Stressed Out Working Wife/Mom

Talk to him about it. The conversation will work wonders. Just be careful not to come off as "attacking".

Communication rulz!

When I went back to work part-time after being a SAHM, I told my husband that he had to pick one chore and handle it exclusively. I let him choose which one and I told him that I would not remind (a.k.a. nag) him to do it. It took him a while to get into the groove of it, but he eventually caught on and did it regularly.

I know it can be very overwhelming for you working full time and do many chores at home. I used to work almost full time, but I didn't like it because I was like you. I had to do many chores at home. So, I decided to divide some chores to my sons and my husband to do them. It really helps me not feel so overwhelmed. Maybe you need to sit down with your husband and your kids and share about how you feel. You can ask them to help you to do some chores. I quit my old job because I didn't spend enough time with my family. I started a new job last August which is part time job. I love it! I am able to be home and spend time with my family when I come home from work. Maybe you can think about working a part time job instead of full time if money is not issue for you? I hope everything will work out for you. Good luck!

I see you got a lot of responses...and I didn't read them so I may be saying what's already been said, but here are my thoughts...

First off, why are you working full time? Is it because you have to, financially, or because you want to, or for some other reason? Basically I ask because if you don't have to work full time, then I suggest you find something that's part time.

Secondly, with regard to the kids and getting them ready in the morning and so forth...I would make sure the showers and baths are done at night. I would also have them pick out their clothes the night before. They are certainly old enough to help pack their lunches the night before also. You can do it together, after dinner and it would allow some "talk time" with them too.

As for housework - you can only do what you can. Make sure all the dirty clothes go into the laundry room every day...and before you go to bed every night, throw in a load. As soon as you get up in the morning, throw that wet load into the dryer...which leads me to my final thought...on your husband...

You've been married for 15 years. You've had to at least had some semblance of communication over those 15 years. With that said, it's time to sit down - just the two of you - when your well rested, with full tummies and nothing particularly stressful going on. At that time explain to your husband how YOU are feeling. Don't bring up the things he doesn't do or how he sits on the computer or anything like that...simply tell him how you're feeling overwhelmed and so forth. After you've explained your feelings ask him how the two of you could perhaps work together to make this working-full-time-thing more enjoyable and less stressful. Ask him if he is able to fluff the clothes that are in the dryer when he gets home from work and fold them for you. Ask him if he would be able to spend just 20 minutes every night when he gets home (before you and the kids do) to clean up a bit...maybe run the sweeper, or empty the dishwasher or straighten up the kitchen. Explain that his help is the most needed piece of the equation for balance and peace in the family.

Also, if there's a way for you to make as many meals in a crock-pot as possible, that'd be great! I highly recommend the crock-pot. It's a lifesaver for those of us that work outside the home! :) Also making some larger meals on the weekends and being able to have enough left over for a meal later in the week is also great.

Listen, the most important thing here is that you communicate with your husband...and that you get your children involved in their own care. They aren't babies any more. They are certainly able to pick out their clothes the night before, and take their baths the night before and even help make their lunches.

Good luck.

God's blessings,
M.

HI R. and I have alot to say but so little time.

First of all, if you can be honest with your hubby and tell him that you need help...that will the first step.

Tell him you need help with getting on of the kids ready, select what you need them to wear in the morning and put everyhting in one place (clothes, bookbag, etc)
Pack lunches at night and get them ready.
Sit down and check your calendars at least once a week: to see if you have family events, school events, games, etc where you need help or simply you want him to be there.

Ask your husband to help you with preparing food ( my husband cooks)I see it this way.... what would he do if your job takes you out of town for a week? he would probably have to get up early and get the kids ready and do all the things you do and more...

I just thing you probably want to have him help you with a lot more but if he starts with a little bit and it becomes a habit for him then .... you have a great start.

If laundry is frustrating you, the least he can do is help to separate in piles, have your kids help you separate in piles, also ask your kids to put stuff where they belong ( mine dont do it all the time especially my baby boy....kinda little but they are so much better than they have been) I've read in the parenting magazines to have children fold their clothing... that they will not do it as perfect but hey they are learning....I havent tried that yet... but things are never perfect we just keep working at it.

Hope that helps...and hang in there.
Gotta run

A.

I feel your pain. I have been overwhelmed since returning to work full time after being sahm for three years. I have been working 3 months now and we are just now getting adjusted. I was extreamly overwhelmed at first. My husband and I had to sit down and have a long talk, I simply told him I needed his help and suggested things he could help me with like simply make sure his dirty cloths made it in the hamper. He now helps more even if it is just entertaining the kids while I cook or give me an hour here and there for myself. He doesn't really clean but it has helped a lot just him helping with the kids. I've also learned that if I ask him to do something he usually helps, I have a problem asking him, I think if I can see it needs done he does too. I have a three year old son and a ten month old son, my oldest will get his own cloths out the night before. I put the diaper bag and everything for the next morning together by the door. This makes everything easier for me in the morning. I hope this helps. Good luck

Sounds like your husband hasn't realized you are working FT just like him. My rule is if I have to work FT just like my hubby we will share the household duties. I have never got to stay home (not for lack of trying) and this has always been the rule but I have to remind him every now and then. You should probably sit yours down and talk about it. Men just don't 'see' things like we do, they don't think like we do, well lets face it they just don't get it sometimes (god bless em). As for the kids can they pick out their own clothes? Maybe have them do it at night and you can "approve" them before bed. Have them take showers at night buy a spray bottle for 1.00 at walmart and use it for water to "repair" the hair in the mornings. If possible make the lunches in the evenings at least the parts you can the stuff that doesnt require refrigeration. Maybe the kids could do that too especially if you designate a space somewhere for lunch stuff that is reachable for them and your cabinets won't get destroyed. You can approve these too. Kids could probably help pick up some maybe put their own clothes away. Hopefully hubby will help more once you talk to him. And we always "try" not to get on the computer until the kids are in bed or off happily playing by themselves. Sometimes the computer "sucks" you in but most times we stick to this rule. Good Luck and hang in there. Be greatful you were able to stay home for awhile anyway. And if it's not working out and you are able look for something else maybe with less hours closer to home or whatever would make it a little easier.

R.
You are not a whinning wimp of a wife like everyone has said. I think you have valid emotions and stress and like the one mom said "he is use to you holding down the fort". I read several of the responses and only because I just read/reading two books am I going to throw this out there. Have you ever read "The Five Love Languanges" by Gary Chapman. If not, it is a MUST read - and it is quick!!

