Hi ladies, I'm hoping you can lend some perspective. I am not planning to intervene here, I'm letting my daughter work out her own struggles- she is 15. So I'm really trying to calm myself down here, not do anything on her behalf. I realize that girls friendships change over the years. I know DDs friendships from middle school to high school changed a ton. It seemed that freshman year she met a lot of girls and groups, and there was some shifting around and a few friendship 'breakups' and then she settled into a group of a few boys and 4-5 girls.
Things had been going great. A really nice group of kids, I have no complaints. It seems that as the year goes on, there is one girl dropping off every few months, and a bit more drama. It has been stressing DD out. I'm just worried that's she's burning through friends and won't have any by graduation! I guess I was thinking that friendships change during middle school and into the transition of high school, but then stayed more stable. Not the case?
I know no kid is perfect, and just so it doesn't seem as if I'm saying DD has no blame, she can be stubborn and a little bossy. So she may be difficult at times. I'm not quite sure what happens with the other girls. Sometimes it has been girl A telling DD that she doesn't like girl B and DD should stop hanging out with girl B. When DD refuses, drama ensues and girl A removes herself. Other times, they just drift apart, perhaps because they don't mesh well or who knows why?
So I guess DD will learn how to communicate better with friends with age, and hopefully drama lessens in the older teen years?? I guess I'm just trying to gauge if this is normal or if I can hope that DD will begin to have more stable and mature relationships at some point. Anything I can or should do? Again, I'm really not trying to butt in. She tells me things that are going on and I just listen. I'm not sure what I would say anyway!! It's just hard to watch this, and plenty of you have lived this or are living it, so I'm just hoping to bond over the strife that is the teenage years. Thank you!
I just love you ladies. Thank you SO much. I love all the different perspectives, but that they all point to the same thing- she's going to be just fine. It is just so hard to watch all of the hurt feelings going around, and the struggles to make and keep friends. I guess the root of my fear is that perhaps she is the problem, and that she won't develop meaningful friendships later. I'm now realizing, thanks to you all, that while she certainly plays her part in things, this is normal and no indication of her adult friendships. This is me with a big sigh of relief. I'll just keep listening, and as some mentioned, talking to her about skills that will help her now and in the future. I really can't thank you enough.
I have boys but from what I hear, this sounds totally normal for girls that age. I've heard stories like this a thousand times. Hang in there Mama!
I think that at this age, kids (both boys and girls) are very focused on, and aware of, what's going on around them. A likes B, C hates D, E used to like F but not this week, G wants everyone to stop talking to H, I is jealous of J, K has a crush on L, and so on and so on.
It can make a person dizzy.
In my opinion, this is a good time to teach our kids how to develop their own personal traits that will make them a good friend. Instead of listening when A wants your daughter to stop hanging around with B, help your daughter learn to ask herself questions such as: is B just a normal kid that A doesn't like? Is B doing something (drugs, drinking, etc) that makes B a dangerous person to hang around with? How would your daughter feel if someone just arbitrarily wanted her friends to drop her?
Teach her loyalty. Teach her critical thinking. Help her ask some important questions. Yes, this is normal behavior. But if your daughter learns to nurture her own good qualities, and learns what makes her a good friend, and what characteristics are worth developing within herself, and if she can focus on her own accountability and responsibilities and empathy, it will be worth it in the long run.
Maybe your DD is just being discerning. And if your DD isn't playing into the drama and a girl bails out, then she wasn't a good friend to begin with. Give your DD space to choose quality over quantity. Let her vent, but don't "fix it" and don't overthink it.
i'm glad you're just observing and staying out of it.
i disagree that the teen years= stable friendships. i kept a couple of lifelong friends through that rocky transitional phase but burned through a slew of drama or situational-based friendships.
you're doing well, mama.
khairete
S.
Sounds totally normal.
They ARE immature, and still learning.
Very few of us make any real, lifelong, lasting relationships until we are college aged and beyond.
Just keep listening and offering her support, this "drama" is like the emotional training wheels for real life, it seems important now but it won't be important at all in a few years, for either of you.
Sounds perfectly normal. I am not friends with any of the girls that I went to high school with. I keep in touch with a few of them on Facebook, but I don't really consider them friends any more. We just have a shared history. By the end of high school I couldn't wait to go to college, and did not want to go to the same school with any of them. I was so tired of the high school drama. Just be there to listen if she wants to talk. And reassure her that high school is NOT going to be the best years of her life.
It's normal. Just listen and give advice where asked for or appropriate.
From about 8th grade onward my circle of friends was constantly changing, adapting, fluid. People would come and go, and come back.
It sounds totally normal to me, and your A/B example shows that your daughter has a good handle on her own actions.
