My daughter is 15 months old. I would like some help refining her sleep habits but am opposed to the cry it out method (all variations of it). I'm hoping you wise mamas can provide some good ideas. My fantasy is to have my girl sleep 7:00-6:00 AM and to be able to go to sleep on her own for naps and at bed time- any version closer to that, though, would be great!
Here's her current situation. She takes two naps per day at 9 and 2, start times varying less than 30 minutes. She sleeps anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour 20 (usually 30 in the am and 45-60 in the afternoon). At night, she goes down at 7:30 after a very consistent routine: bath, massage, pjs, nursing, book, sleep sack, paci, and rocking her to sleep. The nap routine is similar but shorter. Naps take 5-15 minutes of rocking to get her down, night time takes 15-30 minutes. At night, she usually wakes once - the time is highly variable- and I nurse her. She sometimes goes back to sleep easily after breast milk, but occasionally will be up 60-90 minutes! She wakes between 5 and 6 for the day. We've read Elizabeth Pantley's books and are attracted to that philosophy. Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child we've also read, but don't resonate with much. We've tried putting our daughter down while very relaxed but not asleep and just as her eyes are closing -- and she's up on her feet fussing/crying within seconds. We've tried soothing her back to sleep sans nursing at night, but she cried for an hour or more- not worth the stress and loss of sleep for us. She has always slept in her own crib but in our room-- our housing situation doesn't allow for any other sleep arrangement at the moment.
She is healthy and seems very well adjusted and focused, but sometimes clingy and fussy. She never really shows other sleepy signs other than being fussy. I wonder if she could be even better if she had more sleep. I know I'd be healthier if she did. I also wonder, if we continue doing what we're doing - which isn't terrible, just could be better- when and how will she develop the ability to go to sleep and stay asleep on her own?? I can live with it a while longer with some reassurance that it will happen before too too long.
I eagerly await your wise thoughts, mamas. Thank you in advance!
Dear M.,
I can sympathize--I'm also not a fan of cry it out. I didn't rock mine, but I would lie with her until she fell asleep, and we weren't really able to (somewhat) peacefully ease out of that routine until she was 3 or 4. I'm hoping to have more luck putting this next one down while drowsy from the start, but I just think it's harder with some kids. I wish I had something more useful, but that was my experience.
I too am totally opposed to CIO I don't think it's healthy for a child to cry to exhaustion. I think she's old enough to understand when it's time to sleep. When she goes to bed just say the same thing everytime. Like "It's bedtime, it's time to go to sleep" tell her that mommy is sleeping so she needs to sleep too, it is not playtime it is bedtime. And be firm don't give in, if she sees you sleeping maybe she'll get the idea. When mine transitioned to sleeping through the night I would go in, rock her and talk to her softly about it being bedtime and then put her back awake. It took a while but eventually I didn't have to go in at all and now she is a power sleeper 7-7 every night.
Honestly, I think you are overanalyzing this. When you say you are "against crying it out", does that also mean you are against just putting your little tyke in bed, period? It's not an approach, it's just a fait accompli. The "crying out" typically doesn't last long at all. You running back in to the room does. So can you just give it a shot -- put her in bed and walk out -- and see if it doesn't all pipe down relatively quickly?
My first three kids all co-slept with me until the night that they just didn't anymore, which was between 6 months and 15 months. The whole transition took between 1 and 3 nights depending, and the longest crying jag was 30 minutes total. It's not a big deal unless you make it one.
My twins took turns co-sleeping with me and on the night that they didn't, they just got popped in the crib, no drama. If they know the rules, it's all OK.
There is much to the saying "it's cruel to be kind."
I think what might work for you is a SuperNanny approach. Goodnight sweetheart it's time to go to bed. If she gets out of bed again, don't talk or entertain her in any way, and put her back to bed.
Now for your LO, since she's in a crib in your room, I think NOT picking her up is key. It is NOT your job to tend to her 24/7 just because she's awake. My attitude towards my children after they're about 1 yr old is you get enough hugs and kisses during the daytime, at nighttime, it's bedtime.
I think you should just say, "Shhh Shhh. It's sleepytime sweetheart." If you really want to pacify her you can try to rub her back and shush her. I think anything more engaging is perpetuating the night wakings.
I don't think kids should just be left to scream. However I also believe that they have some control. Her crying is because she's mad, not neglected. Just because she isn't getting what she wants doesn't mean you aren't tending to her.
I too believe that any form of CIO can have long lasting impacts on children and am opposed to it. I am a long term boobie-feeding mom. I currently have a 20 month old and a 9.5 year old. Here is what I suggest:
Make sure she she is really ready for bed. My son sleeps till 7:30am, But doesn't go down till 9pm (he takes 1 nap at 1pm for 1.5 hrs). He nurses and gets sleepy and then I put him in his crib and he falls asleep. His crib is in our bedroom, pushed against our bed with the side off. He usually will sleep in the crib till about 1 or 2 am, wake up for a quick "bit-o-boob" and then conk back out. Sometimes I will put him back in his crib, other times he stays with us. He nurses one more time at about 6am, then sleeps till about 7:30am. I nurse him to sleep for naps, though sometimes he nods off for a nap in the car or when I am wearing him. They feel secure and safe and those feelings allow them to nod off.
I used this same sleeping arrangement with my daughter and she is an awesome sleeper - confident and at the other end of the house. She moved into her room when she was sleeping through the night and weaned. We would lay down with her in her room and she would fall asleep. She would stay there half the night and climb in with us around 2am. Eventually, she stopped coming in with us, but there was never any tears or trauma.
All children will eventually sleep on their own - when they are confident and ready. I have found that the breast fed babies tend to transition to their own rooms when they finally wean themselves (my daughter nursed till 3.5 years).
I think you are doing awesome! She will learn and want to sleep on her own when she is ready. Remember that she is still just a baby. Humans are considered infants in the animal world until 8 years old! We forget that all the time.
Best Wishes! :)
