Thank You MOMS!!!

Low self esteem ???????? You don't have low self esteem - he does. I found this article from a study involving self esteem and materialism.
Researchers have found that low self-esteem and materialism are not just a correlation, but also a causal relationship where low self esteem increases materialism, and materialism can also create low self-esteem. The also found that as self esteem increases, materialism decreases.
The study shows that people who feel good about themselves are far less likely to be materialistic.

These things do not usually get better. If I were you I would look for a way to get out & would not get tied down to a mortgage with this man.

You are answering your own question, if you are that nervous and unhappy, the act of further complicating the relationship is a mistake. Get out now and find someone you are happier and more compatible with.

When I began to read your post, I thought I would tell you that buying a home and moving is a very stressful time and that your relationship will be fine. But as I continued to read, I became very concerned. The last straw for me was when he was reading what you wrote - very controlling behavior. I think that you should go to your mother. She knows the details of the situation, she loves you and will always want the best for you. Ask her, woman to woman, what you should do. Maybe you can even stay with her for a while until you get settled again. And guess what? You already had a TV for YOUR new place! :D Above all, ask yourself if this how you want to live forever (with him). If not, cut your losses now. Good luck to you.

Dear M. J,

You should NEVER buy a house when your marriage is not on strong footing. Put your money towards marriage counseling or individual counseling (for yourself) while you make your decisions.

Also, I went back to look at your other posts and it seems your son is only one year old. He does NOT need a TV. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics, recommends that children not watch ANY TV until after age 2 and then only 30 minutes of screen time (TV, computer, etc) per day. Also, having a TV in a child's room means that you may not be watching TV with him, which you should always do. Put your TV in your family room or living room, and make sure that if your son is watching TV, everyone knows and is involved, if you decide to have him keep watching.

Finally, I used to work in immigration. If your husband is not legal in the U.S. do not buy anything for him/with him. Work on getting his status legal first and then you can buy things. I saw way too many women stranded and in bankruptcy on the street when their illegal husbands were deported or "disappeared".

Good luck!

Ohhh my friend
Think about this relationship very hard & don't make a decision right away but your husband sounds like he is very demanding & its his way or the high way & I think that if a decision cannot be between both of you than there is nothing else to talk about. You said that he wants to get plasma tv's for the house & you guys can barely buy the house. Is he not listening??? I think that if your the one mostly putting the money towards the house & need to pay the bills as well than you shouldn't put him on the deed. Remember if your married & you get a divorce than you need to give him 1/2 when you guys get a divorce & I don't think its fair if your the one who's put most of the money & the guy sounds like a real jerk. If you think you cannot afford the mortgage on your own than you really need to think about it before you purchase your home. I would save that money, rent a place for you & your child & try to save as much as you can before your purchase something so that way in the future you don't have to worry about losing it. If he is a hard headed person, he's never going to change. You need to sit & think about your future. You don't want to bring up a child where there is always going to be an argument at home. Remember god made us to bring strong women & I know you'll be able to make it. I am a widowed M., going on 4 yrs next month & it has been a real struggle for me alone with my 3 kids but I have made it (thank god)!! So I know you will make it as well. God bless you & good luck on your decision.
R.

There are certain things that are argument triggers, no matter how healthy your marriage is to start with. Introducing a new child (either pregnancy then birth, or a stepchild), buying a house, money problems, and working on a home project together (building something, hanging blinds or pictures, laying flooring, etc) are ALL big triggers. Given that you already are having a rough time, I would definitely NOT move forward on buying a house at this time. In case you haven't done it before, let me tell you... it is decision after decision after decision to be made... and every one of those decisions has the insane ability to spin into an argument. It sounds like you have more basic things to focus on right now, so I would not "add straws to the camel's back".

Dear MomJ,

No one can really give advice in situations like this.
I just want to ask you:"If your very best friend would come and tell you the same story,what would you advice her?
Remember,when a glass is broken and you glue it,the crack will still be there and might even get bigger.

