I'm Beyond DESPERATE for Answers, PLEASE HELP!!!!

Deep breaths (in, out, in, out).

Is he physically unhealthy?

Is he depressed or unwilling to talk to you about what he is feeling?

Is he unhappy that he is a boy, to the point that it is causing distress?

Is he violent (with you or sis) if he doesn't get his way or when he is not the center of attention?

If not, then relax and just love him and accept him, he will be whatever he will be.

Kids need pretend play when they're young. SO many times parents would get mad at me because their boy or girl would go home and tell them that they got to dress up in opposite gender items.

If they don't get through this stage on time, when they're close to 2 and 3 they will go through it as an older child. My grandson that is now 14 went through it at around 11 years old. It was quite shocking to see him dressed up in tutu's and dresses. And yes, he was playing it off as just being goofy with his little sister. He did it for about 2 weeks then didn't do it again. Kids have developmental stages they have to go through. Finding out how they feel inside, male or female, boy or girl, feminine or masculine, etc...are important stages to deal with.

I imagine he'll go through this for a while then stop. Once he gets through it he should be all boy again.

OH.MY.GOD.

You are overreacting so much, I don't even know where to start. He loves his sister, he wants to be just like her. This is NORMAL. You need to decrescendo the obsession about his preferences at FOUR. No doctor worth a darn is going to start diagnosing ADD and ADHD at 4. No doctor worth a darn is going to send you down a rabbit hole of psychological dysfunctions, because he likes his sister's toys! Want to know why he is constantly seeking your attention? He wants your unconditional love and APPROVAL. Kids are very clever, and I guarantee you he is picking up on your distaste for the things he does and loves.

LET IT GO, and stop with all this freaking nonsense. You are going to royally mess up your kid. I suggest counseling for YOU and your husband. NOT your child. (Actually, go ahead and get him in counseling. If you keep this up, he will need it desperately. He needs counseling for what you and your husband are setting him up for. To hate himself and feel like he has no place in life.)

OMG! Quit buying the "boy toys." Your son is who he is, and no amount of toys is going to change that.

You need to change your way of thinking. First, boys playing with baby dolls is how boys learn to be good fathers. Just like girls learn "mother skills," boys learn "father skills." Nothing to worry about there.

And your son likes to wear her dress-up dresses. Again, nothing wrong with that. He's curious; he likes the way they feel (soft/silky).

He loves his sister. Is that so unusual? He has a permanent playmate; why wouldn't he want her to be happy? Why wouldn't he suggest you buy her something that he wants to play with? He knows you won't buy it for him.

The fact that your son came back quickly with how much he likes Spider Man tells me that you have let on to your son that you think something is wrong.

Whether he is gay, transgender or straight, YOUR and HUBBY'S attitudes are going to cause problems in the family. I suggest you and hubby work on your thinking/attitude and go with your son's flow!

This sounds normal to me. He's curious. It's fun and it's getting him attention.

When I started to paint my daughter's toe nails (she is younger than my son), my son wanted his painted. So I painted them. It's paint. It comes off and I assure you he isn't scarred for life. He was just curious. I did it once and he never asked for it again. The neighbor boy next door has two older sisters. He spent a year when he was four with pink nails. I assure you that kid is ALL boy. He just wanted what his sisters had.

I think you may be making an issue where there is no issue. I mean really, if you daughter wanted only boy toys, would you be concerned? Nope. You'd just call her a tomboy.

My Uncle has recently admitted to the family he is transgender and started living as a woman. He's been married twice. Still prefers women romantically. He was a NAVY SEAL. He only played with boy toys. He NEVER played dress up. He is proof that the toys do not make the man....whatever that man decided he is

Calm down mama. He's four and wants to be like his sister.

M.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Now. Stop. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

You are freaking out. STOP.

Your son is trying on his "feminine" side. He sees all the attention his sister is getting for being a girl and wants it. Stop trying to label your son. HE IS FOUR YEARS OLD. PLEASE! STOP!!!

He had your undivided attention for almost 2 years - now he has to share it.

Don't freak out when he dances around like a ballerina. SO FREAKING WHAT!!? He is FOUR YEARS OLD.

Next year it will be something else. In two weeks - you can buy your daughter a truck and he will be all over it like white on rice. he needs some QUALITY time with you - alone.

Please. Stop. Why not look into a therapist for you - so that you can decompress and not freak out of everything....it really will help you.

Good luck!

I honestly don't understand what the problem is. Sounds like a 4 year old to me.

