Step Daughter Drama

You sound very angry with this child. I can tell you, my own 11 year old girl is very loving, but extremely manipulative. It is just her way. She is selfish and self centered and will do things to upset her brother, just to get attention. We work on these behaviors all the time and I love her deeply, but it is how she deals with the world around her. She is biologically mine, she does it specifically with me more than anyone else. You seem to think she's doing this TO YOU. I think she's doing this because she's an 11 year old girl who has always done it to get her way. In this one post, you've called her a pain in the arse, some bratty kid, selfish, manipulative, self centered, and a dozen other insults. I don't have an answer for you, because my daughter exhibits the same behaviors. But I would never in a million years consider sending her away, and if your step daughter's father considered choosing you over his child, I would consider him an unfit father. She is a child who needs love, compassion, discipline, and attention. If she needs help, then get her help. But don't do it in an effort to make her who you want her to be. Do it to help her be the best "sally" she can be. She deserves better than her step mother calling her "some brat" "pain in the arse."

You're in a difficult situation and I feel for you! But please, understand that you are the one sounding selfish here.

ETA: based on your SWH. I'm sorry - your SWH explained very little. You are basically saying the desire to send the child away comes from your husband, but I couldn't be with a man who was so heartless and inept - it's his child. He needs to step up and be a man. You took her off all meds. Where did you get your medical degree? How do you know that is right for her? That is probably part of why she's gotten worse! And so what if you never told her she ran off the first step mom? If it was told to you, you still knew it. You sound a little less harsh since you know where she's coming from, but then again, when you were 11, having lost a mother, I doubt you would have done better, being called names by your stepmother. And seriously, I find it really strange that you asked your older kids what they want to be called when you talk about them on the internet??? Really? When I discuss my kids on this site, I hope they'll never know it because I need to speak openly about them. Are you suggesting they know you post about them here and what they're called? That's really insensitive and unbelievable.

So, this bratty, pain in the arse, selfish, and self centered 11 year old is the problem?
uh....no. YOU ARE.
This child has lost her mother to death. Then there was another wife that ran away, and now there is ANOTHER wife with her own two kids that has come in to interrupt her life.
How about you take a look at her life from HER perspective? She is SCREAMING for some attention, love, and acceptance.
You could become this child's friend if you were willing to put in the work.
You don't need to send her away. Your HUSBAND needs to embrace her, love her, talk with her, settle her fears, and get this girl into counseling.
It's easier to blame the child then it is to look within yourself to see what YOU could be doing to make this better.
She is a child and she needs the people that are supposed to love her and cherish her to prove it.
L.

That "bratty kid" is your husband's daughter and therefore if you want to stay married to him I suggest some counseling, for ALL of you. I can only imagine what it's like to be a little girl who's only 11 years old and is already on her third mother.
You're the adult here, if you can't handle the situation then it's time to seek professional help.

Sending her away? Seriously? What a sh*tty thing to even think, honestly. I hope that what you wrote here reflects your frustration and not your true character. Because if that's your character, you're not cut out for step-motherhood. At all.

Please get some family therapy to help all of you. Clearly your husband is responsible for much of this. I'm sorry but you married a guy who is far too quick to put his own needs first and do what's easiest for him. If she's 11 now and you have been with him for 4 years and his first wife died when the kids were young, then there were only a few years between the first wife and you and he managed to date, marry and divorce another woman? Shame on him for putting his little kids through that.

This girl is hurting and in desperate need for compassionate, loving, consistent parenting. You sound like you've given up and thrown her away already and she's just a child. As a step-parent, you are in the unique, special and powerful position to be one of the most influential people in this girl's life, and to influence her father to be the parent he needs to be. It's great that he's waking up and seeing that his own behavior towards his daughter is hurting her and not helping. The next step is to get all of you in family therapy to have a neutral third party help you to understand all the dynamics you're working with, how you are ALL responsible for this mess and how you ALL have a role in fixing it.

My oldest son is my husband's step-son and their relationship can be so strained at times that it's heartbreaking. I failed in choosing a good step-father for my son and there's really nothing I can do to make up for that other than try - with professional help - to make their relationship as good as it can be. As a step-mother of an older girl (my SD is 15) myself, I understand that the dynamic between a step-mom and step-daughter can be difficult but everything you write about her is cold and hostile. I'm sure she picks that up from you and rightly hates you for it. You need to own your part in this and stop blaming this poor child for everything.

