So Frustrated with Husband!

Would he even go to marriage counseling?

Sounds like both of you are no where near the same page.

Luck to you.

Marriage Counseling Nebraska
William M. Rucker (MSW, LMHP)
William M. Rucker - Couple Counselor
8610 W Dodge Road, Suite 3
Omaha, Nebraska 68114
###-###-####

This guy is pretty good. My husband and I went to him.

C.- I so know how you feel! I actually did the "sit down" with my husband and said that maybe we should get some counselling and that did not go well either. My dh is fine withthe kids but will just go watch tv in the bedroom while I am at work adn then when I get home and ask o\how things went he doesn't say anything and then if there is a spat between the kids he says "now you know how I feel". Mind you this is from a DH who has worked on the rd for 5 years and is usually only at home on weekends! I just ignore him. I actually went as far as saying that I love him but if he doesn't wantt o start acting like part of the family he can leave. He has improved since that discussion. He also does the Oh is there someone else to me and I told him that one adult male is enough in my life and there is no way I would do it again! So just to let you know that you are not alone! Good Luck!

C.,
(((((((hug)))))))))first! I am sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I can tell you the best 2 books I ever read saved my marriage early on. Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and Dr. Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages for Couples.
We had 4 children in 3.5 years and my husband had always been selfish because he was the baby of the family and never had to "share" of himself. Wow did the children send us into a tailspin because of the difference in our natures-I am a first born who cares for everyone. I have some questions for you to ask yourself- and you have to be honest- not arguing your point in your head- be honest.
1- Does he do something that HE thinks is a sign of his love for you- but you just don't get the fuzzies over it and you wonder why he is doing it because it is obvious to you he does not understand that is not what you want? (this is a love language issue then- you are both loving and not in the same language)
2- Are you taking time for HIM? I know this is a hard one. You CANNOT afford to put the children first. Your husband is the one who will be there (God willing) when they are grown and gone. The children are a RESULT of your relationship with him- they are not to take the place of our marriage once they are born, rather we fit THEM INTO our marriage. I know how hard it is to take the time to put on a negligee or want to watch a hockey game when you really dont like it- let alone to take the time to plan a date for each other. He may be feeling left out. You both had the children, but in most homes, then the mom becomes focused on the kids and thinks the husband should be okay with "holding on" until she has "time" and "energy" for him. I have found that when I took the time to put my hubby first, the rest fell into line. The kids were more managable and I was less stressed- and amazingly enough- HE WANTED to HELP! I was shocked.
3-IF you are considering leaving him: you are already doing this all alone in your mind, right? Except you aren't. He is still there some, and he is providing part or all of the income- if you leave- you TRULY will be doing it ALL alone. Are you ready to watch your children go through the trauma of divorce or separation (both DH and I are products of this) and to have them still watch you fight with thier dad about money, time and responsibility? Divorce does not change that- it just makes it harder to manage what little resources you have. I would strongly urge you to consider that unless he is abusive to you or the children or is putting you in danger (by extramarital "fun")then stay and give it 2 years to work on.

We are now taking a small group study on a book called Love and Respect. Let me tell you- it is amazing how much made sense right off the bat. Do not get the book and tell him to read it... that won't work. Men "hear" things differently from us. Instead here are the magic words: I NEED. For example: I feel (one word feeling here)unhappy (or neglected or sad) that we do not communicate well. I need (no accusations here- just what you need)to go to counseling and I need you to go with me to support me.
The key is what YOU feel and what YOU need (not want).
I know you may blow off this whole post- and that is ok, but I have to tell you we are now in our 15th year of marriage and we both came from broken families- had NO examples of healthy marriage. I am in college now to become a pastor who counsels couples and women on marrital and sexual issues. I am not saying this is professinal advice by far, but it is definitely from experience.
Many of the other ladies have made some VERY valid points and advice. If you are Christian or Jewish, please pray over this (or meditate, whatever).
Blessings.