My husband and I both read it. Through reading this book, I found out that I show my husband that I love him by "acts of service" (i.e. laundry, cooking, cleaning....) when the bottom line is he doesn't care that much if the house looked like a tornado hit. But what he realized after he read it was that I was doing all this to show him how much I cared for him and he wasn't getting it. And because I was SO busy "doing stuff" I was missing how to care for him the way he felt loved. Once we discovered this, he helps me out more - not because he cares if the dishes are done or the laundy is piling up, but because he know how it helps me. I hope this makes sense. I would highly encourage you and him to read this book. What a HUGE insight it was/is to us and our relationship. Good luck!!

It does sound like are ARE doing it all! You probably need to have a chat with him and explain how overwhelmed you are. I am assuming that your working outside of the home was a joint decision, so that means he has already agreed to this idea. However, you will have to understand that if he does take some of the responsibility, it won't be done to your expectations. You may have to let some things go completely...and other things won't be done the way you'd do them. Perhaps the kids can bath in the evenings to make your morning go smoother? Also have the kids and hubby help with making lunches at night? Do you use a crockpot? That can make dinner so much easier! If you can get hubby to start dinner before you get home, be careful not to criticize....ask him what he likes to fix. You may have to rely on premade mixes, etc to make it easier on everyone.

Hope this helps. Hang in there, Mom!!

Your husband needs a "rude awakening". Is there any where you can go for the weekend or even a weekeday overnight? Grab a girlfriend or sister and go on an out of town trip shopping/gambling or to see a show. Let him experience what it takes to keep the household running.

Good Luck!

I was not able to read all the responses, so I'm sorry if I repeat some of their advise. I agreed with the one lady who implied a baseball bat was needed. My husband does not take hints. I have to lay things on the line for him. Tell him what I want done. The tricky part is that once you've handed it over to him is to let it go. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. I would start with dinner. If he gets home before you there is no reason he can't get dinner around. I came home from work late once and my husband and kids hadn't eaten yet. I sat the kids down, made them sandwiches and fruit. Made sure they were taken care of. And let my husband figure out that if he wants to eat, he needs to figure it out himself. A few times of that and he starts to remember I'm not his mom i'm his wife.
Same with the house work, Do the stuff that needs to be done for health and safety issues and let him know, either help with the rest or hire a maid because I am done. I am working full time and I will not do it all while you sit on your tush.
Take one step at a time. And above all else remember that you don't have to do it all to be a Super Mom, Wife, and Woman.

I can see how this feels overwhelming. Stress is a fact of life, but it doesn't have to be a way of life. Families experience the "nightmare of the two-career couple," and bringing up children. Life is really not about reality. It's about our perception of what is happening around us and to us, what we say to ourselves about it and how we feel about it. That's the beauty of the human brain-we have choices. We have options in terms of how we behave, respond, think or change in the face of the stresses in our lives.

Most of us are lacking in energy and vitality, feeling overwhelmed and constantly exhausted, and having massive sense-of-humor failures. It's called "burnout." The best way to avoid burnout is to have a balanced lifestyle -exercise, regularly, eat well, sleep at least seven hours a night, laugh a lot, relax, see friends, enjoy work, have regular holidays, be grateful and have great supporting relationships.

If we can keep our heads and our hearts connected while life swirls around us, if we can stay connected to ourselves, be aware of how we are feeling and deal effectively with those feelings, then we can be more emotionally intelligent. This awareness will help us make the decisions to effect the changes that will bring us the balance we crave. And that means staying sane in the midst of chaos.

If you have to work and raise children and deal with other curveballs that life throws at you, that work can drain your energy. If you feel your work is meaningless, if there is little or no job satisfaction in what you do or if work disconnects you from yourself (maybe it's soul destroying?), then find some way to change things. Either change the way you view the job and create some meaning in it, or change the job.

Also, communicate with your husband and kids and ask for their help with daily chores.

You are loved!
D.

This was my life 7 years ago. I finally told my husband that I was overwhelmed and really needed him to start helping around the house. I regrettfully also told him that I am starting to review him as just another thing to take care of and not a husband. He said he would start helping, but also told me to relax and enjoy him and our daughter and not to have such high standards for the cleanliness of the house. I have learned to step back quite a bit.

He now does the grocery shopping and cooking of the dinner since he is home first. I do the necessity shopping and clean up after dinner. I do the laundry and he will occasionally switch a load.

We both vacuum when the time presents itself. (That is one of the things I had to learn to deal with.) He ends up vacuuming more than me though.

One Saturday a month me, my husband and my daughter do a good cleaning. Dusting, vacuuming, sweep and mop floors, etc. It makes it easier to keep up on the house if we do a good cleaning once a month. My daughter is almost 8 and it is her responsibility to keep her room clean each day. She has to vacuum it on the once the month deep cleaning, but lately she has been doing it once a week since she is starting to like the look of a clean room.

It is all about comprimise and I think if you talk to your husband and children about how it would make you more available to do things with all of them and be happy while doing it if they would pitch in. It doesn't seem to be as much work if it is split between everyone.

Good luck!

NUMBER ONE......the two of you OBVIOUSLY need to have a pow-wow and talk about sharing the responsibilities now that you're working full time. Guys are flat out stupid sometimes and as obvious as it seems, sometimes they need to be told. If you haven't discussed it, and you didn't mention that you have, you have no idea how he may respond to your request. COMMUNICATE! Take turns, share chores or whatever, but COMMUNICATE!!