Okay. I just want to share with you that my cousin's son is the same age as my daughter (they are now both 11), and they've always been the greatest of friends. (And by the way, my cousin is the biggest macho man that ever lived - hunting, fishing, muscle cars... so you can imagine what home life is like for this little boy!) My daughter is, and has always been, very girly. She is a ballet dancer, loves nail polish, hair bows, and anything that sparkles. Well, the Christmas the kids were 4, they were off playing in my daughter's room. They were in there for a long time, and finally they all came out dressed as princesses (both of my girls, and their boy cousin). They all had tiaras, ball gowns, and sparkly makeup on. My cousin's son pipes up, "Look at me, Daddy! I'm a PRINCESS!" We all laughed so hard we cried at the look on my macho cousin's face - it was hilarious. Fast forward to now, this boy is as all-boy as he can be. He plays football, basketball, and baseball, and thinks girls are weird "and screechy." LOL So clearly his turn as a princess didn't do him any harm.

But even IF he still enjoyed dressing as a princess... oh well! You know? He is who he is, and we would love him no matter what he wore. Clothes don't make the man.

I would suggest that you try not to worry about this. I don't see it as a big deal at all. Just as we want our girls to be okay playing with trucks and skateboards, it's really okay for boys to want to play dress-up and dolls.

Some kids never want to play alone and always want company. That's normal.

Some kids are gay, or transgender. That's also normal.

Some 4 year old boys like to paint their nails, and wear spiderman costumes and dresses, and they grow up straight. That's normal too.

Mom, don't worry about your son. He will grow up to be the person he was meant to be, regardless of what he wears or plays with, or how much social interaction he craves. You are there to guide and love him through it.

Your son sounds fine to me, I'm not sure exactly what you're worried about. What you are describing is his personality, nothing more.

The only thing that makes a toy "boy" or "girl" is overpaid marketing people sitting in a room making things up to make you spend money!

There are no boy toys and girl toys. There are KID toys. Playing with any particular toy does not make you something you are not.

It sounds like your son wants the attention you give your daughter. She got a whole new room and new stuff for it. Did he get a whole room makeover or did he just get what he had before, moved over. What special things do you do with him like you do with your daughter like painting nails?

When my boys were little they loved putting my hair clips in their hair, I painted their nails when I did mine. One of my boys wore mostly Princess pull-ups while potty training because he liked them. He thought they were pretty. My daughter wears her Spider-man shirt with the puffiest petti-skirt and sparkly shoes. All 3 play with dolls. How else are they to learn how to be a good and nurturing parent?
This isn't a problem with your son at all. It is your problem. Your husband's problem. This is society's problem.

He's 4. Let him wear what he wants, play with what he wants. There's no reason to give him a complex about wanting to dress up in dresses or whatever. My daughter likes to dress in spiderman costumes, should I tell her no those are just for boys? No, that would be silly. You're too hung up on "boy" and "girl". As I always tell my daughter, there are no such things as boy toys and girl toys, just toys.

As my husband says, look for horses before zebras. Your son is with you and his sister all day. You guys are getting excited about dresses and nail painting and whatever. He wants to, too. Don't make a big deal of it, and let him play how he wants to play.

You are indeed overreacting about this. He is 4!!! Let the child be! It sounds like you are already confusing him. He should NOT be afraid to tell you he wants to try on a princess costume. My 4 year old is in preschool and they have a dress up box and i have seen nearly every boy in that room at one point wearing around one of the dresses. It does not mean anything!! They are just kids being curious and wanting to try on something that looks neat to them. Going through a phase of liking pink or girly stuff is 100% normal and is not an indicator of future sexual preference.
I suggest that your son is jealous of the attention that your daugther receives and thus is trying to act like her to get some of the attention she is getting. I would spend a whole lot more time thinking about THAT angle, and a whole lot less time worrying about him being interested some "girl" toys.

While there is nothing wrong with him liking "girl things", I do think your little boy is crying out for some individual attention. Do you spend time with just him since his sister was born? Some kids really need that one on one time.

He may need counseling, but not for liking dress up play or dolls. The obsessive and controlling behaviors are the only concern, as far as I can see. I do wonder, however, if those behaviors would stop if you let up on him. At age 4 he shouldn't be worried about being a disappointment to his dad if he wants his nails painted.

Oh my - Your son is totally normal! There is nothing wrong with liking girl stuff and actually, it is very common at that age. My son at 3 and 4 and halfway into 5 LOVED girl stuff. He didn't even have a sister! But he did have a best friend who was a girl and played at her house a lot. We just let him go all out...he'd spend the day wearing princess dresses. My SIL would paint his nails pink and purple. He spent about 6 months obsessing over wearing this one skirt over his pants every day. We just let him. And he always wanted to be the girl character in all his pretend games. He just slowly outgrew this phase. He also loved many "boy" things and would easily get crushes on his teenage babysitter who was a cute girl. Now he is 9 and is all about wearing skater clothes, doing tricks on his bmx bike, playing soccer, and video games. He isn't interested in anything girly anymore but he will tell me in private that he still thinks Hello Kitty is cute. You are worrying WAY too much. Just go with the flow and laugh at how cute your little boy is being. And if he is gay or whatever then that is what he is...nothing you do will change that. But most likely he is not...this is a very very normal phase in many preschool aged boys.