Bottom line? You and your husband are adults. HELP HER.

ETA After your SWH. She's not the only one who needs therapy. YOU ALL DO. Dad most especially. What a winner that guy is, eh? Send her off to a girls' school to make up for his failure to parent? He's the one who needs to change most of all. He's the one who owes this child so much more than he has given her. Please find a good FAMILY therapist ASAP. And get all of her past therapy notes and diagnoses over to whoever you work with so that she or he can see the WHOLE picture.

So when you say "we" are tired of the manipulation and "we" really don't know what to do...
I'm hearing "I" don't like this...

Sorry, but it takes two and you sound like the wicked step mother here. "the break we used to get from her..."? Poor kid. Kids that act like that are struggling and flailing out of control. The one person in her life who should be there for her unconditionally has chosen to be with a woman who doesn't like her. I don't blame her for getting worse, not better.

Therapy. And not just for her. For you.

ETA: By the way, it occurs to me - as someone else pointed out, you've been with him 4 years, so she was 7 when you married. You're claiming that before that she "ran off" another step mother. So... either you knew she was difficult when you married him, so you accepted her and that situation. OR you didn't know she was difficult, which means you didn't even take the time to get to know her before marrying her father. Either way, she lost. Understanding that, I feel even more sorry for her.

Therapy. How young is young? Because my husband remembers things from when he was 2 years old. If her mother was alive into her toddler years even, she DOES remember her, even if it's not specific. She remembers that someone was there who loved her and took care of, and then was gone. You said it yourself, she doesn't care. That doesn't sound healthy.

This does not excuse her behavior. Her dad letting this go on for years without dealing with it is also partially responsible. Family therapy might be helpful. I don't know how you'd go about this, but something has to give somewhere. I wish you the best.

Find a good family therapist that you can all talk to, both individually and together. She may very well be a very difficult child, but your attitude about her is also very very dysfunctional. You all need some help.

First I think the girl could probably use some therapy...she needs a safe place to get out all the feelings she has abut her dad remarrying and having to share him with the second wife and now share him with you.

I am biased...my mother died, and my dad remarried...and my step-mom from day one after the marriage (not at all before) has demanded to be ALWAYS #1 in my dad's life, period end of the sentence. She somehow got it in her head that I was out to come between them and that I wanted to be #1 in his life and make him choose between her and myself. So, everything I said and did was viewed through her distorted lens that I was trying to manipulate and be a pain in their (her) arse. So no matter what I did was viewed with suspicion and some contempt.

It was tempting to become what she wanted me to be...it was very very tempting to actually become manipulative and play her...but you know what...I am and was a grown adult when all this happened. So, I am a bit too mature to do to her what was very tempting to do...

I now have very very little to no relationship with my dad...we visit on the phone, but he is putting her number one always and that means not seeing me or his grandchildren.

I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have actually lived under the same roof with my step-mother as a child or adolescent. I think I would have been miserable...I was totally a daddy's girl growing up, and my mom thought that was great and encouraged us to be close. She would not have at all...

Send your SD some place to get out her frustrations and feelings...you go and separately get out your frustrations and feelings.

Also, she is only eleven now...you have a long long next ten or more years of her living with you guys (if she is around during college)...and this is nothing compared to what the teen years will be like.

If your husband sided with you to send her away I would be so disappointed in a man that would give up his first responsibility his daughter (she was there first and is not an adult able to stand on her own) and send her away to please you. You got there second...he needs to put her needs first, and get her help, she is hurting, and needs help...you are an adult you can seek your own help.

I am sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear...but I am too able to see her side of things and not so much yours...

Sigh...that poor little girl. She wants her M. and will never get her. But instead dad keeps finding love and moving on..and on.. She will resent any woman that comes into her daddy's life. Sorry..just the fact of life.

This little girl needs help!! Get into family counseling. But, first off it would help to get more love and understanding under her own roof. Don't blame her for the break up of the second marriage...that is just plain cruel.

She is acting out because she hurts, feels unloved and is treated like a "bratty girl".

