Son Wants Communion Dress

I agree with the others who say let him dress up in a pretty white dress, but don't spend all the money on a real communion outfit. When my son went through a similar phase, I went to a consignment shop and found him a pink dress for $5. He loved it and I didn't feel like I'd wasted my money. By some lace or tulle to make a veil and leave it at that. He can wear shoes you already have and he doesn't need tights.

I think you're a great mom for letting him be himself!

It sounds like you're cool with him dressing this way so if you can afford it, why not? If money is tight, I would have to tell him no. Explain that communion dresses are very expensive, and that it's not in the budget. Think about it like any other expensive 'want' a child has. Tell him you'll try to find him a bride Halloween costume this year which is very similar to a communion outfit.

Why not? Go to the goodwill or a thrift store and find him a dress! As long as he's doing it at home where no one will bully him for wanting to wear a dress, I don't see why not. My daughter and nephews are always dressing in each other's dress up clothes and no one cares if one of the boys is in a witch/princess/fairy dress while my girl is in a superhero outfit. Dress up is fun.

Go to the good will and see what you can find. Find a sewing and design class that might be for his age group. Something tells me your son is going to end up in design and fashion. Clearly he has an eye for and passion for fashion. Be sure to talk with him and make space for him to express himself. It is great to indulge what he wants to do, but also be there so that he can process what he is experiencing. I say this as the mom of a gay teenage. I think if you can talk with someone and get some support, that would be helpful. Maybe he is a cross-dresser, or gay, or transgender. Getting a bit of information is going to make it much easier for you to support your son.

I think by 10 years old, "dress up days" need to be done, regardless of age or gender. Enroll him in your local community theater.

Dressing up in costume is not offensive to Catholics. It's pretend play, not a mockery! I was Catholic. Trust me, this is not a "Catholic" issue except for some individual opinions. Gender is something some people have very hardcore opinions about. But he is not their son, he's yours. And you're doing everything right regarding this.

And yup, I think you have a budding fashion designer on your hands. Indulge him, go to Goodwill or the Salvation Army and find the clothes. You don't want to buy new. Teach him to sew, all of my boys can sew and knit, that's not exclusive to girls ;) Encourage him to enhance the outfit with beads or ribbon :)
If he wanted to play sports, you would put him on a team, if he wanted to be in the theater, you would find one for him. He wants to play dress up, and speaking of the theater, maybe that would be a good place to start for an extracurricular activity. They are always looking for people to help with costumes. And he'll probably meet a lot of kids like himself.

I'm not sure why some are so upset about the idea of a "communion" dress here -- the mom's referring to that but it seems pretty clear that what is in his mind is a wedding dress, and a first communion outfit is basically a wedding outfit in miniature. If you read the post carefully, mom says that he wanted this communion dress just after he saw mom's wedding pictures. He may be calling what he wants a communion dress but I strongly suspect he just wants anything that looks bridal, and he knows those (a) are bridal and (b) are more kid-sized. I doubt any dissing of actual communion is intended. And if it's somehow wrong to use a communion dress for anything else, why do I see lots of them in our local thrift stores where they could be sold to anyone for any reason, including dress-up or cutting apart or dyeing....?

Your post is confusing. You mentioned that you let him wear princess Halloween costumes and, now you are wondering about "indulging him with something he likes", a dress for his First Communion, and that he has some "unique" interests...I don't think these are "unique" interests..and you are Catholic....; he is having some gender issues and they need to be addressed, whatever he is, and feels you must love him and GUIDE him, but I do not think it is healthy to just keep doing what he wants without taking this seriously.
Now to the point, there are nice white suits for boys that he can wear for this special Catholic event, you can find them in several retail stores like Macy's, Koh'ls, etc.

KC,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Your son is 10 years old. He wants something for play, that as a practicing Orthodox Christian, I would find a tad offensive. TO ME, it's a mockery of the Holy Communion and the Holy event of Communion.

