At What Age Do You Stop Giving Gifts to Nieces and Nephews?

I give birthday and Christmas presents to my niece and nephew. (19 and 22). My Brother and SIL give Christmas to my kids only. No birthday. My kids are 28 and 25.

On my husband's side is a little tricky. My oldest niece left the family several years ago. Have no idea where she is. Her kids haven't heard from her in at least 3 years. My youngest niece passed away last year. We give to their kids.

Your feelings aren't wrong. Our feelings, whether they're positive or negative, are valid. It's what we do with those feelings that matter. You most likely are protective and loving towards your sons, particularly the one who's nearly grown but who still functions like a child. And that's both valid and appropriate.

It's okay to be hurt when the ones we love and protect seem left out or ignored.

But it's also okay to understand that some people may not know how to respond to our loved ones. Your sister may simply assume that your boys are too old for gifts or texts. Maybe she has other nieces or nephews that are over 18, and perhaps the family she married into stops giving gifts to nieces/nephews once they turn 18. Or maybe she's at a loss about how to treat your adult son who's still quite child-like. Maybe she feels uncomfortable asking about him. That is just a reality in the world we live in. Act towards your sister in the way that is real for you, without expecting a similar response from her. If you feel generous, act on it. If you love to make cookies or breads, and you know your sister loves a certain treat, send her some. if you have a budget that permits it, send your sister and her husband/kids a gift card for a restaurant, or small gifts for everyone. Text your sister on special days. But do these things because they're what makes you YOU.

Be the best mom you can be for your sons. Advocating for someone with a disability doesn't mean having expectations of gifts or privileges. It means doing our best to make sure our kids are treated fairly in school, in society, and at home. It means keeping them safe and getting them the best treatment possible. And sometimes it means helping them realize that they won't necessarily get everything that they, or you, want.

Large family on the (ex) husband's side so we always drew names for nieces and nephews. Very small family on my side so gifts for all but it was very few. Either way once they graduated high school I didn't really get any of them gifts again until college graduation, or for weddings and showers. I say Happy Birthday on Facebook but that's pretty much it. They are mostly all adults with lives and friends of their own so it's not like they're going to miss a call or text from Aunt T..
Not sure what your son being autistic has to do with anything. I have a niece with Downs and another with Cerebral Palsy and once they grow up they are treated like the rest of the adults in the family. In other words we don't dote or fuss over them because of their disability.

I have always been of the opinion that once kids graduate from high school, that's enough of gift giving. If they are on facebook and are facebook friends with their aunt, facebook happy birthdays are sufficient.

I know it seems different for your autistic son. I'm sorry. I'm sure that hurts. But she is most likely lumping all the kids together in the age thing.

I will also say that kids who are older don't always show their aunts and uncles the same "attention" as they did when they were kids. Do your kids talk to their aunt? Do they pay attention? Did they say thank you or send thank you notes when they were younger?

You are definitely entitled to your feelings, so you aren't "wrong" to feel either upset or hurt. However, I find it interesting that you bring your son with autism into the equation. I'm not really understanding why. Do you think that some how his having a disability should entitle him to gifts and/or texts for a longer period of time than say your 19 yr old with no disabilities? If he is functioning at a 10 yr old level, then he should have the capacity to understand that his Aunt no longer buys gifts for occasions or whatever. Our 18 yr old is on the spectrum with a host of other issues/delays and functions at a 8 -10 yr old level and yet he is able to understand that his aunts/uncles no longer buy gifts (we stop at 18 yrs old, which he turned this year) for him now - just like they stopped for his siblings and other cousins when THEY turned 18. I guess I never even thought of extending the time he would receive gifts for based on his disability . . .

Maybe you need to explore WHY you are angry. Is it the lack of communication? Is it the fact that your sister got married? Is it because one or both of your kids isn't receiving gifts anymore from this sister, and why would that even bother you?

Good luck - I think there is more to explore here than a simple lack of gifts.

I totally get why you think your sister should give gifts to your 20 yo autistic child. Outside of family, he/she probably doesn’t have a whole lot of friends making a fuss over their birthday. Not that we make a huge fuss over birthdays, but friends and family certainly acknowledge birthdays and go to lunch/dinner to celebrate. My husband always says I have a birthday month because of all the celebrations.

Bottom line though is that your sister clearly doesn’t feel like she is slighting anyone. I also think life is too short to hold on to the angst this causes. Chalk it up to your sister being rude and clueless.

