Teenage Nieces Not Spending Time at Home with Out of Town Visitors

I guess I would not expect a 14 yo to sit all day in a room of grown ups chatting about the weather. And really, how much time do you want to spend with her? I don't think its realistic to have a teen be expected to "hang out" with the family when they have a million other things they'd rather be doing. If you force them to spend time with family, how fun is that? Then they sit there all cranky and who needs that? To a point they need to acknowledge the family that's there but I don't think a ton of time should be expected of them to spend with you. Just my opinion.

My cousin and her two teenage girls came over (not a long distance) for a visit last week and the two girls spent the WHOLE time texting on the couch. Now, they did play a little with my girls, especially the baby, and chatted with me for a bit, but I'd say a good 90% of the time was texting. In the grand scheme of things, not a big deal. And these were girls I'd started babysitting when the oldest was just a few weeks old (and MAN did realizing I was their age when they were born make me feel OLD! hahaha)

Do you remember graduation? All the hype and excitement and the looming freedom?? I do. And I hardly remember all the family that came to celebrate with me because I was so busy with my friends. It's not polite, but it's typical.

If it's such a big deal to you then stay home next time - just be prepared for 'why didn't you come to little sis's grad when you went to big sis's grad?' from the family.

My take on this is that kids learn this from their parents and this behavior is condoned by their parents. I could go into details in my family... but suffice to say that my aunt who acts like she cares less when I travel across the country to see her... she is often not home when I come to visit, and her daughter now stops by a couple of times, and often with a hangover and sleeps the whole time.
Others who I like probably less, but always make it a point to spend time with me with I visit also have kids that do the same - as adults and when they were kids.

Well, the honest truth is that HS graduation is ALL about the graduates and their friends. Knowing that, I would have sent a card, maybe called her to congratulate her in person, but I would never have driven all that way. Although it *was* rude of her not to spend time with visiting family, if she'd been forced to, she would have resented you for making her miss out on hanging with her friends during this important rite of passage. Next year, send a card to her sister, do not bother visiting (unless you want to visit and spend time with YOUR sister and parents). But don't truly expect the graduating teenage girl to take time out of her social life to hang out at home. Sad, but that's the reality.

I agree with Kristin C. This is her time, and maybe her last opportunity to spend with her high school buddies. She should be allowed that.

I'm not sure why anyone other than immediate family members (and sometimes grandparents) would fly large distances to attend a high school graduation. I don't remember this being done 20 years ago. My aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents certainly didn't travel across the country for my high school (or college) graduation, and I would not have wanted them to. I was busy saying goodbye to friends.

I suggest sending a card/gift for the next one. Unless you just really want to visit your sister.

That said, I do get really (really, really) tired of folks (adults and kids) staring at their phones/texting all the time when hanging out with others. It's definitely not just a teenage problem.

Wow, As a parent have taught our daughter to not text or speak or answer her phone with others around. It is just like having a phone conversation in front of everyone.

She knows to excuse herself and then text or accept the call. away from others.

If no one has taught these kids the proper behaviors how are they to know.. I totally blame their parents.

We had a neighbor who was 20 and we we worked on the last Presidential election together. I drove so she would ride around with me.. She had a really bad habit of texting all of the time.. At one point, I told her that she "may not realize it but at meals and when others are around speaking with her, it could be considered rude to be texting".. She said "no one had ever told her that. She did not know there was an etiquette to it.."

It is up to you if you want to attend next year. Did you have a fun visit with the parents? Maybe that was worth the trip?

Graduation is scheduled with a ton of school activities, parties etc.. but they should have spent real time with you and their little cousin..

I wouldn't do the trip again. I would send a card and stay home.

She graduated from HS. It is all about her and a big deal to her.... It was all about her. Her graduation, etc.

I am not surprised at all that she was busy with friends, etc.

If it bothers you,and you need more attention to justify your trip..... just send a card next time and/or have them visit you.

If you don't want to go, don't go. Or better yet, decide why you are going. Are you going to support your sibling as a parent?