Please don't be the wicked step mother we see all too often in story books. Be the loving, forgiving and tender female she needs and deserves in her life. She feels it is a hers against yours situation with the kids in the house.

All children are selfish, self centered and manipulative. Whipping her butt will only make her turn on you even more. Please stop beating her. Also, all the punishments will not help her. SHE NEEDS LOVE!! Yes..I just used all caps. She needs to be made to feel special and that she has worth in the family.

This little girl will turn to more ways to get back at you and her daddy as she grows up. Get her help now. Get your family help now. It is going to be hard but that is what you signed up for when you entered this marriage.

After your so what happened I must add.

Mental health care does not at some point just end. It is like your physical health, it is a lifetime of care and check ups.

Your Step daughter is in terrible pain mentally and emotionally. She is lashing out, she is hurting and she is too young to understand all of the whys. She does not have the capacity to just "act right". You and your husband also do not have these skills. You have a love and a want to help her, but that is just not enough at this point. It is an excellent start.

You and your husband are not trained professionals. You are people that love her and want what is best, but if this child had cancer and you did not like the treatment, you would not just stop with the doctors and medications, you would continue to find the right health care for her.

Mental health is just as serious. This child is not like other children. She is living a different life than most other children. She has special needs.
If you do not have time or do not have the desire to find the help she needs, ask your husband or ask another relative to take this on.

Imagine she were your biological child, and you have died, and this child is suffering, what would you want to happen to this child? This is what your step daughter needs. Her heart is bleeding.

You , your husband and this young lady need family counseling and fast.

There is a lot going on here and I am going to bet it has a lot to do with what this girl needs.

She is not used to women being considered head of the family along with her father.

She needs a stable family and her father needs to help set up these rules. He can do this by telling her, you are his wife and this is not going to change. He will always love his daughter, but he has enough love for wife also,

A real family includes every one having responsibilities, each person taking responsibility for their behaviors, but also allowed to share their feelings and needs without judgement.

Find a family counselor ASAP. Make the time for this. You can make this work. Remember, she is still just a child. She is immature anyway, but to have also lost a parent sets her up for mental health problems, depression and anger make for a difficult life.

She ran another adult away? She's 11 you've been with her father for 4 years so what your saying is a seven year old (at that time) ran an adult off. Then you say She breaks MY daughters toys. Some BRATTY KID. Sounds like she's more of a problem for you. Because DEEP down you wish she wasn't there and she since's that. I had a step mother as well, and she made it VERY clear in her actions we weren't wanted in my fathers home. How about YOU see a counselor first after all your the adult. And after awhile take her with you. She is 11 and this can be a very difficult age for most girls with their mothers. Set up rules as a family, sign a contract, and make each child sign off the date and time this chore was completed. Then if she doesn't do it she will then have a set punishment. NO DISCUSSION. Also for a while only her father should be the one to enforce her punishments. Let Dad be the bad guy and you just work on building a REAL mother/daughter relationship. If she misbehaves and Dad has to deal with it all the time. He will start laying the law down more. Also when you become a parent you don't get BREAKS, you married a man with children and no mother. You chose to take that on. Did anyone ever ask these children what they wanted. NOPE mom dead, dad keeps bring diff. women in. Stop and look at it from a childs point of view.

Why hasn't your family tried counseling? Oh my heavens-- this child is being failed. Whipping her butt? Socially isolating her? I know stories like this and they don't usually turn out well.

The PARENTS are responsible for the health of their marriage, not the kid. If you think the daughter 'ran off' the last wife,well..... did your husband go get help first before they decided to call it quits? Being to blame for a divorce is a HUGE burden to saddle on a kid. Saying "We tried family counseling and individual counseling for a couple of years and still have a troubled child, so I'm walking away from this now..." THAT shows some level of an understanding of one's accountability. I'm not hearing that outside resources or therapy is being sought, so her underlying issues are not being addressed. Heaping punishment on her is certainly NOT solving the problem.

Your girl sounds very, very unhappy, but so do you. Why Scattered Wrecks? Is that what YOU feel YOUR life is like? Maybe counseling is the next step to help you change your perception of the world and your family.

Your husband is the first problem in that he lived in denial for so long. YOU ALL NEED HELP. Go get it.

