Thanks for Everyone's Comments...

Do you feel it is the end because he won't have another child or if you have another one it would end it? I would recommend not having another child. Most likely he will resent you and the new baby.

I always thought I would have two children. I asked my husband when my daughter was 2 yrs. old when we were having a second, he said we are not. I did not have another child with him. We are now divorced and I am looking in to adoption. I knew when he said no more children, he was dead set and serious.

I feel the same way however I also decided that if they need medical, school, etc that I have enough. I love them also. And wish that I had at least one more but have found that I do already have the best why start over.

ARE YOU KIDDING? You have 4 beautiful children with this man and you'd leave him because he thinks 4 is enough? You didn't mention how old he is, if you both work and how you intend to get all of these kids out of the nest (cars, college, etc.) Maybe he feels like he has enough on his plate taking care of his family of 5 without making it 6.

Shame on you for considering leaving your husband and the father of your children because of selfish desires.

Having read your update, I felt I needed to add this: your desire to have a baby to cement your marriage is not fair either to your husband nor to the baby. What a burden for him, he has to be cute, healthy, fulfilling and a bandaide for a troubled marriage. A baby is often the straw that breaks the marriage. I would tell your husband that you are going to counseling to discover why you are so unhappy in your marriage. he can come or he can resist, but you will know what your issue is and then decide where to put your efforts.
Your thinking re; cause and effect is off here sort of like the 55 yr old man who goes out and gets himself a trophy wife. He assumes that will make him happy. Both the baby and the wife are efforts to turn back the clock. I wish you well in your efforts to find satisfying life.
K.

I think what you are fearing is a lack of identity and purpose. "If I am no longer needed by a baby, what will I do?" Most "accidents" happen when the baby goes to kindergarten. That happened with my own mother and she had her 5th at 40. He is fine, but it was a real strain on our family.
I remember those same feelings and having dreams of having gotten pregnant when my baby went off to kindergarten. So, assuming that you are suffering from the same angst, here are some ideas, in no particular order:
1. Go get tested for a career at the community college, find out who you realy are.
And start making plans for your post stay at home M. role.

2. Become a foster M.. You can tell CPS that you will only take babies, only school age, whatever you want. You will receive a small amount of compensation and kid's medical insurance is taken care of.

3. Decide how the world needs fixing and set about fixing it. Volunteer to advocate for abused children (CASA) or be a mentor in the shcols. Advocate for the mentally ill, work in your church's food pantry.

Recognize that this is your year to morph into a new stage. It may be almost as painful as adolescence without the acne. Fortunately, you already have your mate picked out so that difficulty is solved. Do not make this about him, it is about you. Kiss, make up and try to figure out what comes next.
Good luck.
K.

I went on got a masters degree, had a wonderful career, learned several languages and got involved in politics. all that mommy energy once harnassed can change the world.

Well don't let it end your marriage. You marriage is super important for the children you have right now. When my husband and I were very newly married we got some advice that has helped us so much. Our pastor told us that sometimes it is better to make the wrong decision and be in unity that to make the right one and not be. Basically, our agreement as a couple is what would see us through regardless of if every decision we made was right or not. So maybe you are right maybe he is, but somehow you guys have to get a meeting of the minds and walk together once again. What I do when we hit something that is just impossible to agree upon is I tell God what I want and ask him to talk to that man I married about it. If what I want is OK and I can have it, I ask God to change his heart. Maybe what I want isn't what is best so if I see no change on his part, I try to just leave it alone. That way I can walk in love toward my man and know that God will bring up things that my husband just can't receive from me for whatever reason. You never know, you may want another child badly but it might be risky for your health in ways you are unaware of and God may be using your husband as a safety guard for you. I am not saying that is the case, just throwing out a possible scenario. It may sound silly but I cannot tell you the times I pray about something and my husband will come to me and say almost verbatim what I was asking God for. Also those times where I have just absolutely pushed for what I want and gotten it, it hasn't gone well, just seems to kind of blow up in my face. So I know it is hard but if you let it go and purpose to be happy in your marriage and with your kids, you may get what you want in the end. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out!

