I have been remarried for five years. My husband has four children and I have three. From the get go things have been so very stressful. I kept thinking that time would help us blend and that my husband would come to love my children.
He never made me or my kids a priority- as he was constantly running his four in a million directions. I completely get that- as his stellar parenting of his four kids is what attracted me to him in the first place. I just thought - well he is busy and once we all live together it will get better. MISTAKE.
He has never really liked my boys. They can walk right up to him and ask him a question and he will look at them and walk away. He does at least say hello- now- as I have threaten to leave if he doesn't start. But, truly- it feels forced and fake and so contrived and for show. My nanny says when I am not there he doesn't speak to them.
Last October *(&^ hit the fan one night. I was asleep and he came into our room and woke me and asked me if I wanted him to move out. I was like what are you talking about?!?!? Apparently, my husband had been waiting in the hallway in the dark while one of my boys got up to go the bathroom. This kid has a very hard time sleeping and always has to go to the bathroom at night. Well when my son came down the hallway my husband tripped him and scared him!!!! My son freaked out (he is 12) and told my husband he couldn't wait to move out etc. Now, my husband is a very smart man- he is an attorney and can talk anybody out of anything. My child told me what happened the next day- but he said he was ok with everything and that "it didn't need to be discussed ever again"- strange words coming from a kid
My husband will fix lunch for his kids and not mine. He will come and get his kids for lunch in the summer- from our home and not invite mine. He will acknowledge their presence now- but because I have threaten to leave.
This doesn't feel right. My kids are the most important thing in my life. Has anyone else had something like this happen? I am ready to leave.
We have been to three therapists. They have all said, "blending a family is hard. It takes time!" " your husband is having a hard time blending! ". They have all made me feel like the crazy one. I cannot tell you what a master manipulator this man is. He kept telling me I was crazy and that my kids had such a poor example for father -and they kind of do- he is a playboy. So, I felt like, well maybe I have been too much of push over with them. I cannot explain this- other than I really thought he would be a great dad. You should see him with his own. But, really - they are scared and that is why they are so good. Yes, putting the puzzle together- there were red flags. I feel so dumb.
I want to say- I have done a good job at keeping my kids busy and away from him- for the most part. They are going to be upset about leaving- that is the main reason I have not left. My kids love his kids. My kids are sweet and fun lovingt. His children will be upset as well. This is hard. I love his children. I care deeply how this will affect everyone. But, yes I care about mine more - so I am leaving.
We left. We are with my sister and looking for a place. Thank you to everyone for your support. Many people do not understand how difficult it is to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. You have no idea how stupid and incompetent and crazy you feel. You live in a world of "I think I am losing my mind" and you start to second guess everything you do. You are convinced it is all your fault - and if you try harder - you can fix it- which is part of the control. We are in therapy and we are moving forward.
The day he stuck his foot out and deliberately tripped my kid would have been the day my kid and I moved out.
I would be out by the end of this week.
I would also keep my plans to myself and seek advice from a qualified, competent attorney.
Once I'm settled elsewhere with my children I'd get help for them. They're likely going to need it after this person's presence in their life.
1. There were flags all over the place telling you, that you shouldn't marry him.
2. There are flags all over the place, telling you that should not continue being married to him.
I'm sorry - you married him WHY? How could one marry a man who treated their kids like trash and think it would change once you married? Sorry. Things don't change just because you get married.
He sounds like the Devil and a silver-tongued one at that.
Set up nanny-cams in the house. Find out what's really going on. Don't tell the nanny. Don't tell the kids. Don't tell ANYONE. Why? Because this will give you ammunition against this silver-tongued devil....
Sounds like your husband had a "talk" with your son and convinced him that "it didn't need to be discussed again." I would take my son out and find out what REALLY happened. Tell him you will protect him and do the right thing by him. I'd like to know WHY your husband was waiting in the hall for your son....sounds like it was intentional.
On a side note - take your son to the pediatrician and tell him/her about his frequent urination - he might have juvenile diabetes - that's one of the "signs" - frequent urination.
