Almost every day, about an hour before dinnertime, DD (who is 5) will start whining and complaining about how hungry she is...if I can, I offer her raw veggies or salad to snack on. Sometimes I can't, because we are coming back from somewhere, or whatever. Even after she finishes her veggies, she will still say she's hungry. Then when dinner is actually set in front of her, she barely eats any of it. She will complain about some aspect of it, like how we have mashed potatoes for a side and she doesn't like mashed potatoes - and I have to remind her AGAIN that she doesn't need to eat anything she doesn't like. Just because it's being served dooesn't mean she has to eat it - but she still has to tell us 2 or 3 times that she doesn't like them. We get pepperoni pizza, and she doesn't like pepperoni, and she has to tell us every single time that she doesn't like it, and can she pick it off - even though it gets picked off every single time and she's never been expected to eat it.
She only wants to eat meat if she has ketchup to dip it in. She won't start eating until she has a cup of milk too, because she is "SO THIRSTY", then sucks the milk down in record time. Then she barely eats 2 or 3 bites in about 10 seconds, declares herself done, and is asking for dessert before we've barely had a chance to eat ourselves. I've never expected her to clean her plate, but I do expect her to do a better job if she wants any kind of dessert (which is usually something small anyway). If she's getting dessert, we've also told her that she needs to wait until Mommy and Daddy are done eating first and we never waver on this - but she still keeps asking for it right away. Sometimes she will insist she can't eat anymore than the 2 bites she's taken, so I tell her if she doesn't have more room for dinner, she doesn't have room for dessert either.
Her teachers are school tell me the same thing - whether she brings lunch from home or eats hot lunch at school - she barely eats any of it, and she has plenty of time to eat. I think at school she is socializing too much and not focused on actually eating, but then she is always "starving" when I show up to pick her up. At home, it's like she can't stand to just be sitting at the table and expected to eat - she wants to get back to playing, watching TV, whatever. If we happen to go out, she'll be whining about how hungry she is, but when her food arrives (she always chooses cheeseburger and fries), she barely touches it and wants to go back to coloring her picture.
She's healthy and growing well, she's not overweight or underweight in any way, but she's always been more of a "grazer" and a lot of this stuff I figured was normal for a kid at 2 or 3, and by now, at 5, she would have outgrown it. I do make sure that most of what she eats is healthy, considering how little she seems to actually eat. Does anyone elses child act this way about meals? When can I expect her to be better about eating at the table with us when it's dinnertime? Any other tips or tricks for getting her to focus more on eating when it is time to eat and make mealtimes more enjoyable? I am a big believer in family mealtime but DD acts like she couldn't care less. TIA!
We went through this last year in kindergarten. The problem is that my son does not eat much of anything at lunch so he's starving before dinner time and a snack would just not cut it.
I just began planning to put dinner in front of him after school. He would have a snack later while we ate dinner. It eliminated the whole too many snacks/refusal to eat dinner battle.
Mine were grazers also. Just have fruit and veggies available. I always made food my kids liked to eat. Peperoni might be to harsh for her even when picked off you can still taste it. I would just give her kid size portions and some Milk. No desert unless she ate 75 percent of her meal. And desert here is still fruit. Unless a special occasion we have other goodies. She will come into her own with eating. I would not pick this as a battle.
eta.. drop the milk with the meal too.. it's been said that milk is a meal in itself for the most part and our digestive tract does much better with water as the fluid of choice during meal time. Milk is "easy" and is a filler for a 5 yr old".
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I'd drop the dessert thing... it's obviously been used as an "eating tool".
She might not have enough communication skills except to whine when it's eating time, and then uses the vocab that she has to "complain" about the cuisine for whatever reason.
Don't be manipulated by a 5 yr old, be careful not to cause an eating disorder. Mine werent allowed to leave the table till Mom and Dad were finished.. they could sit there and have family conversation about their day and such, never let them go early... Teaches them patience and conversation skills. The family table is one of the best places to teach our children "communication" skills.
My older daughter has always eaten like a hungry lumberjack. I guess that explains why she is 10 years old and 5'3". LOL But then there's my younger daughter, who eats as if she thinks we are trying to poison her. She will eat one tiny molecule of food, eye it distastefully, eat one more tiny molecule, grimace at her plate... and on and on. So I do understand the plight of the parent of a poor eater.
