Stillborn - Miscarraige - 7 Year Old at Home

S.:
My heart goes out to you. We lost our first baby in miscarriage 25 years ago. We were married 5 years when we miscarried. It was devastating! We tried so long and in a blink of an eye it was over. Two years later we had Jennifer who is now 22 and precious, then three years later had Brittany, now 19 who is so wonderfully special and precious. The Lord has blessed you and us. Although I can picture it as if it were yesterday, I will never forget how close losing the first one brought me and my husband together. It has made me appreciate the two I have now even more. God sees the big picture and he is protecting all three of you. You are so lucky to have a man that grieves with you. This type of thing can break a marriage. You are so blessed. Yes we have lost a precious baby and although we cannot hold him in our arms, we will always, always hold him in our hearts!

I know God will bring you and your family a peace that surpasses all understanding. Your precious little one is in heaven and watching over you. Isn't it wonderful to know that you have a guardian angel? You do - and how lucky is that. God is great!

If you have a picture of when you were pregnant and a sonogram or maybe a picture of you holding your son after birth (if you can handle it), bring him home. Make a copy for your daughter and tell her how lucky she is to have her very own special angel to look up to. Embrace your blessings. Love your husband and tell him Thank You for being there for you through this difficult time and how lucky you are to have both of them.

Maybe God allowed me to go through this, to be able to touch another life. I hope you can see that you have been blessed to be a blessing too. I would love to hear from you.

It takes time, but God is awesome!

C. Bowen
###-###-####
1301 Wedgewood Ave.
Odessa, Texas 79761

Hi S.,
My name is C.. This is the first posting that I have responded to. My cousin sent me the invite to this site, and I have no children. I couldn't figure why she did. I read the posts daily as they come to my inbox, and everyday, my scar is reopened in my heart. I am 30 years old, and have 3 awful tries at having children. My fiance and I have been together for 6 years now, and want children. I want a child with all that is me. My first pregnancy was in 2002. I was 1 day from my 2nd trimester when my tube ruptured and I was taken into emergency surgery. In the E.R. all I wanted to do was die. I wanted to be with my little Angel. But my fiance stood by my bedside and cried and begged for me to consent to the surgery. The tears on his face told me everything my soul needed to hear. The 2nd pregnancy was in january 2006. Another Tubal pregnancy. This time I knew not to get happy, and consulted my doctor about my previous pregnancy. He immediatly took me in for ultrasounds. And again, the pregnancy could not survive. To save me my other tube he offered me abortion. I was devastated. I want a child so badly, and my only option to try again is abortion. Again, I wanted to just die. And again, there was my fiance. So, the doc gave me a oral medication that would disolve the fetuses, yes this time there were 2. I was only 5 weeks in, but already in severe pain. So I took the medication. The medication was enough to make we want to die in itself. It dropped my immune levels to that of someone with aids. I got very ill, for about 2 months. Of course I recuperated. I was called a baby killer and many other dirty names. It was so very difficult for me. The worst of it I got from Family members who thought I was a sinner for choosing abortion. And I regret my choice at times, but what other choice was there except to leave my fiance behind to deal with an even greater loss if I chose to carry. So, in january of this year, I tested positive again for being pregnant. Oh how everyone was happy. Surely it couldnt happen again, another tubal. I of course was scared out of my wits. I had two previous pregnancies that were horrible. The next day I went right in for my official tests so I could get into a doctor. And all of their tests were coming negative. I needed a blood test, so I got one. Sure enough, it was positive. So I got into a specialist because of my history. Ultra sounds came right away. I had to go for 3 in one week. They found a gestational sac in my uterus, but no baby or heartbeat, So the dr thought that I was earlier on than we initally thought. So he sent me for another ultra sound. on the 3rd one, they found the baby, once again in my tube. Immediatley He started talking about abortion. I cried, I threw a fit. I was devasted. And I prayed so hard that I wouldnt have to endure another abortion. Well, 3 days before my next doctors appointment, I started bleeding, and out came the gestational sac. I was miscarrying. The miscarriage wasnt any better, but at least I didnt have to abort this one. That gave me a little solace.
I know that I am not giving any advice. And I can't say anything that will make it any better. There really is nothing that can be said to make it better. I know. I have heard all the attempts of people trying to make you feel better and all of them make you feel worse. My favorite is "the baby (or God)knows that there is something wrong and chooses for the baby to die before it is born" That one always made me want to hurl something at the person saying it. For me, it wasnt the baby that had something wrong, it was ME! somehow the embryos are not getting past my tube. so here I am, I will be 31 this month. All of my friends are mothers, and I see people that don't deserve kids getting pregnant. And all I wish for is one. My pain is great. But, I get up everyday and put it out of my mind. It is so very hard to do. But in time, it will get better. And let yourself grieve. Love your little girl and let her grieve. Love your husbabnd even more.I know it is hard on all involved. But time will heal. In the meantime, you can get in touch with grief couselors, I know this is a still born birth, but you are still grieving a loss. Their are plenty grief counselors that will help, and most of them are free of charge, and will see you or talk over the phone. I am truly sorry for your loss. I can sympathize. And I hope that healing comes swift. Take care of yourself, and thank you for your post, being able to tell someone else about me, it has helped.

My heart grieves with you. There is no way i can understand how you feel - but you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

i do want to pass on something in case you are not aware. Do talk with your doctor to find out what "procedure" he used to tie your tubes. Sometimes a cauterization is used that burns the tube endings - and it is pretty permanent. Another method is they pull up the tubes into a loop and slide a clamp over it. This method is reversible - i have a friend whose son had died and she had her tubal ligation reversed and had two more sons at age 43. So - if yours was the second method - should you desire to do so at a later date - you may be able to reverse it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a baby. I lost three pregnancies, and though all were very early on, it was the worst time of my life.

I found a wonderful devotional at our church that really helped. It is called, "Mourning the Child I Never Knew." It gave me an outlet to grieve my babies.

I also found other ways to remember my children. The Church of Holy Innocents in New York (http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp) has a Book of Life you can have your child's name recorded in and they will send you a certificate of Life to honor your child. Also, my church honored one of my children on All Saint's Day by reading out her name and putting her name on a banner that hangs in the santuary in November of every year. Finally, I put together a charm bracelet with a charm for each of my kids. It has an angel charm for each of my Angel Babies waiting for me in Heaven.

For me, it helped having a reminder of my children's lives, no matter how short a time period that was. There are lots of different ways you can honor and remember your child. And, at the same time, help you and your family with the weight of your loss.

I hope this helps and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

C. F.

Hello S.,

I do not have children yet. Me and DH have been trying of almost two years. There is no way I can understand the feelings you have right now, but there is something I would like to share with you.
As I was growing up I was a very sensitive, charismatic child. I had a very hard time deal with the awful thing that happened in the world. I remember being about 4 years old and crying at night because of what I heard on the news. Long story short. When God would take babies and children back to heaven it really made me sad.
So, I came up with "My Reason", here it is.
Every time a baby is to come into the world God looks around and finds the perfect parents. Then He chooses the perfect baby. Every so often be bestows upon a baby the very special gift (geniuses, inventors, ect). As the baby develops and grows God continues to watch the world. Sometime he has to decide that the World is Not Ready for such a perfect gift, and He brings them home again. They are to stay with the angels until the world is ready.
So your family was the perfect family, but the world was not ready. You now have your own guardian angel looking straight down from heaven.
I hope at least this is another way you can explain what has happened to your beautiful princess.
I will be praying that God is with you and gives you and your family the strength to work through this tragedy.

Hi,

I am so sorry for your loss! I'm walking that same ugly road. My precious baby boy passed away on Sept. 2, 2007. I was 23 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. My baby was born on March 13, 2007 and weighed 1 lb. 7oz. He miraculously survived for 5 1/2 months before he mysteriously passed away. It's a loooong story. I also have a 6 year old and it hurts me so much to see him hurt. He's always asking about his baby brother. That's good that you are talking to your daughter and allowing her to talk about it and grieve too. Anyways, I understand what you and your family are going through. There are so many wonderful websites and support groups. I recently started attending a support group called MEND (Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death). Daddies are welcomed too. Their meetings are held in Spring too. Check it out at www.mend.org There's also www.shareyourstory.org A great place where I just joined. You can start your own blog, ask questions, share a short story, make friends that understand because they have or are going down the ugly road, and so much more. There's also a book I am currently reading called "Good Grief" by Deborah Morris Coryell. You can go to www.goodgrief.org If you want someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to email me at ____@____.com

Once again, I'm sorry!

I want to mention March of Dimes, March for Babies. I am walking for the first time this year in honor of my 2 preemies and in remembrance of one of them. You can check out my website if you like at www.marchforbabies.org/mom2littleangel.

