I feel guilty posting here, but this forum has such thoughtful advice that I am really hoping for your input. I am not a mom yet, which means I'm not juggling as much as most of you here, though until recently children were on the very near horizon in our family plans.
I married the sweetest, most easy going man I've ever met. But recently, third shift has made our happy life almost unrecognizeable. Just over a month ago, my normally respectful husband was unemployed and extremely anxious about getting a job (We were both students, and he had just graduated, so I was not particularly worried yet). He found a third shift position, and though normally respectful and inclusive in decision making, he made it clear to me that any objections from me would be seen as holding him back from pursuing his career. So I made him promise to make his health and especially his sleep a priority, and said go for it. Any attempt to discuss how the new schedule would effect our lives together caused instant combat stance and shutdown, so I decided to go with a "Que sera sera" attitude, and just let things flow.
It's about one month into the job and my previously kind, relaxed husband has turned into a man who regularly finds fault, snaps at me and lets out a near constant stream of disatisfied sighs. This is not the job he dreamed of and he's taking it out on me. I'm sure I'm no picnic when I'm having a rough time either, so I've tried to be extra understanding and supportive. For financial reasons, we share one car, which puts me at the mercy of his schedule as well. I noticed that he was particularly snappy on the way to work, so I drove quietly, which he also snapped at me for. This gave me an opening to point out the behavior (I've found that sometimes waiting until my husband gives me an opening where he is faced with himself in action is a lot more effective than having ' a talk'). I then checked out some books on tape to give us something else to focus on in the car. I cook healthy meals for him every night he's working, and there is usually a meal in the fridge for him to microwave when he gets home. I leave encouraging notes around the house and in his lunchbox occassionally, and I let him know verbally that I'm proud of his hard work and that I appreciate him. When he was terrified of getting fired in the first week (a fear that didn't seem substantiated in any evidence from his supervisors, who were giving him positive feedback), I told him not to worry - 'just do your best, and if it doesn't work out, I won't think any less of you.' I've never been a great housekeeper and our house will never be spotless, but I have taken on more cleaning and am now doing the majority of the housework.
I'm also a full time student, working 30 hours a week, with additional and mandatory unpaid internships related to my studies. So I'm not exactly sitting around while he's at work. But because we can't afford another car, my schedule is linked to his. I'm up late taking him to work and up early picking him up before I go to work myself. I've also tried to keep myself balanced by going to church, connecting with friends and getting exercise. During the first week, he noticed schedule changes as I was trying to cope and expressed concerns on my behalf, but now his stress levels have progressed to a point where he doesn't notice my efforts or hardships. He asks me to do housework for him at around 11pm when we're headed to his job, because I honestly think he hasn't considered that I also have a limited time to sleep. (I get home after midnight and have to be up before 7). His sweet side hasn't disappeared, it's just interspersed with frequent periods of venom, brooding, or sarcasm. One of the more hurtful moments was when I picked him up from work and let the words "i'm tired" slip out of my mouth (after doing his laundry until 1:30am). He shut me down so hard I was speechless (kind of shocked that he would be so hatefully out of character). He's at that level of overwhelmed where any request is treated like a last straw burden (requests like, I need to take a nap, please let me use the bed, could you run this by the post office on your day off?). But between the extra responsibilites and the negativity, I'm about to hit my breaking point. I know that the hostility in our home is not about me, but it's hard not to take it personally. I feel so unappreciated and beaten down.
Is this a normal part of the third shift transition? Does it get better? Does anyone have advice about how to get some peace?
Thank you everyone who responded to my question. Your advice really helped. One of the reasons I turned to an online forum, is that it’s so hard to express frustrations without misrepresenting your husband. My story is only one sided, and it’s missing major details. I’ve found that with relatives and friends, sharing these kinds of complaints can be dangerous. No one forgives your husband as fast as you do, especially if they are very sympathetic to your hurt.
