Step-son and Step-dad Relationship

i can't really offer much as there's no way i'd tolerate a man who was this shitty with one of my kids.
khairete
S.

I had stepparent issues with my husband. I think you should do whatever it takes to get to couples counseling. This should not be allowed to continue.

I'm not sure what your Christianity has to do with this, except that you and your husband don't agree on that either. It doesn't seem like your values have spilled over into your family life though, because there is no respect, and no peace.

Likewise, your son's weight has nothing to do with the situation either, unless he has low self-esteem (in which case "constantly getting on him" is certainly not helping).

So, for 9 years, you have had marriage problems, your husband has never truly gotten along with your son or agreed with your parenting, since your child was 5 (he's now 14). You've left but somehow come back "in the hopes of making it work." But what have you really done to make it work, besides go to church?

This situation cried out for major family counseling before you got married. For whatever reason, you chose a man who does not care for your son, and you continue to live in this family where you son has no good role models.

Get counseling - immediately. I'd say you could consider a pastor, except your husband and you do not agree on one most likely. So get a referral from your doctor, your husband's doctor, or the pediatrician. Your son needs immediate help from someone in his corner, and you need to figure out what holds you and your husband together. You're said nothing in this post that says anything about his good qualities. He criticizes your son, and your parenting, and he blames you for your son's behavior instead of looking inward. I find it very disturbing that people who say their religion is so important can't actually include love, compassion, understanding and self-reflection in their family lives. You need expert, objective advice over a long period of time to undo the 9 years of damage, stress and trauma. Please don't delay.

Your 2 daughters are fine, you think? No they aren't. They are growing up in a house where their mother is criticized and their father is choosing favorite children. That's not a recipe for healthy relationships with men when they are older or for a sense of self-worth themselves.

My heart just broke for your son. Your husband's behavior towards your son would be a deal breaker for me.

This has been going on for 9 years (since your son was 5 yrs old).
I'm not seeing how anything is going to change.
Your sons childhood has pretty much been screwed.
I'm not saying that it is the definitive reason for your sons weight issues but it could very well be a contributing factor.
This situation with his step dad has got to be taking a toll on his self esteem.
Seeing as you'd rather stay with the father of your daughters than go without a man, the only hope for your son is to prepare to move out on his own once he's old enough.
The thing is - even though he doesn't get along with step dad - they've been together long enough that your son has a very good chance of repeating his step dads behavior in his own adult relationships and with his future kids.
He sees this as what passes for 'normal'.
The age range for kids to have Big Brother is 7 yrs to 14 yrs - so your son has missed that particular opportunity for a better male role model.
Blending a family has got to be one of the hardest things to do and yours hasn't blended that well in 9 years.
Some family counseling might help to make things better until your son is ready to move out.

Well, I understand why you are at your wit's end.

You are with a man who doesn't respect your parenting style and openly criticizes you, and he neglects your son unless he's correcting him. And he opposes your choice of church.

Just wondering - what are the pluses? I don't mean to be harsh, but I can understand why you've wanted to leave in the past. I would have too.

I actually think it's worse he gets along with your daughters. That's just a very sad way for your son to have to grow up.

You mention you returned in hopes of making it work. What kind of steps did you try in the past?

The obvious suggestion is therapy - for you and your husband. But I think ultimately you need to make a decision. If you want to try therapy first and see if your husband can change - try that. But something's got to give. Your son shouldn't have a father figure like this. It's not healthy - his self esteem will tank. I know you realize this and there's more to a marriage than just the kids, but that's pretty big.

If your husband doesn't go to therapy with you, by all means, go by yourself. Sometimes working through these emotions with an impartial party helps clarify things.

Good luck :)

I can only go by what you've written here, but if it is as cut and dried as you say, your husband is failing as a step-parent and failing in the adult responsibility he took on when he married you.

I'm not Christian, but I know enough to realize your husband isn't acting in a very Christian-like way.

Children need boudaries, guidance, appropriate discipline, attention, and LOVE to flourish. What has your husband done to help your son flourish?

Your husband accepted the responsibility of parenting WITH you when he married you. For him to ignore your child and never try to develop a relationship with him is utterly wrong and irresponsible.

This has been going on for 9 years. You have a few years left with your son to help him along the way before sending him out into the world. Do you want to launch him into adulthood like this?

I don't like to suggest counseling as a blanket panacea, but in this case, because things have gone on for so long, and because your son's well-being is at stake, the best thing would be to get yourself into counseling. It would be even better if you husband would go, too, but if he refuses, make sure you get there and learn how to help your son and perhaps resolve some of the multiple marital issues you mention.

By the way, if it helps lend any credibility to what I say, I am a step-mom, and I love my step-children with all of my heart. When you marry someone with children, you must accept that duty, responsibility, and honor.

Please, find a great family therapist and get working on this while you still have time. Don't let any more years pass with this kind of negativity in your house.

Best to you

J. F.

Leave for good this time.
That would be the damn day ANY man would torture my child.
Sorry--he sounds like an immature jackass to me.

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to say this - I can't help but wonder why on earth you'd marry a man that didn't get along with/adore your kids? Is this a new development?

For the sake of your question and my own peace of mind I'm going to assume that when you got married he got along great, with all the kids.

