Hi all... I really need some help. My daughter is in kindergarten and will be 6 years old soon. Her teacher called me this evening who is quite old school and in her 60's and told me she was very concerned about my child. She told me my daughter has tried to kiss boys on the playground, shown her panties to other children, dances "sexy" when boys are watching, and touches herself during rest time. We are three months into school and she tells me all this today. I am a single parents with no boyfriend and stay very busy. We do not have cable and only watch G and PG movies. She does want to be a dancer and a singer and takes dance classes. Please help or tell me what I should do. Her teacher wants to tell her school counselor and make her sort through this. I tried to talk to my daughter about it and she began crying hysterically and said she just wants to be pretty and have boys likes her. Is this a cry for a father figure? Her dad sucks and is not really in her life hardly at all. Please, please help me.
I will be sitting in on the dance class tonight. It's small rooms so there isn't room for parents but I insisted. Took her to the doctor and she has a yeast infection. The doctor thinks its from the new bubble bath. I talked to the school counselor who sees my daughter on occasion and said this is normal behavior that some girls are interested in boys sooner than others. She thinks it is the whole Disney princess thing because we do not have cable or basic channels at all. When her dad us with her he pretty much ignores her and the counselor is not concerned with sexual abuse at all. I am a victim of domestic violence and do not have a boyfriend or date so she thinks the lack of male role model could be why she is seeking boy attention. She also said teachers sometimes see what they want to see and are overly concerned. She thinks the teacher exaggerated the situation and hearsay events because my child is very honest and open. The counselor told me to keep doing what I'm doing and I talked about the convesation I had. My daughter and i had another talk this morning about private parts and not showing underwear. She also revealed the panties were new and cute and she didn't know it wad wrong. She is now aware and gets it. She also says she hadn't kissed any boys and that that is gross. She said the girls chase the boys on the playground because that's how they play in gym class. And that sometimes the boys Chase the girls. Pretty much, the teacher was overly concerned and implied things that weren't really going on is the counselors opinion. She things the conversations that I had with my daughter were appropriate and that I did the right thing. Glad I did take her to the doctor though!!!
Thanks all
A 5 yr old needs a boyfriend like a fish needs a bicycle.
I don't see how a counselor would be a bad thing.
I'd ease off on the dancing for now and sign her up for taekwondo.
I suggest that she's too young to be wanting boys to like her. Yes, she may need a father figure. Any adult men in your life that could take on that role? If you go to church perhaps someone from church would be willing to spend just a bit of time with her. Perhaps a Boys and Girls Club would have a mentor for her.
In the meantime do talk with the school counselor who can help you sort this out.
Also talk with your daughter about what is appropriate behavior and what is not. "We do not kiss boys at school. We only kiss friends and family at home." "Panties are private. We don't show our panties to others; only to Mom and the doctor." That sort of thing.
Make the conversation light and fun. Ask for her input. Ask her to show you her dances that she does at school. Then, if you think they're "sexy" talk with her about why dancing that way is inappropriate. Perhaps do some dancing with her.
I do wonder how she knows that these actions are the way to get boys to like her. Talk about age appropriate ways to act so that she will be liked by both boys and girls.
Added - so good to read your SWH. Do you know if the counselor is going to follow up with the teacher, especially about the yeast infection? I would make sure that she will do that, so she will "see" things a bit differently and not single your daughter out. You take care of yourself, Mama. Going through all this and what you've been through before is not easy!
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How did you go about talking to her about this? Did you out and out tell her what her teacher said?
The fact that she started crying hysterically says to me that either you told her a little too bluntly about the charges against her, or that she knows she has done these things and that they are wrong. I can't tell you which one it is, to be honest. It would have been better if you would have had some help talking about it with her.
Go to the school counselor - you might as well, because the teacher will already have done it and you will get called in if you don't just go ahead and make the appointment. If you feel that you may have talked too graphically about it to your daughter to cause her to be so upset, tell the counselor this. Tell her what you observe at home. If you feel that this woman's comments are unjustified, tell her that too.