I have to say, however, that this has a lot to do with what your nieces' parents think is "okay". If the parents don't have the wherewithal to tell their daughters what's acceptable, then some of that falls on them. They are allowing some of this, right? Texting when there's company: rude. But if the parents are doing it, or not aksing them to put their phones away, then that's also on them.

To echo some of what others said here - relatives who live a half a country away are strangers. Truly they don't know you - even if you feel like you know them since you've known about them since birth. Think of when you were age 17-18 and an aunt who you rarely see came to visit - I would venture to bet that you probably only said hi, gave a hug and went your own way. In addition - it was graduation weekend I assume and there were probably parties that she wanted to attend of various friends who've also graduated that she has grown up with and attended school with.

All that being said, both neices should not be rude to you or their grandparents - there should have been some expectation that they spend a meal or a few meals together with you (depending on how long you were there). As for the texting - we have established certain times as phone/text free times - such as meals and family celelbrations. If the kids are having a hard time following those guideline we help by taking the ph one away for a period of time - sometimes just for that dinner, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes a day or 2 or 3. all depends on their will & attitude.

Finally - teenagers are different than any other creatures on earth. Their job during this era is to separate from their parents - they generally seem way too willing to do so! I've had situations with my almost 15 yr old daughter that I would never have imagined would take place. She's been fresh and rebellious while only a short 18 months ago I was her best friend. So we discipline, we take away priviledges, we ground, etc. And it works until the next thing comes up. My dear daughter - who can be such a pleasure at times told me last night that she's a teenager and she's "supposed to try to sneak out of the house, and she's supposed to try to get drunk, etc." and I responded that as parents then we're supposed to put up boundaraies and discipline when the teenager tries these tricks. ;o) <deep sigh>

When my kids were young like yours I was shocked at what was considered OK behavior by my sisters & brothers as it regarded their teen kids - then my kids reached the teen years and I'm finding I have to take most of it back. ;o) !!!

Generally we do the best we can.

Wow, that is a long way to travel. Those teens showed extremely poor manners. I would expect the graduate to be busy with parties and friends, but also to set aside at least a little aside time to share some meals or activities with her out of town family, cell phone turned off. Don't go next year. If your sister asks why, tell her that her kids didn't seem to care you were there this year.

I think this is extremely rude. Your sister should have talked with her daughters beforehand and made it clear that they were going to spend a set amount of time with the family (sans communication devices). I would definitely stay home next year and said a card and a gift in the mail.

If I were to blame anyone it would be your sister. She should have seen how rude her kids were being and put an end to it. The kids are just a product of what they are brought up with. They are old enough to know better by now, but maybe this IS acceptable to their parents and they don't see how rude they really were.

They are teens and their behavior was rude, but somewhat normal. I find it sad that you would consider hurting the younger girl by skipping her special day because you did not feel you got enough attention this time around. Remember, this day was not about you, it was about her, you were there simply to show your support and pride.

I would balance the whole trip. If she just graduated and everyone had a party, then I'd expect her to flit about (much like you would at your own wedding) but if you were ignored the entire visit, I'd be peeved.

If you each live over 1000 miles away you are strangers. These kids don't know you as people. They probably understand that you are related but unless you are/were able to see them once a year they know nothing about you. Words like grandma - grandpa - aunt - uncle - cousin are just that words, they have no real meaning to them.
I understand this is frustrating for you but enjoy the time you get to spend with your parents and sibling. Hopefully you will be able to spend time with them and talk to them and explain that you are their aunt and you love them, maybe share some fun stories of growing up with their parent.

well, honestly, two thoughts:

1. this was her graduation & it's all about her.

2. shame on those parents for not setting ground rules regarding behavioral expectations with visiting family/friends. Our rule is: no phones while with family.

Moving on, what did you expect from her? Do all of you gather together enough to foster the groundwork required for furthering relationships? Does she even know you....or those grandparents? I do believe that since your kids are younger, you're pretty much out of the loop! & again, this goes back to those parents....it's up to them to set the stage for interactions & appreciation of efforts made! Peace....