To those that suggested that I need to grow a backbone, I think you’re right. I avoid confrontation (which I think was clear to a lot of you in my post). But when I set my foot down, I’m tough and unyielding, so please don’t worry that I’m some spineless person who will be trampled and taken advantage of forever. It’s just that I find it difficult to express anger, particularly in the moment.
There are other pieces to this story. My husband left his home country to be with me, and since then has been faced with the near death of his mother, thousands of miles away, and a chronic illness diagnosis. What’s happening in my house now, is what I’ve only seen during times of crisis. He’s not OCD. And he’s not vindictive or controlling (I do what I want when I want, finances allowing. Being poor controls my life much more than my husband). That said, this kind of treatment is not acceptable and I appreciate the words and helpful suggestions. ‘This is not a competition,’ has been highly valuable. And so has the reminder that he chose this job and that I’m excusing his behavior. Some of your feedback has helped me to stop him in the middle of being ugly and just say “This is not going to happen. I don’t need this and you don’t get to treat me this way.” And, he stops and I can see him thinking about it. I also made a chore chart with small daily tasks for each of us and he agreed to use it. I was driving him to work at first, because during that 3rd shift transition, I didn’t trust him to drive himself. He now drives on weekdays.
But the response to this job has so much more wrapped up in it. And I know from experience that coming from another culture, not speaking your native language and trying to work in a foreign environment, particularly when you haven’t built a strong network of support, drains you and fills you with a constant sense of low level anxiety, as you try to navigate unfamiliar territory. Marriages like ours have some of the highest divorce rates, because transitioning like that is hard, for both parties. Until recently, I thought we were so communicative and committed, that we wouldn’t have the same worries as other international couples. But I’m seeing a pattern. When a major event happens, all of the other worries become heavier and my husband loses all of his confidence, all of his otherwise strong drive. This may be depression, but I’m not a psychiatrist. What I do know though, is that it’s not a problem I can solve and I’m not equipped for this. I told him yesterday that we are not ok, that this is not ok and that we need counseling. Third shift is a huge factor, and I would be glad for him to get another job, but I don’t think it would solve everything. He needs to figure out where he’s going and how to get there, and I need to figure out how to balance his needs and my own.
I work 7 pm to 7 am and have never acted this way. Neither have any of my coworkers.
It sounds to me like he's using working the graveyard as an excuse to put his asshat on. Nip it in the bud now or get out while you still can.
First of all, don't feel guilty posting here. We use this site for all kinds of women's issues, not just those related to children.
So it sounds like, although he had been inclusive, as soon as he got this job and before there were any stresses, he immediately told you that you were going to be subservient and not entitled to opinions. Since then, he's become verbally abusive.
There's an expression that says, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Perhaps he was always this way underneath and you didn't see it because he didn't have "real world" pressures or responsibilities, no triggers to bring out the worst in him. Or perhaps he's really suffering from some sort of fears and anxieties - and if so, he needs help to deal with them, not your efforts to let him run away from them.
I'm not clear on why you are driving him to work - if he's working while you would be sleeping, why doesn't he drive himself there and back? Why are you out at 11 PM and not getting home until midnight, at which point you start HIS laundry?
You are taking on more and more the "shared" responsibilities like housework, cooking and cleaning, on top of being a student and working 30 hours a week. Why? When did he decide it was okay to check out of this marriage? He works 8 hours and that's it? He can't make a meal or go to the post office? And you're not allowed to have emotions, to be tired, to be frustrated because he shuts you down immediately? He's either nasty and selfish, or he's "overwhelmed" as you say and it's totally changed him into a person neither you nor he particularly like.
So maybe he needs some outside perspective, such as from a marriage counselor that the two of you see, or maybe you need more of a backbone (as someone else said) and a willingness to stick up for yourself. It sounds like having a talk or even expressing your own needs is not going to work - so perhaps seeing a therapist would let him know that you are serious and that you value the marriage. But you cannot continue to be a slave to someone who isn't meeting your basic needs. If he has fears or anxiety, those can be addressed, but it's not your job to "fix" him indefinitely. I think you are stuck in a negative situation with some bad habits that have developed. Underneath it all, if he is the understanding person you say he really is with the good disposition, I don't think he's happy with this - but you're in a really negative cycle that feeds on more drama and more nastiness.