Wow, 4 kids and you want #5- or else you contemplate divorce? You might want to think what your life would be like with hubby gone and you providing for 4 kids on child support and no other help in your daily life...

I really loved being pregnant, but after #3 I had my tubes tied. I watched my sweet hubby struggle to provide for us. I wanted all of our children to go to college, too so, I decided 3 was plenty. He would have agreed to more, but I wanted a quality life for each of them and I did not think we could give that to them if we kept having a baby every 3 years. We'd have a dozen by now.. LOL.

Is your hubby stressed out about having to provide for your large family? Maybe he feels overwhelmed and has "lost his wife to mommyhood"? Is your house a "child war zone"? I made my kids keep their stuff in THEIR room. No mess in the den! Have you asked him why he feels this way? Is he about to lose his job? Stressed at work? When was the last time you two went out by yourselves and I don't mean McDonalds either? Do you bother with your hair and makeup anymore? Do you gripe and complain about the kids all the time? MAKE time for you two, because YOU as a couple come first and THEN the kids do! Talk alone on the couch or out for a cup off coffee somewhere, but keep the husband and wife line of communications open between the both of you. Children come and go through our lives, but reality is we began as a couple and will end as a couple with our children living their own lives. I did not mean to sound harsh, but good luck.

I hope that you will take a step back and reconsider WHY you think you want another child. Do you think that is going to save your marriage? Why not try marriage counceling first?
I am sorry, but a little tough love here...
If you and your husband are already having marrital issues, why would you want to bring another innocent child in the mix? By the grace of God, you have been able to have 4 beautiful, healthy and happy children! That's a lot more than some people could ask for. Some can't have any children. Be thankful for what you have. I just cannot understand that you would even think of leaving your husband over this. You truly need to talk to some of the single Mamas out there. I was one. Do you have any idea what it would be like to raise 4 or 5 children completely on your own?!? I'm sure he would be "required" to pay child support, but good luck with that honey. Not only financially would it be extremely hard, but the every day things - school, sickness, night time, housework. Of course you get all the joys that help out weigh that. Hang in there! I will pray for you and your family. Good luck!

*****With your update and more information I would also like to add that, maybe now your husband is starting to get into the groove of being a father and a husband. You need to go to counseling on your own as well as with your husband, then encourage your husband to also go on his own.

You sound like you have lots of issues. You and your family deserve to find the help that you need. Another child will not solve any of this, it will just add to it. Your children deserve to be in a home with two people committed to being a complete family. It sounds like there are lots of "games" going on from the adults and this is very unhealthy for all of you. Be sure to tell this counselor everything you have told us. Now that your youngest will be in school, this is a good time for you to heal your heart. I am sending you peace.*****

There was another M. a while back that had a husband that did not want a second child. She was given great advice. I am sure you will also receive some good advice.. Here was the other date and M. so you can read what she received.

Husband refuses to consider a second baby
J R
Sun. Jul. 20, 2008

My advice is to have a quiet heart to heart. Go away from your home and just sit down and have a truthful discussion. Have him tell you exactly why he does not want more children. You can tell him why you feel you would like more children. If this cannot be solved go to Marriage Counseling. Do not let this hurt your marriage either way. Remember your children will grow up and then it will just be you and your husband. You married him for a reason. Work on finding those feelings again.

I am sending peace in your heart and your mind.
Being married 13 years and having 4 children sounds like you have a very blessed life.

I guess my first question would be, are you looking to raise another child or do you just like being around pregnancy and babies?

