Sons and Divorce

Maybe becasue he isn't there. You are the safe person. they know you wont leave them so being mad at you is easier then taking the chance that if they are mad at him he may not want to see them at all.

Hopefully you are not voicing that you believe dad is at fault. If kids hear you bad mouth dad they may begin to feel that your outlook is wrong and thus may be your fault... happened with my own mother.

By nature M. is responsible for everything. That is mother nature. Father is suffering beside the son...that is how the brain perceives the situation. It is not new, it have been like that forever. It takes the sons and daughter to grow up and understand what really happened. They will when they go throw the same experience on their own.
AND WE SUFFER ALL THE WAY...FROM THE BEGINNING TILL THE TIME THEY UNDERSTAND....BUT WE WILL FORGIVE EVERYTHING TO TELL US AND DO TO US...IT'S MOTHER NATURE TOO!

What may seem obvious to you many not be obvious to other members of your family. Sons may feel the mother drove their father away. There could be a number of reasons:

Nagging
Complaining
Dirty house
Being too perfect
Loveless/sexless marriage
Found someone else
(The list could go on and on)

On the other hand maybe mother has protected them from the truth and thus is bearing all the brunt of the break-up.

Depending on the ages of your children be as honest with them as you can while remaining age appropriate. It would be best if both dad and M. could sit down with the kids together. If this is not possible, you might consider family counseling or talking with someone at your church who specializes in family matters.

I understand this is a very painful and difficult time, but the sooner you address all the feelings the sooner hearts will begin to mend.

Blessings….

Because you made him leave, that is what your son thinks, my M. went though the same thing with us she has tough skin I have to say looking back, she was just very open about my dad and she NEVER bad mouthed him for some reason even though he was the bad one, drunk, not working and abusive, so stay strong, tell him that you love him all the time, hug him a lot, explain to him that mommy and daddy still love each other etc,. (things I sure you are already doing) It is hard for both of you but don't bad mouth your ex in front of you sons, they will think you are blaming him and feel like they have to take a side, they will learn as they get older that you are the good guy and love you and be amazed by you, trust me I am by my M.!

Although I am not a boy, I did this same thing to my mother when she and my father divorced and the answer is quite simple really. She was there with me and she was the one I had at my disposal to blame. I only saw my father every other weekend once they split and my anger wouldn't wait. When I felt overwhelmed about it and the feelings became too much - I took it out on my mother because she was there and my father wasn't. Also, my mother moved on first. That didn't help either. Although to be honest, since I only my father on alternating weekends he could have been dating too and I just didn't see it. As a kid I didn't think that far into it. I just knew that I was mad and I wanted them - or whichever one was closest at the moment - to know it.

If this is happening to you, try not to take it personally. It isn't about you, it is about the child feeling helpless and needing to take it out on a parent. I also wouldn't demonize your ex, in an effort to get him to take it out on his father more. Just let him have his time.

Good luck to you. It will pass. :)

Boys need their daddy's, that's why! They can be utterly heartbroken when they no longer have them everyday!

Look at it from a child's point of view...son only gets to see daddy alone now and not with mommy...daddy wants to see son, just doesn't want to see mommy...it must be mommy's fault...

I am sorry this is happening to you. Please remember how incredibly hard on your son this is!

My oldest stepson cried at the parent exchange for the first 3-4 months that his father and I were together AND his parents had been separated for almost a year and a half before I met them. It took him almost 2 years before he just gave up and stopped asking why he couldn't just stay with daddy?

He won't blame you forever...

Maybe the father commented something...

Hi P.O,
First of all, nothing is obvious to kids. Secondly, they are frustrated and upset about the loss of their family. That is what they want more than anything else in the whole world - for their family to be back together. You know that is not possible. The next best thing you can do is to continue to show love for your children, even if they show anger. It is not you or their dad they are angry at, it is the predicament - life - for dealing them a lemon.

As for blame, rarely is a relationship terminated due to the fault of only 1 person. The father may be the person who chose to leave; but, before that, it took 2 people to not create a loving healthy relationship. There are many possible factors that would play a role in a failed relationship; 99% of them has contributing factors from both partners in the relationship. Successful relationships requires both people to want to work on it and resolve to stay together.

Even if it is the father's fault for the divorce, the way to rebuild that mother / son relationship is by explaining, in an age-appropriate way, why your family divorced. I'd further explain that each person, both M. and dad, did their best to work on the relationship. It is unfortunate, but your kids are still loved the same amount by both parents. If the father is still in the boys' lives, use that as an example. If he is not, tell the boys the father still loves them but is unable to see them right now. Just because they can't be together - just because you are no longer a family - doesn't mean that they are loved any less. Emphatically tell them you love them, the father loves them, and that it is nobody's fault.

There are parenting books on divorce that are targeted for kids. One that was recently recommended to me is Life After Divorce: Create a New Beginning by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.

Respectfully,
J. G

Children are raised by both parents and both play a role in who the child becomes. However, tell your son that as an adult he has a choice. If you didnt do a great job, he should go seek outside help and correct the issues he has. HE is responsible for his life now, not you. And this is coming from a person who had a highly disfunctional family and had to spend $35K in therapy to get it right. I am now in a healthy and wonderful relationship while the rest of my family lives in the hell I escaped from.