Take Care!

My heart goes out to you. I too have been in your shoes. I went into labor at 6 1/2 months, and they were unable to stop it. My son lived one day. My doctor would not allow me to him, so I only got to see him at the funeral home. I too wish now I would have had the chance to hold him while he was alive. If that wasn't hard enough, to tear down a nursery was almost more than I could take. A year later I miscarried at 3 1/2 months. Two years later I gave birth to my daughter. When my daughter was 9 yrs old, I found out I was pregant again. The baby died while I was in my 6 month. No explanation. My doctor would not tie my tubes, although I wanted it. i did not want to ever have to go through this again. I ended up having to have a hysterectomy a year later due to cervical cancer. I went into depression. It finally hit me that I could no longer have children. I always wanted lots of kids. I didn't have any medication back then, but a mother who seen what I was going into. I would not leave the house-I would probably be there today if she and a friend hadn't literally dragged me out everyday for a week and then made sure I was getting out to the store and such on my own. Then one day it hit me.. after realizing that a friend of mine had just had her 8th miscarriage, she along with 3 other people I knew who had wanted children but were never able to have any. My cousin who died with cancer and left 6 little ones, oldest was 12. My cousin who had lost her first child also, and unable to have anymore. Another cousin who lost one due to the cord around the babies neck, and a week later her husband was killed in a car wreck. I better count my blessings! I had a beautiful daughter, and a husband, and family. I had more than others had. I think children have a hard time with death and loss at your daughters age no matter what the situation. (My daughter said she had a brother, but he was in heaven now watching over her.) Death is part of life. We are all born, and we will all die. Whether it is early, or we live to be hundred. I now have a grand daughter. Believe me when I say you have a lot to look forward to. I enjoy my grand daughter more than I ever thought possible! I get to love and spoil her just like my daughter, but I don't have the early morning feedings and all the other stuff that comes with it on a daily basis. But I am the first one my daughter calls for advice. (She thinks I have the manual on mothering!) Don't be depressed for what you don't have. Be thankful for everything you do have! I do believe there is a reason for everything, and there is a reason it didn't work out. God never gives us more than we can handle, and be thankful that he works that way. Blessings to you and your family, and I will keep you in my prayers. Be strong and be thankful.

You are right,it will pass.I know the feelings you are having.I was told I would never have babies.then I had a baby boy,he was perfect.Then when he was one I got pregnant again,this was wonderful.but like you I was bleeding the whole 6 months.I lost my baby,I was so depressed,I almost forgot what I was already blessed with, I already had a baby the doctors said I would never have.
You have a wonderful family,you can pull together and help each other.I know your family will get through this saddness.and be closer for it.

S.,
I know a little of what you are going through. I had a miscarraige right after I got married. It was the hardest thing I ever went through, but it was a blessing. I went to the doctor after and found out about a lot of problems that I had that I did not know about until then. If it wouldn't have been for my miscarraige I would of never have been able to have children. My ten year old knows about the miscarraige and would always ask me questions about her big sister or brother that she should of had. The only answer that I have been able to give her to help her is that we are very lucky because her big sister (I am sure that she was a girl) is in heaven and now we have our own angle keeping an eye on us. I don't know of anything to help to your husband, but this might help you and your daughter.

My prayers are with you.

L.

Hi, I wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. My precious angel was 27 days old when we lost him. He was "untreatable" and the best advice I got was not to ask "why" because there isn't an answer. You can look forever and there just isn't an answer. My other son was 5 when we had our tragedy and it was very hard to explain to him, but I always tried to be totally honest with him and to believe that his little brother became an angel and was watching over him. I too had my tubes tied during the c-section and that is another ending we women have to face. Ask your husband how he feels once in awhile. If this tragedy hasn't torn you apart you can still lean on each other. One will be strong on some days and the other stronger on other days. You both are suffering from a broken heart and one that will, in time, heal but will never fully mend itself. There will always be a crack in your heart that can't be filled. Taking one day at a time is probably the only way to live your life right now and as cliche as it might sound, time will heal these wounds. And it's Ok S. to feel sorry for yourself once in awhile, you lost something that you wanted very much. Each day you will find a glimmer of happiness again and being with your Princess is a good way to start. Get very involved with her life, have your husband do this as well and I think it will help the darkness go away. It's been 14 years since I lost my angel and I think about him every day and still have many sad moments. My 5 year old just turned 20 and he is excelling in his life beyond belief and I attribute a lot of that to his guardian angel. There is a grief support group called Compassionate Friends. It is a National organization and there used to be a local chapter here in Spring. It is for parents who have lost children. There are also many grief support groups in churches around the area. It helps to talk about it and it helps to sit in the bathtub and cry once and awhile. The sun will shine again for you and your husband, I know it will, because it did for me.

o girl your situtation just touched my heart to the core!!! there is nothing i can say or do to make it any better, but i am praying for you right now. right now the Lord is sending one of his angels to comfort your family. He will hold you til the hurting stops. Trust in God that although we don't understand why he took your little man so soon, there is a reason and one day you will see him again! You just have to hold on to that. I will keep you and your family in my prayers!!!

D.

You and your family are in my prayers!!! May you find peace!

J.

There are support groups for this. I'm somewhat new to the San Antonio area so don't know of a specific one, but you could call your OB doctor's office and ask the nurse-they should know about these resources available to patients. The Eucumenical Center offers free support groups for children who have lost a sibling. So sorry for your loss.

My prayers are with you and your family. What you are going through does affect each of you in so many different ways as I have been through much the same with another friend. It is a very difficult time for all. What she found was to put herself and her husband in a place (for them it was a different place for each of them) where they could help others. She helped at her church, and he at a retirement home in their area. All he did was talk to the men and women there and hold conversations on anything and everything. Soon, they both ended up realizing that what they had been through was for a reason, and both ended up helping people who needed what they had to offer. Their depression lifted because they were helping others, not because they forgot, or didn't grieve, as they surely did, but with each step they took toward someone else, a step they took toward each other also and being the family they knew they needed and wanted to be. God bless you and your family in your time of need and I pray that He will guide you to the place where you can be fulfilled while filling others.

Hi S.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I won't try to make you feel better with my words...it really doesn't help and I do know that. I just want you to know that I am truly sorry. There are some bulletins your husband can get into on www.babycenter.com check it out and tell him to search under "grieving dads" and he can get some feed back and hopefully start some wonderful relationships to help him deal with this. As for your Princess, have her make something for him and mail it to heaven (letter, poem, picture)so that she has closure...that's super important. You can also get her the book called, Sad isn't bad by Michaelene Mundy. I hope this helps a little...Take care, K.

I know nothing can take the pain away, but i just want you to know you and your family are and will be in my prayers.

Trust in god:)
L.

Hi S., my heart goes out to you. I went through a miscarriage last June too, fortunatley I was not as far along as you were. I can't imagine your grief, but it sounds like you have a very good support system and a husband who loves you very much. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that you find your peace and are able to smile again, a real smile :)

All I can say is that I am so sorry for your loss. You can look at it a million different ways, as I am sure you have, but none of them will make you feel better immediately. It hasn't even been 2 months, so your family's feelings are totally normal. Over time, I think you will start to look at it in a different way and maybe become content with the fact that you lost him before he got to come home with you, and not after you brought him home (I am sorry if that sounds bad, I hope you get what I am trying to say). I am not sure where you stand religiously, but as hard as things get for us, I believe that God knows what He is doing and knows what is best-maybe that can bring you some peace?
Have you and your husband talked with each other about it? Some couples find it hard to approach one another in a situation like this. Maybe just search the web for support groups online, or even in your community through the Dept of Health.

S.,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss......I strongly recommend doing a web search for Bonnie Babes foundation. They are an organisation for loss in preganancy or from SIDS, with well trained counsellours and volunteers to talk to. They are an Australian group but may have some links here. There are always the samaritans to talk to, and the school may be able to help with a grief counsellour for your daughter, you are so right that she needs to grieve too. My thoughts are with you.

I too lost my first child. It rocked my world and is a scar I still carry to some degree. But I have also found some peace and purpose to the whole thing. The experience really brought me closer to my personal spiritual practice. Each of us (and that includes husbands and siblings) is affected and comes to terms with such a lose in our own unique way. Each of those ways is appropriate and has purpose. So, the best advice I can give you is to give you the name of a couple of books that helped me, "Miscarriage: Women Sharing from the Heart by Marie Allen and Shelly Marks; "The Little Prince" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery; & "The Zen Path through Depression" by Philip Martin.

With great compassion, I wish you and your family much happiness again soon.