My husband and I had problems getting pregnant with our 2 boys and that was hard on us both. He was done but I had an ache deep down inside of me that our family wasn't complete. At that time, he was traveling out of the country almost weekly, was under tons of stress from work and I just wasn't sure how to bring the subject up to him...especially seeing as the two we had took YEARS of fertility treatments. About the time I was trying to find the courage to seriously bring the subject up, my then youngest pushed on my stomach and it felt weird. Yup...I was pregnant and without the aid of fertility treatments! We were both shocked and happy but he then realized that he'd have 2 in college at the same time, would not be able to retire when he was originally planning on and we were going to have yet another mouth to feed.

Once our daughter was born, I knew that our family was going to stay at this number. It is hard when kids have such age differences (1st and 2nd...7 yrs apart. 2nd and 3rd 20 months apart). I feel bad for my oldest because if we go somewhere, he always has to hope that there is a friend with an open schedule where the other two are so close in age that they are instant playmates.

Granted, I still loved being pregnant and giving birth, I just knew I didn't want to raise any more. My happy medium was becoming a birth doula. This way I am around pregnancy and childbirth, get the joy of helping couples achieve the bith of their dreams, yet I get to go home without the additional responsibility.

Having a good talk with your husband will go a long way. Just remember, men are fixers and they want to have things taken care of. With the ages you have, they are all in school. No more diapers, sleepless nights, diaper bags,... he may just be happy that he is able to spend more time with you and without kids hanging all over you.

I understand that you love being a M. and want to experience all of the great things that come with having a child again. However (and this is where I'm going to sound harsh) I don't understand how you can be in love with someone enough to want to have a 5th child with them, however you would consider ending your marriage if he doesn't give in to you and give you this 5th child.

Definitely the two of you need to talk to make sure you each understand the other person's reasons for feeling the way they do, however I don't think it's worth ending a marriage over and breaking up the family that you have already built together. In my opinion, it's better for you to learn to live with the idea that you won't have any more children then it is to push this on your husband, have him give in, and then have this 5th child in the picture who may be a source of resentment for your husband. That's not fair to anyone. And what if your husband reluctantly gives in and then you have a special needs child? This can add stress to any marriage as well as additional financial burdens, will he be consumed with thoughts of "I knew we shouldn't have another child"?

I'm sorry, I know I came across really judgemental. I think it would be wonderful if the two of you could talk and perhaps your husband would decide on his own that yes he would like another child, but anything short of him coming to that conclusion on his own is just not the right way to have another child.

Again, I'm very sorry for the way this came across but I just wasn't able to frame it any better.

Good luck,
K.

ADDED AFTER UPDATE BY POSTER: Sorry I was angry when I first read your update but I agree with Laurie A. below...it sounds like there are a lot of issues to work out. But please don't have another child while you feel the way you do right now. Good luck with everything....

You need to respect your husbands wishes.....You already have 4 children and your husband may be overwhelmed with that. BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU HAVE!!! I have 5 children ages 4 to 12. You stated that four can be "challenging" at times, adding a 5th might just break your marriage if you are basing your feelings/marriage on this subject anyway. Sounds like you may need to take that energy of having another child and start focusing it on your husband. Don't be selfish and end a marriage because he doesn't want more kids! That is juevenile thinking!! You are 35 not 17(not to offend any 17yo). Also, why add another child to what sounds like a rocky relationship to begin with?? Find a hobby that you enjoy!!!

marriage is about you and the husband. not the kids. if you focuse more on your husband and arent living just for the kids i think you might fill this last child void. eventually your kids will grow and move out of the house. you will be stuck with your husband, so make friends and be nice to eachother and respect the fact you have been blessed with four kids already. i am terribly sorry you are wanting another and your husband does not. i would not try to push that on someone that did not want another one.

With the ages of your kids, your youngest one is probably going to start school, and you feel like you have an empty nest. You can be involved in their schools or do other things you may have put on the back burner. Maybe you can volunteer at at a newborn hospital ward. They need people just to rock, hold, and love on the babies. Don't try to force this on your husband. Enjoy what you have and be thankful.