Your son sounds like a VERY TYPICAL four year old boy!

Relax! Seriously. Your arbitrary rules about "boy things" and "girl things" is the problem, not your son's desire to play with dolls. (Seriously, you want your husband to parent your children, right? so why shouldn't your son play with babydolls?)

Your son does not sound like he has ANY gender identification issues at ALL... he doesn't sound particularly obsessed with his little sister either. He sounds like a high energy (possibly ADHD) child who wants to play pretend. (also, the pediatrician probably suggested the psych evaluation for ADHD NOT because of the gender identification stuff).

Anyway, enjoy your kids. Stop worrying.

T.

Calm down! A ton of little boys go through the "girly stuff" phase. Its completely normal, there's nothing wrong with it. He probably sees the girly bond you and your daughter naturally have and wants to be a part of it! My male cousin was CONSTANTLY playing girly dress up when he was little -makeup, heels, the whole nine yards. Today he is a well adjusted, completely heterosexual 20 something...with some great blackmail pictures!

BTW, I hate the terms "boy toys" and "girl toys". Last time I checked, toys had neither penises nor vaginas. I'm proudly raising a tom boy who hates all things pink and frilly!

Breath and stop freaking out. He loves his sister. It's a phase.

If you feel he has issues with learning, concentrating, etc., then you can ask the school district to evaluate him for learning issues.

He has his own personality. You cannot push him one way or the other. Your parenting will not affect his sexual identity. If your family is giving you a hard time about his behavior, they need to stop. He is who he is, and your job is to teach him to be a good, loving, responsible person. THAT is the core of who he is.

Look into counseling for yourself. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and need to decompress. If you can find a preschool for him, try that - he may enjoy having a bunch of kids to run around with and you will get a bit of a break. Perhaps being around other children will give him some room to discover more of himself and give him a break from trying to compete with his sister.

I wonder if he sees you giving his sister lots of attention and just wants to be a part of things. She got her own room for the first time, and you wanted to fill it with "girl" things. Did he get anything new for his room? Maybe he was jealous.

You were painting his sisters nails. He wanted to be included, so it makes sense that he would want to have his nails painted.

I really wonder if he has it in his head that in order to get your attention he has to like "girl" things. He sees you and his sister getting excited about them, he wants you to get excited about something with him, the easiest way to do that is to get excited about the same things.

First, I think you need to relax and not worry so much. I think you really are over thinking this.

Second, is there something more "boy like" that you could do with him? I think he's craving your attention, but he needs to know that you can get excited about Spiderman, too. He needs to know that Mom is ok with Spiderman and not just princesses.

He's four and exploring everything about the world. He may or maynot be transgender. If he is, you can't change that by denying him "girl things."
Let him play dress up if he wants to. If it's a phase, he will grow out of it. If it isn't, he won't.

There is no such thing as "boy toys" or "girl toys." There are simply toys and children who like to play with them.
And AFIC, with the possible exception of bras and jock straps, the notion of "boy clothes" and "girl clothes" is beyond asinine. Why is it fine for a girl to wear her brother's jeans and sneakers, but not for a boy to wear his sister's skirt and heels?

Someone on FB quipped that when he was young, his mother insisted he get a blue balloon instead of a pink one. He grew up, and likes blue, and is still gay. AKA, if he is going to come out as gay as an adult, then he's gay already. Nothing you can do about it. And if this is just a phase, it will pass. I have a friend whose middle son is an unmediated schizophrenic and she would love to trade places with someone whose son is "just" gay.

I don't think HE needs help so much as YOU need help to accept your son and help him where he needs it and not worry about things like wanting to play with his sibing's toys. Having ADD is vastly different than liking pink toys. Please do not confuse the two.

I also wonder if he could have OCD or asperger syndrome because of the fixations and desires for things to be just so. I think you are way overfocused on the toys and not on potential real issues. If you love your son "so much" then get him evaluated. You fear the unknown. Get some known so YOU can stop obsessing about things, too. A diagnosis (if there is to be one) doesn't mean you are bad parents or don't love each other enough.

There's a lot to this post. First of all, you need to breathe and settle down about this one. Your son sounds pretty normal to me. It's always hard to tell what parents mean by hyper and obsessive. And it's hard to know the history and dynamic of why he doesn't like to play by himself.

Get past the boy toys and girls toys... girls don't have to play with dolls all the time and boys don't have to play with trucks all the time. At your son's age, his imagination is blooming and he's exploring all kinds of ways to express that. Just because he's currently loving "girl" things doesn't mean that he will/is be transgender.

I haven't read the responses, so maybe this has been said, but it's entirely possible that he sees the attention his sister is getting and is trying to find a way to get attention too. Also, very normal and very common.

Keep the TV off. You don't need to use that to sedate him.