Have you considered going to family counseling?
Personally I wouldn't get into such a huge debt of buying a home,if there's no harmony in the relationship.The house won't make it better.The two of you should.

Listen to your heart/intuitionn and get the answer.
A great relationship commands respect ,consideration and love for each other.

I told a friend of mine several years back,when she was going to something similar:you have 3 choices:
1. Go to consounling
2. Get a divorce
3. Write down all of his positive atributes on one side
and all the negative ones on the other side and read them
after carefully.Even though you are not happy,but you
are willing to stick it out for whatever reason,it is ok.
But then do not complain ever again.

If after reading what you wrote you know deep in your
heart,that this has been going on for sometime and that
there is no respect in the relationship anymore,than you
will have to make up your mind what to do.

I won't judge you,because I am not in your shoes,even
though I might not agree with your decision.It is your
life.

I can only say: be good to yourself and know,that you
deserve to be happy and to be loved and to be treated
wiith respect.
I do hope,you can work this out.Only YOU can make that
decision.

I would run as fast as you can and dont look back.

Just a thought...of course I'm not there and have very limited details, but:

Do you think he's treating you badly because HE wants out but doesn't want to be the one to do it???

Hi M. J,
I completely understand where you are coming from. My husband and I went through some rough times as well. Times where we argued tooo much. We decided to attend therapy sessions. I can't explain how much this has made a difference in our marriage. I would suggest seeking a counselor/therapist for some help b/4 purchasing this home. It might just bring more icing to the cake if problems are not resolved first. I would also suggest that you explain to him; you will keep your M.'s TV's until he decides to purchase the plasma's. Better safe than sorry. Good Luck! Hope this advise can help you.

From what I gather this is NOT a healthy relationship. He sounds very controlling. Seriously, what is the big deal for him to get that upset over a TV given to you for free for your son? And the threaten to break it, is just absurd. If you say you feel he hates you, there must be no love coming from him at all. And you already feel that buying a house would be a mistake, not only for the relationship but more financial strain on you. You need to put your foot down, there must be equality in this marriage. Either see a marriage counselor or you will have to go it your own. Perhaps your mother can help you until you get on your feet. Sounds to me you are supporting this family financially already. I think you are capable of doing it, just afraid. Good luck to you.

I would get all of the free advice/counseling right now that you can! I would find a credtit/financial counselor from a non-profit orginization to sit down with you and help YOU figure out where you are exactly right now with YOUR finances (not his!) so you can know that you CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN!!
you do not NEED a man.
I would also get some counseling so you have someone else besides your mother to talk to.
Then I would move in with your mother and get YOURSELF in order. Your CHILD NEEDS YOU!!!
good luck and please keep us posted!
~L.

It definitely sounds like you and your husband are having some tough times. Perhaps he is stressed about feeling inadequate as a provider and when he looks at the model homes filled with new items and having nice things might make him feel like a man, but he doesn't realize that this woman he has is looking out for his future financially. I would hold off on purchasing a house right now. Your marriage is not is in a good enough place to handle the stresses of buying a home. Pray for him, talk to him about waiting until things are better with. Try to remember why you married him. Did you really love him or was he just cute and you needed some help financially.I would find a church and seek counseling. Tell him you value your marriage and the realtionship you have with him and think that a few counseling sessions where you can both talk about what is bothering you in a calm helpful way would help enrich your marriage with communication. If he refuses, tell him you understand that he is intimidated by the counseling and tell him that you will just go alone and if he ever wants to join you, he is welcome. After you going alone a few times, he will want to make sure his side of the story is heard. If he is mad, stay calm and say you value your marriage enough to try everything before quitting. Tell him that the arguments and problems have made me have thoughts of divorce and deep down inside you dont really want that, so you are trying to fix it. Best of luck, and prayers for your family.

Hi:

I hear you--it is a lot to do when you are working and doing house work. You need your peace of mind at that point. Whether to remain in the relationship or divorce is your deceision and must come from within you. However, if you are interested in making an informed decision about your legal right, do not hesitate to contact me for a legal consultaion as I am a local Family Law attorney practicing in coral springs. Feel free to visit our website http://www.scottjbrookpa.com/index.php or call me at ###-###-####.