Wow, four children you are super M.! Please Please Please put your marriage before another baby. Your children will thank you greatly for it in the future. Having a baby is a big decision and really needs to have two willing people.
So sorry that you are in such a dilemma. Praying for you!

T.

H. M,
You may want another baby,BUT your husband doesn't.You must respect that he feels that way because it should be that both of you have to want this not just you.
If you fear it may be the end of your marrige do something about it,if you don't want it to be,STOP going on and on about wanting another baby.Enjoy the children you do have instead of breaking up a marrige and having your children be from a broken home and parents.It's up to you on how this will play out. Enjoy what God has given you allready and don't bring in a child into this world for your own selfish reasons. Think of your family and not only on what you want.
I read what you reposted and you must ABSOLUTLY NOT have another baby. You don't have children if your not in love w/ someone. You cant use a child to fill your empty hole you have even if you think you can support them on your own.Thats so SELFISH YOU.
Read the book PROPER CARE and FEEDING OF HUSBANDS and also PROPER CARE AND FEEDING of MARRIGE. Do EXACTLY what they teach and you'll be succesful in you marrige.
I wish you could see how you sound in posting what you posted because you really discussed me even more after the second posting.

Here is what I told myself when gping through a real rough time in my marriage, my marriage and child are worth more to me than my own selfish desires to have another child. As much as it may hurt, marriage is worth more than that and for the kids sake for sure. After much praying to let it go my husband finally said ok and now we have 2 kids. I would like to have 3 but I am not going to push it. I love my husband and respect his reasoning why. Hope you guys come to a mutual decision and are both happy with it.

I'm afraid I have to agree with the other moms out there. I have two young children and have always wanted a third until recently (I still LONG for one more baby but I know it is only to satisfy my need to nurture). I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that in the next year, the "baby chapter" of my life will be over. Do you think this might be how you are feeling too? I have decided against having another because I feel like our marriage would suffer from the stress and exhaustion and our 2 children would suffer in one way or another. Kids need a ridiculous amount of attention and it's hard to remember that. My M. was a working, single mother of three and I assure you, we suffered from it. She was a great M. and did the best she could but she just didn't have the time or energy to give us all that we needed. Not to mention, she was often short with us because she was so exhausted (my dad was in the picture so she even had breaks from us). Our self-esteems suffer from it until this day. If your marriage could possibly end from your difference in opinion about a 5th child, I would be willing to bet that having the stress of a new baby in your life (+4 older kids) certainly won't make things any better. The last thing you need in your life is to be a single mother of 4 (or 5) and/or a resentful husband. Lastly, you have to think about the financial burden of a 5th child. Sounds minor but it's really not; we have to be practical. Hopefully this isn't an issue for your family, however. Now, how do you get past your overwhelming desire to have another child? Have you considered doing something for yourself? I know this must be so hard for you (giving up the idea of something you want so badly). Try learning a foreign language; go back to college. Take tennis lessons, hire a personal trainer. Do something for yourself that you haven't had the ability to do for the last 11 years (because of the kids needing your every second); it will make you feel WONDERFUL and maybe fulfill this hole in your heart. Accomplishing something challenging is exhilarating!! You will feel so empowered, making you a better M. to your 4 and a happier wife. Btw...I admire the fact that you feel so in control of being a M. to 4 and possibly 5. I often feel so overwhelmed and out of control with just 2! :) How do you do it!

I believe it is pretty common that mothers want another and then another and then another child but it has to stop somewhere. Only you and your husband can decide when that should be but I don't get the part about the possibility of the decision one way or the other ending your marriage. Think about that......... a thirteen year track record and four beautiful children. Are you going to hang all that out to dry at this point?

