This falls more under the heading of commentary. I have the doubtful distinction of being one of the first Children in Western Pennsylvania to be diagnosed with a learning disability. The first thing that tipped my parents off was my abysmal handwriting. Once they learned it wouldn't get better, mom decided I should learn to type. She found a man who specialized in teaching typing to disabled girls. He would come to the house, like a piano teacher. She set up a room on the third floor where we wouldn't be disturbed, and I sat down at a brand new manual typewriter to learn f-r-f space d-e-d space etc. I wasn't supposed to look at the keys. Of course any typist does, now and then, to be sure you have your fingers where they should be. The alternative is a page of gibberish. But the teacher saw it otherwise. I'd glance at the keys and he'd clamp his hand on my jaw and keep my head turned to the side for the rest of the lesson. Which, conveniently left his arm resting on my breasts. They weren't what they are now. But they were This went on until Mom walked in on my last lesson. She didn't see it as improper. To her it was a lousy way to teach typing. As she told the party who had recommended the jerk. It didn't occur to me until I was out of college that that was my first run in with a groper. God knows it wasn't my last. I didn't complain to my parents about it, at the time. Kids of my generation didn't complain about what adults did to them. Mom had covered the basics about sex, but we hadn't done gropers yet.
yet. Mom didn't suspect anything, because he showed up in a nice white shirt and tie, like any teacher of the time. He didn't smell odd, or behave strangely. He just groped girls. Like the moms in State College who sent their sons into a football program run by pedophiles, my mother figured a creep would look like a creep. It doesn't work that way. That strange looking guy wearing a coat in June may have nothing more wrong with him than a metabolic disorder. That nice, clean cut young man, who helps out with your kids' soccer team may be attracted to ten year old girls. It would be nice if creeps came with labels. They don't. You have to be watchful. You have to teach your children that their bodies belong to them. Then you have to be a parent kids can talk to. I really wish it was easier than that. But I'm afraid it isn't. Best of luck.
Repost the title to NON-stranger danger. That's where the real %of problems are. They just usually aren't so fantastical that they get news coverage.
Hi! I am at two ends on this. A dear family friend whom I adored was a sexual offender. I loved him, my parents trusted me with him. He was wonderful, great with kids, fun, brilliant, people were shocked when they found out and many didn't believe. I was perfectly safe with him, he liked boys. When my kids were little I upset my DH whenever his brother came around. I kept telling him I didn't want him around the kids. He didn't understand until a few years ago when he got a letter from someone spelling out the things his brother had done to her daughter. His aunt died unbelieving.
I think people just like the idea of stranger danger rather than thinking it's Uncle Joe or Cousin Mel. We have to teach our kids it could be the Scout leader or swim coach, it's just hard to think about but I think more important. It's much easier to be afraid of the unknown than the familiar.
On the other hand...My 19 year old son is a swim coach and instructor. I hate, hate, hate the thought that people are thinking of him as a possible molester. He's no angel but he loves what he does and has a great rapport with his kids. Did you know they are supposed to teach them to swim without touching them? Have you ever heard anything so stupid? Last week he came home and told me they were getting shirts to wear in the pool so they were covered up. It seems like we have gone too far in expecting the worst in everyone.
See the dichotomy?
I just don't want my son to be judged because he likes working with kids.
Would you think differently of him if I told you he worked concerts every summer weekend?
What would you think if I told you he was a volunteer at a living history museum playing a farm boy from the 1830's?
Or if his hobby was blacksmithing?
That he is a world champ punkin chunker?
Each thing evokes a different kind of person, doesn't it? And yet, they are all him.
I'm actually not afraid of "strangers" and my kids. I'm afraid of the grandpa of the kids across the street, some of the male teachers, the "friends" of my kids dad, who he likes to "hang out with" while his kids are God knows where in their house with God knows who...So ya, I think it should be changed from "stranger danger" to "acquaintance danger". THAT is much more likely to happen. =/
In most cases when a child is sexually molested in any way the molester is someone the child knows.
Teaching stranger danger is a bad idea. Pre-schoolers often don't get that the bagger at the grocery store for example is really a stranger, the man he/she sees in the park feeding the birds everyday is a stranger ect. Children who are taught stranger danger are often placed in dangerous situations because they are afraid to speak up. If they get lost in a store they won't go up to an employee and ask for help because that person is a stranger.
Several years ago a child was lost while on a Boy Scout Camp Out. A search party was organized and these people searched for many days. The parents became concerned that their son had been kidnapped or killed. About a week maybe two after the search began the child finally stood up from behind a bush, he saw his uncle in the search party. He told the police that he had watched the searchers walk right by him and heard them calling his name but because they were strangers he wouldn't stand up. His parnets had drilled stranger danger into him to the point that he was afraid of anyone he did not know. And this child was 10-12 yrs old.
The best way to protect your child from predators is to teach them that only Mom or Dad and sometimes grandma and grandpa are allowed to touch them where their swimsuit touches them. If any one tries to touch them and it makes them feel bad they should yell NO as loud as they can. And they should tell Mom or Dad right away.
See, this isn't a question. Or about Stranger Danger. Strangers are generally fine. It's the people that you know that are the problem. This was not a stranger situation, this was someone you knew.
Absolutely you need to teach your kids that someone touching you inappropriately is wrong. My 5 year old knows that no one is allowed to touch her in a way that makes her uncomfortable or in an area her bathing suit covers. But I'm not going to teach her to be afraid of strangers. She knows to scream and throw a fit if someone she doesn't know tries to take her, but if we're in the store or church, or the park, she's allowed to talk to people we don't know yet.
i like your summation. i really object to the ubiquitous term 'stranger danger' because i think it gives the very erroneous impression that strangers are dangerous (they're usually not) and that most molestation or abduction danger is from strangers (it's usually someone well known to the family.) and i don't operate from a place of fear. you can be wise, have good judgment and not take stupid risks while believing that the world is a fundamentally good and wonderful place, and that most of the people in it are worthy of appreciation.
that being said, i agree with your last few statements. it WOULD be nice if creeps came with labels, we DO need to be watchful, we DO need to teach our children what appropriate boundaries are, and we absolutely positively need to make sure the lines of communication stay open with our kids.
none of that may be 'easy' but it is quite quite do-able.
khairete
S.
As J. said, it's a commentary. Good one too. Excellent one, really. Thanks for sharing what happened to you to help prevent it from happening to others.
J.,
So sorry for your experience, but thank you for sharing.
You bring up such an important fact...it isn't just "strangers" we need to warn and teach our children about, it's anyone, male or female, relative, neighbor, acquaintance or stranger that does something or tries to get them to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable.
I wish it was easier to protect our children, too, but as you say, it isn't.
God bless.
Yes, but where is the question?