The school district has a school psychologist who she might want her to see. You won't have to pay for this. As a single mom working mom, it might be hard for you to take her out of school and to a private practioner, so maybe this is the best way. The psychologist may feel that it's not as bad as the teacher is posing, so don't feel that everything is as bad as it seems right now.
I'll give you an example. A friend of mine has 2 little boys who got in the hot tub at a vacation house. They were naked, and as we watched, they were swimming around contorting their little bodies and kind of entwining as they swam. They weren't inappropriately touching each other, but it looked kind of bizarre. Their dad asked them what they were doing, and they answered that they were dancing. Then it made sense. So to someone who doesn't look at dancing that way, or even THINK of dancing, it might look sexual.
I hope that you will feel better, and don't let this teacher make you feel like an awful parent. You aren't.
Dawn
I would definitely seek out the guidance counselor in this situation. Make an appointment to see this staff member first with your daughter's teacher, and have her give you an objective opinion on how to go about talking with your daughter about this. Then let your daughter go to see her. That is what the school guidance counselor is for.
Your daughter has learned this "needy boy behavior" from somewhere. Make sure she is not being exposed to anything that is too mature for her age. That may or may not be her dance classes. Is she taking ballet or hip hop? A structured ballet class will teach her positive body image where as in a hip hop class, an immature instructor who plays inappropriate music for a 5 year old, the moves/music may be too suggestive.
What do you let her watch on TV? I may be a prude, but all those Disney shows do nothing but teach kids how to be snarky little brats who have boyfriends way too soon. My daughter is 8 and she is only allowed to watch one of those shows, and I still have to end up explaining things and teaching what was or was not morally right (for my family) about the show.
The little time dad spends with her - what do they do? Is she being exposed to the wrong things? You need to make sure of what they do together.
I don't think this older teacher is being out of line at all. She's probably given your daughter the 3 months to see if it is a daily occurrence or something that is done randomly or provoked. If she went to you the first time your daughter did this, that would make me more upset rather than waiting. She's obviously seen that it is becoming a pattern.
Society today is oversexualized for our children, and the only way we can keep them "innocent" is to stay on top of what they watch, hear and who they are in contact with. I'm not saying you haven't done this, as you probably have. It is just so hard for us moms and parents in general to control everything that are children are exposed to these days, and keep them from knowing too much too soon.
Good luck!
If it were my daughter, I would be concerned that she "wants to be pretty and have boys like" her. What does showing your panties have to do with being pretty? When 13 year old girls say stuff like that (I teach middle school) in response to their own inappropriate behavior, a conversation with the counselor can be helpful.
The teacher may be choosing inflamatory words to describe what she sees, but you at LEAST need to talk to you daughter and tell her that these things are not okay. 5 year olds don't kiss. Private parts and underwear are private. Also, start pushing smart, and strong as "pretty" characteristics as well.
I agree with Marda. I also have an impression (that could be wrong) about some Dance classes for young girls. It seems sometimes the costumes are pretty skimpy and the way they dance isn't how you would want them dancing at school. Flirty, exagerated hip swinging, etc..... I'm not saying that is wrong or bad, just that she needs to know when it is apropriate.
I agree w/ Kate in that you should talk to her pediatrician. But I do not agree that kids that age touch themselves in public-at 5 you know better.
My DD is just a little older than yours and she does not touch herself anywhere but in the bathroom at home. While wiping!
Personally, we are dealing w/ a peer who was exposed to something she should not have been. She is in turn trying to expose DD. We have nipped it in the bud. But DD is placing way too much emphasis on boys and boyfriends now.
I would imagine it is very possible your DD has possibly been exposed to something you are unaware of by her classmates.
Unfortunate, but possible.
As far as the dancing...my DD wants to dance too. She loves to watch Angelina Ballerina. Somehow or another in watching other girls dance she has picked up some "moves" this mama is not too excited about.
All hip gyrating and bending backwards. : /
And we do not have cable.
Not having a daddy around could indeed be fueling some of this, I think.
My DD is all daddy's girl.
Take her on a special date, tell her you want to talk. Ask gentle questions...talk about dancing, what she thinks about boys, why she thinks she needs the boys to like her, why it is good to be friends but that is all that is important right now. What is appropriate, what is not.