My heart goes out to you and your family. The only advice I have is to look into Hospice. The hospice were I live has an amazing bereavement program, and it's free. You don't have to be an x client of Hospice to call on them either. Our family has been through loosing so many people and my daughter is the same age as yours. The tools Hospice gives really helped us to work through and understand so much of what she has been feeling. The pain, the separation anxiety, the fears of loosing someone else. Also, Hopices in different places having a 7 week program called building bridges for kiddoes from the age of 6 to 18. It's an hour once a week and they take the kids and do an activity and the adults have their own group. Some people have said it didn't do them much good, but I've heard several people say and I truely believe it's a wonderful program. You are in my prayers.
Take care.. Becca

hi S., i am so sorry for your loss. i am dealing with my daughters from a week ago and i know how devasted your family is. i too had a miscarriage but at almost 4 months and i just started bleeding from on minute to the other at work. i was taken to the hospital and was told after a sonogram that i was losing my baby. it happened naturally during that night and believe me, its best not to see your baby when your body aborts him. i can still see the large mass tha was my baby and part of my placenta and its been almost 29 years ago. it was very devistating and i would not wish that on anyone. i was only 21 and had a 1yr old at home. no explanation to why except not a viable pregnancy. my hubby was very supportive and luckily the following year i had a healthy girl, then a heathy boy. it is wierd how history repeats itself, my own daughter now in her late 20's had her children and then had a miscarriage at 3 mo and now a year later she just had a stillborn at 10 weeks. she is suffering from postpartum depression but her hubby is a throw back from the dark ages thinking its over so whats the big deal. i feel its because he grew up without a father. i am the same age as your spouse and also on disablity. i cried so much for my daughters loss and for our little angel who went to heaven so early.i think with all the time on our hands being disabled it hits us hard since we arent kept busy with the daily distractions of work. all you can do is explain to your daughter that the baby is with in heaven with God now. it really makes it easier to deal with the sadness to know that their little brother was special and God needed him in heaven. just enjoy ever day with your princess and it might not hurt your hubby to get on antidepressants too.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your little boy. Our thoughts and prayers go with you and your whole family as you continue the journey to healing. Take care of yourself.
C.

S.,
First of all, please let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss and I will keep you in my prayers. I know that sometimes people just say that because it sounds nice, but I really mean it. I am praying for you right now. My hope is that just knowing your name is being lifted up before the Father will bring comfort like nothing else. Our situations are very different, but several years ago, I suffered an ectopic pregnancy that went undiagnosed for way too long and I almost died. Ectopic pregnancies never result in a baby, so I lost the baby, as well. I was about 4 months along and although I did not have to go through your standard delivery, the emotional toll of all of this was devastating and almost debilitating. It was the same for my husband, as well. It took me almost two years to feel like "myself" again. I still grieve and the "experience" of all of that is something I will carry with me forever. Immediately after all of that happened, I started going to see a therapist basically because I was just desperate to feel "normal" again. There is this stigma out there that something is "wrong" with therapy and we ought to be able to me strong and just deal with things ourselves, pick ourselves back up, and "get over it". My motto is: a little therapy never hurt anyone! :) In my humble opinion, I wouldn't be the person I am today had I not gone to see someone. My therapist helped me through every minute of the grief, anger, bitterness, and fear that I was experiencing and today I feel like a stronger person than I was before. When God puts people in my path that have gone through similar experiences, I try to the best of my ability to help support them and let them know what things my husband and I did to cope and get THROUGH it (not over it, but THROUGH it). I don't know if any of this is helpful to you, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Dear S.,
What courage to write about your loss. My deepest sympathy for you and your family. It is good for healing to talk about your feelings with others and through journaling. I want to encourage you to go to www.griefshare.org. It's a resource for those experiencing grief. They also offer support meetings all over the US and you will find locations near you. You said you push yourself so you don't have to think. AVOIDANCE is a stage of grief. Take good care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve or it will take it's toll on your physical and emotional body.

I don't know what it is like to be in your situation. I pray someone who has shared your pain will come alongside you to see you through this heart wrenching loss.

I hope it brings you some peace to know others you don't know care.

In His grace,
B.

S.,

I am so sorry that you and your family have had to endure this loss. I have been involved with a Non-profit organization called, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep and through this affiliation I have learned about several local Houston organizations that help mothers and families experiencing the loss of a baby. They provide support, online forums and support group meetings. Meeting and speaking with other moms that have experienced what you are may be helpful:

Mothers Experiencing Neonatal Death (MEND) Houston-www.mend.org

Helping After Neonatal Death (HAND)- www.handonline.org

MISS Foundation- http://www.missfoundation.org/ (national organization)

My heart and prayers are with you and your family. I hope this information is helpful. God Bless.

Losing an infant must be totally, unbelievably devastating. There are people who can help. Even if you are not a religious person you should contact an area church. There are many very good people out there and several who have suffered a loss like yours. No death is easy to deal with. The mental anquish is tortuous. Most churches offer different types of help. Some will have support groups. Please don't let your family fall victim to falling apart. There is help.
GW-Houston

I know no words can heal your pain I just want you and your family to know that you are in my prayers.

Dearest S. J' My haeart goes out to you and your family. I have never had to deal with this situation,but am sure it seems impossible to get through it.. I willkeep you and your fmily in my prayers. Take care of each other and the Lord will help you through this. J.

I know there are no words that can stop the pain that you both are feeling. Another child can't replace that special one you lost. I worked for an OB/GYN for a number of years and know the heartache you are experiencing. When we lost a baby it was as if we lost a member of our family. I worked for such a caring and loving doctor and our staff was the greatest. The only thing I can recommend is keep busy, get in contact with a great church - you will be amazed at the warmth and love that will come over you in that atsmophere. I know you can have your tubes repaired in most instances if you choose to get pregnant again. But know that love and prayers are coming your way for healing and if here is any way I can help, let me know.

Hi Stefi,
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I also had a miscarriage after my first son, but concieved twins after that. I have to tell you that my faith was in GOD. I never stopped praising him and giving him glory during the time and after the horrible ordeal. The reason I know it was GOD who got me through that ordeal, is because I would have been so devasted but remember feeling this peace that surpasses all understanding. I do not know you or your family but can certainly understand what you are going through. The only thing I can say is that I will pray for you and your family and that GOD will give you, your husband, and daughter peace during this time.

Sincerly,
H.

A little about me:
I am 35 years old, My husband and I have a 5 1/2 year old boy, and 3 year old boy/girl twins. I work full time as a Nurse Recruiter. My husband and I have been married for almost 9 years!

S.... I just wanted to say, "I am so sorry"... that you have to go through this.... I am truly sorry.. and my prayers are with you... I am so glad you have your Princess, at home, and your husband... I know you will somehow find the strength to get through this... I wish I knew the perfect thing to say.... but I wanted you to know, many of us love and support you, and we will be praying for you.... God bless you!!!! Love--- J. and Jacob.

I am so sorry to hear of your devastating loss. I cannot even begin to imagine. Just remember God will bring you through it. I am a member at Community Bible Church and if you are interested they have a wonderful counseling department and several groups of people who have been through similar events. Just let me know if you would like for information.

I will continue to pray for you and your family. I will ask my church family to pray for you too. I believe in my heart that time heals all wounds. You'll get better because your daughter and husband needs you. Women are the strength that holds families together and you can not loose another family member.

Christine

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, have a little boy up in heaven. In September 2002, I was 32 1/2 weeks pregnant. There is an organization called MEND which really helped me through the rough times. They provide support for mothers and fathers. I believe their website is www.mend.org and they have a dedicated Dad's group. I hope this provides comfort and help.

I'm a mother of 2 live born children and now too many to count angels. I can understand your pain, and no, nothing I can say will make you feel better. Just be aware that it is ok to grieve when others are telling you to move on. Your healing will occur in the time that is right for you and not by anyone else's schedule. The best advice for support groups is to ask your ob/gyn for a list or the local hospital's maternity ward nurses. Your daughter is 7 so she is old enough to begin grasping concepts of life and death. Be as honest as you feel she can handle. You know her best. It is better to give an honest answer or an I don't know rather than make up something that will have to be explained away later. (Your medical history is hers too so she deserves the truth) Your husband (mine is 14 years older than me) might have the hardest time of all in the family. If he is the type to always make things right, he will be feeling pretty useless at the moment and might even blame himself for being able to stop this from happening. We both know that he couldn't do anything but he still might feel guitly because "he's the man" If he can find a father's support group it might help, but only if he is the type to open up to a group. Individual councelling might be better. Once again, you know him best. Above all, don't feel guilty for taking care of your needs before the needs of others. You have been through probably the hardest experience a woman can know. You have to allow yourself to be put first at least for a while so you can fully be there for others when you are ready. I don't know if any of this information is helpful or not; I'm just going by what has helped me.