Rough stuff you're dealing with. Let me share with you (and all the other moms that read responses and are going through similar situations) what helps my husband and I have a wonderful relationship:

1) We spend time together (not just talking about our "problems" but actually doing fun things that used to -when we were dating- ignite the loving spark

2) When I find myself seeing all the things he's doing wrong, for each negative thing I see in him, I try to find two or more POSITIVE things that I see in him (this one can be very hard at first, but you'll see how the list of good things grows!)

3) I leave little love notes for him telling him some of those good things that I recognize in him.

4) Be physically intimate and be the one to initiate it.

5) If none of these work, you should get some great ideas from this website:
http://www.providentliving.org/ses/emotionalhealth/0,1228...

Good luck with everything! Don't give up. The work is worth it for you and your family!!!

Wow you just described my dad when I was growing up. Your husband sounds like my dad. I have major issues with my dad to this very day, and decided I'd rather not have him a part of my life or my child's life last summer so we haven't spoken to him in months now. I kept thinking my dad would change, I blamed myself if I was a little better if I did this or that. At the age of 27 I finally realized he was never going to change. I feel I was nothing but a burden to my dad growing up. He would say things like children should be seen and not heard. He never took me anywhere or did anything special. We too would wrestle and beat eachother up in the family room for fun but that was about it. When he came home from work he just wanted to drink his beer and sit in front of the tv. He never helped me with homework or anything. He was also a single father so used that as his excuse. Why I'm telling you this, is because it still effects me to this very day and my brothers and I have all had serious relationship-life problems because of his lack of love and caring. PLEASE do something, it's not a healthy environment for your children. My dad slept til noon or so when I was little, on weekends. Friday night was his bowling/drinking night. I was to fend for myself often. I took myself trick or treating in 2nd grade because noone would go with me...that is so dangerous. All he cared about was himself he is the most selfish person I know.

C., this is one of those topics that can be very controversial. Some women may say, he'll never change and just leave him, and others will start preaching the bible (no offense please) that divorce is not in God's eyes and just live with it. My advice, go beyond just talking it out and cut right to the chase. Simply ask him, "do you realize you are losing your family? Do you even care that you are?"

My husband quite honestly was the exact same way, with the exception of him leaving early for work. That was something he never did unless it was for family. He was very disrespectful to my feelings without even realizing it. Though I knew he loved us, I didn't feel loved. I felt like his tv and gagdets were more important than me and my son (my girls live with their father during the school-year). I was always paniced about having supper ready in time, so that his grumpiness would be eased with food in his mouth (hungry = instant grouch). I made the decision that I was going to leave him and that our marriage was basically over. I did try talking to him many many times. It usually ended with one of us saying "F" you and walking out the door. Keep in mind this was building up over years, and not just days or months.

It actually took him almost losing me for him to realize what he was doing to me personally, our family, and our marriage. I seriously had my plan in motion. What it came down to was he didn't even realize what he was doing. No matter how much I told him that he was hurting my feelings, he didn't get it. Once he realized what he was doing (and after a few counseling sessions), I got the man that I married back. He did a complete 180, and quite honestly, I fell in love with him all over again. I think we are more happy now than when we first got married.

I am so sorry that this became so long-winded. I don't want you to throw your marriage away though. It took my being in another man's arms and the possibility of carrying that man's baby to open my husband's eyes. I know that was a bad decision on my part, but going through what we did, and working on our marriage the way we did made us so strong. Now knowing that our new little one is my husband's, I was asked if I wished I had never said anything about the affair. I said no, because our marriage would have failed anyway. I'm not telling you to got romp with someone else, but don't let your marriage and your feelings towards your husband lead you astray. It was by the grace of God that things worked out the way they did.

B.

The saddest news in the world is that most men don't make good dads - at least the kind of dads that we see on TV or in movies. TV and movies glamorize the single dad over the married mom. How do they get away with it?

From a single mother's point of view (my two kids that have visited dad for 17 years) there are UP sides and DOWN sides. The ups outweigh the downs for the mom - but the downs outweigh the ups for the kids. The kids end up angry and mad at who-ever decided to end the marriage - in this case you.