Your job is extra hard as a single mom-but you can do it.
What you wrote shows how much you care.
She is not too young to understand all this. Trust me.
I just had a crazy conversation w/ my DD about babies and marriage and ugly babies and not loving ugly babies. Lol!
Did the teacher have any other suggestions than the counselor?
If not, I'd say: no thanks.
You work w/ her (DD) 1st. It could be her older age is a problem-she could be reading into perfectly innocent behavior.
In kindergarten I had a boy who constantly tried to kiss me.
And the panty thing...well she probably gets a reaction and that might be her motivation.
We did some crazy silly stuff in 1st grade-trying to figure life out.
I hope somewhere in this ramble is something helpful.
Make that hot chocolate date asap!
GL!
I would start with explaining to her that those actions don't make her pretty. I too am a single mom of a 4 year old daughter who's father is not in her life at all. Thankfully, her Uncles (my brothers) are always around, so she does not lack a male figure in her life, just a Daddy. She asks for one all the time and often asks if one of her uncles could be her daddy. I think it is hard for them when everyone else in their lives seems to have a dad. I do not think she truly realizes the implications of her actions. Just love her and help her to understand how to be a lady.
i wonder if she went to preschool, because that's where my son and i had to have this conversation. my son has always been very exhuberant, VERY energetic to the point of being a little crazy at times...we went through a phase where he was "flashing" kids at the preschool - front and back. we had to have very stern talks with him about "privates" and why they are called "privates". i think kids do often need to be taught these things- some kids, it never occurs to them to do this stuff. (mine was "taught" by his buddy that that would be a funny way to get attention.) so we had a few stern lectures, and it stopped. perhaps the combination of no father figure, these dance classes (i totally agree with what someone said about them being too adult in many cases), and just wanting attention in general, probably led to this...it's just on you now to teach her better. i think speaking to a counsellor might help, it probably couldn't hurt. it may mean more coming from a "stranger" rather than mom nagging. good luck, and don't feel too bad. many kids go through similar things.
Have her talk to the counselor.
I would wonder what kind of dance she's taking and maybe she's picking up this stuff at dance class.
Have you sat in on class before , if not please do that , if they won't let you , get to another studio.
I'd talk with her pediatrician to see what is typical behavior vs abnormal. Try to get as detailed of an account from the teacher about what she is seeing and how much (all kids at that age touch themselves; it's when they do it excessively that it becomes troubling). Take that information and talk to the doctor and see what s/he recommends.
Good luck!
Hi, Single:
I am seeing the same thing in my 5 y.o. g granddaughter.
Times are different now than the 40'and 50's.
The 60's came along and now the electronic age has
created a change in the standard of behavior that is acceptable
and civil.
Children are sexual beings. Use your judgment as to
what the boundaries are and have conversations with
your daughter that will teach her about her own safety.
Good luck.
D.
ok, let me get this right, your six year old daughter is doing WHAT ??
you dont need to take the child to a shrink, you need to try to figure out not what is going on, but WHO. sounds to me like the child is probably being molested, or at the very least being groomed by a guy who is planning on molesting her. this is not a cry for a father figure, this is a child who has been brainwashed into believing the way for her to be accepted by boys is to let them put their hands ( and other parts ) on her. sit down, and make a list of every man who has unsupervised access to the child, then once you have a list, make notes of any changes in the childs behavoir at the mention of ANY mans name, has this man asked you to keep a secret, has this man ever touched you etc., then go through the list and find out how many of THESE men have been accused or convicted of child molestation anywhere in the united states or mexico. at this point, you will have a very short list, put a video camera, with a speaker in the childs backpack, then start dressing the child in boys clothes, the guy who has been "grooming"the child will raise the biggest stink about it. watch closely, then, once the "groomer" throws a fit about "asking" the child to wear a dress for him, call the police and get a restraining order. that way, even if he hasnt done anything to your child, the evidence will show that he has an unhealthy interest in her at the very least. and you wont have to deal with him anymore.no court, no judge, no lawyer, just clear proof that the guy has a problem.
K. h.