What I have always done is offer veggies as an "appetizer," like you do. No dip or bread/crackers, just carrot sticks, broccoli, cucumber, etc. (Also, this can take the place of whatever veggie we are having with dinner - she tends to like raw veggies more than cooked ones, which is fine with me.)
When it comes to dinner, they may NOT make commentary about disliking the food. Period. They don't have to eat it, and they know this, but they are not allowed to make disparaging remarks about the food. If they do, they are excused from the table and are not allowed to eat after that. Believe me, it takes ONE TIME of this happening and the child will not make that mistake again. I really view this as etiquette, more so than cuisine. It's just very rude to remark (in front of the chef) that you don't like the food, and frankly, after I've worked to prepare a meal that everyone likes, it's irritating as hell to have a small child sit there like a bratty princess making commentary about how she doesn't like it, she's full, etc etc. I have a pretty low tolerance for bad table manners.
The other thing I've learned is that if you have a child who is always "full" 3 bites into the meal, don't serve the meal with milk. Serve the meal with water. It's better for children anyway, and doesn't make them full.
I agree with your stance on dessert. If they don't finish dinner, they don't get dessert. They don't have to clean their plates, but they need to eat a good amount, so I know they're not filling up on sugar.
Bottom line, I think you need to explain table manners to her, and how very rude you find her to be when she says she doesn't like certain things, or when she announces that she's full, or when she keeps pestering you for dessert when you're still eating dinner. Explain what is going to happen if she persists in this behavior, and then stick to it! Like I said, it takes one time of being sent to bed hungry and kids WILL remember their manners the next time. They won't starve that one time.
Best of luck with dinnertime! Let us know how it goes!
I've struggled with an eating disorder for several years of my life. I do not ever make food a power struggle. Some of us are "grazers", that doesn't mean she can't eat healthy food and a healthy amount. And, not all of us come into our table manners at a particular age. Set the minimum of rules.
Sure, you could force her to sit, force her to be quiet by punishment, because you are bigger than her and the parent, but you can't force a child to eat. You can, through punishment teach them that eating and food is a battle of wills and not enjoyable at all.
What about instead give her a small bit of power in the whole thing. Give her acceptable choices, ask for her help in deciding what is for dinner, ask her to help you prepare and serve dinner. Take her shopping with you for groceries and make it fun, like a scavenger hunt or something.
Also, think about her day. She is in school, getting very little physical activity probably. How about when she comes home she gets a substantial snack, with protein. It is possible to get too hungry to eat (has happened to me often). Then, she gets physical time - outside if possible to wear off that restlessness and the snack before dinner. See if that changes her behavior at dinner. And I'd eliminate dessert for everyone, as it's just another issue.
I have a daughter who was a very picky eater, and her and I would go round and round about dinner. I actually would limit what she could turn down for not liking it. She used THAT as a tool, and I kind of think your daughter is too. I told my daughter that she could only turn down one item per meal. I would put a small amount on her plate and if she was "done", then I would put away the plate for when she was hungry again and make her eat ONLY what was left. if she didn't finish her plate, then no snack. I didn't force her to clean her plate, but she wasn't allowed to eat anything else until she did. The girl would often choose starving over eating what she didn't want to.
Personally, I think your daughter has too much power and is using it. At my house, dinner time is family time, and the kids are expected to sit at the table until the meal is over. They learn pretty quickly. Now my grandson knows that he sits at the table when we eat when he is over.
The biggest thing that jumped out to me was the milk . . . I'd stop letting her fill up on that right as dinner is about to start. At her size it doesn't take much to feel full.
I also have a kid who has a very difficult time sitting through a dinner. He just gets very bored. I was the same was as a kid, except I loved to read through a meal (he doesn't like reading the way I did so no wonder he gets bored). It does get better with time though I still struggle with it and so does my son. We solved that by having political discussions LOL. Is there something that your daughter would enjoy discussing while you guys eat?
Otherwise I think you're doing everything you can do.
This really isn't very hard, Mom. Time for you to change things up. No more milk before dinner. Water only. No matter how much she whines. You ought to be saying to her "I can't understand you when you whine" and then ignore her.
Giving her cut up veggies is fine. She's eating her vegetable for dinner, early. However, the ketchup is full of sugar (did you know?). NO more ketchup. (My dad used to pour ketchup on his eggs and started having stomach troubles galore. The doctor figured out that it was all the ketchup Daddy ate. As soon as he stopped eating ketchup, his chronic stomach problems went away. I would not allow your daughter to continue this habit, in case she would end up like my dad.)