Hi R., the key word you need is ORGANIZE. If this were your work environment what would you do. Delegate! My husband also leaves early, before we're all up, so morning is on me. I have 2 lists in my house one by the door and one in the hallway by the bathroom. The one by the door has all the requirements for "ready for school" (get dressed, brush hair, feed animals, eat breakfast....) the one upstairs has the "ready for bed requirements" (shower, homework, clothes out for tomorrow, check lunch menu, check calander...). Our calendar is color coded, each child has their own color, so they know who has dance and piano and gym each day. They are responsible for checking the calander and the lunch menu before they go to bed. They must get out their clothes and make sure they have what they need in Dad's truck for any afterschool activities before the go to bed. If they want their lunch packed, they lay their lunchbox on the counter. I have started putting a menu on the calander for dinner as well, that way if he beats me home, he knows what to start on. I do the laundry and each person has a basket, I fold the clothes and they take their basket once a week and put the clothes away. We all work together on dishes. As far as cleaning goes, the kids do their rooms, I tell them when, hubby and I do the rest. I give directions like a pro, you have to remember that no one can read your mind. Your family is used to you doing it all, they don't realize that you're killing yourself now. I know how my house should run, so I run it, I give the directions they do it. Now I don't just bark order left and right, but when I see hubby sit down in front of the computer in the evening and I know that I still have dishes, and laundry to do I just ask would he please clear off the table for me? Usually he doesn't mind, it just never occurred to him to do it. My kids are 8, 6 and 2. The little one doesn't have responsibilities yet, but she will soon. I heard a HR person say once that mom's make great managers, because they are used to organizing people to get jobs done. They also make great martyrs. Which do you want to be? Good luck!

You have reason to be overwhelmed!

You need to sit down with hubby and make him understand that when both parents work full time, the housework and parenting duties need to be divvied up more evenly.
Why can't he pack all the lunches when he packs his?
if he gets home before you, he should get dinner started, you could plan in advance what you will have and leave him instructions.
After dinner you should ALL participate in getting dishes done and the kitchen cleaned up. Get the kids involved too. The kids need to learn to work and they need to see that mom and dad treat each other with respect and help one another.
Working together builds family unity.
You doing everything just builds resentment.

Explain that the house and kids are a joint venture, and then let your husband do things his way, don't criticise if he doesn't wipe off the counters properly or pick out the best outfit for one of the kids.
Lastly, when he does pich in, praise him just like you would a child, because men have this wierd ego thing.

If he won't get on board with an equal contribution deal, you might have a serious problem in your marriage, but it is likely that he simply unaware, having had you at home for a number of years, of the burden you are shouldering.
if you talk this out, you probably will find he is willing to work with you.

Give up trying to do it all yourself! Make a list for the children of exactly what needs to be done to get out the door for each of them. They check it off as they do the task. ie making beds, brush teeth, feed animals, pack lunch etc. I might also suggest to do as much the night before as possible, lunch - bath - pick out clothes etc. If they complete the week sucessfully, a small reward, if not take away a priviledge. Never, ever turn on the t.v. in the morning - it derails the entire thing.
As for your husband, you come home, sit down in the recliner a few evenings! Who does he think he is. Together get another task list of what needs to happen to keep your house running smoothly for your family. When he does a task, even if it is not to your standard, leave it alone. Find some way to distribute the work load or you will start to take your frustration out on your family. Your children are definately old enough to do all of these things. My 9 year old sorts and folds laundry.
S.

Hi R.,
I think your concerns are valid as well. If you've been a SAHM for the past 10 years then your husband is used to you holding down the fort at home. Things are different now that you are working full-time. You should sit down and talk with him...put it in perspective for him that you are gone as long as he is during the day...and when you come home you are taking on a million other jobs. There is no reason these tasks can't be split. I think with men you have to tell them a lot of times...they have trouble just being cognizant of it on their own...we as women usually have to ask in detail for what we need from them. Being run down can affect your romance and sex life (after all what one person has the energy to do everything all day?!)

I agree about having the kids helps out and also bathing and picking out clothes at night.

Good luck!

T.

There is nothing wrong with expecting your husband to start taking on more responsibility at home now that you are both working outside the home. The family situation has changed and this should drive a change in habits/schedules. It sounds like your husband has had it easy around the house for 10 years. It is only natural for him to resist the kind of change at home that you have every right to expect. One question to ask yourself: Is this the example of a good partner you want your daughter & son to grow up with and marry/become? I don't want to imply that your husband is a bad person, father, or husband and perhaps this sounds too harsh. Please keep in mind that that question is very specific to the topic at hand (appropriate level of household responsibility).

More specifically, can't he pack the kids lunches in the morning while packing his instead of watching tv? As for the laundry/cleaning/etc I would recommend BOTH of you look at flylady.net. I joined just a couple weeks ago and already the house is noticably cleaner and calmer. I have engaged my husband and we are doing the babysteps together. Could you prep some freezer meals or meal kits (look at Quick Fix Meals with Robin Miller on Foodnetwork or Foodnetwork.com) or put together a meal plan so it is easy for him to get dinner on the table at night?

I TOTALLY understand. I have a son from a previous relationship, and now a baby with my husband. I worked full time until I had our son. At that time I pretty much still did ALL housework. Up until two months ago I stayed home with the new baby, and did all housework, and all baby care. Now I work mon-fri pretty much 10 hr days. And I was still being left to do all housework, shopping, and babycare. And I had the same thing...all free time on the computer as I was going and going until 8:30 or 9 and by then Im exhausted. So no you are not being a wimp, a SAHM is a fulltime job 24/7 and now you've added a job to that. He needs to help you bottom line. And you're kids are old enough as well to start helping you too, make age appropriate chore charts for each one, and maybe give a small allowance each week. Talk to your husband and let him know YOU NEED HELP. Marriage, and kids, and running a home are all team efforts. Not a one woman show!!! It took me alot of talks, a few days of silent treatments, and one big blow up before my husband finally started to get it. And if talks or any of that doesnt help, quit your job, outside of the house or inside..... he'll eventually get it. Stand up for yourself! Women are too used to be used as everyones door mats. You deserve a break and help!!!!

When I was working I would get up and put a load of laundry in before work, dry it when I came home. It was the same for me, I was handling everything, husband like to sit in front of the TV a lot. Many times I got up a little earlier to put dinner in the crock pot, or just cook dinner so I would have more time after work.

I would work out a "chores" schedule. Maybe hubby could fix dinner twice a week, fold clothes while he is watching TV. Your kids are old enough now, they should be setting the table, washing dishes, cleaning up after themselves, putting clothes away, making their beds and even vacuuming and dusting. Make a grocery list so hubby can go to the store for you.

Find out just what he is willing to do. Sometimes men just don't know unless you tell them. And if you ask nicely they are much more willing to do it. Tell him how you feel, one spouse should not have to be working while the other is relaxing. Unless he is doing work on the computer, paying bills, helping with homework, etc he should stay off of it until everything is done. Let him know it would be nice if he wouldn't get on it at all at least 2 days a week, say Fri night and Sunday all day; that way you can spend time together- maybe date night Fri, family day Sunday. Hopefully he will be cooperative.