D. Mehan, Esquire

When problems come up in a relationship, the best thing to do is think back to better times and try to remember why you started dating and why you got married. If your reasons were just out of convenience or something else superficial, then there may be nothing to hold on to. But if you dated, fell in love, and got married because of love and devotion, you owe it to both of you to try to get that back. Please remember that you can NOT change other people but you can change the way you decide to react and respond to their words and actions. Focus on what you want and if you try hard enough you can get it. I'm not talking about focusing on wanting your M.'s TV-- I mean focus on happiness and love-- give it and do it from your heart and you'll get it back. There can only be an argument if both sides continue it. I'm not saying be submissive and let him always have his way, but think hard before you argue. If the TV thing is so important to him, find a way to discuss it calmly and rationally instead of allowing him to turn it into an argument. After a while of truly trying to keep peace, if he is not willing to respect your feelings and treat you well then there is no reason to stay. Just make sure that you are clear that it's not just a rough spot as opposed to a no-turning-back end to your relationship. ALL relationships have their ups and downs and you shouldn't give up on a marriage if there is a way to save it.

I guess I am somewhat reading between the lines. But, it sounds like you two are having issues revolving around money and the tv's are just something to place blame on. If you guys look at your finances and don't have enough "emergency money" for at least 6 months then I would suggest holding off on the purchase of the home. Set up a budget then look again in a few months at where you are.
In regards to the tv itself, what about a goal of having the new tv's in home by such and such date. Until then, I don't see anything wrong with using what you have. Times are tough right now when it comes to money so I doubt you are alone in these issues.
You two are a couple and I think communication is key. If you aren't happy-discuss it. If counseling is needed, go. Try to remember why you two got married and the qualities and goals that you saw in one another when you got married.
Best of luch and I hope this helps you out some.

Is it an option to move in with your M. during a trial separation? Your husband sounds demeaning and his values are far too materialistic. If you embark on this venture with him and then divorce later it will be even more unpleasant, so don't start. Tell him he is right, your self-esteem is low right now, so you are going to raise it by refusing to stay in a relationship where you are constantly being put down. You will be much happier. If you save some money while living with your M., you will be able to move out on your own in awhile.

wow. sounds like he may be the insecure one.
i would suggest couseling before you call it quits. i would also hold off on the house buying for now.
buy a budget book and money book and read it together, that way he will see your thoughts on money are not unhealthy but thoughts that will eventually get you ahead.
it may be hard but try to work on your repsonses when he argues. i find when i first married my husband he refused to argue if it was unhealthy and now we only have mature constructive conversations. it is hard though if the other person will never catch on.

M. J,
I feel that only you can make the decision on whether you should stay married or not. Only you really know your husband and whether or not you are in a stable enough relationship now to make the next step. Pardon me for being a little too forward, but, it does sound as though your husband may have some issues that need hashing out. Alot of his behavior may not be about you, but rather, things from his past. Buying a house right now is not a good idea. Why? Because you do not have the means by which to survive now. You are struggling with financing the basic needs and YOU are doing the most of it. Buying a house is only practical and feasible when you have enough funds to insure the mortgage every month without fail. what purpose would buying a house you cannot afford serve other than living above your means and losing it later. This is creating problems now, and it will surely masticate later. Your husband is not being practical and honestly, neither are you, but, you do appear to be the one here who is thinking about the big picture. Increasing your debt now will only make things worse, consider the economy and the fact that it may not be safe again to buy a home until sometime after the first or second quarter of the coming year. I understand that you really want the house but if good credit is going to let you get it, don't buy now and ruin it. Hold out. Your hubby seems to be insecure to the point that he can be pretty cruel. You must pray for him and set the example. Show him that he must, "seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all else shall be added unto you." If this would be applicable to his beliefs. Sit down with him and make goals. Make a timeline by which to obtain those goals together, at this point, you or he may need to take a second job just to get ahead enough to maintain your basic needs with the state of the world's economy today. Tell your husband that he must trust that you love and honor him, but that you also have the best interest of him and your family in your heart. Tell him that you both can be successful in every endeavor, but you must touch and agree together. Explain how having a tv given saves money and the money he plans to spend on a tv could go to the mortgage. If things are just to hostile, insist on counseling before things get out of hand. Pray honey, that is the old cure and medicine for many an ill, and I am sending goodwill and warm wishes your way for improvement in your relationship with your husband, Prayer that God will send you prosperity to buy a home and pay your bills, and that your home will be filled with love, peace and joy.