I just lift you up to The Lord and ask Him to heal your broken hearts, to comfort and strengthen you. He knows your needs and He sees your tears and He has your sweet Marc Aaron in His arms. You will one day see him again. He is happy in Heaven and I know that he wouldn't want you to be so sad. I have 2 grown sons of my own and God knows it would rip my heart apart if anything were to happen to them, but God is in control and all things happen for a reason. Remember that God loves you and He is always right there for you just a whisper away. Please allow yourself to grieve, but also allow God to comfort you. We don't know why these things happen, only God knows that, only He can see what is in store down the road tomorrow or next year. My heart goes out to you and I am praying for you and your family. God bless you and keep you. Yours, in Christ, L.

Dearest S.,
Please accept my deepest condolences on the loss of your baby...you are right when you say there is nothing that can be said to ease the grief, but know that your precious angel is being cradled in the arms of our Father, and he is surrounded by literally millions of mommies and grandmas and aunts up there who love children and will watch over him until you can be with him again.

I don't know of any websites that help husbands'/fathers'
with grief, but a good friend of mine has a website called
www.livingbeyonddisease.com you could try. Her name is Michele O'Donnell and she is the founder of the very first alternative/holistic treatment center here in the US. She also is an ordained minister, but she really deals with spirituality. On her website there is something called "Ask Michele" and she personally responds to all the questions. She is the author of three books and has many teaching tapes etc. My husband and I produced her DVD teaching programs. She has some tapes on Grief that might be helpful, and if you would like to talk to her she will make time to meet with you. She is the most loving, kind hearted person I have ever met, and she also has a clear understanding of the nature of God.

Again, you and your family are in my prayers.

God Bless,
J. R.

I am not sure if it still has a lot of dads or not, but on Fertilethoughts.com is a forum for this situation. I just want you to know that your family is in my thoughts and prayers. I know that there isn't much else I can say just know that ya'll can lean on god and he will help in this situation.

There is a very helpful book called Unspeakable Losses by Kim Kluger-Bell. It is filled with heartfelt stories from mothers and fathers that are dealing with loss after miscarriages, abortions and other pregnancy losses.

Your son is a very real part of you and will be forever. Perhaps as time moves on you can look into adoption. There are so many little ones that are longing for a family just like yours. Hold tight to each other as a couple and family. This experience will give you opportunities for growth in ways you never knew you needed. I know that healing from this loss seems so intangible right now. Just trust that it will come as sure as the sunshine. I have ofter found that new dreams grow in the ashes of the old. Just keep taking those little steps each day holding tight to eachother.

My heart completely goes out to you! I cannot say that I can begin to fathom what you are feeling. I will pray for you, your family and your little baby!

Im so sorry to hear about your loss. You are right though. You will make it through this. God has a purpose for this and for you and your family. We just dont always have all the answers and have to trust Him. I would definately be praying Gods will though in all this. Also there is always adoption? There are so many homeless children out there just waiting to be loved and you sure sound like you and your family have enough of that. take care, kim.

I am very sorry for your lost. I know it's very hard to understand your self and then have to explain it to your daughter.
I received a book called "Mommy please don't cry by Linda DeYmaz

This book help me and my daughter when it happen to me. I was not as far along as you were but it still hurts. This book is not very long and the author wrote it because she to lost your child. Hope you this helps you. you are in my thoughts. God Bless you.

Dear S.,
Unfortunately I don't have any advice except to say lean on the love of God. My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain and confusion you and your family are going through. I don't understand why these things happen, but I only hope you can find peace someday. I don't know if you're a believer, but being as you feel so sad and overwhelmed...give it to God. Let Him wrap you in His loving arms. Let Him give you peace that only He can give.

You and your family are in my prayers.

There is nothing I can say that will take your hurt away but I did want to respond and let you know that my heart and prayers are with you. You have a wonderful husband and daughter and all will be fine again. You will never get over losing your son ( I had the same thing happen to me and that was over 30 years ago ) but I always knew God took him for a reason.
Talk to your Dr. about a support group - he or she will help you or give you someone to contact.
Just wanting you to know that I am thinking about you and know God will give you and your family the strength you need.

I don't have much to say to make you feel better, but wanted to let you know you will be in my prayers. My heart goes out to you and your family for your loss.

What a blessing your daughter is! Grieving is a process-it takes time-everyone's is different. Encourage open expression of feelings and acknowledge that ANY feeling is normal (anger, sadness, gratitude). Hang in there-talk to each other-you'll pull through.

Dear S.,

I would encourage you to contact Bo's Place here in Houston. They have free grief counseling and support groups. I'm sure they can help you in your time of inexpressible sadness. This tragedy does not have to control your emotions and thoughts for the rest of your life. I will keep you and my family in my prayers. God wants to heal your broken heart and set your free from the pain and grief of your loss.
Sinceely, M.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice for but after reading your "story" I felt like i had to respond if not just to give my condolences but because i saw your husband is a retired police officer. But you are right in that nothing anybody can say makes it better. Your friends mean well but until they've actually walked in your shoes they really have no idea how much pain you're in. I lost my husband (a police officer) over 16 years ago. He drowned in a flood while on duty. I had 4 small children at the time and was pretty lost for a while but my kids kept me going. And i'm like you i tend to just take what comes and deal with it the best i can and that's what i did. i think i was more concerned about everybody else instead of myself back then. Taking it one day at a time is about all you can do for yourself(except the medication :) ) and it never really "goes away", sometimes that's a good thing, but the pain lessens and you just learn to move on and life is just different. i wish you all the best life has to offer you and your family. God Bless...

S.,

Wow, my sympathies are with you. I had a miscarriage in 2002, and later on that year got pregnant. My middle child was born in 2003. He was deathly ill and spent the first month of his life in the Newborn ICU (NICU). Thanks to a miracle of God my child is healthy. My faith is what got me through that trying time. Our family, friends, and co-workers generously gave of their love and prayers.

Because of what happened with my son I subsequently met others who had run the gamut of children born ill or with birth defects, and those whose children are now among the angels. I would suggest that you and your husband and daughter look to your faith community for the love, support, and prayer that you need. Also, the hospital can refer you to organizations or therapists that can help you deal with your grief and come to terms with all that has happened. Please don't isolate yourself or family. Looking for and finding others that have shared your experience will help you and your family in ways that those who haven't shared you experience can't.

God bless you and good luck.

Warm Regards,

P. G

I have been through a miscarriage myself and it took my husband and I 10 years later to conceive with my son (through invitro) It helped me to talk about the loss of my first but my husband kept to himself. Methodist hospital has a support group "beyond pink and blue" that might help. God Bless you and your family and give you all the strenth you need to come through this.

S.,

God has and will continue to bless you. Take comfort in the fact that Marc Aaron is waiting for you and that you can all be together as a family forever.

Hello S.;
I cannot express in words how sorry I am for you and your family. I have not lost a child like this and can't even begin to imagine anything that I could say could help. I know in time it will get easier but I don't know if you will ever get over it. However, I found this online and I hope it will help.
http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_detail.php...
Good luck and God Bless You all.
L.

i dont know how to help your husband though this time. and im sorry for that. but i had a stillborn little born in 2003 and now i have a little girl that was born in feb of this year. what happened to me is different that what happen to you and i dont know if i could help you in any way but if you would like to talk some time im more then willing to listen and see if any thing i have gone though could help you i had no one to talk to about what happen to my son i had to learn to deal with it on my own my mother was there for me but no one else im still not over what happened as no one ever is but it does get easier with time i know that doesnt help saying that to you as people told me the same thing and i always said no it wont but it does help please let me know if there is any thing i can do to try and help you thanks and have a wonderful day C.

You are right there really is nothing others could say because it is a very touchy situation. Many of us have had miscarraiges and more than just one. Many of us would not have had our tubes tied because of it. It sounds like you reacted swiftly before you had a chance to think about the long term effects it would have on your family. I am quite surprised they would even let you make a decision like that in your fragile frame of mind at the time. I'm not sure about your reasoning "out of fear and concern for your husband" as he is almost 50 and I am sure he has seen it all after retiring from the police department. It really sounds to me as if you are saying "out of your fear" you made a decision. I don't know if you have ever looked into adoption of older children, I birthed 5 children and adopted 3 who are the same ages as my 3 middle ones. I was an only child and grew up with my moms best friend being a foster care mom. My friends were in foster care and she babysat me while my mom worked. These kids were not "babies" and unwanted mostly because everyone wants a baby. But these are the forgotten babies and if you have love and want to move forward, seek out finding your daughter and husband a worthy goal, give someone a new life in a home who seems to be very loving and giving. You won't believe the healing and the feeling of doing something that matters will make. Good luck!