Personally, I would refuse to do it all, I would give him an ultimatum - he gets home first, so he should be making dinner and the kids can help with the clean-up. (even if the responsibility is just drying dishes or if you have a dishwasher - then rinsing them for you)If he doesn't want to help out then tell him that the new full time hours are not working for you and he should look into a second job since he isn't doing anything but relaxing in the evening anyway. If you really like your job and that is why you went fulltime then that is a different story, but I would not be doing (or even trying) to do it all.

You should not be expected to do it all. When I was working full time and raising our children, I expected my husband to help out only I never told him what I needed help with. My husband said that he would have helped out a lot sooner if I had just sat down with him and asked for help. I didn't do that and I went on strike for about a month. Long story short we finally compromised. Your children should also be doing chores, they are old enough to help. Just remember, you are only human, you can only do so much and nothing is worth ruining your health or relationship with your children or husband.

One question - what is your husband doing when he is on the computer in the evenings? Is he working? If he is working on the computer and you are working on household chores, well, at least you are both working. But if he is playing games on the computer, well, that's a different story...

It does sound like you have a reason to be overwhelmed. One of the things that helped in our household was that the children take their baths or showers in the evening which Dad is responsible for. While he is doing that, I pack the necessary items for the next day. I get home about 3 hours after everyone else too. My husband normally starts dinner. Or he will at least pull out any items that need defrosting and get an idea of what we are going to eat. In the morning, I am alone with my two children and it is still hectic, but at least I feel like my husband is trying to contribute and it has taken away the resentment feeling. I know everyone's situation is different so I hope you find something that works for you.

R.,
Your over worked in my opinion. Your husband needs to pick up some of the chores and your children are old enough to help as well.Teach your daughter how to do laundry and seperate clothes . Whites and colors etc. I started helping with laundry when I was only in second grade and it made me feel great to know I was helping Mom. I also dusted the house and picked up toys etc. I set the table for dinner and cleared it .Mom insisted on her doing the dishes though. I was taught to run the sweeper and how to change the bags. By the time I was 10 I could do almost any chore in the house and I helped my dad on the farm as well.I earned a mere .50 cents a week until I hit jr. high .That was in the 60's and early 70's. It will also teach your children responsability and give them life long skills. In 3 rd grade I by myself made my first family meal and it came out perfect. Mom loved it when I cooked it gave her a hour of free time and she could read or what ever but was close enough if I needed her to be there in a flash.

I know of a wonderful Home Based Business you just might like to look in to. Please e-mail me @ ____@____.com. Please put in subject line "MELA" and I can explain a little more to you. No pressure, I promise.

L.

Ummm....hello....he should be stepping up to the plate and helping you!! Have you talked to him about your frustrations? Maybe you two should sit down and make a plan of how you two can more equally divide the "duties" of being parents and running a home. You obviously have stepped up and started helping with bills, etc. There is not one reason why he cannot either help make dinner, or help clean up. I'm sure he knows how to laundry (right?), and pick up the house. He is just choosing not to. Don't let him do that to you.

Good luck.

R., I have always been a working mom, I have a 15 year old girl a 9 year old boy and a 7 year old girl. the best advise I can give you would be to get as much done before bed like baths before bed for the kids, and lay out there clothes and put school lunches in the fridge and back packs ready to go somewhere in the front room by the door. I personally get up at 3am and everyone else gets up at 4:45am. This is MY TIME in the morning. As for supper if you have a crock pot it could become your best friend and you will have a nice supper with meat and potatoes, not to mention little clean up. This scheduel also means that Dad is home and can help at least head them off to the shower, he may help a little more knowing that as soon as everything is done it will be bed time, mine does anyway. Lots of luck to you but definately find some ME time.

Hi R.! I've been an FTWM since my son was 4 months. My husband is great...drops my son off in the morning and takes care of his bathtime at night. But, everything else is up to me except for the weekely vaccuuming he does and his occassional trip to the store. Truth is, you now have two full-time jobs and it's really hard to keep sane sometimes! The only way I've been able to cope is to have a schedule and a routine and we stick to it like glue. My son is two and he knows that from the minute we walk in the door, we do the same thing every day and he is expected to help in tiny ways as we get ready for dinner and bed. He gets his booster seat out for dinner and cleans up the floor after he eats. He also cleans all his toys and books up before bedtime without any help and takes any snacks to the kitchen counter. My bottom line is that I don't mind doing the heavy lifting around the house; but, I am not cleaning up anyone else's snacks or messes! Sad to say, my son is better with this rule than my husband! haha I would take a few vacation days if you can to be in the house by yourself and get everything very well organized. Come up with a plan of what your children should have done by the time you get home like setting the table and having all their schoolwork and paperwork and mail in a designated spot for you to review. Just getting them to do a little and be organized for you so you don't have to "nag" them will make your evening smoother. I'd also suggest getting ahead with dinner. Make dinner the night before and give your husband instructions on getting it in the oven at a certain time. This way, you might be able to sit down to dinner right when you get home! When you're tired, take a break. Don't make dinner and tell your husband to figure it out for everyone...you are not at home all day anymore and sometimes someone needs to make you dinner or take you out! Even with these little things, I would say most of my time is spent in the service of others...I would love some time for myself to work out or read! Good luck!

we all need to vent sometimes.but that husband needs to get off his lazy butt and help.no more excuses.also the 15th year is usually one of the bad years in any marriage.so please make him see if he doesnt help he doesnt get to eat proverbally speaking

I'd tell your lazy husband to get off his butt and help out around the house. I have similar problems with my husband, but usually I can get him to help with supper. Luckily my husband does most of the business affairs/bills since he is in the banking industry. Put those bills on automatic withdrawl. It is not fair to a man to go to work and then come home and watch TV and play on the internet. Tell him you are going to switch roles and see if he likes doing everything by himself. And if he makes more money than you and doesn't think he should have to help - that is a cop out. Good luck - Men are hard to change!