If your sister married into a large family, she might not be doing birthday gifts because of the expense. But a "Happy Birthday" text is free.

Have you talked to her about it? Maybe you could just let her know that a text from their aunt on their birthday would really brighten their day.

It's ok for you to be disappointed, but it's also important for you to recognize that she doesn't owe it to you or to your kids. Gift giving should be just that - giving (freely). She's not required to give them anything. So if you do want to say something to her, try to make sure you approach her from the perspective of how much joy it would bring your kids if she took the time to wish them a happy birthday.

I come from quite a large family. By the time my nieces and nephews were out of school, I had stopped. If I happen to be with them (say on a family vacation) we give something of course, but otherwise, no.

My siblings stopped even earlier with my kids. My kids once they were out of elementary school had stopped receiving gifts from my siblings.

What had been happening was, people just forgot. So if they got a gift, it was like a month late. It got to be a hassle. My siblings are all older than me by quite a bit - and have grandchildren. They were just caught up in their own families and their grandchildren. I don't take it personally. Neither do my kids. We made sure their days were celebrated.

If it means a lot to your sons - you could mention it to your sister. However, I'm not sure how that would go over. I've never done something like that. My husband's family were very hit or miss with the kids with regards to holidays and gifts when they were little. Some years they bought them an xbox. Other years, it was something from the Dollar store, and it was late. It never made any sense. We just made sure we celebrated their day ourselves as our family. I found it better not to rely on others. That way, no expectations, no disappointments.

In my family, we stopped WAY younger. My siblings and I talked, and we decided together that we would stop a few years ago. The youngest child was 1 and the oldest was 12. Buying for everyone was too expensive unless we bought the kids junk - and who wants more cheap junk cluttering up the house? We decided that the BEST gift we could give each other was time, and instead of gifts we all committed to getting together on a particular weekend in December to spend time together. It's great.

I suggest that you should not equate love with money/material things. Your sister can love you and love your kids and show you that in ways other than buying stuff. Does she? Do you talk? Spend time together? Does she show that you are important in other ways? If so, I think you should be thankful for what you have instead of focusing on what you don't.

My sister and I stopped getting gifts for niece/nephew when they were in elementary school.
We're not close and we don't miss it.
My niece would get a whole toy store for any special occasion - so there was nothing I could get her.
And she hates books.
No kidding - opening presents for Christmas at their house lasted a whole week.

My sister got toys for our son that she felt he should like - she never listened to suggestions I gave her - and she'd end up getting something inappropriate that we'd have to exchange.
Our son liked building toys - my sister didn't - she'd get him monster truck stuff that he didn't like.
We were glad to end it.

I think there are some great comments from Elena and Military Mom. I also questioned why you felt your 20 year old requires gifts. I understand the wide spectrum of autism and I have many friends with kids who are not neurotypical. But they are adults. If your sister isn't buying gifts for adults, why is it upsetting you so very much? You're equating gift-buying with how she values you, and them. There could be a million reasons - finances, not knowing them well enough to choose gifts, wanting to lessen her holiday load, wanting to lessen your load of having to reciprocate, or possibly feeling under-appreciated.

I stopped giving to certain relatives after years of them never coming to anything (so we could continue to know/have relationships with the kids) and never, ever even writing a thank you note, let alone reciprocating. We stopped giving to others when they just spent a ton of money and bought, say, 5 copies of a best-seller and 4 pillows from some charity they knew we would find offensive, and more of the same. They piled everything on the dining room table and then started putting tags on them. So my mother and I (who spent a lot of time together) always opened the same gift. Or, my mother got the same book as my husband did. This went on for years. It was totally stupid and insulting because there was no thought to it at all.

On texting: I don't find that particularly comforting. I have friends who send out group texts all the time and all I hear after that is the "ding" of replies as everyone on the group text (half of whom I don't know) reply, "Thanks. Same to you." Ding. Ding. Ding. There's another relative (a stepdaughter) who never, ever comes here for Thanksgiving despite it being her father's favorite holiday. Then she makes a big deal out of saying she's so sorry she forgot to call or text - when in fact that's just a reminder that she's not here. So a text during Thanksgiving dinner really says, "Oh, I'm too busy with people who are more important than you are, but here's a text." I used to bust my butt for years to be the perfect stepmother, and finally I realized it was as much about my need to be liked and admired than it was about doing what they really wanted.