If it doesn't feel right - what are you going to do to change it to MAKE IT RIGHT?
Good luck. You have a HUGE decision to make....don't know if counseling is going to work for this guy....so your kids or your marriage?
The Brady bunch you are not.
Why did you marry him?
I could never consider marrying someone who treated my kids as 2nd class citizens.
You are putting your kids through hell.
Divorce this guy, move out and get your kids away from him.
Do everyone a favor and don't marry again till you are finished raising them.
Check out this site. I was married to a man like this. He's my ex, thank God.
This helped me to realize that I needed to get out, because there was no changing a man who has no interest in changing. I was a prisoner in my own home, lost myself, and it took a long time to heal after leaving. Leave. Get yourself some counseling, and love on your kids.
ETA: Honestly, after looking over some of your old posts, your husband seems like a sociopath. I would get the hell out of there ASAP. Take exactly half of the money out of all accounts, pay off and close any joint credit cards, close any joint bills to force him to put them in his name. Close any loops that he could use to hurt you. File for divorce first and hire a smart attorney. Smarter than him. Best of luck to you.
He is an abusive bastard and you need to leave NOW. NOW NOW NOW. My mother was married to a man for 3 months and he was seriously wacky. Luckily she left before major damage was don. You need to get out NOW. Talk to a woman's shelter, get help to make a plan, and leave. He will not change. You weren't dumb, you just didn't see it when it was happening in little pieces. Now you see the big picture. Good job taking a stand.
Trust yourself and trust your feelings. I seldom say this, but in your case I do not think you should plan on a happily ever after with this man. He is an attorney and yes manipulative so I suggest you out fox him and get yourself together for your sanity and childrens sake and find your way out the door. People like this are dangerous and oftentimes get away with it. So you will have to work behind the scenes. Start saving some separate money. I have told people before twenty dollars a week in your socks or some good hiding place- if you can can get you out when you need to.If you have a nanny you are possibly more flexible than most in your movement. Check out your bank accounts. Whose names? Do you have to have his authorization on everything? I didn't read your profile but if you aren't educated with a suitable living start taking classes. You are in the drivers seat of your own life. The next time he 'trips' someone he could accidently put that person in the hospital and it could possibly be you. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
It's too late for counseling for you and him. He obviously will not change, and sounds like a dangerous person. He doesn't seem to care or love any of you, so why stay? What's keeping you there? It can be scary to think about leaving and actually do it, but it's even scarier is what will probably happen to all of you if you stay. LEAVE!
You need to take action, if not for your own self, but for your kids! They did not choose this man to be their step father, you chose for them. Your kids even being around him is damaging. They most likely feel hated, and discouraged because of the way he treats them, and the way they see him treat you. It's not fair to them to keep them there. LEAVE!
I can guarantee all of you will feel so much happier after you do. Please for the sake of your kids, just leave him. He is bad news.
Anyone who cannot love my kids, has no place being in our lives. You raise them to be compassionate, loving people, who have self respect and all the rest. We do our best. But if your kids are not feeling all of that, or seeing it, then you might worry about who they will be when they are adults. Sadly, turning out like him. It's a vicious cycle, and only YOU can get out of it. Have the courage to say enough is enough, and be done.
I hope you find the strength to leave him, and to do it smart. Everyone here has given great advice and first steps to take. Please take their advice and get away from this man.
I'm sorry that my advice may not be helpful...but I would not have married a man thinking/hoping he would change and like my kids. My kids are my #1 priority and if my husband and I were to split, I would never give anyone else the time of day who wasn't interested in spending time with my kids. They are a part of me and would have to be accepted as such. It sounds like you fell in love with him partly because of the kid of dad he is, but he can't extend that to your children as well.
I can understand how hard that can be and how long it can take, but it doesn't sound like he is trying if this has been going on 5 plus years.
I think you have to decide between your kids and your husband...making it black and white here. My kids would win every single time.
From the little you've said, he seems like a narcissist to me. Good luck!