I know you say your husband takes care of himself, but I feel that he should be taking care of himself as well as the children, the pets, and his share of the household. I know every couple and family dynamic is different, but my husband and I work as a team to take care of the family's responsibilities. One person alone can't possibly run a family and a household and work outside the home without feeling stressed and torn in every direction. No wonder you are overwhelmed. I would talk to him about setting up a system that is more evenly balanced. Good luck.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, meaning that both parties share in the daily chores of the family. He needs to help with the laundry, kids, cooking, finances and everything else. Notice I said help. It sounds like you two need to sit down and talk about this and come up with a battle plan. One person should not be responsible for everything. He may just be used to you doing everything since you were a SAHM for a long period of time. He may not even know that you are overwhelmed. Men are creatures of habbit and don't tend to notice when they are needed to contribute more to the flow of the household. So like I said talk to him about it calmly and point out that you need his help more since you are working full time. If this dosen't work then do what I did and lite a fire under his butt and make him get out of that recliner. And on another note, you are definately not a whimp of a wife and no this is definately not how it is supposed to be.

Hi Rahel.
It looks to me like everyone else has given you some great ideas. I don't think you're wrong to feel overwhelmed. I know I will be in your shoes soon enough. I wanted to ask you if you have ever checked out flylady.net? I think you could get some great (and non overwhelming) organizational tips there as it's also meant for working moms/wives. Just wanted to mention that.
Oh, and also. How about overcooking some nights and freezing meals for those extra tired/busy days so you can just come home and pop it in the oven.
Good luck!
K.

R.,

I'm a full time overnight working mother of 4. No matter how many times my husband and I have discussed it he still doesn't help much. The best way I get him to help is to put a chart on the chalkboard wall. My oldest is 11 then its 9,5,2. She (11) does the dishes with the help of the 9 year old. I do the bills, we don't want anything shut off. The 5 year old helps with toy cleanup and her little brother(mostly entertaining him). My husband has to either help me with dinner and cleaning(we switch days) or he has to spend his weekends off with me cleaning instead of having fun. It sounds great on paper but it actually still takes alot of yelling at him so that he understands. I have even gone on strike. If he does not help me by doing at least a few things then I stop doing anything for him. I won't clean, wash clothes for him and he has to fi his own meals. If he has a bill in his name and its not important ( his credit card, tv, comp game) the bill goes to him and becomes his responsibility. It sounds horrible but its the only thing that seems to work.

Good luck,

M.

Hello R., you really do have a lot on your plate. I don't think your over reacting or being a wimp. I am a singel parent and i only have one but i still find myself trying to get a schedule going to make it easier on me and my 8yr old daughter. I would suggest that you have the kids take their showers at night before they go to bed (that's what we do) so in the morning all they have to do is watch their face and brush their teeth. I would also pack the lunches the night before. If the kids are old enough i would have the pack there own lunches. As far as the pets i can't help with that i don't have any so i have no clue. Last but not least, for dinner i would prepare the dinner the night before. may get some good receipe's for a crockpot. that works wonder's. start dinner before you go to bed or work and when you get home dinner will be done. now all you have to do is warm it up feed the kids and then help with homework. an hour before bedtime have them take there shower's and pick out their clothes. so everything will be done for the morning. trust me this works wonders for me and i only have one kid. we have our lunches packed, take our shower's before we go to bed, have our clothes picked out and i have dinner started in the crockpot before i go to work. i also pay my bills on line. i don't know if that will take some of the stress down but while the kids are taking there shower you could be doing that or while they are in the bed. i know you husband should do more but come one we all know its not that many who will help. i hope this will help you out. If you don't like the crockpot my boss fixes up meals that will last for the whole week. she starts on the weekend and freezes them then when there's something she wants she take it out to thaw and all she has to do is prepare it. lets say you want spaghetti. cook your hamburger meat now and freeze it. if you want chicken & noodles do the same. if you want soup. my dad does a big pot of soup and then put it in cans and freeze it. so go look hopefully i was a big help. A.

It sounds like what my best friend went through. She was a stay at home for years and due to the economy decided to go back to work a couple of months ago. She did everything while she was a SAHM because that was her 'job' at the time, it only made sense. But when she went back to work her roles at home didn't change at all and she is so frustrated! It's hard to change the roles that you are used to. She finally laid it on the line with her hubby and told him that he would start helping out! She made a list of all of the biggest items, such as paying the bills, cooking, etc and divided them between the two of them. It's still work in progress, of course. I hope you figure out what works for you!!
When it comes right down to it we do 75% of the work around the house, if not more. My fiance and I both work FT and he helps out a ton, but I still feel like most of the chores, etc are on me.

Don't forget. He's not a mind reader and old habits die hard. Let him know that now that you are working outside the house, you need a little help. Little things like cleaning up the kitchen after dinner (or helping you). Your kids can start helping by picking out their clothes the night before and helping do chores (even your six year old can dust, help put away laundry, etc). You won't be able to function well if you keep this to yourself and continue trying to do it all. Take care of you so you can take care of everyone else.

C.

You're not wimpy. His expectations need to change now that you're also working. But, he's not going to read your mind, so you have to communicate your frustrations.

Make a list of everything you do, and ask him to take responsibility for some of the items...and I mean completely take responsibility for them. (If you have to remind him, he isn't taking responsibility for them.)

Your kids are also old enough to pickup after themselves and help out. My 9 year old daughter unloads the dishwasher when she gets home from school, and to me, it's the biggest treat in the world. My kids also make their beds, gather laundry for me (and turn everything right-side-out for me!!), put their own clean clothes away, set the table for dinner, dust, vaccuum, clean mirrors/TVs, wipe off bathroom counters/sinks, collect trash, etc. They don't always take the initiative, but they do it when I ask. And it's not always done like I would do it, but it's better than nothing. Leave them each a list of things to do after school. And have your husband help them with their homework so it's done before you get home.

My other piece of advice is to do as much in the evening as possible to simplify your morning routine. For example, I pack lunches in the evening, and help the kids lay-out outfits for the next day. My kids also shower in the evening. I wet their hair with a spray bottle in the morning, and brush it so they don't have bed-head.

I hope this helps.