Get the psych evaluation if it makes you feel better, but I would be willing to bet that this isn't as serious as you are thinking it is, and by the time your little guy goes to kindergarten he will be conforming like everyone else. Let him be who he is. On some level he's already getting that it's not ok for him to wear dresses and it is ok for him to be Spiderman. I would take a look at that too... kids get enough disapproval from the outside, they should feel like they are ok and loved by their parents no matter what they play with or wear.

When our oldest was that age he desperately wanted to be a shark. He drew gills on his ribs and wore a shark fin...everywhere. When I was pregnant with our youngest our sharkboy wanted me to be having a baby shark...and disappointed it was a cute,little baby human boy.

Fast forward...he is now 13 and that sharkboy grew out of the shark obsession...and doesn't even talk about sharks. Now he is obsessed with girls, music, water polo, writing fantasy novels, taking Honor's classes and hanging out with friends.

I wouldn't give much credence to the girly stuff obsession. Little ones are drawn to fantasy play. Please don't shame him..or make him feel bad for wanting to play with girly stuff. YOUR behavior could backfire and really do harm to his psyche.

I would encourage some family counseling. You and your husband have some anxiety and strong stressors to learn to work through. Keep working on your loving marriage and family. Provide a nurturing and loving home filled with love,support and a lot of fun!

Good luck and best wishes!! Focus more on that "adorable,sweet and sensitive boy" you have..and not so much on the girly obsessions and control freak traits. Your son will have a happy and fulfilling life if he feels love and support at home...no matter what he chooses for his life path.

I totally agree with Bug. Your complete overreaction says a lot about your (and your husband's) gender hangups and fears. I bet that if your daugther liked her brother's toys and wanted to play superheroes and trucks and cars and pirates and sports, you'd think that was just great and that you have yourself an independent daughter who is maybe a bit of a tomboy. Why is it so different for boys? His sister's stuff is cool - different colors and textures, different things to do with her stuff, etc. What's wrong with playing baby dolls? Have you ever been to a preschool? You'll see boys playing house with the girls, taking care of the babies, cooking and cleaning and doing chores. You'll see girls playing super heroes or pirates or dinosaurs with the girls, using the playground equipment as castles or boats or whatever. It's called imagination and it's all good.

Think about it - what would be the worst thing that would happen if you son were "gender fluid"? He's still your son and you'd still love him, right? You'd support him and however he identified his gender or sexual orientation, right? So does it really matter that he wants to put on a princess dress or play with his sister's toys? Really? No, of course it doesn't.

Please stop fretting about this. It's a normal phase that many boys go through and most end up "all boy" and even if this is a sign of some gender flexibility, so what? Let him be who he is and love him and stop trying to put him in a box. The bigger deal you make of this, the more he'll seek the attention that it generates. If you think he has some kind of delays or behavioral issues then by all means pursue an evaluation but if your main concerns is that he likes to play with dolls, that hardly warrants a psych eval.

One answer on here is very harsh... Just want to say that a boy in our neighborhood was constantly in his sister's dresses and the father was getting so frustrated. He's almost 6 now and totally done with that. Another little boy (our godson actually) also went through this. It doesn't mean your son isn't in fact a transgender. It's possible. But nothing you can do or "manage" about it if that's the case. Watch a recent 20/20 episode. Two transgender children are interviewed with one of the mothers. That mother was amazing. Her son is becoming a girl - and such a beautiful girl - and everyone is happy. No shame at all. Watching it I thought how I really think - and I'm very traditional and a conformist for the most part - that I could be like that mother. All you want is for your son to be happy, right? Then let him be. Let him lead the way. Likely he'll change his obsession anyway. I've seen in with several boys. But happiness is the goal and there is no wrong or right in that dept aside from violence etc. Seriously watch this 20/20 online. ABC.com. It's very reassuring in a way and perfectly illustrates how it can work out fine if a child is transgender. It's when the parents freak that I think a child is in for a horrible road. And at age 4, way too early to be sure of anything. I was such a tomboy and totally got over that!

Let him be who he is.

My brothers (all 9 of them...) all played dress up, dolls, etc. with me, and alone. It's normal. I am pretty sure most boys go through this phase... Especially when they have a little sister who probably gets quite a bit of attention.

And even IF it winds up being different, and he begins to be more girly than not, that is who he is. ACCEPT HIM and do not make him feel ashamed of it! It seems like he is already feeling shamed, if he is worried about you being mad over a dress. To shame him for feelings he can't control will only teach him to be ashamed of himself, and can cause very severe psychological issues.

If it upsets you that much, you can try some "boy" alternatives... Get him superhero dress up toys, action figures and male dolls, etc.

In any case, I think the absolute most important thing you can do is to make sure you love him, and will always love him, UNCONDITIONALLY... Even if he isn't a 'normal' boy.

I think that he sees that you have decorated the sister's room and getting her all this girly stuff. It's not that he "wants the girly stuff" but rather he wants the attention and new stuff (which right now is the girly stuff). It is probably also that he is just 4 and isn't worried about what is boyish or girlie (just like my 6 yr old girl likes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Ninjango....she likes plenty of girl things too).