A. S.,
ETA: Just read that you are leaving. Do not tell him--yet! He's an attorney and knows all the legal tricks, so you're already at a disadvantage there. I had a friend who was married to a high-profile attorney, and when they divorced, he made it quite difficult for her to retain the best representation due to his extensive contacts. If you know of any excellent divorce attorneys who are not associates of or friends with your husband, contact them. Ask your friends (but only friends you know will keep this to themselves) for referrals to outstanding attorneys. Don't let yourself get railroaded. If he doesn't care about you and your kids while in the marriage, he will be vicious during a divorce. Don't be obvious about taking money out now; he'll know what's coming and will be miles ahead of you. Secure some funds a little at a time while you are in the process of finding an attorney. Then, he/she will advise you how to go from there.
ORIGINAL:
I am so sorry to hear what is happening with your family. As a step-parent, it is especially disheartening. I love my step-children with all of my being, and although I did not give birth to them, that has no bearing on the love I have for them. I can't imagine treating children the way you describe your husband treating his step-children.
Blending does take around 3 years (just an average---some families a little less, and some a little more), but for him to act in the way you've detailed is dismissive, disrespectful, and just plain mean. Sure, there are two sides to every story, but to be so cold and uninterested in parenting your children is just inexcusable at this point in your marriage.
How long were you in therapy? Why did you stop? Have you talked with your husband and asked him how committed he is to making your marriage and family work? Hint: if it's anything less than, "I'll do whatever it takes," then I'm afraid there is little chance of this working. I hope I am wrong, but if he is not willing to incorporate your children into your family, then it's like two separate families living under one roof.
It will only get worse with time. Have that talk with him, and see where your marriage and family stand in his priorities.
Wishing you the best with this.
J. F.
Hello: I was a child who grew up in a situation that was similar to yours. My stepfather treated me "different" than my sister (his) daughter. I learned to manage it but I lost a ton of respect for my mom (not him) because she allowed him to treat me that way. I know that leaving is not always convenient and sometimes it is not even an option, but your husband really does need to be put on notice about disrespecting your kids.
Best to you,
C.
You should leave. Today. If you don't, your kids are going to resent you forever. I worked with a woman who was married 3 times, and always put her love life ahead of her kids and their needs. Now they're adults and they have no relationship with her. She wonders why.
He IS a great parent...that is what attracted you to him. But he is ONLY a great parent to his own darlings...and not a good husband to you. I understand...you were looking for a daddy for your kids. I get it. But...it is rare to find another person who will take on someone else's kids and treat and love them like their own. I have only seen it happen once in my life. All the other stories are sad stories...alot like your own.
For me, I really think being alone to raise our kids is much better after a divorce. Then when kids are grown and out of the house I would seek my own love life.
Why are you so scared to leave him?? He will not take your kids from you..you will not have to share custody with him. You are already living separate lives in the same house...so go live somewhere else and enjoy some peace while raising your kids.
As your kids get older...it is going to get worse. Your boys will start getting mouthy with this man and stand up for themselves and for their M.. Then you REALLY will see all hell break loose. They will not just take his "it doesn't need to be discussed every again" mantra. Your kids will fight back and find somewhere else to be as much as possible so they don't have to be home with this man. Please don't force your kids into that situation.
A home should be a loving place where kids can find refuge from bullies....not a place where they are forced to go live with one and show respect to one.
Get your ducks in a row. Make a plan. Get out. Do you have family or close friends who will help you get back on your feet? Do you have a job? These are things to make happen so you can go.
You say you are ready to leave. If you are looking for some back up then I think you have it here...we are saying "GO!!" I am not one that supports a knee jerk reaction to divorce. But, you have been trying for 5 years and nothing is changing, he is not your kids' father and he is being cruel to your children. This is definitely a circumstance that warrants cutting your losses and just moving on.
Please don't get married until your kids are grown and out of the home.
Get your kids away from this bully! If you don't protect them, who will?