Yes, you should expect her to eat with you at dinner time. What you have to do is get strict with her. Tell her that she can have her milk after she eats "x" amount of what's on her plate. Tell her that she may NOT fuss about the food. If she does, take her out of her chair and tell her that she is done. Remove her to another room - NO TV. You and your husband ignore her and enjoy your meal. After she comes in begging for food, put the exact same food in front of her AGAIN, and that is ALL that she can have. Nothing changes, including when she can have the milk.
It will be crappy for you for a week. But it will teach her a lesson. And she needs you to teach her this lesson. Imagine the humiliation you are going to feel when you go to someone's house and she talks like this about THEIR food.
Stay strong, Mom. You can do it!
Dawn
Sounds like you are doing ok. My seven year old is much like this. He is not allowed milk with his meal, because he will fill up on it and not eat. He gets water with his meal and milk after his meal (with dessert if we are having dessert). I make sure that there is at least one thing on his plate that he does like, so I don't set him up for failure, and I do require him to try at least a bite of everything on his plate. The kids aren't allowed to leave the table before dinner is over, but that usually isn't an issure because they are very slow eaters. When we do have dessert it is never served right after dinner. I clean the table and the kitchen while everyone digests dinner, then we have dessert about an hour later, so my kids wouldn't hurry through dinner to get to dessert. We do talk a lot at the table. We all take turns talking about our day, or discuss local news or our favourite tv shows etc... Maybe let he help you with meal planning and preparation, and she will show more interest.
1. Stop giving her snacks within an hour of dinner. She's not "starving," she's hungry. Which means she'll be hungry when she sits down to eat.
2. Often, we humans mistake dehydration for hunger. Give her a cup of water, but not a huge one. And only one in that hour before dinner.
3. Give her only 1/4 cup of milk at mealtime. Tell her she can have more when she's eaten. She's filling up with milk instead of food. Stop her from doing this.
4. This phrase works wonders: "DD, if you tell me again how much you don't like the food I made for dinner, you will be done at the table." or, "DD, If you ask me for dessert before mommy and daddy are done, you will be done at the table and there will be no dessert." The most important part: Enforce it. If she asks again, she is DONE.
5. If she's being rude, you need to tell her and give her a consequence (being done at the table immediately, leave the room, and done with dinner for the night). It's important for kids to learn that they don't have to say every little rude thing that comes into their heads because it can hurt someone's feelings. Would she tell grandma that she "doesn't like" what she cooked after grandma slaved over the stove for hours? Of course not.
6. Teach her to make a decision instead of asking about the food she doesn't care for. "I don't care for pepperoni, I'm going to go ahead and take it off and put it on the side of my plate," or, "I don't prefer mashed potatoes, so I'm going to have just two bites because I know my body needs the vitamins in potatoes." The proper terminology is not "I hate pepperoni," or "I don't like this," or "this is gross/yucky," it is "I don't care for pepperoni," or "I don't prefer mashed potatoes."
7. Modeling good manners and habits at home will rub off and she'll start eating better at school. Don't worry too much.
This is all normal stuff that we have to teach our kids, and yes, it can be trying. But the end result is worth it. :-)
Good luck!
♥
C. Lee
You just described my SD to a T when she was 6!
She's a wonderful eater now. Here's what we did.
At school she was too into socializing and she can't eat when distracted. It's just how she is. We stopped sending dessert to school because she'd eat the dessert and none of the meal. We started sending her small meals for lunch, things that were bite-sized. She liked Lunchables, but they are too expensive so we'd make homemade Lunchables by cutting up pieces of lunchmeat and and cheese and giving her crackers. Having to put her lunch together gave her something to do that was fun. She got water with lunch as well, as she would suck down the juice and not be hungry.
Right after school she got another snack. Fruit with peanut butter, veggies with ranch dip, those sorts of things. And water.
When dinner came, we'd serve her small portions as she'd get overwhelmed with a plateful.
She was NOT allowed to watch TV until after dinner. That prevented her from wanting to go back to TV, or staring at it during dinner instead of eating. IF she ate all her food, THEN she would get TV. Otherwise, no TV.
We tried to make mealtimes fun and engaging by asking questions. We tried to involve her in the dinner process by helping to set the table.