If he wants to dress up in a white dress, veil, etc.??? I would find a cheap wedding dress or a white dress that could be construed as a wedding dress...a communion outfit is NOT cheap.....I know you can find them cheap on ebay...but still...it's like mocking a special event. If he wants bridal outfit...

http://www.ebay.com/itm/Girls-Royal-Bride-Bridal-Gown-Dre...

Here's some other dress up items
http://www.ebay.com/itm/Girls-DRESS-UP-Lot-of-10-costumes...

Overall, I would say no - we can compromise on what it is...but a communion dress? No.

Since he's drawn to feminine things?? Have you discussed this with his pediatrician? Have you had conversations with your son? It's possible he's a cross-dresser and loves womens clothes...which is fine...however...he might need more support for it.

Good luck!

I think it sounds sweet. I've heard of boys wanting to play dress up in girls clothes. Of course we all have... there are men after all who are straight and dress up in women's clothes in private and they're called cross dressers. They just like to feel pretty sometimes. Nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean he's gay or likely to be transgender or transexual, and even if it did so what? He's TEN YEARS OLD. For real, all of my friends that have sons in real life off of the internet (and many of them on) have allowed their sons to play dress up in girls dresses! With cousins, sisters, female friends. On their own. It doesn't have to mean something. Good grief, people. He's a ten year old little boy.

What I think is amazing is that you don't make him feel bad about it. You're letting him be expressive and experimenting and obviously cautious. He doesn't feel that he has to hide it from you and that's just something that makes my heart melt. We need more moms like you around for our sons.

You can probably tell where I'm going with this.

I would get him the stuff to dress up. It won't offensive to anyone of any Christian denomination because none of that stuff is anyone else's business and seriously... you're just buying it for him to play with. It would be like any other item of clothing or accessories in a dress up trunk. He sounds content to dress up at home, and that's probably good (our society isn't so amazing that it's advanced to that accepting yet as you can see by many of the responses below).

I would buy/make him a white dress-up dress and acessories... Not an actual pricy communion dress. Maybe see if the DI or a consignment store has something in a reasonable price range.

Buying the actual getup? That is WAAAY too much expense just for dress-up! Lol.

well, you probably wouldn't worry if a little girl wanted to dress up like a football player, would you?
if he got the idea from a wedding picture, i'm not sure why you've made the leap to 'communion dress.' it doesn't sound to me as if he's interested in anything to do with the catholic religion. he wants to play dress-up and look as pretty as mommy did.
i'd never stifle creative play.
if it IS something religious, i'd explain in relatively simple terms why it's not appropriate but i wouldn't just ban it without knowing what's behind HIS desire to dress up. it he just wants to look like a bride, or a nun, why not? if he's actually ruminating on catholic theology, that would require a more complex response.
i don't understand why you've been okay with it in the past but consider this time to be an indulgence.
khairete
S.

I don't see why not. Especially if it's just for the privacy of his own home. He obviously doesn't feel any shame in asking, so that's a good sign he has a safe comfort level of being who he is at home.

I think ten is still a little young to try and evaluate what this "means" (is he gay, bi, transgender, hetero who appreciates femenine accouttrements, what have you). You'll probably have that on your radar for a couple more years from now. Just let him enjoy what he likes for now with no weirdness, labels, or judgements attached.

PS you should be able to put the outfit together on the cheap. It's just a white dress, some tulle stuck to a headband, tights and dress up shoes.

If it makes him happy why would it be an issue? Just take him to the thrift store and let him pick out some things.

Dress up and costuming is one thing.
Real gowns with all the accessories can start getting expensive.
When my sister decided that Kmart jeans weren't good enough for her and only $75 jeans would do (this was the 70's) my Mom told her if she wants something expensive she's going to have to earn the money to buy it herself.
I think you need to set a costuming budget and your son is going to have to earn the money for what ever extra he wants that falls outside the limit you set.
It's not about restricting how he wants to dress - it's about getting a handle on the expense of it all.

I'd put it in the same category as all the other dress up occasions you have allowed.

I suspect you are worried about him being teased or not accepted. At 10 yrs old, he can understand when it's going to make a big statement and when not so much. He can understand time and place (my daughter isn't allowed to wear a superhero cape to a formal event, but if she wears slacks vs a skirt to church, I don't care). If you fear he will want to wear the dress TO communion, then that is a discussion you, he and the priest will have to have in advance of the event.