Dear S.--My heart breaks for you. I have not gone through what you have experienced, although I did have a premature infant who was diagnosed with severe mental retardation and autism. Of course, we had a grieving process to go through, too, but we had him in our lives; and what a blessing he has been. My suggestion is that you ask at some of your local churches if they have grief counselors available. Many of the churches do, and you need some serious spiritual guidance right now. You are sure to have many questions as to why this happened to you, and you definitely need the comfort that can be found only in God. I hope this suggestion doesn't offend you. We couldn't have survived without the peace that comes from knowing that God is in control even in the bad times.

Hi S.. I pray you are in the best of spirits when you recieve this messege. S., you are right there isn't much anyone can say in this situation. But I'm going to try and encourage you right now. I truly understand the age difference my huband and I are eight years apart. I am 36 years old too and my husband is 44 years old. Which isn't as much as you and your husband, but I do understand. I don't know any where your husband can go for support, but what I will say is try prayer it works and I'm going to pray for you as well. Your husband seems like he was already probably dealy with a like already by being at home right now, the baby would have brought piece to him while he was home, being able to help watch the baby. Sometimes for men hard hard being home and not doing what they are usually active in. But I believe when you first forgive yourself especially if you are blaming yourself. Because I'm sure there was nothing you could have done differently to change the situation. There are and will be times you go through things you will not understand why it happen to you, but God always are very good reasons when he reveils them to us if he does reveil them you may never understand. But God saw a bigger picture that you couldn't see. Example: The baby could have not fully developed, could have had a disability, or some other malfunctions that you and your husband may not have been prepared for. And I know you and your usband would have love him or her reguardless of the situation but God knows what situations we can handle in our lives. God's word says he would never give us more than we can bare. Far as you having your tubes tied, I believe it was just fear, because of what happen, that something esle could happen if you tried again.
S., I had my tubes ties also after my second daughter and I regret doing it everyday, because I want another baby now, and all I can do is trust God for a mircule to have one, because I can't afford to have it undone. But I don't give up hope and belief that I will get pregnant one day. God doesn't care about our age, because he will give us strength to do anything. Just remember real desires never die, if you keep thinking about having and wanting a baby that is your Gpd given desire as a woman. Go for it and let God do the rest and remeber your husband will be okay. Pray, pray, pray!!! Also, just encourage your daughter that everything will be okay, I believe when they see you encouraged they will be fine and it will help them to see your strength to continue your journey.

Call or better still, go see these people:

http://www.forlovechristi.org/index.html

They help everyone with all stages of grief, and are really supportive. They also have an amazing kids program for helping kids cope with their grief.

I am so very sorry for your loss. No words I say will help, but know you are not alone. And please, for the sake of your family's sanity, seek help in coping for all of you.

Hi S., I know nothing can console you right now and nothing will until after the due date. When I was thirty six I lost my third child and was told I could have no more. I was nearly 15 weeks and god saw to it that it was not meant to be. I nearly gave up on life as I could not believe I would never have children. Two years later I left my husband and went home to my parents.
I met another man although I had no intentions of getting married I was going to look after my parents and mentally handicapped brother and nothing else.
God had other plans, I fell pregnant and have a beautiful girl of 13 I was 42 when I gave birth, I wanted two just like you, but after trying and geting much older it just did not happen.
I now lok at my daughter Leanne and see we can give her so much more than if we had two. It will take you time to grieve but it will pass. You can tell you little girl that god had other plans for Marc if fact he is probably going to be looking over her as a guardian angel.
Words can never replace what you lost but he is probably one of god chosen children to help the living.
God Bless You and I hope my story didn't just make you angry.
B.
I give you this one thought to keep -
I am with you still - I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the sweet uplifting rush,
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft starts that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone -
I am with you still in each new dawn.

I am so sorry for your loss. I really don't know what it's like to lose a child but I do understand depression.
It's crippling to say the least.
Do you have a local ymca? Sometimes you can find supportive links through them.
What are your religious beliefs. Do you go to a local church? If not I can recommend a great place to call for some support. Let me know if you're interested.

Phyl

I just have tears that are flowing for you with empathy. I had a miscarriage right after we adopted our little boy. I had never been pregnant before - but we had tried and tried to concieve. Then we lost the baby right before Christmas. If we did not have our 6 month old, I don't know what I would have done. It was hard to grieve for me and for my husband. Our family helped us by going to a little "service" that we had for the baby and crying with us, and that was good. The next month, my husband was diagnosed with a bone marrow disease that is life-threatening. Our child gave him the will to fight - hard - to be a daddy to our son for as long as possible. He is now undergoing treatment that has been proven to be helpful in the fight against this disease.

I don't have any answers, but I feel compelled to tell you how very sorry that I am for your loss. It is hard to explain death to a child - even worse when you are in your own grief and mourning. Just let her talk and if you need to, cry with her to let her know that you are sad, too. My relationship with God has held me together, literally, through this rollercoaster of life. I hope that you find strength as time goes by and that you and your family find peace through this tragedy.

First i am sooo sorry for your loss, i know how you feel, i had a miscarriage during a car accident the airbag hit my tummy (im kinda short so i have to sit kinda close). My second pregnancy i didnt even know i was carring twins, until i had to have an emergency c-section, and they found the baby underneath my son. I was told it was going to be very hard for me to get pregnant, and it was. My sister was completly healthy but has had 2 miscarriages within a year both around the same time (about 4 or 4 1/2 months), they were not sure why she lost the first baby, but then she lost the second, they said it could be because of her uterus (sp) that it may be shaped "funny", but they wont know till April when they can run the tests to see (since she has to wait 6 months). I didnt get to hold my babies the first one i wasnt far enough along, and the second they wouldnt let me, my sister did get to hold both of her babies, and the hospital was excellent (on the second), they let her and us hold him all day, took pictures, gave her a keepsake box, everything they usually do. Im sorry i hope that this doesnt hurt your feelings, i dont mean it that way, but i will say it does get better, eventually, it has been 7 years since my first, and almost 4 for the other, it is hard, i think about my babies everyday, but, it will get better with time. As far as any support groups im not sure of any or where they are at, if you attend church, maybe you should contact your preacher and ask him/her if they know where there may be any. As far as your daughter, im not sure what exactly you could tell her or how to explain it to her (i havent been there yet), maybe you could get her a little angel thats blue with his name on it and give it to her and tell her that "its her brother" and whenever she wants to talk to him to look at the statue and pray or talk to him, and he will always be in her heart to be there for her, guide her, and protect her. Im not sure if i helped you or not, i hope so, and i will be praying for you and your family.

I commend you on your strength. I don't know what to say to make your situation better, but I do want to honor you. You have been through a lot and have made tough decisions about your body and family's well-being. I have a cousin that went through this 5 times, because she wanted another baby so badly. So I know from seeing her how painful losing something so precious is.

I pray that God sends your family peace and understanding. I hope that in this time you will grow closer and stronger. Miracles happen everyday!

Hello S.. You have received some good advice & encouragement but I am actually writing in response to something you wrote in your follow up letter. I am particularly baffled by your comment of having "a God" in your life. I hope that was just a typo but in case it wasn't may I tell you that there truly is one God (Ephesians 4:6) who loves you and your family very much.
Scripture tells us that Jesus is the only way to God the Father and He is only a breath away.(John 14:6,Romans 10:9&10)
I encourage you to give this monumental burden that you are carrying over to Him. There is no burden too heavy for Him to bear. I will be praying for you and your precious family.

You're right....There is absolutely nothing anyone can say to make you feel better at this point. I, too, lost a sweet little girl, Hannah Elisabeth, back in 1999. She was full-term. I went to the ob/gyn on a Monday for a regular check-up--heartbeat was fine, she was doing well. Less than 48 hours later I was having alot of Braxton Hicks contractions, went to my ob/gyn and she said my water was about to break. They gave me an ultrasound before sending me to the hospital to deliver and we discovered her precious little heart had stopped beating. We don't know why and we declined an autopsy. It was an extremely difficult time. Like you, I had a 7 year old (boy) who was waiting on his little sister and it was so hard to explain through our own grief that all would be well.

