My 17 year old daughter is graduating high school in June and was planning to go to the prom with her friends.. However suddenly she told me that none of her friends were not going to the prom anymore.. only to find out that her friends went ahead and made plans (getting a table, limo, etc...) but my daughter was not included in the plans.... I am devastated for her... I want to call this girl and ask WHY did they do this .. My Daughter says they didn't fight but I believe there's more to the story...
Thank you all for your advice.. I will not confront this girl, I do not want to cause my daughter anymore embarrassment. She said she is Over It, but as a mother my heart breaks for her...
Thankfully when her guy friend from another school heard what happened he told her "You are coming to my prom". As far as going to her own prom, I dont want her to sit with people she is not really close to just for the sake of going. As a side note, my daughter is severally dyslexic which caused her to be in different classes than most of her friends..She had to learn to live with it and as difficult as it was, learned to read by using multi sensory methods. She is going for her cosmetology license (she loves doing make up and hair) and wants to go to a makeup artistry school in NYC after graduation. She also is a camp counselor for special needs children, she has a real love for these children and loves to help them and make them feel good about themselves.. She has always had it a bit tougher than most kids, but she never had a day she did not want to go to school and she is a hard worker. Don't understand why NOW they are treating her this way..I will be there for her no matter what and taking this incident as a learning experience .. This will just make her stronger. as for the other girls "what comes around goes around"....
Welcome to mamapedia, S.!
You stay out of it. She's 17 - she's basically an adult. You let her handle it herself. I know it's hard. But that's what you need to let her do.
Good luck!
I'm glad to see how you resolved the issue. I have a profound fear of something exactly like this happening to my daughter.
Stay out of the drama.
I know it's hard. I went through it with my now 22 year old.
This is when she figures out who her friends are and dealing with people. It won't be long and she'll be in college and the workplace and she needs to know how to navigate these situations on her own.
We learn from adversity.
Oh no, that is terrible. However, you HAVE to stay out of it. I know every fiber of your being wants to b*t*c-slap that girl for doing such a mean thing, but honestly this is your daughter's fight. Your job is to support your daughter through this - not reach out to the perpetrators and get the back story on it.
Is it too late for her to go with a boy? (not sure when your prom is). If it is, make plans to do something she really wants to do on that day. Out of town if possible. Convince her to shut her phone off for that one night so she isn't watching it all unfold on Facebook and other social media.
That really sucks - I'm sorry.
How truly sad for your daughter.
A friend of mine has a wonderful daughter, she's a cheerleader and supposedly very popular. Always getting phone calls, has lots of friends that she socializes with and more to show that people like her and want to be around her.
She had her birthday party all set up. Mom had approved it to be a huge bash and they had it at their ranch so they had plenty of room for as many people as wanted to come.
So this girl bought invitations and personally handed one to each student in her grade. She personally invited them to come. They had a DJ and food and cake and more.
The ONLY person who showed up at her birthday party was a cousin from out of town.
Her friends had told everyone that the party had been cancelled and that she was really sad about it so not to say anything about it to her. That she'd start crying or something.
So she sat there the whole evening hoping someone would come. That's what good friends are for I guess.
She overcame it and moved on. It was horrible for her though. She had grown up with these friends and had no idea what she'd done. Her mom held her for hours while she cried over and over. It's the stability and solid home life of her family that got her through this. She continued to be a cheerleader with these girls and just stopped having anything to do with them. She simply went above and beyond her years and succeeded.
I encourage you to provide hope for your girl. To give her the hope that next year will be different. That she'll be away at college or at work or moving on with adulthood and she'll have the whole world ahead of her.
This is a learning lesson for her and you. Her "so called" friends are not really her friends. Is your daughter going to go to college in the fall? If so, let her know that there will be new people there to meet and make friends with.
As others have said is there a way for her to go to the prom with a few other people or a guy? I know it will be a bit lonely by herself but she can do it. This is the beginning of her adult life. There will be a lot more of these situations to come. She will know how to handle what to do and be fine with it.
I just wish it wasn't prom that these girls did this to her. Also tell her that these people will not be in her life in the near future so don't get bent out of shape over them. Seek others that have similar interests in things in life. Good luck to her and you.
Please stay out of it as a mom. Let her navigate the issue and learn from it.
the other S.
PS Sorry for the long response. I hope it helped you and any other mom/daughter in the same situation.
Don't get involved. It's teenage drama and you need to stay out of it. Let your daughter handle it on her own.
Please don't do that. Support your daughter, yes. Listen to her, yes. Offer ideas of what she can do instead (go to the prom without them, make other plans), absolutely.
Whatever you do, do not talk to any of the friends about this. She needs to work through this in her own way. This is part of growing up.
No. It would make matters worse.
Don't focus on the other girl. Focus on your daughter. Just be supportive of her.
Ugh, what a painful thing to have happen! However, while there surely is more to the story, it isn't your role to find out what happened. [Also, why focus on this one girl as the source, since several friends seem to have 'ditched' her?] Yes, I understand wanting to know and the temptation to get involved. It is your daughter's social world, not yours, however, and you really must stay out of the situation. She probably would be deeply embarrassed if you DID call her friend and start asking what happened. I'm starting to see this dynamic with my tween daughter (age 11 1/2), and I'm sure it will get more intense as she grows up more. Your role at this point is to serve as a listening ear for your daughter and help her sort out what she wants to do to rise above this development. I agree with MilitaryMom about setting up other plans for that day, doing something fun which will be better than hanging out with unkind people.