I don't think this is how it should be. i totally understand were u are coming from. if u have a good relationship w/your husband i would have a talk to him and just let him know how u are feeling. sometimes they take us for granted. my daughter is 10 now and i;m in the process of giving her some house chore responsibility so she can help me out, i have talked to her and explained it to her. everybody can chip in. If your husband can take out meat from the freezer so by the time u get home ur not running around trying to get everything ready. Also, dinner from the night before if it is a-lot left save it for leftovers or pack it for lunch the next day. i know it is hard, u just have to find where it works for u. Good luck

This is how we did it before:(I am now a stay at home mom with my hub overseas)... My hub and I did 50-50. I get one kid ready in the am he gets the other one ready. I pick out the clothes the night before and make sure all the papers and the backpack is ready the night before including baths for the kids that my hub would supervise while I made dinner. In the am they just get up and throw on what was picked out the night before and I make a b-fast for them and we were all out the door. Your hub may be in a routine and completely oblivious to the fact of what your doing. One day I wrote down all the things I do daily in the house and the list was over 25 items long...that woke my hub up. good luck-

Take turns cooking dinner, or if you get home late, have your husband take over cooking the dinner. It sounds like you are doing more than your share. Your husband has not changed his habits from his old routine, and as a man, he may not be aware that you are drowning! He needs to take over some of the household chores. Maybe he could do the laundry. My dad took over all of the laundry years ago, and he is like a professional at it. He checks labels and washes and dries everything accordingly. Your kids are certainly old enough to pitch in too. Assign daily and weekly chores for everyone, make a chart, and put in on the fridge or a wall where everyone can see it. Good luck!

Hello R.:
If you do not stick up for yourself and tell him exactly what you wish for him to help out with and just go and do everything, what do you expect? Stand up for yourself (and your kids) and give him a detailed list of things that he can do to become a better productive part of the homelife. It's not fair that you are delegated to do it all when you both work outside the home....just see if telling him and giving him the list helps with his involvement. If you give him the list and have open communication as to what help you need and he still doesn't help you out, then you now know how much respect he doesn't have for you and your family.
Sorry to be so blunt...just me :)
Take care and good luck,
M.

Before you went back to work did you discuss how things would change in the house and how you would have to both work together? If you haven't you need to now. Trust me he does not see that he needs to help out. You should not be doing everything. Women cannot do it all. SO have that talk with your husband and make sure you let him know how you are feeling.

Oh, honey, you're certainly not a wimp! I just went through the same thing. I simply told my husband that I was overwhelmed. Just like that, things changed. My daughter is only one so she's not able to help out. I think your kids are old enough to at least help clean up or even help prepare dinner.

My mom worked full time while I was growing up and my responsibilities were to help with preparing dinner, cleaning up dinner and even laundry.

If your husband won't help, he's setting a bad example for your children. It's not the 1960's. Women and men HAVE TO share daily responsibilities. If not, then the laundry and dishes just have to wait.

Best of luck, R.. Just remember that the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Tell your husband that you're overworked and under appreciated.

Hugs,
L.

First of all, I think you have to remember that most men don't see things the way women do. For instance, he probably hasn't even thought of the fact that you being back to work means the responsibilities at home now have to be split up. I know that atleast with my husband, he doesn't notice things. If I went back to work, I would literally have to say "Honey, now that I'm back to work, I will need you to help around the house by cleaning and helping with dinner." Otherwise I KNOW he wouldn't even realize it. Guys normally are very one track minded, and if they're used to a certain way of living, it takes pointing it out to them for them to realize that things have changed. Once you sit him down, just explain to him that you cannot do it by yourself anymore. Then, come up with a few things he could do to help out because if he's like my husband, he will need to be told specifically. I mean, my husband is a very intelligent business owner, but I don't know....common sense doesn't come as easy with most men I know. Anyway, I would say something like "Can you check the laundry every couple of days and if it's getting full, throw a load or two in. Also, if the dishwasher is full, run it and put the dishes away. Can you vacuum the carpets once a week?" Stuff like that. I would only give him a few so he doesn't feel frustrated about it though. As far as staying organized, I'm a real estate investor and there are times when for a few months I am working full time overseeing my jobsites, plus all the SAHM duties. During these times, I get totally overwhelmed also at juggling all the responsibilities. Some things I do is use my crock pot for meals so when I get home, I am not bombarded by making dinner, instead I just have to serve it. I also would throw in one load of laundry when I first got home and did one load a day. I kept cleaning wipes under the bathroom counter, that way if I was in there and noticed it needed cleaned, it only took a few minutes to wipe it down. When I get the mail, I grab my checkbook, stamps, and address labels, and while I'm going through it, I go ahead and write out all the bills at the same time so my paperwork and bills never pile up. It only adds maybe 10 minutes to opening the mail, and is well worth it. Also, I have recently started giving my kids (5 and 6 years old) more responsibilities. For instance, they're responsible for making their beds, which they've done for a couple of years, but they also have to make sure their rooms stay picked up on a daily basis, and before and after dinner, they help me set and clear the table. I feel your stress, I always get that way during my busy months too. It stinks, because I never really am able to get into the flow where things are not stressing me out since my work is so sporadic. Like now, I'm not working very much, just checking into the jobsite everyday for about an hour, but next week, I'll start putting in about 30 hours a week because it's almost time for me to paint it. By the time I get used to working/being a SAHM, my work will slow down again. You'll be able to get into a rhythm and stay in it once you get help from hubby.

No!! You are definetely not a whining, wimp!! You are 'EVERY WOMAN'! LOL!! I feel your pain, sister. I can honestly say..right down to the 15 yrs. of marriage, that my life is just like yours! At times I wonder what I am still doing in the same place (after 15yrs.)..am I insane!: ? :)
I have no answers..as I know that most men can't be easily changed. If you figure it out, let me know.
Hugs!

R.,

Unplug the TV in the morning and tape the plug unusable with a message that dinner in in the Fridge but it some assembly is required. Tell him what time you expect dinner to be be ready. Guys are not takers of subtle hints. Messages must be delivered clearly and with humor (some times the end of a ball bat is a good medium.) Repeat until it is a habit. If he can't cook then make him help in the kitchen until he can.

God Bless,

S.

I totally feel as you do. I too am a working mom literally bringing home all the bacon. I knew I married for love & not money. I knew I would always have to work, but not 2 full time jobs. Maybe our husbands are brothers! Mine only works a few nights a week at an upscale restaurant. Although the money is good, it will never compare to my contribution to the family. Therefore, I feel since he is home so much more and is with the kids more, he needs to do as a stay at home mom would do. Does he? Hell not. I come home from work and he is exactly where he is when I left... on the couch! The kids are running around like nuts and instead of getting up to interact with them, he yells! I hate it. It's beginning to make me hate him. I really hate his tone, his voice, and how he deals with the kids. I bring up my feelings and I am nagging. I feel you for sure... I find it is so much easier being a mother and working full time, than ever being a wife!