I don't know about support groups for husbands. We were never offered any--just for the mother or maybe couples groups. I tried to be strong because my hubby was strong but it was tearing me up and I blamed myself. Don't make the same mistake as I did and think that you can handle things on your own. We had a wonderful group of family, church family and friends that God sent to us to help us through that time. I finally learned to lean on the Lord and not on my own understanding. Communicate with your husband, please. You need him as much as he needs you. Don't do it by yourself. At the time, no words would help me either, but my husband's aunt had gone through it years ago and she said something I will never forget. It was nothing profound but it was very true. She said that this hurts, it's always going to hurt but each day gets a little better and a little better until you don't feel the crushing weight of it anymore. Remember, you WILL meet your son. I firmly believe that my daughter will be standing at the gates of heaven when we get there--ready to welcome us home.

My prayers of peace are with you and your family.

I am very sorry to read about your loss. Contact the hospital or your Dr and they should be able to direct you and your husband to places where you all can get help even your daughter. If they cant, contact your local health department and ask about grief counseling. Someone should have already directed you all to this. Age is only a number and I understand your guilt of getting your tubes tied. Lean on God and your family at this time. Dont rush your healing and dont let anyone rush you. God will get you through this. You might talk to your little girl and let her know God was missing and angel and he picked her brother to fill the emptiness. My heart goes out to you and your family. God Bless

I am so sorry for your loss and though I cannot say I understand your pain, I will say that there is a rainbow at the end of all this. Just remember that God never gives you more than you can handle and this experience was meant for you for some reason. You may not understand it now or even 10 years from now but one day you will! The one thing you and your husband have to do is be there for your daughter and make her realize that she is loved more than anything. Always keep Marc Aaron in your thoughts and don't be afraid to talk about him. He will always be with you! God Bless!

Dear Precious One,
I know there is nothing anyone can say to stop the pain but time does help. We lost our baby at full term and I felt like it was the hardest thing that I have ever been through. I believe in prayer and support of friends and family. Four years later of course our little boy is always in our hearts but time helps to be able to cope more.I will keep you in my prayers and know that god is there to heal your wounds.

God bless your sweet heart and keep you in peace through your pain. I am a 67 year old mother of five and grandmother of six children. God simply works in mysterious ways. I cried at each pregnancy because I did not want to go through all that again. I cried because my husband was abusive and each pregnancy tied me down more closely to him. I cried because of the work involved in giving child care, being a housewife with all those chores, being a classroom teacher, and working on George's ranch all at the same time. It was George's ranch all along, never mine, or the children who were his servents and peons during all those years. I am ashamed now to realize there are so many women who are not allowed the priviledge of having children. But I also realize that everything that happens is for a reason. We are not allowed to know the reason. If we knew all the reasons for everything that happens, we would be in heaven already. So here is where the faith comes in. Talke to God about your pain. Tell Him what he already knows...that you and your husband are in pain and need relief from that. Tell Him you trust him to bring you through this. Tell Him you want to learn from the experience. Ask Him to use your experience to help other people in some way. Or ask Him to use you as He sees fit to make this a positive happening in your life and in everyone else's life around you. He has a plan. It is up to you to make the right choices now to carry out that plan. Ask Him to enlighten you and your husband. Listen to your own inner voice telling you what to do. Do it. Relief will come as soon as you are on the right track to getting done what He has in mind for you and your husband to accomplish. Ususally, the task He has in mind is equal on the positive side to the negative pain you are feeling now.
God bless and keep you and give you solice in your pain....
J. R.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I can't imagine. I'm sure it's hard to be comforted by people who haven't gone through what you and your family have gone through. There is a support group that meets at The Woodlands United Methodist Church for family members who have lost a loved one. Talking with people who understand where you are emotionally may help.

I cannot seem to think what you are going through. I will be praying for you and your family and your precious little girl. It is not the same thing but when my daughter who will be 10 on 3/17, when she was 3, I got breast cancer and then had to do chemo and then other medical issues. I also had to have a hysterectomy and I knew no more kids. YOu see I got married at age 40 and had my daughter at age 43. So when all of this happened, it took me a long time to get over this and I try every day to re-direct my life.

You are in my prayers.

M.

I wish I knew what to say, but I never do in these situations. My heart goes out to you. As hard it as it may be, what about putting your energy into another project? What about fostering or adopting? I have a friend who started fostering a little over a year ago and is about to adopt her 2nd child (fingers crossed!) to complete her family. It really seems to have been a joyous thing for her to help out children who need love and even more wonderful to be able to add them to her family.

I am not saying forget your precious angel, but decide to help another child in his memory. The more you get yourself excited about it, the more excited your husband and daughter might get. Some people might look at it has replacing, but I wouldn't. I would look at it has taking the energy your baby left in your hearts and putting it to bring your family together.

You are in my thoughts...hugs!

dear sister, i too have had this in my life, my husband and i had 7 miscarages, usually at 3-4 months. i know the heart break of no baby when you plan for one. i finally did get a son and the 5 years after that another. no reason why i had the miscarages. i was in my 30;s and good health, i also worked full time. but i did learn the power of prayer and kept hope up that i would get another child. i did and he is a joy to us. have you though of adoption to fill the gap while you wait. we wish we would have but no one told us to think about it. there are babies who go to sleep every night with out a loving parent to love them .i do hope you will keep mamasorse up dated i read it every day. my love in sisterhood and prayers go to you. and keep talking about it, it does help. and remember your husband lost a child also. greve together. D.

My heart goes out to you & your family! I just read about a grieving place called Bo's Place
It's in Bellaire I think it's on Bissonnet St. I heard it's for families grieving after a loss of any kind. I think you should give them a call. Your husband will find others like him & your daughter will meet other children who are grieving. Last but not least, you will hopefully find some peace with all this. You are in my thoughts.

The peace you spoke of is God holding you and carrying you thru. I lost my one of my daughters at 3 months old SIDS or crib death. Very hard time, I remember that peace you spoke of where just some days God just carries you thru the day. I remember those first few days it was like when I was strong my husband was weak and vise versa. Time is the only factor. Your right noone can say anything to make you feel better, in my situation what would help me feel better would make my husband feel worse and vise versa. Till time, time to sort things out and deal with the situation. Heres what I have of many years of sorting. I somehow feel kinda special that God has my daughter, and oh how special she must be that he needed her before all of us, she is the first grandchild their to be there with my dad, and his mother, and she's there with my mom's parents. I always thought of all 5 of these people being so awesome I'm glad they have a piece of me there with them. I know this isn't making you feel any better but perhaps one day it will help because before I felt all of that above there was a day when someone would ask about that early morning when we found Lacey Danielle, and I would go thru that nights events and when I went to check on her at 430 am and she was still breathing, in my mind I'm like pick her up pick her up, she'd still be with you now if you do. which we don't know if thats true, but with TIME I'm able to now to just tell it how it happened and feel kinda special that she's there. The other comfort seeker I found thru the years because this happened in 1993 is one day I asked God, "how can my dad, my grandparents and daughter be completely happy in Heaven without us being in their life, he spoke to me and sad a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years as a day, my timing in Heaven is not the same as time on earth, so I knew then they haven't even missed us a day. I know this isn't very much help now but hopefully later it will be. My daughters friend passed this past Christmas holidays when she came home from U.T for break she went to a party that my oldest daughter didn't make it too and one of the guys wanted to show off his driving skills he and she both died when he lost control of the car so I gave her mom those words that someday they may help. My daughter won't talk about any of it which brings me back to her sister dieing when she was 5 almost 6. She stayed busy she became a parent pleaser, straight A student not the bouncy tigger she once was, we gave her another sister and brother and with each child she slowly bounced back. She has lost about 5 friends to car accidents from where we used to live she doesnt like putting her feelings on the table. I remember when it first happended my husband and I was worried about her, and I remember even at the funeral she made sure my husband and I had tissue. Someone told me that kids bounce back quicker and that the hardest lost is not a sibbling its a child. Still I kept her in church where if she needed someone to talk to she could. Well she spoke with the pastor on he own when he came by her kindergarten sunday school she got saved and followed with babtist. LACEY DANIELLE'S death was not in vain if this was the only way her older sister would make it to heaven one day. I'm not certain but I'm just telling you, only God knows. Weather we comprehend or not we are maybe here 80 yrs give or take 20 years on either side of 80. With Heaven the bible says this life on earth is a bat of an eyelash. We wont' understand it all till we get to heaven. Your husband is the tricky part one thing I'm not good at this part because after Lacey passed we divorced about 6 years later. Men think they suppose to be able to comfort their families and fix things, we have no power to fix something like this, we have to get our strenghth from God and as far as the meds I wouldnt let them put me on anything, I wanted to persevere and deal with it and get on with life, you have to know me. Anyway my ex won't talk about doesnt want any reminders, he feels responsible, and when he wanted out he told his whole family for their acceptance that I blame him for Lacey's death. I'm sure your husband doesnt have issues like mine already did but a support group would be great. You should be able to call any church and they'd direct you. Weather they have one on sight or they'd direct you to a church or group that does. God bless and I prayed for you and will continue to do so. Sorry this is so long.

