Step Kids and Holidays

I don't think you're being selfish at all. And you're not giving the message "we are moving on with or without you." You are simply trying to arrange a better schedule for the kids.

We do the 1/2 day at Christmas and it really isn't ideal for my stepdaughter! Poor thing. She gets up at one house, opens all her wonderful gifts, then has to LEAVE her presents and go to another house. The bonus (that we try to point out to her) is she gets 4 Christmases and therefore lots of gifts. The bad part is she has to leave in the middle of the festivities. She's even said that she wishes she could just do Christmas at one house or the other.

I think you should talk to the kids and find out how they feel. I'll bet you'll be happy to know they'd rather just switch off!

I know this is really hard.
I understand the intention behind it, but frankly the half day with one and half day with the other is a crock.
It might be fine if you live within 5 minutes of each other and never have other family events or plans, but for the most part, it doesn't work well at all and the kids are the ones who lose out in my opinion.
For instance, I can't visit any of my family. They live too far away. And even when we lived closer, the kids were running around smelling the turkey or whatever, but didn't get to stay to have any of it unless it was the year we had the last half of the day. Again, my opinion, but I think it's better to rotate one year on and one year off for the holidays. We had to change our orders to make arrangements like that because it just wasn't working the other way. Long story, but my ex isn't allowed within a certain distance of me so things like birthdays were especially hard. You better believe the years I don't get my son on his birthday, so we celebrate it before. At least he gets one full day in one place and isn't cut in two over it.
I personally don't think it's a matter of "moving on with life with or without them". You can ask permission for them to be able to go with you if they want, and if they don't, you can explain that you can't give up seeing other relatives this time for half a day. I don't mean that as cold as it sounds. But, sometimes, you have to be able to trade off or make other arrangements without it being a matter of all or nothing. Maybe next time you can agree to give up your half day if mom has other plans if she'll give up half day for you this time.
Just a suggestion.
If she's unwilling to compromise, you can just follow through with your plans, but I would put it in writing to her that you made every effort to trade time or compromise with her. That way it shows you are trying to work things out and if she says no, then she is the one being uncooperative. You're not giving up time with the kids if the choice is to see other relatives or not. I'm assuming the children are old enough to understand that.
My son is turning 15 on the 28th and his father has it pretty figured out that if he says no to little things my son wants to do, it looks bad on him and my son is old enough now that he can tell the court what he wants. He wants to be able to visit my side of the family and not being able to do so because of the half day stuff just isn't going to cut it anymore.

I hope this works out for you. I really do.

S.,
Your being neither selfish nor stingy. You need a better order in place as the one you have is clearly not working for you. You could also petition the court for a special order if you want to take the kids out of state or long vacation.

The ½ day routine seems like a very bad idea for all concerned…In fact your whole routine seems very inconvenient and insufficient to be able to establish a good schedule for the children.

Blessings….

1/2 day with each? What an odd custody arrangement. No, you're not selfish or stingy. If you guys can't alter this strange arrangement, life WILL have to go on.

If this is the decision of the daughters and the ex-wife, they will have to bear the consequences. You and your husband are allowed to have a life. Go see your dad.

Too me it would seem fare to have them for one and let her have them for the other. I would also think they would like the chance to see their older sister as well. I hope you are all able to listen to the children, but I know sometimes a bitter ex can make things difficult. Good luck to you, I think you are doing the right thing in trying to change the custody agreement legally.

First thing I would like to say is that no child should not be put in the middle of anything. I find it hard to believe (although maybe their judge was odd) that the any decisions having to do with Custody would be left up to the child. You didn't state what the childs ages were at the time of the divorce just what they are now.

I have been in and out of court for the past 13yrs and the one thing the court always says is "Do not pressure the child to make a decision or to have to make the choice over what parent you want to be with". NEVER put the child in the middle of a situation. The adults need to work it out. and leave the child out of it.

As far as the holiday schedule, both of my sisters are divorced and they split the Holiday's with their ex's, just as your husband does (1/2 with Mom & 1/2 with Dad). My daughter's father and I were ordered to share Holiday's every other year, alternating Holiday's. However, a few years ago he wanted Thanksgiving added and when they did, they didn't add it in the rotation correctly so now who ever has her for Christmas Day, also has her on Thanksgiving.

I know exactly how it feels not to be able to have a child with you for Holiday's and special occasions, however I have adjusted my life accordingly. Yes my daughter has to miss out on things, but that is part of living at 2 different households.

The only thing your husband can do is to file for a Motion through the court to ask for a modification of Parenting Time. He will have to show how the change will "best benefit the children" (not your husband). My daughter's father just recently brought me to court asking for everyother week in the summer. My daughter does not want this to happen, we ended up having a Guardin Ad Litem assigned to our case. This person is my daughters voice to the court system, although I thought he was very rude when taking to her and asking how she feels about things.

I would also like to mention, that you may want to take a step back and let your husband deal with this. I know my daughter's Step Mom runs things at their house and her father doesn't do much of the talking. This is only hurting the relationship between my daughter and her father.

As far as the 4th of July, just mention to the girls that you are going out of town and would like them to come if they would like to. If not, that is fine also, but you wanted to extend the opportunity for them to see extended family members that they don't normally get to see. Do not put any pressuse on them, if they say they want to stay home, let them, don't make them feel bad for making the decision....

Sorry if any of what I wrote may have upset you. I just wanted to give my opinion...I was never married to my daughter's father and have paid out over $15,000 in the past 13yrs for silly little things that he has requested and brought me back to court over and nothing ever benefited our daughter....

