Temptation

I am never tempted by another man, ever. I've been with my husband since I was 15, and I only have eyes for him.

But I wouldn't be so judgmental as to say that if a woman were looking at another man, that she's not in the right relationship.

OMGoodness, what I & my DH consider, 'flirting' is something akin to the air we breathe...why does everything have to be 'tagged'???

We have been together 26 yrs & married 25 as of Mar. 29 this year. We are happy. We are in love. The sex is great. We are a team. We fight, we make up...WE FLIRT...we don't swap...we don't WANT to go out with anyone else...we don't want to have sex with anyone else...sooooo there is NO temptation...I have ZERO thoughts of having sex with someone else...I point out beautiful women to my DH ALL of the time...Just because you are on a diet it doesn't mean you can't look @ the menu or smile @ the server!!!

To each their own! I have my own! BUT I sure enjoy a lovely view!

I always love the claims of you are in the honeymoon phase. Um, yeah, when I was married to my ex it took months before I was looking at damn near any other guy and thinking he looked a lot better emotionally.

Unlike my ex, or any guy I dated, Troy gives me everything I need emotionally, physically, spiritually. I am not sure if you mean the same thing but I feel like affairs, physical, are because physically you are not getting what you need. You want to be touched, this way, and for whatever reason they won't give it to you.

Emotionally was where I was. I would always see these kind men, who treated women with respect. I wanted that, I would day dream I was married to such a man. Whatever I could do to get through.

I still believed I loved him but I wasn't happy.

I was not going to remarry unless I got everything I needed, not my wants, just the needs. I needed to be content and secure. I don't see my feelings as out of respect for Troy though I do respect him. I don't look at other guys because none of them offer anything I can't get with the man I am married to, make sense?

After reading some of the comments about noticing, sure I notice guys are hot, I tend to comment to my husband about that. I also notice when women are hot, same comments. Sure people notice other people, it is the "I would love to tap that" that indicates you are probably not happy in your current relationship. Nothing wrong with that unless you make it a habit. Use it to communicate your needs.

Funny you must have added the flirting bit. I flirt, that act does not mean you are attracted. Heck if you looked at how I interact with both male and female it is considered flirting. Am I attracted to women, heck no. Flirting with the intent to attract sexual, that I do not do.

Aww, B., you are too hard on yourself. Having thoughts is normal. There are degrees of flirting. Hopefully you didn't do single woman flirting. There are people who are just friendly and don't flirt. After being married for so very long, I don't even know the difference in being friendly and flirting.

You obviously weren't committed to the first guy since you didn't marry him or have kids with him. If you hadn't noticed others, you might have stayed with him. You DID deal with your unhappiness by leaving him (took you a while, granted.) You married your husband, so that WAS dealing with reality.

Your husband is the reason you have no interest in other men.

Truthfully, people are interesting to me, men and women. If I never had male friends, how would I know what attributes my sons should aspire to have? It's not necessarily good to just look to family members for that. (Besides, I grew up in a family of girls!)

So please don't worry about you and thoughts. Don't beat yourself up for noticing men. It's not necessary and it's not healthy.

Dawn

i think it's naive to think someone would NEVER notice another person of the opposite sex (or same, whichever) once they find that "perfect" person. simply because, that "perfect" person is a fantasy. expecting that once you find them everything will be wine and roses and magically you'll just never be tempted by anyone else, is quite frankly, unrealistic.

eventually the "magic" will wear off, and yes, you might notice someone else. tell you a secret - he may too. he may already - men are different than women. it's not the end of the world. it's a sign that we need give ourselves a mental shake, and refocus. and that, my friend, is a choice. it's not fate or magic or just something that "happens". relationships take work. be prepared because your relationship this time isn't magic either. eventually something will happen that isn't perfect. whether it's him looking at the checkout girl at the grocery store, or you seeing someone that is physically just so attractive you have to stop and stare a S.. it's life. it doesn't mean the end of a relationship.

and yes i do agree that a CONSTANT search for someone else probably means you are not focused on your current relationship and are looking for someone else - it does NOT mean that a relationship is over. it just means you checked out. you made that decision when you put your focus elsewhere and didn't correct it. yes, the reasons behind your checking out may have been perfectly valid, i have no way of knowing that. but a constantly straying eye is choice.