Good luck!
Jen

Only you know in your heart if you are done with this man or not, no one else can tell you what to do. If you are just staying for the money, you have to put up with his "stuff", or forgo the money and leave. If you still love him, try marriage counseling. Counseling can help with many issues and it sounds like you have a few in your relationship. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. As for buying the house now is not the time in your marriage to do so.

Well I don't know about staying or going, this is something you have to soul search. I do know that if you guys are having problems and even contemplating splitting up, you should definitely not get into a home together because it will only complicate things if you do separate. I've been having problems with my marriage and we have a condo. Sometimes I feel like just picking up and leaving but I don't(have no where to go and no money-18 mo old son). My husband is a good man overall but everyone has personal issues. You have to decide which ones you can put up with. Definitely, do not tolerate a man who screams/curses at you or threatens to hit you. Find a way to sit down and talk, you know a heart to heart. The econocmy is rough and men tend to stress big time because they see themselves as the provider. Can you guys really afford a house?

Hello M. J:

I just recently got out of a terrible abusive divorce and it was abusive not only for my kids but for me both mentally and physically!!!!!
,
DON'T BUY NO HOUSE WITH THAT MAN, YOU WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DO, HE WILL SURELY TAKE IT FROM YOU AND YOUR KIDS, TRUST ME ON THIS, I BEEN THROUGH AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP BOTH MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!!!! IF YOU BUY A HOUSE, ONLY PUT YOUR NAME AND YOUR KIDS NAME ON IT ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS NAME IF YOU CAN TRUST THEM, TRUST ME, DON'T BUY NO HOUSE WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!!!!

We can't tell you what to personally do but only give you advice as we know it and have gone through it. If we tell you to get a divorce, then sometimes the person fault us for telling them of the person they really love that we were wrong and they really love that person and how can we break them up or how can we take their love mate. M. J, only you can make up your mind and kick that sucker to the curb!!!!!! When the love goes and the beating is there or that person lies to you, takes your for granted, pay you no attention or takes their money somewhere else and don't give to you and don't share the bills, then that person needs to be kicked out!!!!!!!

I was in an abusive relationship off and on for 7 years then quit him and went back only to be treated like dirt and all over again, it never stops!!!!! Sure you will tell yourself that that person loves you and they probably do but they are NUTS!!!!

THE HANDWRITING ARE ALL OVER THE WALL AND IN FRONT OF YOU JUST A BRIGHT AS DAY!!!! YOU CAN DO BAD BY YOURSELF!!!!! I was married to my ex-husband for almost 10 years and saperated from him 2mths to a year then go back all this for three times and it never changed, IT GOT WORST!!!!! Finally, I woke up and made up my mind of all of the abusive to leave and never look back and NOW MY KIDS AND I ARE DOING FINE!!!! It sometimes are hard but we make it work!!!!! BEST OF ALL M. J, BY ME AND MY KIDS LEAVING MY EX-HUSBAND AND GETTING A DIVORCE FROM HIM AND NEVER LOOKING BACK, MY KIDS AND I ARE GREAT IN THE SENSE THAT WE DON'T HAVE NO HEADACHES AND WE ARE FREE FROM ALL THAT ABUSIVENESS BOTH MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND WE ARE FREE WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED FROM NO EX-HUSBAND, YES FREE, FEELS GREAT!!!!!!

M. J, you can make up your mind too and you and your kids will survive!!!!!

I will Pray for all of you that you make it through this. You can also keep in touch with me at ____@____.com

From L. T. Take care and JESUS BLESSINGS!!!!!