For birthdays, it's just a way for people to cover that they didn't buy a card in time. And I can't imagine people adding to their Christmas tasks or interrupting their festivities by making a list of all the people they need to text.

So, instead of getting all worked up over this, why not decide what you want to do regarding your sister and her family. Will it make you happy to give her something? Or do you feel it's your obligation in order to get a gift in return for your kids? Do you have other issues with her and you feel she's not a contributing member of the family? Do you feel she does stuff with her in-laws and you feel rejected?

If you still feel you need to give something to her or her family, why not do a family gift like a package of food (homemade or store-bought) or something from your area? Or, give a new Christmas ornament or decor item. Send preserves from a local farm or something along those lines. Scale back and see if maybe it actually frees you up and makes your life more relaxing.

Well it is different on my side of the family than my husbands. For Christmas we get gifts for MY nieces that live here and my brother and sister in law. If we are with my other brother's family to celebrate we get them gifts too but not if they are not there. It doesn't matter the age for my side, birthdays are the same way.

My husbands side they only do birthdays through 18th. For Christmas they only do something if we get together and even then we draw names for the kids and sometimes do white elephant for the adults. But he comes from a big family. We don't do anything for the adults for birthdays we try to send Facebook messages or texts. His mom sends cards to the adults for birthdays and Christmas. But I think she even stops gifts after 18 which I don't get they are not any less her grandkids after 18.

If you have a decent relationship with your sister let her know hey my kids would still like a text if nothing else for their birthday. My oldest is 18 now so we will see what happens with him this Christmas and next birthday.

I realize your autistic son is in a different category but I don't know anyone who does gifts to family other than mom and dad, maybe siblings...IF they are super close. Other than that once the kids get out of elementary school they just don't do gifts like they used to.

I think you should recognize that you are expecting too much of her. If your son is upset by not getting gifts or a card from the sister maybe you can mail him one and say it's from her. I used to do that to my child care kids. We studied the post office in February and we'd set up individual mailboxes for the kids in January. Then we'd get all the families to send them notes and cards. We focused on getting mail for Valentine's Day the week before we went to the post office for a field trip. We did Hearts (human), Hearts (Valentine's Day), Post Office, and Dental.

It was a lot of fun for the kids to open a letter/card or get a postcard. So I'd do it other times of the year too. The kids didn't care where it came from, they were excited to get it.

we never did niece and nephew bday gifts, we do send a card, text or fb message to them. we do a christmas gift . usually a book with candy. for all of them no matter their age.

I just send a card for their birthday after high school. When they are all past high school I send a family gift for Christmas...so not even individual gifts anymore. I don't think it is right for you to expect your sister to send gifts. Some of our siblings (the aunts and uncles) have never really sent gifts - even when the kids were little. With one side of our family the cousins all draw names at Christmastime, so out of 10 kids we only buy one gift. I DO see how things are different if your 20 year old functions at the age of a 10 year old...that is hard and I'm sure he is delighted by gifts. It would be a nice thing to do, but perhaps your sister doesn't know him well and doesn't realize that this would make you happy. I still hold on to my advice to never expect a gift though. Some people place importance on gifts and some do not and neither way is wrong. My MIL doesn't even buy her grandkids birthday gifts. But she does try plan a visit some years and she will take them to go do something just the two of them.

NO you are NOT wrong for feeling hurt because it's hurtful! If you actually had a conversation with your sister and decided to stop giving gifts then it's ok but if your sister chose for herself to stop giving gifts and your still giving that's wrong in my book! I don't know why she can't call or text that's just rude! Have a conversation with her and come to an agreement this way there is no bad blood between sisters! I don't know if you live close or far away from each other but maybe gather for birthday cake & coffee! As far as Christmas goes maybe cousins can do a grab bag! Good Luck!! Let me just add....I have 1 niece and 2 nephews on my husbands side 30/25/18 and I do buy them christmas gifts and send birthday gift cards....they do the same for my 2 kids 19&17 whether we see them or not. On my side I have a 21 yr old niece and 17 yr old nephew (my brothers kids) who I don't exchange anything anymore...last gift was to my niece for HS graduation and I will do the same for my nephews HS graduation. That's a whole crappy situation over there and I got burned over & over again by them over the years. So sadly there is no communication. So try and work it out with your sister!! Good luck!!