I was the same way, except my husband had a vasectomy after three kids. I cried all the way to the doctor when he had the procedure.
Now I can say he was probably right. I am now at the other end of raising the three and have two in college and it has been enough to really raise them right. It has taken alot of time, energy and money and if we had more I would have gotten tired at some point and not done as good of a job. We had a neighbor who had 12 kids and the last 6 just pretty much ran wild.
Focus on yourself and being an interesting, educated person and a good wife to your husband. What would you gain if you destroy the family and marriage that you have now with the four kids by getting a divorce? Develop interests and hobbies and friendships and enjoy what you have been given.

H.,
Wow! Four kids already? And they haven't even hit the teenage years? When they get to their teens, the amount of outgoing money will surprise you first of all! Your time of busyness will increase as well. God forbit any of your children get into teenage miss-haps or nip-ups.
I'm thinking that having a baby is what makes you feel whole ~ so, unless you "fix" that need within yourself, you will never feel fulfilled. Even after 20 kids. (Just a guess - I don't even know you).
I think you should be happy with the 4 you and your husband already have. Let this go and relieve the stress in your marriage. You DO NOT want to be raising these kids alone while he's off with somebody else in a new, carefree life! This WILL happen if you push this on him. He's obviously already stressed about the 4 you have. Is he the "bread winner"? If so, why don't you consider that maybe he's not wanting to work so hard for the rest of his life and would like a break from babies. He may be looking at the price tag and the fact that it's hard economic times and he could loose his job at any moment - and then where will you be? Pregnant?
Just my opinion, but I really think that you should question yourself as to why you need 5. God forbid, what if the 5th baby isn't all that healthy, or a problem child? Then you'll have to ignor the other 4, AND your husband, to tend to this one.
God has blessed you in so many ways. Be thankful and maybe see your pastor about "why" you need more? Something might be missing in you. If your marriage is suffering because of this, then maybe you need to concentrate on your marriage so that the 4 you have won't suffer for this in the end. The marriage is the MOST important relationship in that house after God. The children come last and there's a reason for this.
Read the book "created to be His Help-Meet" By Debi Pearl, and sleep on it.
God bless you,
D.

You have four children. I don't think that your husband is being unreasonable in not wanting to have another one. Trust his instincts. You will always long for a baby to an extent. If you let this end your marriage, where will you be? A single M. of 4 children. Your children will suffer emotionally and financially and socially. If you nag and your husband gives in to you, where will you be? with a husband that possibly resents you and that child. He will emotionally detach from you and may end up leaving in the end. You may very well be a single M. with 5 children. Your children will leave you eventually. Make your relationship with your husband count more than your longing for another child. In the end, your relationship with your husband is more important, especially for your children. It has been proven to be true. Trust your husband, he may not be able to handle another child. It could destroy him. He may be already stressed out to an awful end and has not told you so. He may just be very reasonable and knows it is not best for your family's future. Whatever, show him the respect he deserves and accept this willingly. He may just change his mind seeing your gracious, respectful, and loving response to his decision. It can't all be about you. You gave that up when you got married and you gave even more up when you decided to have kids. It's not all about you. I say this in love, not in anger or sarcasm. Trust God that he gave you a good man to lead you; then allow that man to lead. Books I would recommend to help you heal this emotional disappointment and to heal your marriage: Love and Respect by Dr. Eggerich (loveandrespect.com) and Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl (Nogreaterjoy.org). I too have always wanted 4 children. I have 3. My husband can barely handle the responsibility of the 3 we have. It would be very wrong of me to push the issue. I have 3 and plan to be content. I have days that are harder than others, but it gets easier as time goes by. It even gets hopeful and exciting at the prospect of not having another child. It will get better if you give yourself the tools you need to get a good attitude about it. You are very blessed to have 4 children. You are also very blessed to only have 4 children.