If she complained, she was ignored.
It takes some patience, but she's a wonderful eater now! She tries lots of new things and she's on a great schedule.
My DD would drink her weight in grape juice if we let her. We ration it at dinner. She can have just a LITTLE bit but not a huge glass. She can have more when she eats more. If she doesn't want an item, she can say "no, thank you" but not "ew, yuck!" I would give her a small healthy snack after school and say "wait til dinner" after that. If my DD doesn't want her dinner, then she doesn't have to eat, but no treats. We tell DD that the TV is off for dinner, no playing, etc. It is DINNER TIME and we sit and talk and enjoy each other's company. Maybe try giving her a smaller portion of it all and she can have seconds if she wants. My DD gets no dessert unless she eats a good amount of "growing food". Whining just gets her in trouble. Dessert is not a given in our home and it's usually more of a nighttime treat vs right after dinner, and something very small, like ONE piece of her Halloween candy.
We never did desert as a regular thing.
Desert is for special occasions (birthdays and holidays).
And you get desert only AFTER you had something good/healthy for dinner.
No one gets to spit out the Brussels sprouts and spinach because they think a piece of pie or a cup cake is waiting for them as a substitute.
Your job is to offer her healthy things to eat and her choice is to eat it or go hungry.
Whining about being hungry when SHE CHOSE to be hungry is not permitted.
She can go whine all she wants in her room so no one else has to listen to it.
Her hunger is self inflicted and I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for that.
Give her small amounts of food on her plate and tell her no talking (except for 'please', thank you' , 'no thank you' and 'may I have seconds' until most of her food is eaten.
Then she can talk - IF it's not complaining.
i think you're doing a good job with her. my only suggestion would be to find out when her last snack is at school - my kindergartener eats lunch at 11:00, so even with an afternoon snack, i feel like he should have something small when i pick him up. then dinner is usually about 1 1/2 or 2 hours later. if i wait until an hour before dinner, it really influences what he is willing to eat.
I;d change a few things.
No snacks in with her lunch. simple and easy stuff to eat while she talks. either sancwiches cut into 4 or rolled up meat and crackers or veggies and fruit.
When you pick her up and arent going right home pack a healthy snack. I give emmy a string cheese, or crackers, or fruit or veggies, either on the road or as soon as we get home....but within a 1/2 hour of getting out of school so she's not full at dinner
no juice or milk within an hour before dinner
at dinner for emmy when she used to drink her dinner I would only offer water and remind her not to drink her dinner. if she started gulping...i';d take the cup and tell her x amount of bites before another sip. now that she doesnt have this issue, and is 6, she gets whatever she likes to drink but reminds M. not to drink my dinner. she could outeat a grown man when we do the above....but she's always been a good eater.
also no deserts if she;s not eating her dinner. plus kids arent supposed to get deserts every day. if you notice she's not eating well...do a few no desert days and she'll realize she'll be hungry if she doesnt eat. i'lll remind emmy on these days "it's fine if you're hungry but we're not getting desert so you may want to eat more"
ETA: I think you have two different problems with the complaining and the grazing. I would suggest working on one or the other, but not both at the same time. If you want her to stay at the table, strategize with your spouse to ignore the unpleasant complaining. If you want to correct the complaining, then let her graze. I don't think there's a way to do both, immediately, and get a good lasting result. The ante gets upped too much. Just my opinion.
Hi DVMMOM,
Did your child just start kindergarten this year? Sometimes, the highly structured day is hard for kids to adjust to, and being picky about something or another may be a way of gaining control of things. The fact that she's having a hard time sitting still may be a response to being at a desk and being indoors for much of the day.
One thing we have done at home is to tell our son (also five, also just started kindy) that he needs to sit at the table until he's done eating, period. The only exception is going to the bathroom. I would suggest telling your daughter that she needs to sit at the table until the dessert if she wants some. This means that she needs to sit with you and, eating or not, stay at the table. Chances are, she'll take a few more bites of her dinner.
I would ignore the complaining, if it were me. I find that even talking to my son about the complaining only seems to keep it present. I instead try to focus on other subjects, and positively notice "Wow! You ate all the carrots." (Granted, I only have one child, so this complaining is easy to ignore.) I understand the meat-needs-ketchup and other sorts of things, and whatever is easily accommodated, I'd let go of. If it's extra work, let her help prepare it. She's old enough to get things for herself in the kitchen.