Remember that she needs to figure things out for herself now, with you as support and offering your thoughts ONLY when asked, and ONLY as possible different views on the options. Good luck with it--sounds really challenging for you and her. You will both grow from it in the long run.
ETA after your So what Happened?--Your daughter sounds like an awesome, strong person who is becoming a fabulous grownup. It's wonderful that she and her guy friend are going to make a great time out of it. Thanks for sharing that followup.
As awful as it is, DO NOT confront anyone. It's your daughter's issue to sort out.
When my oldest son and step-daughter were juniors, they, their respective best friends, their dates and another couple where the boy was friend with the boys and the girl was friends with the girls were supposed to share a 10-person limo for the prom. SD's best friend's mom - whom I considered a friend - was in charge of transportation and knew of the list of kids going. The girls - SD and her best friend - at some point decided that my son and his best friend and their dates weren't cool enough for the limo and invited two other couples in their place - and didn't tell the boys until a week before the prom! Actually, they didn't tell them at all - the kid who was part of the 5th couple and friends with the two boys found out from his date and was really upset and told the boys. We had to scramble for alternate transportation for them.
There ended up being a lot of conversations among the adults and massive fighting at my house (naturally my now ex husband defended his daughter and claimed that she wasn't responsible), which was ultimately unproductive. The girls never apologized to the boys or took ownership of pulling a mean girl stunt but it's water under the bridge at this point. Honestly if I think about it (like now) it can still make me mad, and it's been two years.
You're not going to get satisfying answers. These kids did something awful to your daughter. Hopefully it shines a light into their character and she can choose to seek out a new circle of friends. I really am sorry that this happened. It's such a shitty thing to do and to see your kid go through.
Hi S.,
I agree that you stay out of it. At 17 and nearly being ready to be independent, it's up to kids to negotiate their own friendships and problems.
I am working with a teen who has a lot of challenges in terms of her health and her maturity, and I also have a friend with a seriously ill daughter who is struggling in college because of her illness and her learning disability. One thing both girls have in common is that they SAY they have friends, but they don't actually get together with them that much. "My" teen doesn't think kids have sweet 16 parties and so forth - but she doesn't realize they DO have them and she's not invited. Kids talk to her because she gets good grades and she makes a point of helping them with homework and projects, but she doesn't realize that some of them are using her (even though her academic excellence makes her kind of arrogant), and the others are tolerating her out of kindness even though she has few social skills. My friend's daughter is just socially awkward and the other students kind of hold her at arm's length. Both girls have missed a lot of classes due to illness, and that's when the bonds form with the other kids.
Your daughter may be in the same boat - she has other classes, she's not with all these kids all the time, and kids may have gone their separate ways even if your daughter doesn't have the social awkwardness of the 2 girls in my life. But the other kids may not be such good friends either, and they may not have had the skills to either include your daughter or talk openly about their plans so she wasn't surprised. It may be that the signs were there all along, and your daughter just didn't notice. Maybe it took a big event like the prom for this to gel.
What your daughter also has to do is to find new friends, better friends, who are more her style and personality. She may be clinging to kids from a few years ago and not realize that these are prime years for kids to change a lot, having less in common than they once did. Relationships sometimes run their course, and that's a good lesson for your daughter to learn now. Many of these kids are going to go their separate ways in September anyway, and a lot of those friendships won't survive the first year of college anyway. I'd focus more on the natural evolution, and ebb and flow of relationships, rather than on the "what goes around, comes around" attitude which can give her strength in the beginning but can kind of eat away at her if she stays angry.
The best thing you can do for her is to let her know that she can and will stand on her own 2 feet. She has goals and talents, and she needs to open her eyes more to people who appreciate her, rather than try to take other kids and fit them into her mold and her life.
And she's going to a prom with someone, and hopefully she will have a better time than at her own prom just looking at the kids she's not sitting with. Support her in finding a decent boy who has manners and feelings.
Good luck!
NO NO NO. Let your daughter deal with her friend. Do NOT get in the middle of this. It is not your battle to fight.
I think your daughter has just figured out that her 'friends' aren't really such good friends.
Be supportive of your daughter, but stay out of it.
She will make other friends.
Stay out of it. The worse thing you can do is get involved. It hurts to see your child hurting I know, but you have to stay strong. If she wants to go with this boy to another prom, do not discourage her. Seriously. So she doesn't know anyone. Bet she will make new friends.
Added:
What a great friend she has, good for her. She should have a great time with him. She sounds like such a sweetheart. Karma always comes around. Hope she has a great time at his prom!!
I wouldn't confront them. It's not worth it, nor is it worth your daughters embarrassment in having her mother get involved. If I was your daughter I'd go by myself to the prom or take a good guy and just have a blast. She can rise above it and move on if you support and encourage her. Friends like that aren't worth all that drama and heartache. They aren't the ones that she will have in her life for the long haul. It's a good lesson to learn, albeit hard and cruel.
I have about a handful of friends in my life, only two from high school days. The rest i could care less. They weren't there for the major stuff.
Make sure you have a graduation party for your daughter. It's important that you get people there to celebrate with her, those who don't treat her this way. Family, neighbors, friends...
17 is too old to get in involved. Comfort her, but at this age she is completely responsible for her own friendships.