What you're doing isn't working. It may be time to connect with a professional. If your husband won't go, go by yourself so you can figure out some strategies for dealing with it and learn why you put up with something that is so bad for both of you.
Good luck.
I'm gonna not be very eloquent cause I've only got a few minutes so it will look more like bullet points, sorry.
My husband has worked third shift for most of our marriage. Third shift is beyond hard on a man. My husband is a pretty good guy for the most part, I mean he's human, but even after being on third shift for close to twenty years he still has his moments.
Third shift is not a natural shift for us human beings. We were meant to sleep at night and be awake during the day. His sleep system is screwed up beyond belief. Even if it appears he is sleeping good, the odds are that he isn't. There isn't a whole lot you can do here, this will just take time. The average I have seen for guys just going onto this shift is 6 months...sorry :(
next, the "I'm tired" comment, this was a huge one in my house. Why can't I be tired? Does that fact I am not up all night mean that I am less likely to be tired? How crazy right? the thing to learn is that this isn't a competition. When he smarts off to one of your comments about being tired look at him and say "It's not a competition of course we are both tired, you're all night working and I am all day working, we are both tired." Say it over and over, even if he get's pissy about it.
Lastly on his day off, when he is more likely to be relaxed, go out somewhere together and lay it on the table. Start all sentences with "I feel....." then explain yourself. He will respond better if he doesn't feel attacked.
Good luck third shift it hard on everyone.
Is he getting enough sleep?
It doesn't sound like it.
Sleep deprivation can really mess you up.
It could be that he's having trouble adjusting to 3rd shift - feels sleepy at work and then can't sleep during the day.
He wanted this job and he didn't want judgements about taking it - and you respected that and have done your part.
He should be thrilled and happy instead of grumpy and snappy.
Maybe his sleep is messed up and maybe he's hating the job and afraid to complain about it or quit it since he was so gung ho about taking it.
What ever is making him unhappy he's responsible for his own state of happiness (or lack thereof) and he doesn't get to take it out on you.
If he starts, listen to him, and then calmly tell him "I know this is hard on you - it's hard on both of us - but this is what you wanted so get off my back. If you love the job, then Great! I'm happy for you. But if you hate the job then do what ever you have to do to change that around (sleep better, work harder, switch shifts or quit - what ever he freaking wants that will make him happy) but snipping at me when I'm bending over backwards for you is just NOT the way to handle things or make a happy life for us.".
Also point out that maybe he needs some medical help to resolve any sleep issues he might be having.
You can communicate calmly, express your concerns, stand up for yourself and establish some boundaries about what you will and won't take regarding his dumping on you.
http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/excessive-sleepiness...
It sounds like sleep deprevation to me. My son works a factory job 6 PM - 6 AM and can be surly at times.
I think the biggest issues here is the car thing. He needs to look into ride sharing with someone he works with, getting a bus pass, riding a bike to work -- something. You need to get your sleep.
He is a grown man and needs to start doing something around the house when he gets home from work. He can toss in a load of laundry, load/unload the dishwasher, run the vaccum once or twice a week. He can offer all the excuses he wants but anyone who works a regular 8-5 daytime job comes home from work and does a bit of housework, prepares a meal before going to bed. It should be the same for 3rd shift.
If he is not sleeping well during the day you need room darkening shades and curtains and maybe a noise machine for him. Even a fan or radio on low volume will work as a grey noise and blocks the noise from outside.
In case of emergency you may want to put a sign on your doors that says "day sleeper". If a fire would break out or bad weather come in emergency responders would know to break in or pound hard on the door.
