The Guilt - 4 Yr Old Daughter Wants Me to Play with Her ALL DAY

I hardly EVER played with my kids!
I did read to them, and snuggled with them, and took them to the park/pool/beach where they had a chance to run around and socialize. But actually sitting down to play? Not much.
I also had friends with kids come over a lot so my kids had plenty of playmates.
She just wants to be with you. Involve her in what you are doing, "do you want to help mommy fold laundry? start dinner? work in the garden?" If she says no, say ok then you can play while I finish my chores :)

Make doing chores play. Let her help you fold clothes and put things away. Tell her the more she helps you the faster things will get done and you wil have more time to play with her. When you need to mop floors or vacuum tell her she need to watch a movie or play by herself.

No, what she says is you START them off playing with something then you leave after about 10 min. You need to encourage her to play alone and reward her for a job well done.

Oh my goodness, no! How in the world would I ever get anything done?? What I've always done is to involve them in what I'm doing. Even when my oldest was barely 2, I'd give her a dust rag and show her how to dust the coffee table while I dusted the higher-up things. Little kids are great at dusting baseboards. Your daughter can match up socks when you fold laundry. She can help you mix or stir things while you make dinner. As long as they feel like they are "helping" you, and they feel included, they are happy.

Likewise, we would create our grocery shopping list together. I would write up the list in neat handwriting, and then I'd sit her in the front of the cart with the list and a pencil and have her mark off each item as I put it in the cart. Even a child who can't yet read can find items on a list. (You may need to say, "Milk... mmmmmmmilk - what letter does Milk start with?")

You can also tell her that after lunch, or after nap, you will take her to the park or to story time at the library. That way she can interact with other children, or just run around and let off steam. Or when you're out running errands, stop at PetSmart and let her look at the hamsters and parakeets. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just fit in little things that she enjoys here and there.

Bottom line, of course children think that your whole world should revolve around their every want and wish, but realistically, that's not how the world works. You just need to gently direct her toward helping you around the house. Even being so young, she should still contribute to the running of your household and being helpful to you. Play with her or take her to do "kid stuff" as you can. There is no need to feel guilty; she fits into your world, not the other way around. Children have grown up for the past 50,000 years without their parents spending every waking moment playing with them, with no ill effects. :)

Remember those family schedules that Supernanny makes? Or is it the other show? Make yourself a schedule and put playtime on it. Those schedules are definitely NOT all playtime. She emphasizes that mommy must also get her work done; in fact, there's more of that than there is of playtime, by far.

I do not spend the entire day playing with my daughter (also 4) - some days more than others, but not all the time. I need to get other things done, and she needs to learn to be able to entertain herself. Being able to self-entertain is a valuable skill, but it needs to be taught. I think the issue on Supernanny sometimes is you have people who don't get down and play with their kids and spend quality time with them at all, or expect the TV to always entertain them and be an electronic babysitter.

I would try upping the amount of time you do spend on average - maybe shoot for 20 to 30 minutes of playtime, then tell her you have to do XYZ now. You can try setting a timer for the amount of time that she will be expected to entertain herself, say 30 minutes, then you will play a game with her, whatever. Make sure she does have things that she can entertain herself with - my daughter does have coloring books, crayons, paper, play-doh, toy sets, sticker books, etc. that don't really require me to get directly involved. I will play some things with my daughter (like board games and card games) and other things I do tell her she needs to play with her friends because the truth is, I'm just not that into it (like hide-and-seek and tag).

If she starts to whine and cry, discipline her for it. I tell my daughter all the time if she is going to carry on like that because she does not like what I am telling her, she can go do it in her room, because I am not going to listen to it. She is not to go following me around, being a pest and sticking her pouty face into my face, begging for attention.

I know it's hard, and I have struggled with the same guilty feelings, but I do think it's a balance that we have to find. Sometimes spending quality time with your kids and giving them happy memories of a mom that played with them needs to be more important than how clean the house is. But they also need to understand that you are not their constant playmate and the dishes and the laundry are not going to do themselves. It doesn't take that much time to load the dishwasher or fold up some laundry, and then go back to playing a game with your kids - and the kids can learn to be patient and wait for Mom to be ready to spend one-on-one time with them. I think in some ways it is harder when you have an only child (like mine) instead of a couple of siblings to entertain each other. But siblings sometimes mean bickering and arguments that have to be broken up too.

