My son will be 5 in April. He has always been a bit stubborn (possibly gets that from me:). He wants to be in control a lot of the time. We've really made some improvements in telling him no and him responding without throwing a fit.
Lately (for the last few weeks) we've been having issues on and off at dinner time. He will decide he doesn't want what's on his plate. I will offer an alternative and he does't want that either. He cries that he's starving but gets super specific about what and how he will eat it. For example, I'll eat my peas but not until you take that meatball off my plate. I've explained that he does not make the rules or tell mommy what to do. The first time it happened I thought he had just gotten too hungry and couldn't think straight. My husband had forgotten to give him an afternoon snack.
Yesterday I made sure that he got a snack at 3:30. We ate dinner at 6:00 and had another really tough time. He wouldn't eat anything but mashed potatoes which I didn't have in the house. He said "I won't eat until you get me mashed potatoes." I'm really torn on how to handle this because it is around food. If he were to say "I'm not coming inside until I'm ready," I'd pick him up and send him to his room, but I think that he's so hungry that he's irrational and sending him to bed without dinner will just make that worse. What do I do in those situations...drive to the store and get the food he wants or send him to his room starving.
Please help...it's getting to where I feel as if I'm on eggshells before dinner each night.Thanks in advance!
I should add that this isn't related to whether or not he likes the food. I'm serving things I know he likes and has eaten many times before. That's what makes me think it is a control issue possibly related to getting so hungry or being upset about something else. He has always been a good eater in the past and eats whatever they put on his plate during the day at preschool/daycare.
What my son has for dinner is whatever we have made for dinner. However, my son does get a say in meal planning. After all, I do and so does DH. So 2 days ago, he announced he wanted pizza. So tonight we are making homemade white pizzas. We will make the dough together after I pick him up at school and he will help chop the veggies for the toppings after that.
Stop offering alternatives. He gets what you cook- period. Require that he eats his dinner (an appropriate amount for his age) - before he has anything else... and if he goes to bed hungry a few times because he CHOSE no to eat- so be it. (Save his dinner in the refrigerator- he might decide to eat it later- if he gets up hungry... feed him his dinner)
It will probably be rough, but he is in a power struggle with you- and he is "winning"- he isn't trying to be bad necessarily, but he is finding where his boundaries are.
I really doubt he is truly starving... if so he couldn't afford to be so picky at dinnertime. Make sure his snacks are a combination of proteins and carbs (like crackers and cheese, or a half a turkey sandwich) to make them last longer so he won't get SO hungry at night if that is what you are worried about.
It might be a tough bit until he realizes that you mean business and you aren't a short order chef. But he will get it, and as long as you are firm and consistent... you won't scar him for life.
Good Luck
-M.
PS- we also do the one bite rule like McMama- especially with new foods. Except we switched to "two bites" because sometimes she would like a new food on the second taste. Unfamiliar foods that she may not like, I offer an alternative like a half PB&J or leftovers from last night AFTER she tries two bites of everything on her plate.
Ahhh...the dinnertime terrorist. I have one of those too.
The only thing that works is to tell him that he'll eat what I put on his plate, no substitutions, or he gets nothing. If he complains, he gets down and does not eat again until the next meal.
Children won't starve. He'll eat what you serve eventually. Stop walking on eggshells and just stand your ground. He's NOT "so hungry he's irrational," he's trying to get his way. Send him to his room. Eventually, he'll see that he either eats what you give him or he doesn't eat.
He's really trying to control and manipulate you and trying to see how far he can push you. He's not being irrational from hunger, he knows exactly what he is doing. Of course he eats what he gets at day care because he knows there are not any other options and they are not going to cater to him. I wouldn't give in to his demands at all. Our daughter is 4.5 and can get the same way sometimes about food. She will refuse to eat what we are having for dinner (something really benign like spaghetti or meatloaf - nothing really offensive like spicy chili or chicken curry) and want a hot dog instead. Or she will want a snack right before bed and I will tell her she can have a banana but she wants cookies. The magic word is NO. And what I've been telling her lately is "You can have a banana, or nothing." These are her choices - she can eat what is offered and available, or have nothing at all. Then if she gets hungry enough, she decides the banana is not a bad option after all. Once she realizes Mom is not giving in. Sometimes she ends up deciding to eat her dinner an hour or 2 hours later when she decides she is hungry enough. I expect her to take at least one bite of everything.
Remember what you told him before - he does not make the rules or get to tell Mommy what to do. If he says "I won't eat until I get mashed potatoes" then just say "Fine, don't eat." and don't appear upset or flustered in any way. It's his choice to eat what is there or not. Don't worry that it's about food. He'll figure out it's really not in his best interest to try to push Mommy around and make demands.
My husband and I take the same position as the U.N. - "we will not negotiate with terrorists."
My aunt raised her 3 kids by always having bread and butter on the table at dinner time. Sometimes they didn't want what was for dinner, but if all they decided to have was bread and butter and milk, so be it. They all grew up just fine.
In our house - our daughter has to try at least 1 bite of everything on the plate. If she doesn't like something, she doens't have to eat it. If she's just 'not hungry' her plate goes in the fridge for when she's hungry later. If she doesn't like the entire meal (very rare...usually she'll at least eat 1 thing), then we offer a pb and jelly and applesauce.
Megan C has it right.
You have to decide who is going to be the parent/boss in the family. If it is the almost 5 year old, then keep fearing what he wants and fix it for him. If you want to be the parent/boss, then tell him you only serve good food and he can eat what you fix or he can do without.
I had this kind of problem for a very short period of time with several of my kids. One of which was just plain stubbborn. I finally told him he could eat or not eat what was put in front of him, but he would not eat anything else until he ate his dinner. He got up in the middle of the night and tried to take the "fun food" out of the frig, but got caught and was disciplined (swat) for his stealing and disobedience. He skipped four meals before deciding he would eat what he refused to eat in the first place. After I decided I was going to be the one obeyed and not me to be obey my son, things were rough for a couple of weeks, but after that things went smoothly. If you don't get control; of this now, he will make your life absolutely miserable when he is a teenager. Not only will his disrespect and disobedience make you miserable, but it will spread to your other children.
We had 8 kids, and there was no way my wife and I were going to turn our home into a fast food restaurant for 8 little ones.
Good luck to you and yours.
You are going to get some reall hard core answers from moms...I warn you. The answer depends on whether he has always been a good eater or not. If he has always been a good eater, this is a phase where he is trying to exert control and you can give him two options and he has to pick one or sit quietly until dinner is over. If he has never been a good eater (like my son) you can ask him before hand what he wants for dinner so there are no issues when you sit down. I would also say, "I will take the meatball off but then you eat the peas". Then hold him to that. Have him play a role in meal planning and shopping too. No matter what the issue is, I would never go out and buy him something. There is always something to eat in the house.
When my kids were little I had a family meal. If they didn't want that then the alternative was peanut butter toast and carrot sticks. So the choice was eat what is in front of you or have the alternative. No discussion or arguments. Dinner isn't a negotiation and isn't a power struggle. Your child will not starve if he misses a meal.
So I'd sit him down well before dinner and set the ground rules moving forward. Explain calmly and clearly that you go to a great deal of trouble to make a healthy meal. You don't run a restaurant where everyone gets to order what they want to eat. Let him pick an alternative meal if he doesn't like what's on his plate and stick to it.