Kids do chat chat chat at the table. When I was teaching preschool, it was easier to make sure that kids were tucking into their lunches; it's harder for the teachers to do that without completely separating her. She is going to have to learn to eat at that time, eventually. However, even if she was eating a full lunch, kids at this age are often still hungry at 2-3 and still need an afternoon snack of a good protein and carbohydrate.
Overall, what's worked for us is not giving in to 'I'm hungry' between meals and snacks. So, when it's bedtime and Kiddo kind of blew it at dinner and didn't eat much, he'll complain that he's hungry and ask for something to eat. I tell him that the he'll get to have a great breakfast in the morning, at breakfast time. Dinnertime was the time to eat. This has worked best for us. NOT getting him a before-bed meal.
By the way, we do our desserts at 3 or so, a few times a week, because I don't like to connect it to 'eat your dinner', and we don't have super-sweet desserts, so that is a non-issue. I don't know if that will help, but it works better for us this way. That way, dinner is its own entity and when it's done, it's done. If you are willing to move dessert time, it might make things easier. This way, if it's a control issue, she can get up and leave and have her clear her place before she goes to play, but be very firm that when she leaves, she's done. No coming back because she's hungry again.
Sounds like you'd better find ways to nip this in the bud. Be firm with her. She's getting used----conditioned----to this silly stuff. I can appreciate the veggie snacks but you might have to put an end to that as well until a more appropriate time. She needs to learn that she eats what's on her plate, and not rush through it. If she guzzles down the milk, moderate that. Don't give a whole glass of it. A little at a time works. Too bad if she doesn't like it. She's going to learn all sorts of 'new routines' in her lifetime, so this would be a good time to begin. There's a time for everything. Take away the crayons a picture to color and make sure she focuses on eating when it's time to eat. You're letting her get away with these shenanigans. If you don't stop, neither will she.
I am having the same issues with my 4yo boy. Everything is a fight unless it is his way. I can not seem to get him to sit at the table for long enough to eat more than a few bites. We have been trying a star chart where he gets a star each day if he does well. If he gets 5 stars in a row he gets special mommy time/ daddy time ( usually a trip somewhere I need to go anyway but its one on one time). I will be reading all the responses too and I feel your frustration. :) Good luck.
Are you my granddaughter's mother? Your daughter sounds just like my GD #3! It is so frustrating. You try to hurry to fix dinner because they're hungry, you're making something they like, yet when it's set in front of them, 2 bites and they claim to be full!
I know what GD #3 likes and doesn't like - like corn and beans. When we have these things, I don't put them on her plate because, like your daughter, if I do she will steadily complain about them even after she's told she doesn't have to eat it. BUT if I don't put it on her plate, she whines because she says she wants some. She did that the other night with corn. I made her sit at the table and eat EVERY nugget. She tried pushing it around on the plate and then saying she was done. Nope! I scooped it all back together and there she sat. The only reason I made her eat it is because she insisted on having it on her plate.
I don't know what to do about it, but in reality I figure it's her mom and dad's problem so I don't really worry about how to solve it.
Good luck! I'll be reading your responses for ideas!
ah.....girls! LOL they are such little needy divas!
the first thing I would suggest is to IGNORE HER at the table. It sort of sounds like you feel you have to maybe justify your actions and give answers to her. She needs to learn that its not a debate, and its not always about her. Hand her her food, and ignore any complaints she has....if she doesn't get an answer, she will eventually stop complaining and maybe if she stops complaining, she may have time to eat LOL.
Milk is VERY filling, if she is thirsty, give her a glass of water, then her milk with dinner.
Sometimes thirst can be disguised as hunger too, so when she's 'starving" before dinner, try giving her some water or juice...she may not actually be as hungry as she thinks, and is really getting filled up a little on her before dinner snacks.
the ketchup thing....my daughter would not (and still won't) eat meat without ranch to dip it in. Don't fight that battle....LOL
I don't make my kids clean their plates either...BUT...if they want dessert....that is when they actually do have to. My daughter is an ice cream FREAK! gets it from daddy....but we are fairly strict about no ice cream unless they've eaten a good amount of food. We always played the game too, that if they were done...we would say "ok...3 more bites of chicken, 5 more of potato, and 4 more brocolli, then you can be done" it's weird, something about putting a number to it made them do it?