Relax...let him be a child. Don't push him to gender specific things right now. Focus on him being a 4 yr old...get things the two can do together without being gender specific but don't prevent him from expressing himself (just as you would let your daughter watch a "boy" cartoon or play with trucks, allow him to watch a "girl" show or play with a doll). The bigger deal you make out of this, the bigger deal it will be. The rest will take care of itself.

Ok, slow way down there mama. First the obsession of a hyper firstborn child with their younger sibling is soooooooooo normal. I have that story too, but I have all boys. My first is an energizer bunny and when my second was a baby I could hardly get that child to leave his brother alone, I used to have to make him leave his brother alone so my second could like learn to crawl. He is such a smart sweety, but wow, he does not have an 'off' button! He is somewhat obsessive with his baby bro now (my 3rd lil' dude) but he is now 6, so his ability to reason has grown a ton. Plus we have him in martial arts, swimming lessons, church etc. so keeping a hyper kid as busy as possible really does help. Now I do find that although tv is a sedative, it actually feeds into the hyperness and lack of focus overall, so I hav now started to actually limit tv, I really helps. Now with the girl obsession, why worry over that now at all. It sounds like he has a general 'obsessive' streak, girl stuff this year, probably something else next year, who knows. I think 4 is very young to even worry about evaluations and things like that. Just stay calm yourselves, don't make a thing about this stuff. And above all, shut down all family 'advice'. Family means well,they do, but is not their job to raise your child and their opinions come from shorter interactions with your children. My MIL has tried to correct my husband a couple times and my husband has said outright 'are you his mama?' We just don't let anyone override our parenting. Don't let anyone put any thoughts about the mental health of your child in your mind. You are the parent, you call the shots. As he grows, if you think his behavior is out of the bounds of normal, then talk to his pediatrician and get whatever help he needs. Seriously, get the thought of gay, transgender etc out of your mind. It is so hot in the media, but who cares. My boys watch my little pony, play house, have a play kitchen, and they love classically boy stuff too. Four yr olds are so young, so innocent, really don't worry over it. Just parent him, love him, get him professional help if needed down the road. Good luck :)

So the question I want to ask you is: If your son ends up being gay or transgender, are you going to love him any less?? If you're answer is (hopefully) NO, then stop obsessing about this and move on with your life. Be the parent who finds joy in your child, however that child expresses him or herself. Our society is overly impacted by the marketing ploys of toy companies (& Disney) that push our children into gender specific roles. Enjoy your son for who he is, not what you think he should be.

I haven't read any responses yet...
I can tell from your post that you are REALLY stressing about this. My advice to you is relax; everything you described here is very normal developmentally.
And the thing is, if he's gay, he's gay. If he's transgender, he's transgender. (Though I doubt either one, from what you've described). You can't do anything about it, so why stress? I would let him play with whatever he wants to play with, and quit making a big deal about it, which from your post, you clearly have, otherwise he wouldn't think you would "be mad" at him for wanting to wear a princess dress.
I have pictures of all my boys in various states of "drag", at about the 2-5 year old mark. Earrings, dresses, headbands, breastfeeding baby dolls, etc. All totally boy.
You need to just let him BE. Toys only have "gender identity" because we assign it.

Relax. He is four. Let him dress up if he wants to. You are getting to hung up on this. Does he have any of his own friends. All boys go through this phase. He already knows you do not like him dressing in girls things. Just let it go. Let him be who he wants to be. You cannot change who he is. Just love him for who He is now and later.

For the first issue- it is normal for them to want to experience opposite gender things at that age. My daughter was obsessed with Spider-Man because her class was mostly boys. And everyday dropping her off there would be a different boy dressed in a princess dress. My son is very boyish. But his preschool teacher sent home a picture of him in a pretty Belle dress complete with tiara. He has 2 sisters. He but on tinkerbell at age 5 trying to convince her and her friend to play with him. He had dolls. At age 7 he sleeps with a pink bear and loves rainbows. All that, and he is a NORMAL boy. Stop worrying. As for the attention thing, well, mine still insists on playing with us instead of by himself. Some kids just prefer to be with others I guess

The kid is 4. You have already been advised by a DOCTOR on what you should do. Go and have him evaluated. I have one kid who is ADD and one who is ADHD. Once you know what is going on with him, you will know how to address it. Stop hiding and being afraid and take action to figure out what is going on, if anything. Good luck.

I know nothing about ADD and won't speak to that at all. However, I really think you are WAY overthinking the gender thing and totally freaking out about what is probably nothing at all. Seriously, stop researching non conforming gender and labeling your son. There is nothing wrong with him.

He's 4. He knows the difference between girls and boys, and the difference between their clothes, toys, etc. BUT, he doesn't know yet that society thinks it's wrong for a boy to like girl things. He sees his sister wearing pretty clothes and looking fancy, but he doesn't have anything fancy of his own. Let's be honest - boy dress up clothes are fun, but they aren't fancy. And he probably has no idea that boys don't paint their nails.