Try counseling, if you think you can save the marriage. But quite frankly, your husband sounds too dominating. And you don't sound happy at all!

You can get great buys on homes now, but you have to consider the other expenses (besides the mortgage) -- lawn care, pool, maintenance fees if you live in an association, moving expenses. So plan your budget wisely.

Get rid of him. A lot of women feel that they should be treated in such a manner. Don't you feel and know that you have the right to be treated respectfully.

This man doesn't have respect for you. Do you really want him around you or your family? These are questions only you can answer.

I dated a lot of beyond frogs to get my prince and believe me they are out there if you believe that you deserve one.

M. J
You have already received some great advice from several of the Moms here.

I would suggest if your husband is not open to counseling maybe you two should have a trial separation.

I have several Jamaican friends and they all tell me they would never date or marry a Jamaican man. When asked why, they all said they are very stubborn, strong minded, controlling and possess a 'machismo" about them, they said it is the culture.

Regardless, he is your husband, and marriage is a partnership, but what kind of marriage/partnership is this?

I would suggest reading "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L Smith. This is her website http://www.drrobinsmith.com/

The book was a very good read, and it was especially interesting since the author herself is divorced...writing a book about marriage.

Another good book is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. It teaches you 'how' to love.

Good Luck and please consider your own happiness and state of mind.

At first I figured you are going through the same arguments and stress that most people go through during big changes, and financial struggles. After reading further I think your hubby is getting extremely carried away with his demands and his ideas of what should be in the house. I think you need to discuss the finances with him in a straightforward manner without judgment and insisting on unimportant things like a tv in the sons room. Leave the self esteem out of it, and if he brings it up tell him it has nothing to do with self esteem, it has to do with spending your money wisely and not digging a hole buy getting expensive things that you can't afford. Men are a bit crazy and stupid sometimes. I don't know if they need things spelled out for them but sometimes they just worry more about "stuff" then what's important. All I can think is to try to discuss with him the reality that you don't have the money right now to spend on expensive things like Plasma TV's, and it will be difficult enough to maintain house payments and all the other expenses that come with that. If he is that adamant that he doesn't want a used tv, then maybe say that you will have to go with no tv at all then until the money can be saved up, because you simply shouldn't be spending money frivolously when far more important things will need to be paid for with housing and any other number of expenses that will occur upon moving. You have to set priorities together, and if you have those set priorities it should be a little easier to make decisions on these finances together. If he is unwilling to budge even after speaking politely and laying out the financial facts, then I would really think about the possibility that he will always be this way. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who won't budge and won't listen to reason? Then again if he does seem to give a little bit and seems to see where you are coming from, then it's possible that he was being a stubborn man who needed someone to reason with him in a considerate manner.

I definitely would not buy a house with him. It will make things even more complicated and there are so many expenses and decisions when purchasing a house. Plus, he sounds violent. For you safety, I wouldn't provoke him anymore and I wouldn't commit to such a huge purchase as a house. If you guys are like this over little things just think how it would be if you're in a house. Then, what if you guys want to divorce. It's just going to get uglier.

Hi!

I think buying a house with your husband should be an exciting and happy time for you both. If you are being pressured into buying when you don't believe your marriage will last, DON'T DO IT!!! Remember that it is a 30 year commitment. And if you do go ahead and purchase a home, and you are the main person paying the bills, PLEASE talk to your mortgage broker about having ONLY YOU on the mortgage. And make it a purchase that without him you could maintain financially. It sounds to me that he may want to use your name for credit while he is dismissing everything that is important to you. Have you considered that? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but sometimes people are more manipulative than we think.

It is very important to know who you are, what you want from life, and what is best for your children. Those things are what drive us, in the end, to say, "Yes, I had a good life" or "My life could have been so much better if only..."

Hope this helps!

Crissy
PS- If you need the name of a broker, jot me a message.