Hi S.,

I just wanted to send you my love and support. I went through something similar, and it was very, very hard on my husband, and on our relationship. I definitely think it would have been helpful for us to do some extensive work in one of the groups in the Houston area that exists for parents who have experienced miscarriages and stillbirths. We did some counseling with an individual therapist, but I think a grief group specific to our situation would have helped a lot. Without having a place to process our grief as a couple, or for Steve to grieve, I think we went through a lot of difficulties in our relationship and as a family that early grief work with a group might have helped us to avoid.

blessings,
M.

I work as a clinical social worker and over the years have recommended people dealing with grief to get group support. It seems to work best. For the Love of Christi is a private, non-profit organization out of Austin that I have referred people to and have only heard good things about. They are non-denominational and do not charge a fee. It was started locally years ago by a family who lost their daughter. You can google it for more information. Good luck to you and your family.

S., I am so sorry about the loss of your baby. I have a couple of suggestions for all three of you.

One: Read books about death and dying to your daughter. The library will have some, and they will order others in from other branches for no charge. For your situation, I like "The Empty Place, A child's guide through grief" by Roberta Temes.

Two: Tell her the truth. Don't talk about the baby being asleep. He died. I know that it sounds harsh, but all those uthimism's we use for death also describe something that means something different (and real) to children. That can be very scary to children, because they cannot grasp the difference.

Three: Explain what death means. Your baby brother was born too early to live outside Mommy's body. We don't know why it happened, but it did. He couldn't breathe or move or hear or feel or make noise. Kind of like a toy that needs new batteries, but in people we can't go to the store and buy new batteries.

Four: Tell her about how you feel. Tell her how mixed up your feelings are. Kids know that they can feel more than one thing at a time. So let her know that you are sad, even mad that your baby died. Do you feel guilty? She will understand that you wonder if there was anything else you could have done. Admit that you don't know why he died.

Five: Let her know that death is natural. Most people die when they are very old. But sometimes people die before they are born, just like your brother. Explain based on your religious beliefs where your son is now. But be careful that your child doesn't perceive God as mean or a bully for having taken her brother.

Six: Watch her behavior. If she is acting differently, find a counselor who works with children (a play therapist)to talk with both of you. Issues can come up anytime in the next year (or longer. Sometimes what children understand from us and their experiences brings up fears of their own (or our) death when they (or we're) sick, or accidents happen. Dying is part of the process of life and if we overprotect our children from the realities of death, emotional pain and grief with stories (lies) we don't allow them to grow and learn to cope with loss.

You certainly don't need to talk about lots of specifics. Keep your conversations at a 7 year old (age appropriate) level.
Most of all take care of yourself so that you can be there to help your daughter cope.

S.: I just saw your response to the responses. May I suggest that you go to the EMDR website: www.EMDRIA.org and read about this form of therapy for grief and loss. The website will list counselors who are trained in EMDR in your area. You, your husband and your daughter have suffered a horrible trauma. Medication is good, but there are ways to work through the pain more quickly. Get yourself some good support. Good luck.

I know many women who have gone thru miscarries...please have faith and relax. Your situation is very hard but God has a plan, unfortunately, we dont always know the outcome until it happens. With your husband, please assure him that you can always adopt and that maybe he could seek proffesional help...You and your husband must be strong for your little one at home. She is watching and needs your guidance and love.

I am so sorry. It must be the worst. My thoughts are with you and your family. I hope your husband finds the peace he is looking for. Try having lots of activities in the evening.
Maybe an indoor picnic by candlelight. Some joke books might help with popcorn or smores by the candlelight for a campout indoors. Just to appreciate each other and move on and how lucky you are. Love you.

I just read your posting and I am so sorry for your loss. I apologize if I don't know what to say but I had a close friend who went through this a few months ago. As friends we just can't seem to find the words, especially when it is a friend who is known for handling whatever is thrown at them. You are incredibly strong and probably a lot like my dear friend. She recently shared with me that what has helped her and her husband especially is a grief support group organized through Ronald McDonald house here in Austin. I don't know all of the details but you may want to call an inquire about this group. As a matter of fact, she and her husband were responsible for starting the group and he has told my husband it has been a huge help to him. Guys have their own way of processing situations and he said he felt really safe sharing his thoughts with the other men in the group. Hope this helps.

My prayers are with you and your family. God bless!

My haeart goes out to you and your family. It is great to hear you talk about your response to the situation. You don't mention seeking therapy but it sounds like some couples therapy to deal with this very unexpected turn of events may be helpful. I am a therapist in Austin and work spcificly with parents who are dealing with childbearing issues. Let me know if you would like to work on this with a therapist . L. Lichtenfels M.Ed., LCDC. ###-###-####

Hi S. -

I'm so sorry to hear of your heart breaking news. I'm glad that you realize that the pain will dull over time but never truly be gone. I hope that your daughter and husband can find a place of healing that will allow them to grief. I wish I had suggests to share. I just wanted to say bless your heart and one day you'll wake up and it won't be so hard to get out of bed and face the day. Until then, just take it slow, as you are, one day at a time and love and cherish youer Princess!

You may not be interested, but I do know you can have the reversal of having your tubes tied.

God bless you!

Just keep focusing on all that you are grateful for and how blessed you really are.

To S.,
My heart goes out to you, and family.You sound as though you are a strong person,I trust that you have faith in God, because He will certainly see you through this.You mentioned one key word: time,I wish all the best to you ,and your family.
J.

Try this website: weecarehouston.org. This is a group of families who have experienced the loss of a young child, baby or infant. God bless you.

Idon't have any answers,but your story touched my heart. I will be praying for God to give you answers and the strength to cope. your little princess is very lucky to have a loving caring MOM in her corner. GOD BLESS TOU and keep you in his care!

Just know that you and your family are being prayed for right now...and will continue to be...

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is to lose a child. My husband and I have suffered miscarriage and then we had a little girl who is now about to turn 4, and then a year ago we had twin boys, Connor and Christian...Christian died when he was 5 months old in August. It helps to have Connor, but our daughter does wonder why she doesn't have two baby brothers anymore, and we miss him terribly. I know the situation is different, but I just wanted you to know that we understand the heartache of losing a baby, and we will be praying for you, your husband, and your daughter. Your life will never be the same, but it does get easier...we were only able to make it by relying on our strong relationship with God and through the help of supportive, caring friends...may God grant you peace and fill your heart with the joy only He can bring at these very sad times.

Blessings,
K.

S.,
My heart goes out to your and your family during this extremely difficult time. You're right about their being no words to make it all better. Time is the only thing. When we suffered a miscarriage, my husband and I attended some HAND meetings (Houston's Aid in Neonatal Death). We found it very helpful to be with people who had experienced the same thing and to just talk or to just listen. Here is their website: www.hand.net.
I pray that you can all find some peace one day. Until then, just hold on to eachother and help eachother get through the day (or hour or minute). Tomorrow is a new day.

I can see the pain in your letter. I'm so sorry you went through this. Your church should have someone he can talk to. If not the hospital has information. Comfort each other & share with each other. You all went through the same thing. You're in my prayers. Have you tried tellin your daughter that the baby was such a great angel God wanted him up there? She's at that age where she understands some things but this is probably more than her heart can stand..

Hi S.,
You are right. There is nothing anyone can say. I have not experienced what you have but my heart aches for you. Perhaps telling this story on this forum has helped. At least I hope so. I think there are certain things such as this, that no one can possibly know how you feel. This has got to be one of those things that you get through not over. If you believe in God, in those moments of sadness and despair, call out to Him, talk to Him and ask him to relieve you and your family of this burden. Ask him to help you feel joy again and heal your hearts. I will pray for you.
MM

Hello S.,
I have no idea what you are going through or even how anything I could possible say that would comfort you. I do however know of a place that your daughter along with you & your husband may find support. My father in-law died about 4 years ago & my son took it very hard. He still has issue with it although not much. I found The Children’s Bereavement Center of South Texas. http://www.cbcst.org/
If you are not aware of this organization please look into it. They are non profit & ask nothing of the family unless you have the money or supplies to donate. They do several different sessions. Those for kids that have lost parents, lost siblings, lost other family or close friends. The thing is this place is for the kids but while the kids are off in age appropriate areas with counselors, the people (whether family or friends) that bring the children also have a sit down session in which they talk & help each other along with their own counselor. They also offer pot luck dinners before each meeting.
I truly hope that this will help your family heal in some way.