My son is 6. I painted his 2.5 year old sister's nails for the first time a couple of weeks ago and he asked me to paint his too. I told him no. At age 4, I might have done it. But I think a 6 year old would get teased more. Anyway, when he was three and in preschool, his best friend was a girl. Every day they would go to the dress up corner and each put on a pretty dress and fancy heels. I didn't like it, but I didn't think my son had a problem either. At the time, he had a brand new baby sister and his friend had a brand new baby brother. They played "Mommy & Daddy" with the dolls at school and, even though my son was daddy, he wore the dress and heels. He wanted a pink dress at home, so I bought him one. I figured by letting him wear it, he'd grow out of it and tire of it more quickly than if it was a forbidden thing, which he would keep wanting.

His friend moved away and he started playing more with boys, stopped wearing the dress, etc. He is all boy, but he still thinks my daughter's fancy dress up clothes are pretty and sometimes wishes he could wear them. There's nothing wrong with him. I have no doubt about his gender identity.

Please, please, please stop beating yourself up about this. Don't feel that it's a desperate situation that requires counseling and a psychologist. He loves his sister and thinks her clothes and toys are fun, probably because they are so different from his own. He's a normal boy, which you can see by the fact that he's also rough and tumble and into superheroes.

You and your husband need to relax. Honestly, you are WAY too worried.

I'd see a different doctor about the ADD. It's not related to the girly stuff, but is worth looking into.

your son seems fine, other than the inability to play by himself (which i would nip in the bud right now. if you are firm about not interacting with him for set amounts of time, he'll figure it out.)
i think it's great that you're consulting a family counselor. focus on getting some tools for parenting a very kinetic child, for dealing with your fears about homosexuality. i think the main issue is for you and your husband to learn to relax and stop transmitting all this stress and worry to your very busy, very normal little boy. he's only 4. wanting to experiment with 'girl' things is very natural, especially with a baby sister, and parents who label things as girl or boy. once you and your husband have take a deep breath and learned to accept your son for who he is, i think the stress he's feeling will lighten and he too will be able to accept himself better.
breathe.
khairete
S.

I think your family kinda needs to keep a lid on it. Just the fact that you say they're telling you he doesn't watch enough television makes me think that might want to ignore quite a bit of what they say.

Honestly, if it were my family speaking this way about my son, it would be in one ear and out the other...and they would sure as heck not be allowed to discuss it anywhere near my son. He wouldn't need to hear those conversations, which are really more about the adult perceptions than they are his reality. Your kid is your kid, period and he's going to be who he's going to be. If he loves girly stuff, just accept that he likes it for now. To me, a little boy enjoying his sister and all of her girly attention (by proxy) is just that and nothing more.... it certainly isn't anything to get freaked out and panicked about.

I do agree with other posters who suggest that you find a counselor. You seem overwhelmed. And somewhere, in some way, he's getting messages that being himself is not okay.-- hence his trying not to 'own' the desire for the Cinderella dress. That's far more damaging to a kid than any sort of future sexual orientation he might have.

I think your best first option would be counseling for you and your husband (to learn how to be able to sit with this) and then your son maybe. An evaluation for ADD (although a lot of fours are extremely active) would be okay. If you do, indeed, take him in for a psych eval, you need to really downplay it with your son. "A nice lady/man is going to sit with you and play some games" is all he will need to know. (I say this from experience, having had to take my son in for several speech and vision evals). Keep cool on all of this: he doesn't need to know about your anxieties around this.

By the way: did you consider that maybe he's playing what your girl likes to play because he wants to play with her? She's a built-in playmate and may not want to play with HIS 'boy' toys, so maybe he's trying to meet her where she's at. I'm not saying you are foolish for being concerned, I just think that you are right-- gender is much more fluid than just 'boy' and 'girl' stuff. He likes what he likes-- find out how to be accepting of this. The more parents try to push their kid into being a certain way, the less accepted the child feels-- yet they KNOW they get lots of attention doing those things which make their parent uncomfortable enough to want to redirect them. Just some things to think about.

I recommend that you don't label your child, although you are tempted to do it. If you are less stressed about him, it will help. Yes, he knows that he is disappointing you. He can't help but know it because you are jumping to conclusions in front of him.

Instead, you should say "It's not your job to worry about your sister." This reminds a person who is a control freak that they aren't supposed to be doing that.

Perhaps you could put some of your daughter's stuff away for the time being, or only engage in these dress-up times with her while he is in preschool. You don't have to have TOO much girly "stuff" in her room. Perhaps it's a whole lot more interesting in her room because his looks boring in comparison.

I would not keep throwing every single boy toy known to man at your son to try to get him to be more boyish. I wouldn't get into these conversations with him either. I'd just be matter-of-fact about what he says and push the not worrying about his sister. If you don't, he's going to end up smothering her and she won't like it as she gets older.