I spent lots of time with my kids but almost never "played". I read every day, walked, talked, went to the park & beach, set them up to do art or crafts and played board games. In turned they "helped" me fold laundry, pick up toys in their "box with a rope", pulled weeds, swept with a mini broom and any other chore that a little person can try to do.
They love to help at that age even if it's not much help. Also whining and crying because your Mom won't play with you was not allowed. She's plenty old enough to understand that. Why in the world would you feel guilty??!!

Hi Mom,
I agree with ReverenRuby. My 4 year old helps me mop, sweep, vaccuum, do laundry, do dishes.

It not only keeps him happy, but he's learning important life skills.
t

Michele S. had a great suggestion: make a schedule which is sure to include playtimes and your time to get your word done.

I wrote a post on this (children, household responsibilities and daily rituals) last week, if you want a longer explanation:
http://skyteahouse.blogspot.com/2012/03/rituals-and-respo...

Basically, be sure to include consistent time each day for you to be together, and to be apart. Each day I include two 20-30 minute 'connection' times (one playtime in morning, one reading time in afternoon and if possible, another chunk of time for a game) AND time for me to take a break. PM me if you want help with starting a daily Quiet Time.

Being consistent as to *when* those times happen each day will help. And then follow through. My son knows that he can count on me sitting down to do what *he* wants at least once a day. The time we spend connecting immediately before Quiet Play Time makes it easier for us to be separate-- I go and read for 45-60 minutes each day. This is necessary for both of us.

Kids need to see us 'having a life' and they need to learn their place in the world. They are important, and so are we all, so are the tasks that need tending to during the day. When my son gets whiny about it, I try to involve him and if he refuses, I basically tell him to go play. He's not allowed to pester me, or he's sent to his room.

As I type this, my husband just emerged from the bathroom where he was keeping our almost five year old son 'company'. "The truth finally came out. He said 'Dad, I'm just sitting here so I can spend more time with you.'" So know this-- it's not just your kid! :)

I don't spend all day playing with kids. They are too busy exploring and entertaining themselves. Some kids are great at entertaining themselves, others are not. I remember my SIL talking about how her two little independent girls played so well together and by themselves. Then, she added a third, and he was the clingiest, neediest, couldn't entertain himself, or do things for himself kid ever! It was a real adjustment in parenting, and it was really hard on my SIL. Sorry you have guilt, but you just have one of those kids. You'll need to work on encouraging self-entertaining, and independence. I find most every human personality trait has and up side and a down side. Perhaps the upside of a needy dependent child is an extra special parent/child bond. Hang in there, she's almost in school.

No, I don't spend all day playing w/or entertaining my kids.
However, I do play with them.
I don't think the Supernanny would tell you to play w/your kids all day.
You have to get things done.
It does get better.
My stepdtr was like that until she was about 6.
It was hard but back then I played w/her more than I play w/my son now because I am the only one doing housework around here.
I do not get much help.
I think you can and should devote some time to playing w/your kids.
You can do that & still get things done.
When my son is quietly playing w/his toys, I will jam around the house getting A LOT done.

I have the same guilt so you are not alone. In the morning, my 2-year-old "helps" me do the dishes. I give her a sippy to wash and she stands besides me on a step stool near the sink. Other tasks I just leave well enough alone for the weekend or when she's napping.

We spend most of the day out of the house which makes it less tempting for me to do my own thing. The morning is for her. WE go to a playgroup, park, indoor playground, story hour, etc.

The afternoon is for me. Running errands, etc. I feel less guilty because i set aside the morning for her.

And remember Supernanny is just a TV show. The media is not superior know-it-alls to real motherhood.