How much earlier does your husband leave, as opposed to when you have to get up and get the kids up? Is it possible that he can get the kids up? You speak of his getting himself up in the morning, fixing his breakfast and lunch, and leaving without assistance like it is an accomplishment. Why on Earth wouldn't he?

If he gets up and out of the house well before the kids need to leave, he could still help you in other way. While he is making his lunch, why cannot he make the kids' lunch?

I would not be picking out clothes in the morning for the kids. Either they can do it themselves the night before with approval from you or their father. If they fight this, then I'd allow them to pick what they like and if they get made fun of, it is their choice.

If getting them to shower and dress in the morning is not easy, why not consider having them bathe at night?

Since hubby is home before you, I feel he should start supper. I am not sure why any woman would not expect their man to at least have supper started if not totally prepared if she comes in later. I think it has to do with expectation of your doing it because you have done it for so many years. Well, if you are working away from home, and I am guessing you are doing this because of necessity, then the man needs to step up a bit more to cover your loss of time away from the home.

Be happy that your home is a wreck and things are not as good as when you were home. If it were just like before, then you'd have to question why you were not working full time all this time with a nice savings from that income.

The man has a full hour and a half to decompress after his job before the children are home. He could easily be taking care of laundry in that time. He has 2 more hours to help the kids do the homework and have them help him with the laundry. I taught my kids to do laundry when they were 2 and had them doing it on their own from the time they were 5. They are responsible for taking it down, sorting, washing/drying, and I simply fluff and fold. I put it in the baskets and they bring it upstairs and put theirs away and put the basket in my room for me to put mine away. I have had criticism over this, but I remind people that it is a WASHING MACHINE, not me asking them to take the clothes to the creek and beat it off a rock. Expect more, you'll get more.

Now that he had his decompression time, his helping time (with homework, laundry, and prepping supper - if not completely using this time to make it with the kids), you'll find you either have minimal to do for supper or nothing at all and you get to walk into a easy to finish dinner or dinner on the table. You still don't get decompression time, but at least you are not busting your gut trying to do everything.

Again, the kids are old enough to help with clean up. They can set the table, clear the table, wash or dry, and put away the dishes. It is AMAZING how much more respect that people will show by not wasting dishes (sometimes people think they have to use one cup for each time they drink, when in reality they can wash it out and reuse it) when they become a part of the clean up process.

The kids can help you with some of the cleaning, as can your hubby, just start a chore list. If you don't have to straighten up after everyone, you will find you have more time for the "deep" cleaning that will still need to be done.

You say that he "expects" you to take care of everything. I think you expect you to take care of everything. If you are not home during the day, then you cannot expect that you can do what you did before. Once you get that into your own head, it will be easy to start to let go and get some help. You are supposed to be the wife/mom and you are a family, that means everyone works together.

You are not a wimp of a wife. You just let your family get used to your doing everything. Now you need to tell them that this is not possible and you need them to step up just like you stepped up to work this full time job.

I do not think you need a list of things to help you get everything done by yourself. I think you need to reevaluate what can be done by everyone, so each person pulls their weight. Your time will open up more and you will find that you have time to spend with your kids (and hubby if he wants, but he seems to have distanced himself by spending more time on the TV and computer, so you need to plug him back into the family), and not just serving as the maid to all.

I really hope things get better for you, but I fear they will not unless you start doing some expecting of your own.

I can only imagine how tough that must be. I have a husband who god bless him barely manages to dress himself in the morning... jk. But I'm a stay at home mom who will be returning to the workplace soon and your situation is my worst fear. He has been so use to me doing everything for him that I'm not sure how much help he will be in the daily tasks and taking care of our son. I'm actually going to be working evenings so the care of our son will be totally left in his hands...lol. I hope my son survives...lol.
I guess the best suggestion I have for you is to talk to your hubby and let him know how you feel. I'm assuming the reason you went back to work full time was to help with the finances. Just remind your husband that going back to work was to help the family out but mostly take some of the burden off of his shoulders. So let him know that you would appreciate it if he would return the favor by helping you out around the house and with the care of the kids. Remind him that a happy wife is a happy home...lol. Sometimes men forget that.
Well good luck and remember your not superwoman.
Take Care

I think what's probably going on is that he is so use to you being a SAHM, that it hasn't occurred to him that he now shares the domestic duties. Have you pointed this out to him? Men a just dumb sometimes LOL. They have to have certain things handed to them so to speak. This may be one of them. Tell him that when you were at home full time, you didn't mind doing all of the chores that kept the house running, but now that you are working just like he is, running the house needs to be a team effort. Maybe he could get the kids up while you are in the shower? Could he start dinner and you finish it, then you clean up together? Laundry and other "big" chores could be done together on the weekends. You didn't mention how much your kids do either. They are old enough to start pulling a bit of their weight. Is there any reason they can't clean the dinner dishes or put away a load of laundry every now and then.

The point is that if your family no longer needs a SAHM, then they need to realize that you have grown right along with the kids. It is no longer your "job" to do absolutely everything.

make a list of chores and divide them up.

i'm jealous that you get to shower and get dressed before your kids wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you can expect your kids to help too. teach them how to make simple meals. if they are helping in the kitchen you'll be doing something together, teaching them how to work and how to cook which is a very valuable life skill! (hubby too-- he can make spaghetti once a week!)

Have a conversation making sure that you speak from your perspective using "I statements":

-I'm overwhelmed at all the tasks I do (be specific and list them)
-I'm unable to get all these chores done and need some help doing _____
-I'm feeling stressed and frazzled about_____

This is not about placing blame; it is about identifying how you feel and acknowledging that you need some help. Using this approach you might get a better response from him. Sit down together and make a list of all the chores and say "I need your help, and I need you to do chore number 3, 6, 12" etc.

Now, if he doesn't pitch in or start to help then (if this were me) cut him off. Stop making his dinner, stop doing his laundry, stop picking up after him, stop grocery shopping for him, and make him responsible for taking care of these things. His tune will change VERY quickly, I bet.

I'm not sure how open your husband is to sitting down and having a discussion, but you need to tell him how overwhelmed you feel and that you can't do everything by yourself! Why can't he help by making everyone's lunches when he makes his? Why can't he throw in a couple loads of laundry during commercial time? It's easy to fold it when you're sitting on the couch. He can also defrost the meat for dinner quickly by sticking it in the microwave, that way you have one less step. Your kids can also help by getting their homework done before you get home, and your husband can check it or help them out if they have questions. A marriage is a compromise and you should not be expected to do everything yourself. As mothers we tend to do everything ourselves, but we have to have some help!