Read: The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. This will help you to sort out your anger around his lack of interest and helplessness. This book is a lifesaver!

Then: Start taking time away from home that is just YOUR time - cheerfully (in other words, don't tell him in anger that it's because you deserve time off, etc., but just because it sounded like fun or a good thing to do). Meet friends for coffee, go to the library in the evening, etc. Taking time away from home is natural and fun.

Then: Plan to be away from home every Saturday (it's your new day off). Take a class or just tell him you are taking a class and leave the house at 7:30am no matter what. Let him know what is expected of him and let him run the show for a while. He'll be doing this anyway on weekends if you leave him altogether so you might as well give him a taste of it.

Then: Stop doing everything that needs to be done with the kids. When he starts playing with the kids, or before he has the chance to hole up in his office, grab the keys and go out for a walk or a drive.

When you sign the kids up for evening or weekend activities, assign him the driving. If they are too young to sign up for activities, make plans for them to visit his family, taking the kids and leaving you at home alone.

Men who live with competent women freak out because they don't feel they have a role in the house anymore once the kids come. The more you do everything, the more he will back away from the family. Giving him real things to do that he cannot get out of will help a lot. It's funny, but they won't think of taking charge of what to do, but they will be in charge if you leave them the task.

All of this must be done cheerfully and as though it is the best possible outcome for the kids. Don't let him think you don't believe he can handle it. Leave him notes if you must, but if this guy can handle a job, he can handle the kids.

In the end: Plan a weekend away all by yourself. Go on a retreat - go stay with a friend. Take a break.

Believe me, once he has the opportunity to be the dad all alone and without anyone telling him what is right or wrong in his actions, he will love the time you give him and warm up to the task. Once you let him know that you believe in his ability to take care of them, he will be glad to co-parent with you again.

The bottom line here C. is that you married him because you loved him. That love is still in there - you just need to give it some space to reorganize under the new family system. Read: The Dance of Anger. Really - you will be glad you did.

Divorce is a last resort once you have tried everything to save your marriage. I would never go through it again myself - it has afforded me a life that is financially and logistically challenging. It has made my kids grow up too fast. I don't recommend it.

i struggled with something similar although we weren't married. he changed after the birth of our son. i can honestly say its been better for us without him in our lives although i still struggle with the fact my son doesnt have a father. he moved to a different state & has no contact. he was diagnosed with bipolar disease & has struggled with finding the right meds etc...-i'm in contact with his mom.
long story short, you need to do what is right for your children. once out of their lives maybe he'll come around & realize what he's missing out on. you all need to move on.
you can find other male role models which would be better than what they have right now...
speaking from experience! S.

C., I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband was very similar. I totally agree with one of the other responders who suggested you focus on the things he does that you appreciate and thank him for them. We are all the same, we need strokes. When all we get is criticism, we are less likely to respond but thanks and appreciation often leads to willingness to do more.
Since you are in Omaha, you might want to think about attending the marriage conference sponsored by Family Life Today (a Christian group) this weekend in Lincoln (March 21-23) at the Marriott/Cornhusker. The one in Omaha was this past weekend (March 14-16). They have them almost every year; my husband and I attended a couple of years ago and it was very helpful. They focus on spending time together as a couple and the weekend includes a date night, just the two of you.
Good luck and don't give up. It took my husband many years and a serious illness on my part before he woke up and realized how short life is. Over the last two months, because of my illness and issues with my elderly mother, my husband has done almost ALL of the cooking and cleaning and most of his own laundry (I won't let him do mine). Even now that I am feeling better he still offers to help. So my point is, don't ever give up and don't lose hope.