Much of what you describe is common behavior at this age. Add her history and she is probably more difficult than a child who grew up in a stable home. You need help to learn ways to manage this behavior. I urge youand her father to find and work with a parenting coach. Meet weekly just the two of you before bringing your daughter into the sessions.

I also suggest you read Love and Logic by Foster Cline. He and others developed a way to discipline children with attachment issues. Their skills also work with children who are attached. I am guessing that your daughter has attachment issues. I suggest you read up on that.

Above all do not send her away. Doing so is likely to prevent her from ever being able to form a loving bond with someone. Before you consider sending her to girl's school get a psychological evaluation to determine what she needs. She may need to live elsewhere while you and her father build a more positive relationship with her. A regular girl's school will not be helpful.

I have a stepdaughter too, who is 12. We got together when she was 6.

I think your stepdaughter needs some serious daddy-daughter time. My SD is not really the manipulative type anymore, but she does tend to act up when she feels neglected by her father. I suggest your husband take her out on a daddy-daughter date. She needs to know the expectations you both have on her for this date-she needs to be polite, not demanding, etc. or the date ends immediately. I would make it a big deal, get her dressed up, and have them do something SHE wants to do.

With so many kids in the picture, it's easy to see how she could feel neglected. Kids who feel neglected act up for attention, and will become manipulative because they feel its the only option left. Sometimes the more you punish, the worse it gets.

I agree that therapy is in order. I also think that the entire family needs to sit down and each person needs to know their important role in the family.

I also think that when kids are punished, it doesn't help because they think that there's no use doing it because they've ALREADY been punished. I think that allowing them to earn back whatever it is they lost by completing the chore (or whatever) works much better.

Is she self-centered? Probably because she feels that no one else will look out for her. She needs to do some volunteer work.

I also wouldn't be so kind, I would be more honest. Not mean, honest. Let her know when you are frustrated with her. Kids know when you aren't being true anyway.

Please don't take too personally any comments on how you are "selfish" or YOU need to look in the mirror. It's HARD to be a stepmom. HARD!! You are just a person, not a superhuman, and you have more expectations placed on you than a regular mom. You have to know when to step UP, when to step BACK; if you take over too much then you are "controlling" but if you don't do it enough then you don't care or are placing your bio kids first. I KNOW!! Stepkids have issues, some of them are not of your making and are not of your control and yet you are expected to be the "perfect" mom at all times because of course you are not allowed to have any feelings of your own! Take those comments with a grain of salt.

Get your SD some therapy and some extra REAL attention and love. Attention that is not based on her behavior, but based on the fact that you love her.

Good luck! It's not easy, but God chose YOU to be her stepmom and to guide her footsteps.

Sounds like you step daughter has emotional issues with the loss of her mother (or the idea of her mother) and doesn't know how to express this, much less cope very well with it. Acting out may very well be her way of protecting herself and not letting anyone too close for fear of losing them And she may very well have anger/resentment issues from the loss as well. Imagine how we feel when we lose anyone very close to us, alot of times we initially want to ask God why, and why our loved one, because we feel that great sense of loss in our own life, although we do have memories. Children don't always have as many ,if any, depending on how young they were at the time of loss, she may feel cheated that she didn't have the time to make those memories or build a relationship with her mom. I'd try counseling for her by herself, and for you as parents/family,. You can start with the Guidance Counselor at school or your pastor for resources. Have her Dad speak to her from the heart about how she feels about losing her mom.
She may also act out because this is her way of controlling what happens in her life (to some degree) as opposed to not having control over losing her mom. She may be upset that Dad has to be shared with other family members and she may feel upset becaus eshe believes that he may come to love someone more than her ,which wouldn't be the case ,but, she needs to feel secure in her relationship with her father before she can build a relationship with you.
Sometimes we have to step back and look at things from the perspective- WHY someone does/ says the things they do, versus them just doing/saying those things. You can't fix it ,if you don't take steps to figure out why and correct the why , or at least make it better. The WHY doesn't make it right or justify the bad behavior but, it does help to understand why they do what they do. Just looking at things from a different perspective !
I also understand why you said some of the things you said about her ,and it is understandable, enough is enough, just be careful who you share those thoughts with, as you can see here , you'll be criticized, The Truth is all kids can be brats at one time ot another, it doesn't define who they are , it's thats part of the process of growing up and testing the water at times to see what will happen. It doesn't mean you love or care about her any less, it means it's driving you nuts ! Raising children isn't easy ,nor do they come with instructions,.... you do the best you can with what you know , and ask others about their experience so you can know more ! It also doesn't make you less of a person to want to vent, just be careful about saying negative things to the child as this may give her more ammo to act out or justify her feelings and behavior. Best of Luck, C. S.
I know it's not easy, but, there is hope, you just have to have faith and patience. Don't give into her ,have a family meeting and lay down the rules for everyone.