I think that your complaints are valid. It's not easy to juggle all of those things without becoming overwhelmed. I think that it's time for a heart to heart with the hubby. When you talk to him, don't be accusatory or defensive, as this causes men to shut down :) Give him a kiss and tell him that you're thankful for his contribution (even if it is just monetary). Then tell him that you're having trouble keeping up with all of your tasks. Make a plea for help and be specific about what things you would like for him to help with. It sounds like your mornings are too hectic. You can ease the pain of the morning routine by moving part of it to the evening. Have the children lay out their clothes the night before with the help of dad if necessary. Ask your husband to help with showers in the evening as part of the bedtime routine. Pack the lunches at night and ask your husband to help. Since he gets home from work earlier than anyone, ask if he will throw in a load of laundry. Just one load a day will keep it from piling up. Your children are old enough to help out with chores too. Give them a reward system of some sort. They can put away clean laundry, straighten their rooms, etc. before you get home. Hopefully, he'll be responsive to this and you'll get a much needed break. Best wishes!

It is time for a family meeting. You need to sit down with all of them, husband included. He needs to start pulling his fair share of household chores if he intends for your paycheck to go into the family income pool.
Make up a chore list for the two children. They will get allowance money for doing certain chores around the house, if they don't do the chore they lose a privelage.
You can do major cooking on your days off. Fix chili, spagetti sauce, meat loaf, sloppy joes, casseroles etc., up in advance, get hamburger out before you go to work to thaw, and did you know chicken can cook in the microwave in stwenty minutes in a covered casserole dish? It can and makes it very easy to make chicken parmesian etc., because while the chicken is cooking you can cook up the noodles or a rice dish and there is dinner, all you need to do is add the vegetable. Leave big meals like a pot roast, pork chops, etc. for you days off.
Your husband needs to spend more time with the family and less time on the computer. Shouldn't even be on the computer until after the children are in bed for the night.
Every one of them is old enough to run a dust rag and a vacuum cleaner, do dishes, sort laundry, and your husband is capable of putting a load in the washer and the dryer. He needs to start helping out.
It isn't going to be an overnight change, but it can be worked on and it can happen. Other families do it all of the time.
He and they are spoiled and you did it, time for you to undo it.

Wow! You should be stressed out. You absolutely can not do it all and it sounds like your husband (bless his little heart) expects his life/lifestyle to not change a bit since you took on another full time job. You guys need to sit down (in a very positive, supportive manner) and discuss it. He will have to take on more household responsibilities if you are to work full-time. The other option would be to switch to part-time so that you have time to take care of the house and other duties that Moms have. You are not alone sister-I work full-time too with 4 kids, but my husband is typically a big help around the house and I couldn't do it without him. I wish you the best with your new life and encouraging him to help you out more. Also, your children are old enough to start chipping in with little chorse to help take some of the burden off you. A.

First of all, I think you have every right to vent. Then take a deep breath and see what kind of little changes you can make to make life easier for you.

How about...
Showers & picking out clothes at bedtime? Fixing lunches at bedtime? Giving the kids some responsibility to do their own chores? Etc...these are just some suggestions.

Then...talk to your husband. Tell him that you are overwhelmed. Suggest a day where there is a roll reversal. Show him just how hard things are on you & you'd like him to pitch in a bit.

Good luck!
S.

Ok been there done that. Time for the talk, the splitting of chores, ect. If he doesn't agree to help then it's time for you to stop doing it all. Hire help, if you can afford it. House keepers are a gift from god. Do you need a nanny? Some offer both nanny and help with housework. He can help pay for that too. Men can run the wash machine, cook dinner and wash dishes, bathe kids, and run the vacuum. Put your footdown, and stand up for yourself. The kids can have assigned chores and clothes can be picked out the night before, also changing bath time to afternoon time can help too. I say ok I'm cooking dinner you set the table and wash the dishes when we are done. Best of luck to you.

Firstly you need to have a talk with the DH and let him know how you are feeling. Explain all that needs to be done before and after work. Then sit down together and do a chore chart for the whole family. The children are old enough to be given some chores. Ask your DH to maybe get out breakfast for the kids before he heads to work. Or even pack their lunches while he is making his. He could even wake them up before he runs out the door. He could even get dinner started while you are still at work and help the kids with homeowork when you get home. I would suggest showering the kids right after dinner while either you or the DH is doing dishes. That way their hair is dry before bed. The kids could even help with putting away the laundry. Mine love to help sort the laundry into the differnt piles too. To them it is like a game to see who can get done the fastest. You'll be surpised at how much help the kids can be at that age. And at that age it is more like a game than a chore/job.

As for cooking, I would suggest that you over cook. Like when you fry hamburger for pasta or a helper meal to double the meat and freeze half. So that way all you have to do is defrost the meat and reheat and add to the meal later. Or get a roaster or crock pot and make one pot meals. It is a timer saver both with the cooking and cleanup. And the internet has a ton of great meal ideas for them. When you get veggies precut the carrots and stuff for the crock pot meals or for quicker snacks for the kids. You can store them in zipplock baggies.

My kids are 5,6 and 7 years old. They have to make their own bed(it may not be neat)and keep their rooms clean. All toys have to be put back in their room before 8 in the evening. Once a week they have to sweep their rooms. Then each is given a different area(bathroom, hall, stairs) to sweep as well.( They use a dust broom, much easier for them) They have to make sure to put laundry in the laundry room. Hubby has to make sure his laundry is there as well or it doesn't get washed. My kids also help dust, wash windows, and set/clear the table and dry dishes. And they are in charge of feeding/watering the cats( w/ a remin der each morning). The hubby and I take turns cooking. I am a SAHM, but I am not their maide. We are a family and we share the housework as a family. I feel that if I didn't make all the messes then why should I be the one to clean it all. To keep laundry from piling up, I will put a load in the washer first thing each morning and put into the dryer before getting kids out the door to school, or while I am making dinner. Then after dinner I dry the laundry. Then I fold all the laundry as it comes out of the dryer and put in in pile of the owner. Then before bed we put our piles away. And the kids then choose their outfits for the next day( I do the same.) To make it easier I hang pants with a shirt so if DH is helping that night the outfit is already matched. Makes it easier on the kids as well.

I hope you find a better balance that works for your family and it relieves you of some stress.