Hi H. M
i think I have to side with hubby on this one. You have been terribly blessed with 4 children.......and it is normal to have the "baby urge" at your age. One way to satisfy that is to take in an infant or a two year old to baby sit for- this should satisfy your longing and save your marriage. Hubby probably feels like he has all the responsibility he can manage and it may not be fair to the child to bring another into the picture. You guys are at the prime time in yourlife- your children are getting older and it is time just to start enjoying yourselfs together.
good luck and blessings

Dear H.,

Okay, so you want another baby and your husband is completely fulfilled as a father and you're considering leaving him? Then what? I too, am in the same situation. 4 children and my husband is done. I would never dishonor his request and sabbotage his trust by getting pregnant anyway, nor would I leave him because he doesn't want anymore children. I think you are being very selfish and you're certainly not thinking of the children you already have. Would you REALLY rather render them fatherless to explore the challenge of finding another husband to give you another child??? And the chances of you finding another husband who would want ot take on your 4 and add to it is very slim. Besides, at your age, you'd need to expedite your search to get started right away, which would strongly compromise the quality of the perspective husband, etc. Sounding kind of silly??? I would strongly recommend you seeing a counselor and find out how you can find fulfillment in what you have. I have a feeling this is alot more than just wanting another child. There is something missing, I believe, and I think you may be looking in the wrong direction. You said you love being a M. and it might be a great idea to start focusing on being the best one you can be in quality, not quantity. When I think of having another child(ren), I wonder how good a M. I would be to the others (mine are almost 2yo twins, a 3yo, and a 7yo). Even though sometimes I find myself wanting to hold that precious newborn again, I truly know it would be a disservice to my amazing children as well as my relationship with my husband. Please don't destroy the family you do have for another baby that you may or may not ever have. Your best gift to your children is loving their father and I do hope you get some help and figure out the best way to do that.

I think your desire is completely normal, and so is his. But as many here have wisely said, the babies you already have need their daddy. It is hard for us mommies to put our husbands before our children, because little ones are so needy, but we really must do so to have our families function correctly. You don't really want to lose your husband over this issue! I like what someone else said about finding another way to be with babies, like working in the church nursery or babysitting. That way, you can fulfill that need on your part while loving and respecting your husband's wishes. A lot of times we married people have to meet in the middle, and it seems that with four kids already he is trying to do so with you. But it's hard, I know - God be with you!

Praise God for the family you have been blessed with thus far. Yet I still understand your desire to have another child. My only child just turned 1 a week and a half ago and I've been wanting another child since he was 9 months old. My husband doesn't say no but he does say maybe in 3-4 years we can try for another one. To me that is just like saying no because my thinking is why wait, because who knows, it may take that long for us to conceive. But I have been patient and I don't harp on the subject much anymore and just enjoy my son and my husband and cherish the moments we share. My advice to you would be to just let the thought of it rest for a while and pray and wait for God to make the decision; it may not be what you asked for but it will definitely be right for you and your family. Good luck and don't let this or anything else still your joy and or ruin your marriage.

I understand your desire to have more children. I would like more, but my husband is hesistating. It is frustrating because I am afraid I feel I will always be missing something. Someone wise told me though that I needed to look at why I wanted another child. In addition to enjoying motherhood and watching my children develop, I also love the innocence and unconditional love young children offer. It is harder to see sometimes as they get older. I cannot force my husband to want more kids, but I can look for other ways to get my own needs fulfilled. (i.e., volunteering to work with babies, taking in a foster infant, etc.) I caution you to not let this destroy your marriage as you have four other children who need you and their father and stability. Good Luck.

Wow! I am in the same place but only two kids. I think in your case I'm on your husbands side. You already have 4 children!!!

Good grief! You have four kids and you're going to leave your husband because he doesn't want a fifth!!! What about the four kids you already have? You'll take their father away from them just because you want more? What about appreciating the love and support you obviously already get from your husband? To put it more nicely, I really think there are other issues that need to be dealt with here. I think you need to be thankful for the wonderful blessings that you have and perhaps find another way to be around children if you truly crave more. You can't just keep having babies for the rest of your life. Even nature doesn't allow for that. A marriage cannot be my-way-or-the-highway. His feelings are just as valid as yours.