Are you asking because you are not sure if you and he would offend Catholics? I think if he is only wearing it at home, you will be fine. Anyway, it's not like communion dresses are blessed by a priest and washed in holy water. It's just a white dress that can be purposed in any way needed.

My parents are very Catholic. In 6th grade, I asked to dress as a nun for Halloween. My parents were totally on board. It was my most successful costume ever. Dressing in a communion dress doesn't seem to be any different than that.

I am so glad that you are letting your son be who he wants to be and encouraging his imaginative play.

I wouldn't pay up for the whole outfit, there are consignment shops who re-sale that stuff, since it's used only once.. Also... I don't think it's a problem to dress up..

I think you are amazing and brave for asking this question - and not squashing your son's unique interests. He is lucky to have a mom like you. Can you afford the dress? That would be the sticking point for me. My girls got second-hand dress-up clothes at garage sales and the like because we live on a limited budget.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him playing dress up. I think getting a trunk full of dress up clothes is a good idea. But I would not allow him to play dress up in a communion dress. This gives the allusion that playing at being Catholic is ok. A communion dress is for one of the sacraments. It is not for playing. It is not something you wear to play dress up in. It is for a holy sacrament. And that is what I would tell him. So a no go in my book on that one.

I think kids that didn't get to do much pretend play, like dressing up every day to play house or fireman or anything like that, are going to go through this at another time. They're going to dress up and be really goofy with it. Like they know it's not age appropriate but being totally a goof ball. But all kids need this stage. It's important for their development.

I remember when my grandson went through this. He was never in child care and didn't have any dress up stuff at home. He was encouraged to play computer games and watch TV and play outside. Normal kids stuff...

However when he'd come to my house where dress up boxes were abundant he'd put on dresses, dance costumes, fireman hats, cowboy hats and adult boots, and more. He was 10-13 during this time. The grand kids living with me were 3-4 and 6-8 and they played dress up all the time. Friends flocked to my house to play. The attraction, I'm sure, was dressing up the younger brother like a girl. He loved it too.

So I think if this seems to be the normal stuff, he wants to do pretend play with other stuff too then perhaps it's that stage that he has to go through. If he's seriously interested in girl clothes and dressing like a girl perhaps it will turn out he likes to cross dress. Some men do that and have no other gender or sexual identity crisis style issues.

Looks like you've been indulging him right along so why would this suddenly be a bigger issue?

I don't see why not. Is it because it's a communion dress? If he's just going to be at home I don't see the big deal.

The Power of a Parent's Blessing: See Your Children Prosper and Fulfill Their Destinies in Christ
by Craig Hill

My recommendation is that you read that book.

I don't know anything about communions, but I hope you're prepared for your son to be trans or gay, 'cause it's not typical for a straight 10 year old boy to want to wear a dress.

You might as well accept his sexuality now. So, yeah, sure, let him wear what he wants.

K., I have no specific opinion on Communion dresses worn for other occasions or dress up play.

You do surely realize that 10 year old boys typically do not play dress up, in masculine or feminine clothing. Even my nephew who grew up to be a costume and set designer did not do that.

I am not sure if you are referring to his "unique interests" as a way to mask something with us or with yourself. I am speaking to you as a mother who has raised two children - a straight child and a trans child. My concern isn't about the dressing up. My concern is that I don't have enough information to know if your child is receiving any type of gender specialized counseling. You may just not be telling us that, and are on top it it all, but if you are not, please know that if there's any possibility that your son is transgender (and I do see that possibility), that it's important to get him to counseling and to an endocrinologist BEFORE the start of puberty. Hormone blockers can prevent/delay puberty in trans kids and it's a gift to know at a young age if your child is transgender, as opposed to my child who did not show those signs til after puberty.

Hugs and good luck

I haven't ever heard of a 10 yr old boy playing dress up. And in a dress?? I wouldn't buy one. He could insist on wearing it to the communion and you would have to deal with that. Or he may wear it outside and get bullied and called names.