Completely understand! has he considered going back to court to re-arrange his visitation. They can get it done in mediation only most times. Perhaps alternating holidays instead of trying to share them would work out better. Good luck.

How frustrating all of this is. I have one step daughter and my husband and his daughter's mother, his ex girlfriend, have had their truly awful times of tit for tat, only doing what is "required" and nothing more, but your situation sounds almost un-manageable. Neither one of them has ever been late for exchange meetings, atleast not without a courtesy call, even when they were fighting like cats and dogs! (My husband would have NO QUALMS about turning around and taking my step daughter hom with us if her mother consistently failed to meet us on time to pick her up. And then SHE can drive THE ENTIRE WAY to pick up her daughter if she wants her back, and we live 90 minutes from the exchange spot! Point being, this woman is taking advantage of your time because she knows you will wait on her. Yes, she has no shame. Make it very, very inconvenient for her.) I don't think you are being selfish at all to visit alternate family on holidays, on occaision. There have been a few times (like two in five years) where I have told my husband that if we cannot alter visitation around a certain very important event (like my brother's wedding, hopefully being able to bring my step daughter, but leaving her if her mother refuses to negotiate) then we will just haveto forgo that visitation. And we would have no problem explaining to my step daughter why. I will to go to any lengths to be there for my step daugher, but I will NOT live my life around her mother's whims/petty BS. If you are otherwise very consistent and earnest in your effotrs to be there for your step children and incorporate them as a primary part of your family, then exceptions are ok for really important, once in a while stuff. Everything requires balance- you can't ALWAYS sacrifice EVERYTHING for the same family member, at all costs, no matter what. That builds resentment. I was one of four kids and each family member had to sacrifice to accomodate the other, kids included. Its a very natural function of being in family. Good Luck!!!

You are right, half days on holidays are rediculous...i have a child from a previous relationship and my husband does as well. we have primary custody of both girls and we work with the "other" parents because it is in the best interest of the kids. If the mother is being so stingy that she won't work with you, your only option is to go to mediation..(court). the one holiday we split is Christmas. but thanksgiving is traded every year...as well as the other holidays when we are off work. You and your husband have a right to have a life with ALL of your children...speaking from experience, this is the ex's way of still controling your husband....and trying to hold something over your head..the kids. anyone who is over the divorce/split and all parents involved are good parents has no reason to be so unreasonable unless, she/he isn't over it. she's bitter and you are not going to be able to change her mind...in my opinion stop going in circles...serve her with custody papers, you'll end up in mediation and get your holidays with your step kids and get her the heck out of YOUR business. :) I swear, some people just need to move on...lol

I didn't read your prior posts but will say this. I am lucky too. My ex and I work very easily together and don't come across too many issues if we have to switch around our schedules. That being said, my husbands ex is the ex from hell. If we don't return her call within 5 minutes, she's calling the cops on us. She is also unflexible with the holidays and current custody order. So the way around it is that we celebrate the holiday with our family on a different day. We can get away with this because my husbands family is out of state and I only have my mom here. We had Thanksgiving last year on a Monday night which is when we had all the kids. The only day that may be a problem is Halloween and July 4th since obviously you can't have those on a different day. So that's what we do.

Also, since you are trying for a modification right now, hopefully the judge will rule it very clear, such as father has child on this holiday on even year, mom on odd year, and from what time to what time. We had ours redone like that so there is no room for "interpretation" which my husbands ex is notorious for.

So you are not alone, its something all of us blended family has to go thru. I hope it works out for you. Good luck!

You aren't being selfish or stingy, but you do need to talk to your husband about modifying the custody agreement if it is an issue.

It sounds to me as if this were written with small children in mind, not young adults who would be traveling out of the area. Your husband should talk to his ex about your joint wishes to travel for a holiday. Perhaps they could work together to make a modification which alternates holidays instead of 1/2 days. Whatever is decided, it should be done in writing and submitted to the courts as an agreement so neither party can back out of the agreement.

Also, it's highly unfair to expect the children to choose. That is not their job and you and your husband are putting them into an uncomfortable situation by asking them to choose between their parents. It's the parents' job to discuss, come to an agreement, and then see that agreement through. The children did not decide to divorce, their parents did. Asking them "who do you want to be with on the 4th?" is asking too much of them. Mom and Dad need to make that decision so they don't have to feel guilty about their choice.

Good luck!

Good luck!

You're right - it is completely unrealistic to do a 1/2 day holiday EVERY holiday. Personally, I would hire a mediator and have it re-written, but I don't know your financial situation (although I don't think it would be THAT expensive since you are not asking for the moon - just that it be changed to every other holiday, every other year). I don't know how old these girls are, but I think that would make a big difference as well. Are they old enough to have some input into the situation? Do they even WANT to spend an entire holiday with one parent or the other?

That being said, with blended families, some accomodations do need to be made. Often, I find myself seeing family and doing trips around holidays rather than on a holiday because of conflicting visitation issues. Like at Christmas, do you HAVE to spend that exact day with the oldest daughter? Perhaps spending the 1/2 day on Christmas with the other two and then offering them the option to go with the next day to visit the other sister is a more reasonable solution.

Just remember that this isn't forever. The day is coming when the kids will be old enough to decide where they want to spend their holiday time.

Good luck!

My first thought was the children's mom had primed the kids to say what she wanted them to say. She could say things like "your dad is trying to make you choose, see him or see me on the holidays" I wish there was a solution to sharing the holidays...no telling how she got the kids to come up with this arrangement.

I know Judges around here take into consideration what older kids want. These kids are definantly old enough to talk to the Judge and let their wishes be known. Your husband is going to have to face the kids and their mom in court. Nothing can be done until the Judge changes that decree.