you right now and just keep calm and say no. Then walk away from the toy she is playing with or keep her out of the toy sections at the store! She will give it up in a few months. My daughter never asked for a thing, even now at 6 she asks once and I will say simply and nicely "not today". My son however thinks with every outing he should get something, I have explained to him that isn't going to happen. There was one huge fit at the Disney store when we went to get a bday present, but he got over it and was put into time out when he got home...hasn't happened again. Also the times it stops, we go run a ton of errands and they have behaved and not asked for something I will reward them with a piece of candy, pack of gum or even a small toy (dollar ones at Target). We have a chart right now at home that if they act up or break rules they get frowny faces, they also get happy faces, for every 35 happy faces for doing what they should for two weeks without issue they get a $5 to 10 card from Target to get a surprise, it is amazing how if they have to earn it things change drastically and they are a lot more proud of themselves.

Hello L., my son went through that and is almost 3. I just started having him pick the things we needed. Like what cereal would you like, or pick the milk, what color jello. Tehn he felt like he got something, just something we needed. I say no alot. But give an inch, you know what I mean. This is a tough age for mothers. Im a first time mother and it hasnt gotten easier. Good luck..

I don't agree with the statement one mom said:
"You will experience fits but be persistant and follow through because children are cleaver and they know how to play on Mommies guilts."

Most of the mom's who responded were really harsh and make the child out to be the villan when really a 2 1/2 yr old can conceptualize using her mom's guilt or even understand why she can't have something. When I am at the store, I tell them that I think what they want is really neat and even engage them into telling my why they like it, and let them know that we didn't come to the store for that. My favorite response is...you should put it on your christmas list. Then they feel as if they CAN have it.

Kids just want things the same as we want things and they are at the disadvantage since they don't have the wallet. We on the other hand get what we want and as americans mostly overspend anyway.

Just a little perspective.

-J.

Yes, it is very normal. At her age she is learning many things. It sounds as if she is realizing that there are many neato things she would like to have, and now she wants them. This age is still it's all me, me , me. So now you need to prepare her. Before entering the store ask her if she wants anything(if you are willing to buy her anything at this time). If she responds with several items, doll, barbie, candy tell her that if she lets you do your shopping you will allow her to pick one item. If she still continues on the I want when shopping, than respond to her once with remember we talked about this and we agreed that you could get item #1. After that simple ignore the I wants, or redirect her to another conversation.Or have her bring a toy a long to keep her mind occupied while shopping. Children learn quickly that if they dont ask than they wont get it, so whats the harm in asking.Sometimes saying "no" is the simple solution, along with thats not what we came to buy today. I am unsure of your daughters temperment but all children test. They want to know. Everything is so exciting and basically a new adventure. The sitations that we adults take for granted or still stimulus for toddlers.The are still seeing things for the first time and it's all very exciting for them. New places, new smells, new sounds, new tastes...you get the picture. Anyway...hope this helps. Have you gone through the why stage yet? Thats a real fun one too!
Good Luck!
N.

Hi L. -

When your daughter "wants" things, ask her how bad she wants it and what would she be willing to "exchange" for it. When you can help your child understand that "giving" is just as - if not more important - than "receiving" and that there is a value on the things we have, they give their "wants" a second thought and the tantrums are fewer.

Hope this helps.

M. M. Ernsberger
Mind-Body Therapist

Like you said, this is pretty normal for them to do that at this age. Just say no and move on. Try to distract her with something else if she throws a fit. It's critical at this stage not to give in if she throws a tantrum, which she most likely will. She's demonstrating a power struggle with you and you just need to let her know who's boss. Good luck.

Reply with No - or not today..

This is a harsh response, I know but it will pay off in the long run. You will experience fits but be persistant and follow through because children are cleaver and they know how to play on Mommies guilts. We all go through it as parents.

If child freaks out in store- just leave- it only takes a few times for them to figure out that you are serious. Once they know the fit doesn't work they won't try it again.

You can reward your child as she gets older with treats every now and then. It is important that they understand they can't have everything they want.

When they are older you can do an allowance and if they want it they can buy it.

Hope that helps..

L.,
My three year old daughter went through this stage about a year and a half ago. My hubby and I put a stop to it immediately. We endured stares in grocery stores as she screamed I want I want. We simply ignored the outbursts. BUt we realized that wasn't working. So, in the end, we told her in adult tones, that her behavior was not appropriate not would it be tolerated. if she was good we would buy her a balloon, or let her ride the free horse ride, or let her play the crane game. A small reward. And we also told her if she wanted something she needed to ask like abig girl "Can I PLEASE..." and then THANK YOU. ANd she's been quite good with only one or two outbursts since. And what's more, by the time were getting ready to leave, she's forgotten about the balloon, and the horse, she wants to play the crane game, a mere dollar or fifty cents for being well behaved.
A.