I am not speaking by experience but by sadness of what you are going through. I wondered if this is something that has been going on for a while? Do you still love him? I wonder if you tell him you shouldn't buy the house right now since there are so many ups & downs. Maybe moving out with family for a little while & take a break from each other to really think things through. You don't want to jump into divorce if this is not what you two need either. This might be personal, but if you are Christians & have a church home maybe you could do some Christian counceling or any kind of counceling to ge to the bottom of the real problems & whether or not they are fixable. I am sorry I probably didn't help much. I wish you well.

YOU ARE ARGUING TOO MUCH AND IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU PAY ALL THE BILLS HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PAY THE MORTAGE?? iN fLORIDA EVERY THING IS SPLIT 50/50. SO YOU PAY AND HE GETS HALF EVEN IF HIS NAME IS NOT ON THE DEED. IS HE LEGALLY HERE AND DOES HE HAVE A JOB. call your M. and see if you can come home with the baby and take all your mothers "junk" with you and anything that was given to you as a gift. Wedding gifts are given to the bride so they are yours
Get a lawyerand keep your mouth shut around husband get all your money out of banks accounts put in safety deposit box in yours and your M.'s name

hi M. j
i am sooo sory for the awful time you are having. i don't have any great advise....but will tell you that you are worth having someone treat you w/respect, kindness and love. i will also be praying for you and your family. ask god to guide you, he wil....ask him to carry you and he will. trust me on this, he can help you more then anyone else. good luck and god bless....J. j

I think you should both go see a marriage counselor to try to work thru your problems. Buying a house is stressful, but it should also be something to enjoy together. We moved in w/our "old" stuff and replace as we can. Good luck!

Marriage is not something you try, it takes work. In order to make it work you both have to change a little. Before you purchase the house together and before you end it, you should seek marriage counseling. I know you said money is tight so contact a local church (if you attend one than you should contact someone "qualified" there that you trust. By "qualified" I don't mean they are a professional if you don't want to speak with a pastor but someone who has a good marriage with their spouse and is a strong christian ( with these 2 qualifications they will be able to lead you correctly.) If you contact a local church explain that you are in need of marital counseling but do not have the funds and ask if they have someone there that will do counseling at no fee.

Sweetie Please figure out what you want before you get into this house thing. Things should be shared the bills and everything else in your lives. I have been married for 27 yrs now and everything is an up and down life but we always love each other and don't say things like your husband is saying to you. You never said weather he is working or not but it should be 50/50. Things need to be right between you before taking on a house. Good Luck M. J.... Don't let the man put you down for that is not love.

let your hear lead you. it sounds to me like he is way tooooo controling and you already know that. he gives you absolutely no input or say so. and who would really want a lifetime commintment of that. it will only get worse. he can not help who he is and he is controling.i do not know but maybe in Jamaca the women have no say so.it might be his culture not sure.anyway sound sot me like you make each other miserable, so why conttinue down that road. sounds like you know what you want to do just afraid to do it because of money and all. your parents will help you and find a friend who maybe needs a room mate.but i would not stay there and be miserable and have no say so the rest of your life. if he thinks you have low or no self esteem the way he treats you is certainly not going to help you there. telling you - you are low.but people with low self esteem usually get with controling people because they need someone to tell them what to do and he is taking advantage of that.honey you know what you should do without a doubt you are just afraid to do it.you do not want to put yourself or your child through this life of misery do you?can you live this way forever?
now the house i say no do not get into that if your marraige is so unstable you are wondering if you're gonna make it. plus you already stated that you pay most of the bills and buy the food now and are struggleling to do that. what is he doing? does he work? whya re you paying most the bills? so if you are struggleling already without a new house the answer to it is no you are not ready for that responscibility right now.if your husband wants it tell him you can not afford it now and maybe later and maybe he need to a job or a second job if he wants better and bigger things.
if you want and he will seek counseling but i do not know if it will help it sounds like this is his personanilty. while you can change some things personanilties are hard to change.
good luck and God bless. in will pray for you. but remember God does not even wish you to live this abusive life and with him belittleing you and controling you it is abusive.and your kid does not need to see that either.