You need to hurry and leave while your oldest son is still nice. If keeps getting mistreated he will be one angry young man!
Get your kids out of there!
The man is abusive!
Get your ducks in a row and get out!
Your husband is a jerk. It's one thing to try and have a hard time adapting to a blended family. It's another issue entirely when the parent is treating their new stepkids like dirt.
Sorry to say it, but you'd be better off with out him. He sounds like a total a-hole to me.
Blending a family also takes effort, not just time. It sounds like there is no effort beyond his children. It also sounds like this has been an ongoing struggle with balancing all the kids. Do you do as much for his kids as you do yours or is it divide and conquer and basically two households under one roof?
While it will be hard to break up a family, is it any better to stay in a place where your husband scares your son and wakes you to ask if you are leaving? It sounds antagonistic. I think you should drop the expectation that he will love them. You don't even have like right now. He may never love them or love them as much as his own children (I fully admit I love my daughter more than my stepkids - but they also love their mother more than me. It's just how humans sometimes are) BUT he can be civil. He can acknowledge them. He can interact with them. Is your husband a smart man or a manipulative man?
There are also bad therapists out there. I once went to one who was more concerned about her decorating than my struggles. Perhaps you should seek counseling on your own as you will need support to navigate your next steps. And if they said he's having a hard time, is that all they said? Did they give him any work to do? Or was it shrugged off?
If you want to try to save this marriage, I would suggest marriage counseling and then also family counseling. This has been a very poor environment to have your kids live in for the past five years. If you want to leave, I would find a great divorce lawyer and have a preliminary meeting. There are probably some things you should be gathering in advance of filing for divorce. Good luck!
I am not sure why you would marry a man who never made you or your kids a priority and doesn't like your kids. However, that ship has sailed.
Why was your husband "waiting in the hall, in the dark"? Was it solely to trip and scare your 12 year old who doesn't sleep well? If so, something is VERY wrong. If your son said he can't wait to move out it sounds like your son is ready to move out (whether it be you and your son or just your son I don't know the intent)...however, it sounds like your husband and son had more words than that and your hubby probably said something like "No one is moving and I don't want to hear this again or ELSE".
If you plan to stay, I would think changes need to be made. It's one thing to have special time with his kids, just as you should have special time with yours, but he should be willing to interact with your children and have some special time with them too. Any man or woman who is not willing to stepup and be a parent to their stepchildren, should NEVER get involved with someone who already has kids...PERIOD. It doesn't matter if they are great parents to their own children or if the other biological parent is still very present....if they don't want to treat that child as their own they are not worthy of being a step-parent. They at the very least should be up front about that and give the parent the option to make the right choice and not get involved.
Oh H to the NO!! I would leave this heartless insensitive and manipulative man! I would never be married to a man who treated my children this way! NEVER!
Your babies come first love and if this man cannot show your kids love and respect, pack your bags, gather your love bugs and get the heck outta dodge!
Your children are the innocent ones here, they didn't do anything wrong! It is your job to protect them!
Good luck!
Your one other question was about a step mother. I don't wish your luck with step-parents on anyone! Very dramatic story. Especially when the perfect father trips a child on purpose. An attorney even!
Oy vey!
nothing like this has ever happened to me or anyone i know. but i do know, i would have been outta there long ago. you don't love him nor do you need him.
Doesn't feel right? That's because it ISN"T right. You have been married for five years. You, your husband and all the kids are no longer adjusting to a blended family. This is just how life is. If after five years, this man doesn't even acknowledge your children, he is never going to. I can't believe you have exposed them to this kind of treatment for five years. You should have realized you made a mistake and been out of there in six months.
If you have to threaten to leave your husband for him to acknowledge your children's existence, then you might as well just leave. If he loved you, he'd make an effort with your kids.
Why have you put off dissolving this marriage for five years, and why are you still putting it off now? You are talking about something that happened last October, a year ago, thinking it was the final straw and you are still hemming and hawing and making excuses. You need to make a choice. Either leave, or don't and stop thinking about it.