Hi S.. I feel your sadness. I too had a still born. My water also broke on new years eve. My sister was so excited because that is her birthday. By the time I got to the hospital there was no hartbeat. It killed me and was very hard to still go into labor knowing my baby girl was going to be dead. I am not trying to make you cry but that was 17 years ago and I still cry to this day. I go to her grave when ever I can. Bring her balloons on her Birthday and look at my other children who where 2 and 1 at the time and wonder if Angel Monica would have been any thing like them. I pretend she would have been more behaved LOL. My daughter now age 18 drives me crazy and I always tell her Angel would listen and do thing for me with out complaining. It does take time to heal and we are strong. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I know there are support groups out there and talking about it makes it better with time.

S.,

Hi. I'm S.. Your story brought back bittersweet memories for me. I miscarried three precious babies, at three different times, early in my pregnancies. While no one was really able to comfort me, the Holy Spirit gave me "the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." (Isaiah 61:3) I also found comfort in a song called "Glory Baby" sung and written by Watermark. Check out www.october15th.com to find ways to remember your sweet baby. I will be praying for you and your husband and your daughter.

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband has a good friend who lost twins. His fiance was 5 months pregnant with twin boys and she was having a lot of problems and ended up going into labor. They were about 1ounce and 2 ounces. But our my husbands friend had their foot prints tattooed on his arm so that every day he could see them, and they would be with him. It was just a thought, maybe that could be a way of him always haveing your son with him. Good luckm and I will pray for your family.

I am so sorry for your loss,there is no pain compared to the pain of losing a child.No matter the age or reason.And we all cope in different ways,I still cry every morning ann its been six years,And try to work so hard to stay busy,I pray every day for moms and dads feeling this pain.I dont know of any websites for him, but i wanted you to know i will be praying for you both.

I am so sorry for your loss. My main advice, however, is to not remain sad or dwell on your loss. It doesn't make it better (sure, we all need to grieve), but in fact that is why you have a wake and a funeral. Then you get back to living. If you don't, you will make yourself sick. It only gets worse. Also, it is not fair to your daughter. Consider adoption if she really wants a sibling. But do it quick, don't wait. Good luck to you. Thank your blessings for your husband and daughter!

I have added you and your family to my prayer chain. I dont know what you are feeling but I know that God will heal your heart. Pray with your husband and little girl alot and lean on God to do the rest.

God bless you.

I don't know what to say but I really feel for you.
God bless S.'s family today!

Doesn't the police department have anything for spouses to cope with disabled retirees? May be worth checking into. The only other source (and a GREAT one) is to go to any church and ask about programs they may know of.

Best of luck to you.

I know what it's like to have a stillborn baby. When I was nine months pregnet I went to the doctor and they told me that everything was going well. I went to bed one night and the next morning I woke up bleeding. My husband took me to the hospital where they told us that they couldn't find my daughters heart beat. Everything well going well and I still don't understand what happened. I buried my daughter the day she was suppose to be born. I have three other children. My five year old daughter has me take he to the cemetary to go talk and play with here baby sister. My 3 year old daughter is always getting her baby sister's picture and giving it a kiss. My 12 year old son wants to fight everyone that talks bad about her. You are not alone. I have cried myself to sleep for the last year and a half. I'm a 26 year old stay at home mom. Most of the time I just don't know what to do anymore. I just think to myself that one of these days I will get to be with her and hold her forever. That's what keeps me going. You just need to remember and believe that. It will make life just a little bit easier. Trust me I know. I hope that what I have told you will help any. L.

I know how you feel because I had 4 miscarraige myself and the forth child is five month in my pregnancy. I was very sad for a while but I thought about my lose and I am glad I have my other 2 kids. I also talk to a friend of mind who is a premmie nurse who take care of alot of kids with complications and she told me you do not want your child to go through the pain of heart or lung surgery and ect. I also believe that my kids that I lost is with god. My 2 kids who is 9 and 6 would ask me the same things and I would tell them that he's in heaven praying for us to be happy. I sometime think that what if I was the parent who is in the ICU for my premmies child and to see the pain on the faces of the parents whose child is in pain and can not do anything. I hope I am a little helpful and I am now very happy because I have great kids who are with me.

Hello Stephanie, I really do feel for you. The question I have is why did you tie your tubes. I know that you can never replace what you lost, but why? That is all I wanted to know. I will keep you in my prayers. J. in Texas

Dear mom of a "PRINCESS," I've read your story and I was sad. But... you and your husband have been blessed with a daughter. Let HER be your light!! She needs you more now than ever. Stay close with her and your family and friends. Be there for your daughter and listen to her. Let her talk if and when she is ready. And be strong and share your life and love with her! Bless you and your family Sincerely, L.

In response to your post, i just want to sent my Sincere sympothy to your family. Although i have never been through this i could only imagine what you and your family are going through. The only thing that i could tell you is for your 7 yr old daughter to somehow let her know that god needed her brother to be with him and no matter what he is always with her. As for your husband there is a group online at griefnet.org they are a support group this site is for the whole family. there is even a section to create a memorial. Hope this helps and again my prayers are with your family.

Dear S. j,
I am sorry to hear about your loss; I was told that I could never have chidren, well at the age of 36, came by little one. I wasn't even trying. She is God's gift to me. I will cherish her forever. She too has now just turned 8 yrs. old. I know it's hard, but God takes care of us and there is a reason for everything that happens in our lives. My brother is a psychologist in California; There is a colleage of his that actually specializes in husbands who have lost a an unborn child. He has a video and information that can help your husband get through this and maybe even an online support group. I need to find out his name for you. He used to teach at the university in Pasadena, CA. for Psychology. In the meantime, count your blessings and be thankful. Tell your husband to see that he has a beautiful wife and daughter who love him dearly and who will always be by his side. Many don't have what he has and many only can dream of what he has.

keeping you in prayers,
jan

Hi, I am so sorry that your family has to go thru this. Only time will ease the pain. You never forget. I am a mother of two. We lost two. Our first baby @ 6 weeks,then our son was born we lost our second baby @three months. I had our ____@____.com you believe in pray it really helps. I do not know any support groups for men,I do know they deal very differently than we do. If you need someone to talk to that has been thur this I would do that for you. My e-mail is ____@____.com from another Mom

Hi, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I won't be able to help you through this, but it might help to know that I went through the same thing last year. My husband is in the Army and I got pregnant before he left. He left in April 2007 and on May 14 2007 I had the baby. I was 5 months pregnant and 20 years old when I delivered my second child. Placenta abruptio, or something like that, is what happen and like you I was bleeding pretty consistently through my pregnancy. They tried to stop the contractions, but they said if they kept that up then we would both die. So unfortunately I had to make one of the toughest decisions and if it wasn't for my 2 year old little boy, I'm not sure I would have made the same decision, but I couldn't stand the thought of never seeing my little 2 year old again. I'm very thankful for my little one and all I can say is it will get easier as time goes by, but there will never be a time when you don't think about it. I'm terribly sorry about your loss and I hope I can be of some help.

Hello, I read your bullentin and was really touched. I kinda know what u are going through in a way cause i lost a twin to my daughter at almost 4 months. I have to be thankful to have her. But i still wonder why. I have learned to lean on Jesus Christ and he has given me strength to carry on. He is the only one can ease the pain and help you go from day to day and give you strength to move forward and enjoy the daughter you do have. He knows best. So try letting Jesus ease your pain.

Prayer is the answer, my friend lost his son and it is very difficult for him at times; I do know one thing he does and that is he keeps a journal of his feelings right after the death up until now and it has helped him a lot. My prayers are with you guys.

I'm not sure this is a thing I can say other than this - I too have a very depressing situation going on in my life (yours is worse - mine is my mom with Alzheimer's) and it seems like people want to help but they just can't other than to call and say kind things, there is nothing they can do really. It is a "time" thing for you. My goodness, your hormones are wonky right now too. You need to rest and focus on the 7 yr old....try to hang in there. It is so sad, but you know that you can get through it. Your daughter will get over it too. My son lost his only grandpa and he has trouble with that alot too. It's hard....life is just hard sometimes and doesn't seem to make a bit of sense. Being strong is all you can do really and say your prayers. Others care....they really do.

S., I can only imagine the pain and agony you are feeling, such loss. However I offer to you God's amazing love and grace in every situation you encounter here on this earth. Perhaps the one thing that you should strive to remember is this; "it is not your plans that are the utmost and foremost, it is God's plan". I do not know if you have a spirtual relationship with God, but God is where you will find the comfort you are needing. Seek God and you will find answers. Be blessed for what God has given, what he has taken away and for what he has left you.
May God Bless and keep you, your husband,and your Princess.