Give him small projects to do in the house so that he isn't hanging onto you all day. Tell him "I'm washing clothes. I want you to sit here at the table and do "x". I'll look at it when I come back in the kitchen." Expect him to do this. If he's in the laundry room with you in two minutes, look at him and say "Where are you supposed to be?" Make him tell you. Then send him back. You need to manage this better. You can do this without shaming him or making him feel bad.

You and your husband need to work on not making him feel that he is disappointing you. Instead of acting concerned and worried, you can say "That's interesting" as you read your newspaper, and then you change the subject. Don't ever let it appear that you are obsessing over his behavior. You can only make things worse if you do.

Good luck.

My youngest nephew was like this...only there were no girls around, he just gravitated towards that stuff naturally. We weren't sure what to do either, but when a 4y/o comes to you and days he would live a Barbie & some My Little Ponies for his b-day...you give him what makes him happy! Right? Because he was just a child and we all just want our kids (&nephews) to be happy & healthy.

Now in my research I have found that boys wanting to dress up in girl clothes & pretty dress costumes is fairly normal & doesn't necessarily mean anything....& that most boys just outgrow it & it's absolutely just a phase!

But for some, it's not a phase...

We chose to endulge him and allowed him to get the toys he wanted, he never wanted dress up clothes, he just liked the girl toys & the girl movies.

He eventually outgrew asking for girl toys...but was never into other typical boy stuff, like sports or cars or GI Joe or guns or anything 'boy' really..,after the toys were over he moved into reading and drama class.

~Not that this is typical or that I am saying this is going to happen with your son....but that same nephew is now 14y/o and just came out to his parents & me & my hubby, that he is gay. Said that he has always known and was very worried and scared to tell us & that he wished he wasn't! We reassured him that A) We already suspected & B) Nothing would change for him as far as his family and the love we have for him goes!!

We are all very worried for him because he will be starting HS soon & kids can be cruel. It's not a life we would have chosen for him because we don't want him to feel different than others or ostersized or picked on...but we love him with all our whole hearts! He's still the same sweet boy that used to stand with his hands on his hips and make us all laugh by putting on his 'shows' for us. The world is a much more tolerable place now than it was when even I was growing up & I'm only in my 30's.

Hope some of this helps!

This sounds like an attention issue, to me. He is obsessed with YOU, and is likely exploring the girly things because you give your daughter a lot bonding time when it comes to the nails etc AND he gets "negative" attention (buy attention, nonetheless) when HE wants to play dress-up, too.

I suggest carving out some special "just mommy and me" time with him. I really think it's you he is trying to reach.

I have a 4 year old boy who is 2 years younger than his sister. He loves to dress in her "beautiful dresses and pretty skirts". The more sparkle the better. His sister puts make-up on him and shares her shoes. He loves nail polish and purses and can ride a scooter better than many 8 year olds. He is all boy but loves to dress up. I am not concerned about him being transgender or gay or confused at all. I never make comments like "that's for girls and your a boy" etc.. That would make him feel bad and I don't want him to feel bad.

He plays swords, barbies, shoot the bad guys, and paper dolls. His sister plays right along with him with both types of toys.

Seriously it's not a big deal

I have not read any answers...but with my son who also has a little sister 18 months younger...he also went through a girly phase.

I never knew if I would find him dressed as a fairy princess or batman. And he was attached to me like white on rice.

I did have him evaluated (not for the girly things those I just went with it...he was talking about wanting to die). He was classified as being highly sensitive. I read a book by Greenspan at the suggestion of the doctor, that really helped!!

Get him evaluated not because of the girl things but because if he is having trouble you can be given skills to use to help him function better...we only needed two sessions before my son and I were seeing improvement on his troubling statements.

Now he is 8 and pretty typical boy...but he will stop and play dollhouse or dress up with his sister if she wants him to and he is in the mood. I think just letting him explore the girly things and not even batting an eye about it is the best course of action. But get an evaluation for the ADD.

HUGS!!!

I don't see the problem. Let him play with whatever toys (age appropriate of course) he wants and let him be a KID. Nothing you can or should do will change who he is. And honestly, he sounds perfectly normal - a little boy who loves his sister.

does he go to preschool? if not send him.. get him away from his sister for some part of the day.

my son and daughter are 18 months apart.. which is basically like twins.. they are so close in age.. that they don't remember a time without the other one.. so they normally play whatever my daughter (older child) wants.. often it is somewhat girly.. castle princess crafts... they don't often wrestle or play serious sports.

if you get him in preschool and kindergarten he will start to interact with other kids and most likely this will all go away.. don't worry.

