Thank You for People Expressing Sympathy

I always thought that thank you cards go to people who went above and beyond visitatioin and cards being sent. Those who sent flowers, money, pall bearers, friends who helped (watch kids, transportation, provide meals, etc.), the clergy , that sort of thing.

While writing notes to everyone is a wonderful sentiment, it seems like an incredibly arduous task and inevitably, someone will be missed.

I think sending money is common practice. Usually it is intended to help with funeral costs. It can also be donated to a cause important to the family. When my husband's grandfather passed away, all money donated was pass on to American Heart Association.

I was surprised when people would hug us then hand us a $20 or more. I asked them why they were doing that and they said when we have to drop everything and travel, arrange stuff, deal with people we haven't seen in years or if we've even met them, supply extra toilet paper, all sorts of extra stuff for all those drop in visitors, etc.....

They were all familiar with the hidden costs that we may find while dealing with this stuff. It was very nice and unexpected. I wrote them a thank you note from me.

My condolences on the loss of your mother.
Yes people give small amounts of money.
At least they do in our family.
It's to help with funeral expenses.
When my father in law passed away many people (not all) gave anywhere from $1 to $75, but $10 to $20 was the most common.
Funerals are expensive.
I have never heard of thank you notes for attending a viewing or wake or funeral.
When a very popular cousin of my mothers passed away unexpectedly, there were over 300 people who came to his funeral.
There was no way his widow (and 1 yr old daughter) could manage the sheer volume of mail to all those people and they did not expect it.
It's understood the family of the deceased is stressed and mourning and frankly doing something like that would be beyond most people.
IF you know who made monetary donations, sure - send a thank you card to them for their thoughtful donation.
If the donation was anonymous, don't worry about it.

My deepest sympathies to you and yours. One thing I wanted to add (in case no one mentioned it) is that money is sometimes given to put into a memorial fund in that persons name if there is no need for the money to help offset other costs. That's what we did when each of my grandparents passed away.

As to the thank you notes...only to those you gave money, food or flowers. If you really feel the need to thank every single person, your family could always run a small personal add thanking everyone for their thoughts and all that was done!

L. B. - so sorry on the loss of your Mom. :(

I would send thank-you's to people who sent flowers, gave money, brought food, did hospice work, etc. I would not send a thank-you for a card or to people who attended the calling hours unless you just want to for some special reason (i.e., someone who traveled a great distance).

Thinking about you . . .

L.,

My condolences on your loved one's passing. May you be strengthened during this difficult time. I don't think anyone expects a thank you in this case---Take the time you need......

Money is common practice... But thank you notes are not. In fact, its bad manners to EXPECT getting a thank you note from the bereaved family, although one may.

My condolences to you & your family... And don't you DARE stress yourself out trying to write a million and one (or even 6) notes at this time! If it makes your sister feel better, then she's more than welcome to, but otherwise... NO ONE expects grieving families to be doing these things.

Yes, people send money. It is very kind of them. It takes the place of sending flowers, since they figure that your mom was going to have plenty of flowers.

The funeral home has thank you notes - have you gotten any from them? They are tasteful and specifically for this purpose.

I would not send thank you notes for the guest book. Give your sibs a list of names you are going to send notes to and tell them that if they want to research people's addresses who came to the funeral or viewing, that's up to them. People do NOT expect you to send them a card back for a card. However, if they have written you something poignant or if you know that they were very special to your mom, a return card is okay. Again, they will not expect it.

For people who brought food or cleaned your house, please send a note. A note to the Hospice workers is wonderful too.

Make your list first, then tell those sibs that they can deal with the rest. No allowing yourself to be bullied into anything you don't feel up to doing, L..

Hugs, and my condolences on the death of your mom. Thinking of you and hoping that you get through this okay.

Dawn

So sorry to hear about your mom.

My sister-in-law passed away a year and a half ago. There were over 1100 people at the visitation! She has lived in this small community all her life and was very involved and well-liked. The amount of money that came in was huge so my brother-in-law set up an account and found some great charities that were important to my sister-in-law. We only wrote thank you notes to those who gave money, flowers, or brought food or other gifts. All of my brother-in-law's sisters and I sat around the table with him and we decided which notes he would personally write and which ones we could write. We looked up addresses of people that we could find and just left the rest. If they gave no address, we figured they didn't expect a thank you.

I have never gotten a thank you from someone that I just sent a card to or just went to the visitation or service.

L.:

I'm truly sorry for your loss!! May her memory be eternal!!!

For me? When my Mother In Died in 2006, thank you notes were given to people who brought food, sent flowers or cards.

If your brother and sister want to write thank you notes to everyone that attended - THEY can do that. It is NOT my belief that people who attend a service should be given a note.

I have heard and given money in sympathy cards, why? Because in some cases I knew money was tight and even $40 might alleviate SOMETHING. People know that for many times are tough and hospice care was not cheap....

Again - I'm sorry for your loss. I pray that your mother's memory is eternal.

No, you don't have to send notes to everyone who attended the service or the visitation. You do need to send thank you notes to those who sent flowers or gave money, if you can, or who did anything else special. There may be some people who sent letters or cards of condolence that you'll want to thank, too. Happily, you probably have return addresses for those people.

Giving donations at a funeral or at visitation hours is unusual, but I've heard of its being done. ("Well, I'm going to the funeral home anyhow, so I'll just drop off the money at the same time.") You can assume that the people are local, even if you don't know them. Perhaps the funeral home will be able to help you identify these people and find the addresses. It surely won't be the first time they've been asked about such a thing. Ask them what other folks do in this instance.

Other than figuring this out, it's so nice that all those people came to pay their last respects. When my father-in-law died a couple of years ago, my MIL kept saying, "I haven't seen those people in years!" and "I didn't know she was still living!"

Here's a link I just found:

http://www.funeralwise.com/etiquette/thankyou

L.,
All.
Take them all in little bunches, maybe 5 at a time. You can divide them up with your sister and brother.
If you have no known address for the person, you are exempt. Otherwise, it is common courtesy, nice, and overall grateful thanking you will do for the rest. Don't resent the notes or them - think briefly on what the person may have meant to you or to your Mother. Then pen the note.
hugs,
M.

I personally would just send thank you notes to anyone who sent flowers or gave money. You would be writing out thank you notes for a year with so many attending. I am also sure most people would understand if they do not receive a thank you, they come to pay their respects and dont expect anything in return.

Also people would rather give money to help with the funeral costs or for you to donate in the deceased person’s name.

Hon, first I am very sorry about the loss of your mother. I have seen some of your posts about her hospice stay, etc.

I had 3 aunts, 2 uncles and one very dear friend pass away this past year. It was a sad year. I either sent flowers or I attended each funeral, or my husband attended one funeral, at an enormous expense to us, as we live out of the country. I have not received one thank you from any of the family members for these efforts. So either my family is not with it and very rude, or perhaps it's all normal. I have never heard of sending thank you's to attendees. I could see if someone made a charitable donation in honor of your mother or directly to your family that you would send a thank for that. Otherwise, cut yourself some slack. I would not send thank you's to people who attended a viewing.