Because M. is there..M. will always be there..Nature of the beast. My girls went through the same thing. I was at fault, not that I was, but I was the one to show their anger towards. Dad was gone..I wasn't. (Just beware..the kids will never say it..but they more than likely think it was their fault.."Did Dad leave because of me?..something I did?" They won't say it..but it WILL come out later.) Just love them..It's been 18 yrs for me, and my girls are just starting to understand that it wasn't me or them..especially the 19 yr old..I basically loved them through thick and thin..NEVER talk bad about your ex around the kids! Let your ex dig their own hole. I know it sounds crass, but if they are the kind that don't have anything to do with their kids like mine didn't...............

P.O.

My guess is that no matter how bad it is at home, they want their dad there no matter what. So if your the one holding the bad, they have no one to be mad at but you. Once children get oldr they will understand what went on. Have patience with them. Keep the communication line open and talk to them a lot. Maybe counseling. Give them loads of love.

D.

.

You are still there to blame.
k

As someone who went through a divorce 9 years ago with a 6 year old, from my experience part of the reason that I found is that boys tend to idolize their fathers. This isn't uncommon. You just need to be patient. My son even though a couple of years later he went to live with his father because of other issues. He however never blamed me for it but was upset about the divorce. Just don't let him see you angry at your ex and let him know that it wasn't his fault and that know matter what that both his father and you love him. But most importantly be very patient with him, he will come around it will just take a little time, little boys idolize their fathers no matter if their the bad guys or not.

Good luck.

S.

Men look at things differnetly than women and are not able to see the woman's side. They have to blame someone and the Mother is there to blame. In most cases when tis happens both people in a relationship had a aprt in what went wrong. Neither is really to balme. The children will see this in time. I have a good marriage of 48 years. However I have two sons, four grandsons and finally a granddaughter in 2000. I know how the men and my sons all think different and always see mostly their side of things. We women have to set them straight! Your sons will know who was there for them in time. Just be patient. It is very important to never talk bad about their father. If he has any issues they will find out for themselves in time. I pray all works out for you all.

it sounds like you have a lot of anger in this situation, and maybe the boys are picking up on that. i'm so sorry you're going through this, but the absolute most important thing right now is to make this as easy on the boys as possible. try to avoid thinking about who is "at fault". they will go through phases, trying to process all of this. eventually they'll "hate" him, and stand up for you. then they might blame themselves. just love them and accept them and try to help them deal with it. don't get mad at them, it's just their way of trying to rationalize what's happened.

Because you're the only one to whom they can point the finger and shift blame to, considering he is no longer there. Also, because they see you more and they hardly see him, maybe they (incorrectly) assume it's because of your choice, when it really is HIS choice. The same happened to my friend. Her boy was 8-9 at the time of the divorce. He is now 13 and now finally understands that his father made the choice to walk away from his mother and whereas he used to worship his dad, now he defends his mother, understands SHE is the one who took care of him, drove him to school, fed him and tended to him when he was ill, not daddy, and given the choice of which parent to live with, he'd choose his mother in a heartbeat. He loves his father, but now realizes he isn't the perfect superhero he had idolized him to be and that he left on his own; his mother had no part in this and she wanted him to see his dad as much as possible, but unfortunately, the dad did not want to make much time for his son..

sometimes the parent that shows unconditional love gets the blame & the parent that shows conditional love doesnt get blamed.....the child feels safe with the parent that shows unconditional love because they know that parent will never leave them ...........so sorry

Unfortunately it's typical. I've had four friends that have gone through divorce and they've all been the "bad guy" in their children's eyes at first (whether girl or boy). They didn't see it as Dad left, they saw it as "M. sent Dad away and won't let him come back". They DO grow out of this stage and as they mature they get the concept a lot better and see you in a better light. Only one out of the four sought counseling for her son because his anger got pretty strong for a while. The other three just let time pass and let the children get used to the idea that M.'s the one that's there all the time for them. Just hang in there.

It sounds like the father is telling the boys some stories -- shameful!

How old are your boys?
Maybe someone is telling them that or bad mouthing you to them.

Or for a young child, coping is hard... so they blame you. They may not understand.
Getting a child counseling when there is divorce is always good. My M.'s friend did that with her 2 toddlers... and she said it was the best thing she did for them, as a single parent.

A child has to learn to cope... and express it for what they are feeling... talk with them... they need a bond with you more than ever now.
Do you have sole custody? or joint?
Perhaps they blame you because their Dad left... so they maybe think it was your fault for "making" him leave. In a child's mind... it makes sense....
Guide them and reinforce your relationship with them. Not taking it personally... though its hard.

All the best
Susan

Well if the boys live most of the time with their mother and don't see their father as often, they will blame M. because it is easier. M. is there all the time, and in a child's mind it is much easier to put the responsibility on her. You can't be as mad at someone if they are not there. If they see their father on occasion then chances are it is always a "treat" to see him not to mention if they don't live with him there is no day to day struggles like rules and chores.
I know from experience... My father left us when I was very young, he moved 3,000 miles away, started a new family and never looked back. Even as a teenager I would blame my M., I know now as an adult that she was doing the best she could. It is just easier as a kid to find the fault with the one who is closer to you, it is safer, and easier then blaming yourself (which many children of divorce do)

Because that's what the fathers tell them.