Our 19-month-old son is an amazing, brilliant and strong willed boy. We recognized pretty early on that he had a very strong will. We recently had our second child and while he has adjusted to HER very well (he adores her, hugs her, kisses her all the time) we have noticed some behavior issues popping up... specifically around company which has increased dramatically as a result of having a new baby in the house.
He has started to have a bit of stranger anxiety. When someone he doesn't know or doesn't like stops by, he first hides (I'm okay with this) but then lapses into a major, major meltdown (not okay with this). I mean full fledged screaming, back arching, sobbing, etc. This goes on the entire visit (nearly) and today when our company left after 30 minutes, we put him in a time out until he could compose himself and we had a battle of the wills for a full hour. Yesterday my friend dropped by and he screamed the entire time she was here, for an hour. I think a part of this is he wants all of my attention and just can't have it all the time. I get that. But how do I help him harness his emotions?
I also get that he might be scared, at least at first. We first comfort him and take appropriate steps to show him that the company is nice and will not hurt him. But the tantrum continues the whole time they are here and even after people leave and then it appears to turn into an issue of control and I feel we have to address this... somehow.
Does anyone else out there have a strong willed child that has issues with company? And if so, how do you handle it? I want to balance addressing his fears -- he is clearly just super uncomfortable with new people lately -- with addressing control issues. I don't want him to be scared, but I can't exactly turn into a hermit either and never get out or have people over. I already limit company quite a bit and I can't just drop off the face of the earth!
If you have strong willed children, I'd love to know what worked for you. Our son isn't talking yet beyond a few basic words (mama, daddy, etc) so I can't ask him to "use his words" yet.
you have gotten great responses but I would again emphasize that punishment needs to be addresses at that time it starts and not after everyone has left. Remember tantrums are for audiences oly they are no good when you get no attention.
Strong willed is great. Being dethroned is another. I would imagine all the company is really "ewing and ahhing" about the new baby. He is still a baby himself and has no clue how to handle being expected to now, since new sister is here, he has to behave like a toddler. Be patient with him. He is reacting in the only way he knows, like a baby which he is. He will grow into his "big brother" role with alot of patience and encouragement. Just love on him alot. Remind him how much you love him and how important he is to you. This will pass!
I would recommend talking to him before the company comes, and having one of your friends help you with this. Set up a time for them to come visit and let them know what you are trying to do and how he is likely to respond.
Tell him the company is coming, who it is, and let him know what behavior you expect. I would tell him that he can sit on Mommy's lap while company is there as long as he is quiet and sits still and that he can color or have a toy on your lap. Tell him that is he chooses not to follow the be quiet rules and throws a fit he will be sent to his room until he is ready to be quiet and play nicely.
This really will work. He does understand what you are saying at 18months and the minute he gets sent to his room, take him there and tell him that when he is ready to be quiet and nice then he can come back to your lap. As soon as he has spent 2-4 min quiet in his room, go get him.
The key is to not give any warnings, you did that before the company came and when the door bell rang you reminded him that he needs to be nice or he will have to stay in his room.
Keep putting him on your lap and taking him to his room until he can sit on your lap for a good amount of time without squirming (you can't expect him to sit still) and keep praising him for being quiet and nice. This may take several hours, but stick with it and make sure that your friend has the whole day free. When he is sitting nicely and playing, then your friend can go, and you can really praise him and give him lots of hugs and play a game with him.
In other words give him NO attention when he is throwing the fit, let him do it in his room alone, and give him lots of attention when he is sitting nicely or playing with his toys.
Good luck!!
I agree with the responses you have gotten so far. To help him overcome this behavior, I would also give him something new or extra fun to play with when the company comes that is a treat (something new or something he really likes that he only gets to play with when company is there).
Best wishes!
B.
It sounds more like a control issue. He is jealous of the attention the new baby is getting.
I would address the problem as soon as he starts instead of ignoring it until the company leaves. IF you leave it till the company leaves are still encouraging this behavior, because it comes out as it is ok to be this way and then he gets attention. Sometimes negative attention is as good as positive.
I tell my daughter in advance what is going to happen so she is not surprised. I agree with Char that he is still a baby, and it is probably an issue with getting used to not being the one that gets all the attention when people come over. I do not think that a 19 month old is trying to control you. He has had a lot of changes happen in the short time he has been around...just love on him. Remember that he isn't trying to play you, 19 month olds don't know how to do that.
Jennifer,
First ask your friends to talk to your son first ask him questions and maybe you could have a little treat they could give him. The baby is getting all the attention with being held, presents, and owww and ahhhhs. Also explain to your company what will happen when your son starts this bad behavior so they are not surprised. I would suggest telling him in as nice stern voice to goto his room that we don't want to deal with your bad behavior. If he does't go simply take him to his room and than tell him he can come out anytime he wants as long as he is done with his fit. If you stop giving him the negitive attention he wants he will stop. By giving him time outs after the fact it does no good. If he wins just once, once you start this he will never give up. You must follow through even if you have to do this 50 times when your company is there. He will learn fast. Oh tell your son company is comming over and what will happen if he starts acting up. He needs a heads up just as much as your company.
Good Luck and stay on top of it.
T.
Remember he is still a BABY (as another woman mentioned). He is still learning how to act as he has now been thrown into this older sibling role. Of course he is jealous of the attention his little sister is getting. He's only 18 months old. Be patient and give him time to calm down. Maybe ask the visitors to keep their stay short or maybe even back off on the visitors for a while. Good luck.
Definitely think this is a control issue. When someone stops, calls on the phone or whatever, each child needs to learn to be respectful. The first outburst with my children I removed them from everyone and told them they could return when they were ready to be part of the family and act respectful. It only took a few times, but do it right away and be strong. It's a control issue and right now if you let him scream for 30 minutes, he won.
I think that Kathy V had great advice!
Personally, I don't care for the adjective "strong willed" - it has such an negative conotation. I prefer "spirited". I think the words we use to describe our children, also turn into who they are - that is how we see them. Sometimes it helps to reframe how we seem them and how we think about them.
He is only 19 mos old - a baby himself. I encourage you to proceed gently. His world has been turned upside down. I would do as much as you can to prepare him before company comes - use photos, draw a picture and also talk about some choices of things he can do. Nobody - kids included - like their "dirty laundry" aired in front of other people!
I would also limit the numbers of folks coming through until he gets through this. I might also give the visitors a cue and ask them to greet your son first and then the new baby, since the infant doesn't have a clue! And yes, if you have some "trinkets" - dollar store type items wrapped up, give him one when someone comes over - it may be new enough and occupy him.
Be realistic in your expectations - children often behave childish.
My advice for families with new babies - don't expect too much of yourself, each other, siblings or the new baby. Grace given goes a long way!
Enjoy.
this sounds like a weird question... Do you let him know in advance (if you know) that someone is stopping by? Maybe you can make a couple remarks about someone coming by and tell him what you expect, like "I know you will be a good boy while I'm visiting wil X, I know that you will play with this puzzle and have fun." Maybe you can "bribe him by giving him a special treat that he likes when he is good...
If he feels that he is in control of what he can do while the visitors are there, then he may not have such a fit?