Good responses so far.
4 year olds are hard! But really, try not to worry about this. Try reversing it in your mind: if your daughter only wanted clothes and toys from the "boys" section, only wanted to play with boys, wanted a superhero bedroom, wished for a short boy's hairdo, and requested you call her a boy's name, how would you feel? Would it be a big deal, or would you think, "Oh, kiddo's going through a funny phase, whatever". What if your kid aspired to be a hedgehog? Kids this age love to pretend and some are more imaginative than others.
BTW my 5 year old daughter is as I described. We buy her the clothes and toys she likes although sometimes she is required to wear a dress for something special. We let her be. I hear so many stories from my friends and aquaintances that they were just like her at their age and then when they hit puberty they started to branch out and embrace their gender. So this has got to be fairly common and not worth worrying about, right?

Im no expert, but I think things will change when he gets in kindergarten. It's just too soon to tell what will happen when he gets there.

That said, there was a neighbor kid who sounded a bit like your son. He never stopped talking or moving. He went to K and became obsessed with kids. He would smother them with attention, to the point I ask that my child, and this one, never be in class together again. He also had a 2 parent, loving home and a younger sister.

Many yrs later, he was diagnosed with aspbergers. Today, it would be high functioning autism. It comes with many helpful accomadations at school, like classes that help integrate them with their piers and give them social skills.

Try not to worry. Do seek a psychiatrist at some point. They can tell you if there is anything to worry about. Your child's teacher will be able to help, also.

He's the little brother to a girl. It's normal. My son liked having his nails painted at that age too. He even put on a girl dress up outfit a few times. No big deal. Let him explore and play and be his own little person. My son also did dance when he was in pre-k. He LOVED it. It was just a creative movement class, but I did try to have him continue with dance. By the time he was 5 or 6 he had moved on to sports and gymnastics. It's perfectly normal and wonderful for children to explore all kinds of things. My son still plays Pet Shops with his sister on occasion, but he's the sportiest little guy there ever was. If your son happens to identify with feminine toys and clothes long-term, please make him feel okay with that. You owe him unconditional love and understanding. My daughter is a tomboy and only wants to wear boy clothes right now. When she was a little one she only wanted to wear dresses. You just have to ride it out and see where they land.

Kids do tend to experiment at that age. I wouldnt worry about it. Just keep providing both of toys and let him be. Get some boy dolls (action figures, Monkey stuffed animals, sock men,) if you really want to try and redirect. If he is so full of energy why don't you try to get him into some sports Karate, gymnastics, soccor, tball.

I think your son seems fine. My sister's little boy was into a lot of "girly" things but had all the "boy" toys. The reason...he was the only boy his age that he played with. He has 4 nieces he played with constantly and he just liked what they liked. Does he have other boys that he plays with? I wouldn't worry to much over it. Toys are toys and as long as they are getting played with, who cares. How would you feel if your girl just wanted to play with "boy" toys. You would just think she wanted to be just like her older brother, right? I think he loves his sister. If it would make you feel better then talk to a psychologist but other than that just enjoy you children as much as possible.

Stop researching, you will drive yourself crazy.

You do not mention if he has boys to play with. I think you need to get him involved in a boys sport or group. Sign him up for Tee ball, football get him doing typical boy things.

Please understand I know girls also play these sports, but I mean try to find a boys only team for him.

Great first question - welcome to the site!

I haven't read any of the answers yet, but this sounds just like the sons of two of my friends who have older sisters. They both went through these phases. One wanted to be a ballerina, have his nails painted and wear dress-up girl clothes. The other regularly plays with his sister's Barbies (and now even has some of his own because he loves them so much), and he does their hair and dresses them up.

If your daughter were playing with trucks and cars and dressing like a firefighter or had a toy tool bench would you be as upset? Probably not, right? Either way, it's no big deal.

Both of these boys I know also play sports and are in Boy Scouts, etc. I think it just what happens when you have an older sister. Don't fret over it.

I have a brother who is 5 years older than me. When I was little I wore his hand me downs because my mom did not want to spend a lot of money on my clothes. I also had very short hair because my mom thought that cutting it short will make it easy to manage and apparently she heard that it makes the hair grow thicker. I also spent some of my summers with my brother and two older cousins who were boys. I had many friends who were boys and I liked to ride bicycles with them. Actually a few people thought that I was a boy. But I also enjoyed "girlie" things - nice dresses, dolls, etc. The older I grew up, the more feminine I became (starting from the first grade). I love beautiful dresses, high heels, make up, manicures/pedicures and I have had long hair for years. I think it's just a period and don't see a need to have a psych eval. Just let him be. You might be worried he will be transgendered etc but you will have a better understanding if that's the case when he grows up more. No psychologist will know your child better than you do. Besides, there are a plenty of metro sexual guys who love to dress up, have nice haircuts, take care of themselves, and I think it's actually not a bad thing.

Um, whatever. I have a child with autism, so when parents freak out about things like their kid's identity or playthings, I think, at least your child has an identity and plays with toys. Be grateful he wants to interact with you, even if it feels like too much, it's better than none at all or only when he wants something.

Transgender... I am shaking my head because that is just SO not a big deal in my world.