I think the best way to handle this is to go to family counseling. He is 14, he's old enough to help work on this as part of the family. Plus then the counselor could see how all of you interact. I know it's a tall order but I just don't see any other option. Your husband should be your partner and the two of you should make life easier for each other - he is doing the opposite. And that is no marriage at all. If the counseling doesn't work I just don't have any other advice. You've GOT to take care of your son and right now you have him in a toxic situation. Although I would just throw in there that you will have to be honest in your dealings with your son, too. Do you have clear boundaries that you stick to? 14 is a tough age. Is it possible you ARE caving to him more than you should, either by nature or because of his step-father's behavior? Rarely is something just one person. On the other hand, it's rarely exactly 50-50 either. I feel like your husband is being extremely selfish and immature and making things way worse.

I'm sorry to inform you but your husband is not a good Christian. He is not a loving man he is an abuser and a control freak. IMO he has broken his marriage vows to you -- the way he treats you is not love -- and he vowed to love you and your children.

Time to leave and make a loving home for you and your children.

I'm a happily divorced mom of one 12 yr old son. My son is a permanent part of the package .
You don't get me without getting him also. Like it or leave it. Simple enough.
From what I've read of your post I don't think your husband has put in any effort to bond with your son. I don't see that he's accepted him. I think children love boundaries set and structure etc but all of that without love and acceptance that comes from bonding...the only thing that comes out of it is resentment.
I feel bad for your son. He's not getting a good example at all from the only other male in the home. :(
Maybe get counseling as a family together. But definitely your husband for sure.....

I think you need to regret continuing going back to this man - that's what I think you're going to regret. Even if your son is a mess, your husband is WORSE.

Get a backbone and LEAVE and don't go back. Get a divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Don't let him know you're leaving until you and your lawyer are ready. Then DO IT. No going back.

Any man who treats his step-child like this is not worth living with. Period.

I gotta say that if you stay with him, you will lose your son very quickly when he is old enough to leave. He may never be willing to come back to your home. AND you are teaching him that women are supposed to put up with this from their husbands. He will treat his own children like this. Is that what you want for your grandkids?

He certainly doesn't sound very Christian to me.
What does your pastor say?

Your first responsibility is to your son. With or without a man in your life, YOU are his mother.
If your husband cannot deal with the fact that YOU are the final authority on parenting your son, then it needs to be over. Take your son and go. You will both be happier. Been there, done that.

I am guessing that what you see as "getting on him", your husband might see as simple discipline. Teenagers can be hard, if he sees you letting the child get away with things he may fear for the kind of man he will become (I am not saying he is right or wrong in this, it is just how your story makes me think he might be viewing things). Have you tried family counseling? It can be very hard on a relationship when the parents do not agree on how to parent, it sounds like you need to have a really clear talk about what you both expect from your children and from each other as parents. If he has been there for the past 9 years he has been raising this boy for most of his life and certainly deserves some consideration in how he is parented.
I think you need to have a long talk and maybe both find ways to compromise so you can get on the same page.

I can not respond about the church thing, I know I certainly would not want to be forced to go to a certain church because my spouse liked it if it did not meet my needs. I would rather us go to separate places of worship then have either of us compromise our beliefs.

Going to church does not make your hubby a Christian. He does not have a charitable heart; he does not practice tolerance and acceptance. He is NOT a Christian!

I can't imagine letting selection of a church ruin my home life. I have a very spiritual relationship with my God; doesn't matter what building (church) I go to.

Since he seems to like his church so well, why don't you set up a counseling appointment with HIS pastor. If he won't go or goes and then balks at what is said, then it's definitely time to leave (for good!)

Your husband is clearly jealous. My thinking is that although you differ on some things, if you are simply trying to make peace why don't you try to join him at his church of choice? I understand there might be history at the other church, but someone needs to bend and if you are able to do so go along,
Next, your son sounds like my younger son and my husband. He was also chubby, off and on and is living back in the home. I sense at times the same kind of jealousy I am mentioning here and it is more similar to sibling rivalry then father son conflict. My husband has several brothers Like you I think I am just very sensitive to it. I think your husband is wrong. You are doing a fine job. He gets along with the girls, well probably because they are girls, whereas son is a bigger rival for your affection. I would repeat, (and do this myself) discussing this with your husband rationally when your son is not around you-not in front of him and ask him to try to back off some. Perhaps it won't completely stop, but I have seen it help about fifty percent. And make it clear that you are always madly in love with your husband -you simply prefer to use a positive approach to motivate your son, not correct your child on everything. It helped in my home, very helpful to let your husband feel he is united with you but that you both acknowledge that you feel differently at times.

Your husband needs to back off of your son. Period.
It doesn't matter which church you go to.....the point is what your religion
teaches you. He doesn't sound very Christian.
I know a man like this. He was mean to his kids & the boys don't talk to him
anymore!!
The next time your husband tell you you're taking your son's side, you say
"yes, I am. He's a child. You're an adult & should not act like an ogre towards him". Your job is to protect your son.
It does not matter one wit if your son is overweight & isn't popular. I was not overweight ever, made friends easily, had a lot of friends but wasn't Mrs.
Popular. That is not the judge of anything.

If I lived in your house, I'd be overweight, use food as my escape because of your husband & would love when he wasn't home. And I'm a girl.

You will not regret taking your son's side. It will not make him grow up to be a bad person. You're sheltering him from your overbearing husband. What you do teach your son is morals, values, how to take care of himself, how to save money, watch out for strangers etc.

If you stay in this marriage, you need to stand up to your husband & tell him to quit being an ogre & treating your child like this as you will not stand for it.
You protect your child. Plan for the future (money in your savings acct in your name only), be sure you have a good job, have things in your name etc.

Best wishes for you and your kids!