**i see what you're saying about FLIRTING vs just noticing someone, sorry i read that a little wrong. flirting is a whole other thing. yes i agree that flirting is a form of cheating. absolutely. that's acting on something. while you might have no choice but to notice someone that you find attractive right at first, that S. look, that word spoken, that eye contact, that's where it becomes an issue and deliberate, and to me, a problem.

congrats on 7 years! just do stay focused though - i am 11 years in, and while we have always had work to do in our relationship, sorry, but 7 years was really kinda still the "honeymoon" phase. god's truth lol. our biggest battles were fought around the 9-10 year mark, and i know a ton of marriages that failed after around 10, seems to be some kind of magic number, i don't know.... i know you'll be fine, i'm just saying. 7 years seems like a long time (and it is) but it's still not really the long haul.

Wow... I think noticing is okay, we are not blind, but acting on that noticing could indicate a problem.

That said I am not sure that I would consider flirting acting. For some folks that is just thier personality....

It may not necessarily be a warning sign, but a wake-up call. Every relationship goes through phases.
During a difficult phase, you may notice someone else - not necessarily even physically, but because they're doing what you wish your spouse was doing. If you're ALWAYS looking outside your relationship for a better looking guy or whatever, that IMO would be a sign.
I agree with Adansmama on the 10 year thing. I know quite a few who divorced after the 10 year mark who were happy and had strong marriages.
I think it's the "intent" that makes flirting cheating. IMO, if you're intention is to get attention because you need it from someone other that your SO, its an issue.

I am a little confused about what you mean by "looking." Do you mean "noticing that someone is good looking" or do you mean "looking at in a desirous way." I think it's pretty hard, as long as you have working vision, to prevent yourself from noting that another person is easy on the eyes. I think it's also very normal to say to yourself (or your friend sitting next to you), "Wow that guy/girl is gorgeous!" I don't think the occasional, brief flirt is necessarily cheating either - this is going to sound cheesy but it's the intention in your heart that makes the difference for me. Are you flirting with the guy in line behind you in the grocery store because you're looking to get some on the side? Or is he just cute and nice and you enjoyed talking to him for a moment while your groceries are being bagged? My husband is very gregarious and will strike up a conversation with anyone at any time, and if I were more insecure I could accuse him of flirting with someone every day. However, I know where his head and his heart are at and that's what matters to me.

I am VERY happy in marriage but I notice other men. I am still human LOL But if you get to where you are thinking of being with someone else. Something is wrong. That doesn't mean you end the relationship, or act on your feelings. You work on your marriage first. Just because you are tempted, doesn't mean the relationship is wrong, or should be over. When things are great, minds may wander. The grass always looks greener on the other side.
My in-laws seperated last year after 37 years of marriage. FIL re-united with an old flame. It was 3-4 months later that he tried to come back to MIL. She'd have no part of it. I don't blame her.
Like you, I have never had the thought of being with another man since I met my husband. But we are very happy. I can see where one partner feels unappreciated, pushed away etc and their thoughts may go that way. But you don't act on it. You work on your marriage. If it doesn't work, then you leave. But in the meantime, you keep yourself away from "temptations" and you should be fine lol

Hi B.,
I think you answered your own question.
Yes--you notice but because you are not content, there's not a remote possibility of acting/enacting in a way that disrespects your marriage. Whereas before you knew something was "off" with the relationship.

That's the difference.

And yes, I believe O. can be a shameless flirt with the purest of intentions as well. Its all about intent and expectations.

I always notice; I sometimes flirt; I am never tempted.

We've been very happily married for 18 years.

Before I said I was a flirt, I had to go look up the definition of flirting:

FLIRTING (Verb)
Verb:
1. Behave as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but without serious intentions: "it amused him to flirt with her".

2. Experiment with or show a superficial interest in (an idea, activity, or movement) without committing oneself to it seriously.

After looking at the 1st definition, I say I have to agree with you. That flirting with another is disrespectful to your spouse because you are trying to attract someone. But, flirting shouldn't be confused with being animated or friendly. It's what your intentions are that counts.

As for temptation being an indicator that something may be wrong in your relationship, I also agree. But that shouldn't be confused with fantasy. A little or a lot of fantasy in your life can be a good thing!