Stepmom Needs Some Empathy & Advice!!

My step-daughter is 16 and I have been with her dad for 10 years. I know exactly what you are going through. This is the first year she told me Happy Mother's Day. I don't have any advice for you, I can only say the older they get the more they will realize the role you've had in their lives. They will also start to realize how little their mom had to do with their lives. I hate to say it, but being a mom is a thankless job. Someday they will thank us.

1. Their mom will always be the #1 mom. Its not fair, but thats the way it is.
2. They may never appreciate you for all you do.
3. You need to find the reward within yourself, knowing you are doing the right thing.

Step families are tough, especially when there are 'real' and 'step' kids together in the mix. Being a mom is not about what the kids do for you it what we do for them. I would highly suggest you take some time, or find a counselor, to help you find the joy within yourself to keep on being a great mom and role model.

Good Luck!

I am not a step parent, however am kind of getting in at the other side as my ex is soon to be remarried. Granted he is the one that left and moved out of state. I used to think I would be jealous of someone else being a "psuedo mom" to them but I am not. All my concern is if the kids do visit them that she treats them with love, respect and kindness as if they were her own.
It sounds like you do so much for those kids, when they are older they will remember it. Now, they are still young, their mom will always be their mom, no matter how hard you try.
You need to be what you are to them, let them come to you and get closer if they choose to. You cannot force it, you cannot change it, they love their mom unconditionally just as all kids love their parents regardless of their mistakes.
My kids have a empty hole in their life due to their dad being gone so much, but seeing them filled with so much love for him regardless is truly very humbling. I envy their ability to look past the bad stuff and be so accepting and loving no matter what.
Just accept them as they are, you are amazing and doing a great job but quit trying to find a place and just accept they do love you, they have a mother and you are part of their family but will never be "their mom". If you stop trying you will be surprised that one day they will look back and realize how much you did for them and how much love you gave them and appreciate it right now.
Don't expect more from them then they can give. Just be patient.
Just be there if they need you, don't replace their mother just add quality to their lives!
You are great for all you are doing for them. I can only pray that the woman my ex is marrying will do the same for my kids when they visit them. It would take a huge burden off me to know someone like you was caring for my children.
Hugs.

Alexa, from my life's experience, change begins within oneself. You see yourself as their babysitter, not mother...in other words, all the things you say they feel about you is the way you feel about you and your situation. This is very normal. However, it is projected on to them and that is how they have become to see you. Being a stepmom is not easy. The first thing I would suggest is to remind yourself you are MOM - leave off the step. When referring to the kids in conversation, don't refer to them as your step-kids. Of course, life with mommy dearest is Disneyland - for her and for them. It is vacation time! She has none of the stress of raising the kids. That falls to you and your husband. Sure she is "perfect" in their eyes. After all, wouldn't you love a 'fairy godmother' too? Appreciation comes with maturity, which comes from life experiences. There is hope you will get recognition and love from them. It is hard to hang in there when you feel underappreciated, underrated, underloved. It will be worth it in the long run. After all, you know each day you have done your best by your family--natural, extended, step - all your family. Your 'wife in law' does not have that comfort. When those kids succeed at anything, whether learning a math problem, making a homerun, winning an award, it was through your efforts and your husband's - through your hard work and love, that you are able to see them succeed. 'Wife in law' does not have that choice. She gave it up. You are the real winner, no matter what anyone says.
I have two stepdaughters. Over time I have become very close to both of them. I told them from the start, you have a birth mother, but you don't have a best friend/mother. That is my roll. I am your 'best friend/mother'. As our relationship was based first on becoming friends, it made the transitions easier.
My thoughts are with you. Maybe you will let me know how things progress. You deserve roses everyday. Unfortunately we rarely get what we deserve! Smile. Know someone understands a little of what your life must be like.
D.

I'm not a stepmom, but I am a stepchild. All I can say is that it's hard for everyone. I'm lucky enough not to have had to deal with the whole split/blended family until after I was married with kids of my own. My main piece of advice would be to sit down and talk to them about how you feel (being careful not to put down thier bio mom). Tell them that you love them and that some of thier actions are hurting your feelings (or whatever words you want to use). Most importantly, let them know that you want this family to be happy and healthy, and ask them what they want for the family. See what they say and work through whatever issues come up. Good luck. Hope it helps.

It most likely won't be today or tommorrow, that your children will honor you for all the hard work you have done. But there will come a day when they will look back and realize who it was that was there to hold there hands when they got scared, who it was who sat up with them at night when they were scared and who it was that was always there for them! Of course bio mom is the good guy, she's the "fun" one, but one day they will learn what really matters. You are doing good by the kids and never doubt yourself or your intentions, know that you are doing everything you know how to do for them and you as a family. It is very hard to be in that position, but you will never look back and go "did I do right by them?" because you will always know the answer. It will come rest assured!

Dear Alexa,

I have been married to an abusive man for almost five years. It has taken more out of me than I could ever explain to you. I stay for my kids and because it has slowly gotten better. It still sucks. But if my husband can learn, how much more can your special little children? You have such an opportunity and calling, if you will, to teach them how to be good people. Teach them life skills so when they are ready to leave the nest, they are ready to fly, or at least walk.

How do I keep the faith? I stay close to God, or I try to. I think of what I want to give my children, and how that there are so many wonderful moms out there who are sacrificing daily for their children, and I am proud to be one of them. As far as sanity goes, I have specific goals for my children, and I gain satisfaction from slowly seeing them reach those goals and being a helpful part of the process. Keep doing those things that will help your children grow to be the people they need to be.

Don't step down on the toughness, but always step up on the love. If you deliver discipline with a hug, and an I love you, they will always remember that they can come to you, even when they're wrong, and you will be fair. Motherhood is a sacrifice, and it is always worth it.

I am a step mom of 4 kids. I have 5 total. You are on the right track to give them the same love and treatment that you give your own. I think this is very important in raising kids. Your step kids need to enjoy the time they have with their natural mom and do not want to forget her, even though she has problems. It is difficult to interact with the exes. I have had my share of problems in the past. My advice is always be kind to your step kids natural mom, and treat her as if she were your friend. If your step children see this they will come around and start thinking of you as another mom instead of an enemy. My step children are grown now and I still love them as much as my own. I still get along well with their natural mother. We sometimes have BBQ's together. I have come a long way and now feel that I can call her a friend. This has made things much easier and has helped our two families blend. This is extremely important that you be tolerant of their natural mother, never say anything negative about her. You will earn the respect from your step children. It will take time, but it will eventually make your life allot easier and possibly make a difference for your step kids natural mom. Let your step children know that you love them. Talk to your husband and get his full support.