Well, I would probably act out too if my step mother thought of me as a "bratty kid". Kids aren't stupid. Your post comes off as though she is an annoyance, and I would imagine she can feel that to some degree, no matter how discrete you think you are. Dont get mad at her, put yourself in her shoes for a minute. She does not remember her mom and that makes dad even more important. She probably does feel jealous of you, and probably has felt that way about the other women. She is insecure about her fathers love, and YOUR love. She knows she is not your "real" kid, so she probably feels like an outsider in her own home. I am NOT saying this is your fault, I am simply saying that is most likely how she feels... its human nature. So she seeks attention in all the wrong ways. In addition to continuing the therapy, I would simply seek out ways for your family to operate as a family unit. Go on a weekend day trip somewhere. Take everyone out for a walk after work. Take everyone to get ice cream. Do anything, just do it all together, and dont center it 100% around the needs of the smaller kids. And also, she needs a Daddy date night big time. She needs 1x1 attention from her father. She needs to know she is worthy of his love, or she will see love from men in all the wrong ways for the rest of her life. I know its hard to be a mom and a step mom. But this is what you have accepted. Her behavior is telling you she needs help - dont be confused about the way it comes out, its still a cry for help, she is still a child.

I am just putting this out there as something to consider-- I don't have any personal knowledge, obviously. You mention in your so-what-happened that she has been to various therapists and also that she "would still be" on drugs walking around like a zombie. Have you considered that perhaps she just needed an adjustment to the dosage, or to try a different medication, rather than to discontinue meds completely? Sometimes kids need meds. But the same one doesn't work for everyone diagnosed with the same condition. People respond differently to meds, and sometimes just an adjustment in the dosage can make a big difference.

Just a thought.

Sending her away is the worst possible thing you and your husband could EVER do. Think about it-she's a little girl whose mother died, then step mother left, and now new stepmother is considering sending her away. Every mother figure she has ever had has left her. It sounds like she's scared to love you because what if you leave? She's pushing everyone away through manipulation and bad behavior. She needs some serious help and unconditional love.

Definitely therapy, individual for her and for you, as well as family. This wounded little girl is crying out for love and understanding, not punishment.

Also, you and your husband could take a Love and Logic Parenting class that would really help you to know how to discipline effectively.

Has her father tried therapy? Maybe some of her behavior is acting out at you because you are around and her mother isn't? If she was the oldest, she might have some memory that the other kids don't. My sister barely remembers our father, but I do and that has caused problems because she doesn't know first hand what happened.

Bottom line is if you can't convince him to try therapy, then you need to decide what your line in the sand is.

I read your post and your SWH. Since she has been in therapy, you know what that's like. The question I have is, why is there yelling in your house? Didn't the therapist tell you that yelling is counterproductive?

You may NOT be able to stop the lies and manipulation. But NOW your husband knows you aren't the bad guy and that SHE is the one doing the lying. It's like the little boy who cried wolf - the day comes that she is really telling the truth, no one will believe her.

Get a baby sitter to only watch her. Have the other kids go to the grandparents. That way you'll get a break. If she doesn't do a chore, she doesn't get privileges. You tie privileges to chores accomplished. If she breaks a toy that belongs to another child, she loses a privilege that ISN'T tied to chores.

You don't argue with her. You ignore most negative behavior. You give her positive reinforcement when she does what you want. As soon as you see her being manipulative, "turn off". Walk away. She wants you to pay attention to her drama, and when she is acting this way, don't give her what she wants. Have a "look" or a word that you and your husband share with each other that is the sign for "manipulative", and do this TOGETHER. When she doesn't get to cause problems between you two anymore, this behavior of hers will cease to be fun and it won't work anymore for her. It will instead "cost" her.