It is the age. It is rude, but it's the age. The younger girl certainly should not be yelling at her mom, but if you live so far away, how close are you really to them? We lvie 10 minutes from my family, and a 24 hour drive from my husband's family. My family would make the effort to be close even if they werent (as my brother did even though he didn't live near my youngest until he was 4 - they still have a GREAT relationship.) Whereas my kids always ask us to tell them who we are talking about when we say Aunt Erica or Uncle Maurice. They know the kids because when we do see them of course they all just get to playing, but the adults are another story. And the kids are all the same age - so that helps. But I wouldn't be overly offended. Take the time to enjoy your sister and your parents and try to teach your son that when he is older he will be expected to stay around more.

I hear you!

When you throw a family party, and people have traveled from the corners of the earth - and no doubt the guest of honor is receiving gifts - the very least they can do is turn off the *^%$#&^$ phone for a few hours and mingle with the relatives.

Some teens are rude to the point where I'm tempted to take the gift back with me and text them the following:
"It was nice sort of seeing you! Since texting is the only way to reach you, let me offer you my hearty congratulations here and I'll save you the trouble of texting me a Thank You note by not offering you a physical gift. Have fun at college! Ta ta!".

It's been awhile since I graduated (1980), but when I did and my Mom threw a party - I greeted guests (friends and family) as they arrived, thanked them for coming, thanked them if they had a gift or card for me (which did NOT get me off the hook for writing a Thank You note later), offered to top off drinks or fetch h'orderves and they made a point of saying bye when they left. Cell phones had not been invented yet.
I was a hostess as much as I was during my wedding reception.
Being the hostess was part of becoming a gracious young lady.
How is it they are such in a hurry to grow up for so many things but they lack the maturity to handle mingling at a party in their honor?
It's sadly lacking in many young people today and there's really no excuse for it except that the parents have not taught them.

I would expect my children to make an effort to celebrate with their family in this situation as much as they would with their friends. It is flat out RUDE to text with your friends when you should be visiting with your guests at YOUR party. Your sister should have stepped in and taken this opportunity to teach her graduate some manners.

As far as going to the next one, I would still go. Your sister still needs you there and this is a very special time even though these girls are being rude. don't punish your sister, she is being punished enough.

Enjoy!

Why not just enjoy the time with those you love while there rather than complaining about average Teenage behavior.
Her actions do not mean that she does not love you, or appreciate you being there-----as she is just being who she is a teen with a texting machine.
Don;t take her actions personally as that is not they were intended.

I hate to say it, but its their age. It is the "selfish stage". All they think about is me, me, me, me etc. I would communicate this to your family and tell them that you really felt hurt by not being able to see the girls. I would do that and see what they say. So sorry you had this experience!

M

I think it's more of a sign of the girls' family expectations than necessarily a sign of the times. I know plenty of teenagers who are respectful and grateful to family and guests.

There's not much you can do (except maybe not go next year ... maybe if you text her instead you'll get more interaction! lol). But you can decide to raise your kids with more respect for family and for visitors. Yes, kids do want independence and to be with friends. But you can shape the expectations for your family and work to build a reasonable balance.

Yes, the parents should have done more. And I would have taken whatever the graduate was texting on away during the party. But one thing the parents could have done -- and so could you, and the grandparents -- is to set up specific activities for the girls and the guests to do together.

I'm not making excuses for the nieces, but they are at an age where they aren't quite sure what to "do" while asked simply to hang out at home with adults and a small child. Why not arrange a family outing to a museum or water park or whatever, or if you just had to stay home, arranged a Wii or video game party, let the graduating niece pick her favorite foods and go with you to buy them, etc. Grandparents can play Wii, or if they're not "into" the water park, they can enjoy watching the kids and taking them for ice cream afterward.

The girls' rudeness etc. isn't something anyone can defend. But the adults could make everyone's time a little more fun (including the adults' own time) with some planning, so there isn't the "you need to spend time with the guests" lecture with no definition of what "spend time with" might involve. Should kids be able to come up with this themselves? Sure, but in these screen-happy times, glued to texting and computers, I think some of them find it hard. So the adults should show the way.