*sigh* my son is like this too, and most days it drives me up the wall. he is the oldest and i definitely know that before i had his sister, i felt guilty whenever i wasn't entertaining him in some way. if he ever started to play by himself, i felt like i had to jump in and play along with him and that i wasn't 'stimulating' him enough. i mentally slap myself for it every single day now--he does NOT ever play by himself. even if he starts to, he starts whining about somebody playing with him and even follows his little sister around trying to get her to play with him even when she doesn't want to. she happily does her own thing because i LET her from day 1. i worry that my son is always going to be so needy--especially when it will come to his social life. he gets so upset if someone at preschool or one of my daycare kids won't play with him, and i really fear that he will always be a clingy/needy peer that nobody will want to be around because of it.

take small steps, and make sure to praise her when she is doing her own thing. i definitely do not spend all day playing with him or organizing activities for him, i have other kids to take care of and things to do. but HE does spend all day begging to be entertained, and i'm hoping that it will get better as he learns that i'm really not going to give in to his whining. And please don't ever feel guilty--i was the 4th out of 5 kids and i don't remember ever playing with my mom or dad as a kid. i'm extremely close with my mom and always have been, i just didn't see her as a playmate until i was an adult and we started drinking together haha

I have one of those children. My son just turned 5 and wants me to play with him or "keep him company" 24/7. I don't feel guilty anymore for telling him no if I have chores to do; however, if I just want to read or "work" on the computer for a little while, I still feel guilty sometimes. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Oh, one more thing. I have finally accepted that I did not make him this way. This is how he came out of my belly. A friend of mine has 4 children. Her youngest daughter entertains herself so well that my friend feels bad because a few hours go by and she hasn't interacted with her daughter because daughter hasn't asked her to. My friend actually has to seek her daughter out and ask if she'd like to play with HER!! My friend said that her daughter has always been like that.

A happy medium between these two would be HEAVEN!!

Good luck to you!!

My son gets that way too, and yeah, drives me nuts. What I've found works is the following: Very early in the "can you play with me" process, I recruit my son as a helper, as in: "Ooh, I'm so glad you're here! We are going to play 'Clean the kitchen,' and it is going to be SO MUCH FUN! Let's defeat the dirt monsters!"

Thing is, this has to happen early on. If I try to put my son off or ignore him, he goes into this entrenched clinging/demanding/bossy mode where he can't be easily redirected. But if I get him involved in whatever I'm doing right off the bat, he'll either be a truly useful little helper or drift off and do his own thing.

I totally feel for you because I am in the same boat. I just had my second baby last month and that has caused me to have way less time with my 2 year old daughter than I had before and I feel so freakin guilty. You can tell that she is just craving attention and I cant do it all day long. On top of needing to care for the newborn I am also exhausted so she doesnt get my full 100% and my heart just breaks everytime she asks to play and I have to say "I cant right now" or "in a little bit". Please if anyone has any Super Mommy tips on how to help with this problem please feel free to pass them along because my two feet and heart beat appear to need a bit of extra help when it comes to caring for both kids and getting stuff done around the house
Good Luck

I have totally been in the same boat as you. I've asked a pretty similar question before and received many of the same answers as you, to wit: "Have him help you with chores. Make helping around the house a game." I hope you have better luck with that than I did, because that so did NOT work for me.

Things have gotten better, though, and I don't know if it's because my son just grew older and more mature or if I just sort of let my guilt go. I try to set aside time that's just for him, and I will play games that we both enjoy if I have time. But there are definitely things that he wants to do that just aren't fun for me, and I will tell him so.

I am right there with you sister ! My 3 year old son wants to play with him and have me be right next to him 24/7. I must hear the word "momma" (calling me from another room) 500 times a day. Whoa! enough to drive anyone crazy : )
I love the little guy but geewhiz!
Imma try some of the suggestions you just got.

I have 2 kids who are 5 and 9.
Granted, kids at certain ages, get clingy.
But all along since they were born, I just did what I have to do around the house. So my kids grew up "knowing" that. It was just household routines.
Sure, I spent time with them and still do... but they also, play on their own and are independent. They know that there are times for certain things.

Maybe, make a poster, and on it, write down (even if she can't read yet), the "routines" everyday. Or draw pictures on it.
Then show her, what is going on for that day.
Kids need to know that. And if you show them and explain to them, then they get a sense of what is coming up, and what is happening that day etc.

It is, impossible, to play with your child, EVERY single second.
She as she gets older, will need to learn that. But each kid is different.
We are not all "Mary Poppins."

Or, get her involved in what you are doing. ie: when you are cleaning, have her "help" you. She does not have to do it perfectly, but give her a towel and have her "wipe" the tables or something. And "sweep" etc.
Have her, learn those things. So she feels a part of what is going on.
She is at an age where she can learn to "help" and do things around the house.