I work the third shift, and I will tell you that it brings the worse out in a person. Our bodies are meant to sleep at night and be awake during the day. Trying to sleep during the day is not like sleeping at night. It sounds like he is very sleep deprived. I am very sleep deprived, and I have 3 girls to take care of during the day. It sounds like he is not handling the hours well, and he really needs to find either a day or evening job.
He sounds sleep-deprived. I think he should continue the search for better hours. Men don't do well on little sleep. They become self-absorbed, snappy, and generally rude to everyone else.
Can your husband REALLY not find a first shift job? I'd beg him to try.
I have to admit that I would not walk on eggshells around him. There would be a huge blowup if I had put up with this for a month with my husband. It's not that I wouldn't know that he is sleep-deprived and that his head is screwed on wrong with third shift. But I wouldn't put up with being bullied.
Take him to the doctor and tell the doctor in front of him all the things he is doing to hurt your marriage. The doctor actually can give him medicine to help with this - I've read about it and it has been advertised on TV. (I don't know the name of it, sorry.)
It doesn't matter that the hostility in your home isn't you. The thing is, your husband will just keep pushing the envelope until you push back. Stop excusing this behavior and stop putting up with it. You need to have a hard talk with him and push boundaries. If you don't, you're going to end up being divorced. And SL, PLEASE don't get pregnant right now. It would be the worst thing you could do.
This is not normal. My husband worked the 3rd shift when he was trying to find normal work again and while it was a challenge, it didn't cause major problems like this in our relationship. My husband is also retired Navy, so he has been trained to function on 3 hours of sleep, maybe that helps.
I have friends who work first and third shifts and they don't have problems like this either.
I think you need to go to bed and let him take hte car. Why can't he have it at work and be home in time for you to go to work? I am confused on that.
Tell him he is responsible for the same amount of stuff you are at home. And don't do his laundry! The best advice I ever got was to not do my husband's laundry. I never have. I'll "treat" him sometimes and do it, but he is not my child and not my job. Tell your man that and going forward he can take care of himself.
It is a very hard transition & w/just one car, even harder. My husband is now working f/t as a dispatcher @ our sheriff's dept & p/t in town at our pd dispatching. The f/t has 3 schedules per month that he follows NIGHTMARE! Once he gets used to one week, there comes one & so on. The p/t job is his days off & mostly overnights...forget about it, he needs a phone booth btwn jobs to change uniforms to go from one to the next, but thankfully there are laws about only being able to dispatch 16 hrs in a row b/c btwn all of the coffee he drank & infomercials, he's still be able to get in another shift. He used to work his f/t job as a v/p of a paper co also. But to get back to your question, it is grueling on them, their bodies go thru such a change and it is very difficult to adapt to for us as well. And when I had to drive him to work w/our youngest and at times our daughters now if one of our cars is in the shop or whatever, it is very difficult. It throws a whole lot off. But, while i'm busy getting my crank on, I think about how much this is affecting him as well & realize that it is something that needs to be done at this moment. The situation may or may not be forever, but I'm hoping that the love I have for this man is and his dedication he shows towards our family last forever. Best of luck!
The car issue needs to go away.
Either you're home without a car while he drives to work, works and drives home or get a second car.
You need to go to bed at bedtime and let him take the car. You don't need it to sit there all night when you could just be asleep.
The housework will get done when it gets done. If you don't own your home I suggest that you check into married student housing. It might be cheaper than the rent you're paying now.
I would quit my job, you are working 2 jobs plus going to school full time. Stop it. This is not helpful. You should keep the internship because it's necessary but the other one, the job, you don't need it. It is keeping you from getting enough mental rest and enough down time.
He needs to go to work then come home and go to bed for his night. If you need to lay down then go do it. There is absolutely no reason you need to ask him if you can take a nap. Just plan on going in each day for a little while and lay down with him. You both need that time to sleep together.
If he's not getting enough rest during the day you have to make the house a dark area. As quiet as possible and as dark as it can be. He MUST sleep on his days off during the day too, otherwise it's like making you get up at 3am to go shopping at Walmart every night. His night is his day and days are his nights forever until he goes on days.