You don't get to send her away. You might love your husband, but HE is responsible for her and he cannot stop being her father. Yes, he's already lost one wife. If he has any brains at all, he had BETTER stand with you UNITED and see her actions for what they are before he loses you too.

Now, go to family counseling together without her. Her therapist KNOWS what she's about. Unless she's snowing the therapist, you should be able to get good advice as a married couple on how to parent her.

Shoot, hun, you mentioned you're his third wife and this girl's only 12/11. I think more then anything she needs therapy. Now! She's even managed to do what she wanted (run a woman away from her daddy), she's more determined now that she knows she can do it. She needs help.

Since your husband sees the issue make sure you are together in everything. A united front that she can not turn against one another.

Hi, M18:

I believe this child is a reflection of you.
"she is very selfish and self centered." "...I also love my husband and am not willing to lose him over some bratty kid." "Pain in the arse is what they meant."

The child is teaching you that you have a problem.

She is the scapegoat of the family.

Find a Narrative therapist in or around your area and try that.
Good luck
D.

First you need to start fostering her relationship with her father. That is her only stability as you said most of the women figures have left. Drama needs some one on one with her father. No other kids. she is at that age where even my daugther at 12 is pushing the limit because she is a pre teen. The thing is my daughter knows she is in a save and stable enviroment. she knows her mom loves her. Instead of trying the extremes try just doing the day by day and when youi say your daughter's toys why dont you say her sister's toys? Makes me think you do not consider her part of yoru family yet you expect her to act like she is.?

Updated

First you need to start fostering her relationship with her father. That is her only stability as you said most of the women figures have left. Drama needs some one on one with her father. No other kids. she is at that age where even my daugther at 12 is pushing the limit because she is a pre teen. The thing is my daughter knows she is in a save and stable enviroment. she knows her mom loves her. Instead of trying the extremes try just doing the day by day and when youi say your daughter's toys why dont you say her sister's toys? Makes me think you do not consider her part of yoru family yet you expect her to act like she is.?

What are your options, really?
Sending a child away is not an option. She is a CHILD and she cannot be discarded.
Perhaps her father needs to be the only one that deals with all the issues rather than you being the disciplinarian.
How does she behave at school? I think my next step would be to meet with the school counselor and get a recommendation for family counseling. You and your family need some tools on how to deal with this situation, some true professional help. Perhaps she has some undiagnosed and untreated medical and behavior issues. I would imagine that you may be facing years of family therapy but things can improve.
My MIL had step children that were difficult to handle and their father would not discipline them. They divorced and remarried once the kids were grown and out of the house. They have been remarried 10 years and are very happy now, but it was just too difficult for her to handle his children. That might be the worst case scenario here.

Sounds like she needs to go on a nice vacation to a facility that does behavior problems with tweens. I suggest that she has some mental issues that need to be addressed and helped with. Her behavior is not normal teen stuff.

I googled your town on your name and here's a link to some resources you could check into.

http://studentservices.departments.pwcs.edu/modules/group...

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After reading your so what happened I guess this information won't do you any good since you know better what she needs than the docs and psychiatrists have diagnosed her with and put her on meds for.

I suggest you rethink your attitude. If you have a mentally ill child that needs meds to function and be part of society but you decide you know better than those professionals that put them on the meds...well, I guess you get what you asked for.

Put that child back on her mental health meds. Obviously she hasn't proven to you that she can't function without them. It sounds terrible to live like this for your family.

Have you (you and her dad together - united front) tried sitting down with her and telling her point blank that you KNOW she is behaving this way to try to run you off and that that is not going to happen no matter how bad she is. Tell her you love each other and she is NOT going to rule the roost.

Then, when she doesn't do her next chore, when dinner is ready, give her a sandwich and send her on her way. She is old enough to understand that if she doesn't want to do anything for the family (her chore), then the family is going to reciprocate and that includes you not cooking for her.

Basically, you just have to turn a blind eye to what she does; give it no time, attention or head room, and move about your day, not doing anything for her until she starts coming around.

Once she realizes that she really IS NOT controlling the household and no matter how she acts or what she does, she s NOT coming between you and hubby,. I think she will come around. If not, at least you are not her doormat anymore!