I am sorry for the way he is acting towards you and your children. It is very frustrating to have someone liuke that in the home. I dont know of any marriage counselors but My pastor at the Vineyard Christian Fellowship
13305 I St, Omaha, NE 68137 ###-###-####
(near the sams club and home depot) Is a great person to talk to . His name is Pastor Scott Ross. ( I dont know if you are religous but just if you need a middle man to help out I hope you would give it a shot. The website to them is: http://www.omahavineyard.org/ if you would like to understand them a little more before calling. They hold marriage groups also. He is a wonderful person has always helped us out in our time of need. I hope you find peace in your relationship.

Hi C.,

Have you ever heard the saying you can only change yourself? I think that is very true you only have control of changing yourself, not your husband.
There is a good book for wives called Created to be His Help Meet. I don't agree with everything in the book, and that is ok because it is not the Bible. Anyways, if your interested, you can order it online at www.NoGreaterJoy.org.

S.

OMG - you just described my relationship with my ex! That sounds like I wrote that! (Except my children to not have ADHD, and he would go with us somewhere, and then make our time miserable).

I don't have any great advice - sorry! Me and my ex (father of my 2 girls) broke up right after Christmas - & I am SO much happier, I can't even believe it. I suffered from horrible depression, and now am so much happier without him. The stress of being a single mom and all the hell he's still putting me through (took all the money, won't pay child support, won't pay the bills he left here, won't show up when he says he will to see the kids, etc.) is no comparison to the stress I had living with him!

I'm not encouraging you to get divorced by any means. I would def try counseling and reading a marriage book together (Dr. Phil is supposed to have a great one - I haven't read it tho). This will only work if though if you are both are willing to put everything into making it work.

Sorry I'm not much help, I just read your post and it sounded like me, so I had to comment!

Good luck to you! I hope everything gets better vor your family.

Been there, done that!
I am divorced - and at times question my decision. Remember, the court will order visitation with dad every other weekend. I have 3 ADHD children. I love the freedom from him, but hate to see what my children go through. The selfish aspect only grows as the years go by. Midlife - needs a motorcycle, a bigger truck, hunting and more guns, etc. etc. etc. Can't take off work to do something with the kids. Mom does all the running. Dr. Laura would say stick it out - but she has never been in the situation.

Dear C., I too know how you feel. My approach has been multiple fold - a little bit of all the things that people have already suggested to you. We did some counseling and it helped a little bit. He got treated for depression. It helped a little bit. We try to talk things out, and it also helps a little bit. I have had a special friend to do things with and confide in - probably has saved my life. But nothing changes the inherent nature of our guys - they are selfish, they are insecure, and they don't realize what they're losing. I know my husband loves and needs us, but he doesn't know how to interact socially with us and I think feels intimidated by us. My husband does do a lot with our kids individually, and I realize from a financial point that we are better off together than apart. Yes, our expectations are not unreasonable for many, but I think that we have to accept that our situation is not going to provide an equal partner, a friend, a real lover. I am not willing to get a divorce because I don't want one day or holiday to go by without my kids with me. That is something I won't compromise. One thing I learned to tell myself is that I can live with a lot more than I thought I could. I suggest dealing with the tension personally and give it time. I actually privately commit to "one more year" every time our anniversary rolls around, and now we've made it 17 years. I do think it's better for all of us to remain an intact family as flawed as it is. It teaches our kids that life isn't perfect and that we need to make the best out of Plan B. Good luck and God bless.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I wish I had answers, I can say you are not alone. My husband and I are seeing a counselor at Lutheran Services, there might be a branch in your area. I chose them because they are family orriented. I too love my husband but we are driving eachother insane. I also am seeing a psychiatrist for post partum depression, but I've had depressive issues my whole adult life.

Good Luck

C.-

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your husband is depressed. I went to an exellent couples counselor in Racine. Do you live close? Her name is Stephanie and she is at St. Luke's. She tells it like it is.

God Bless You!

C.-
That sounds exactly like my husband after my daughter was born. Thank goodness he is not that bad some 3 years later. He told me this is why he acted like that. He was immature & he was scared of all the responsibility. He still is not perfect at times & I look at the other fathers who wake up at the normal time on the weekends & remain calm with the children & think of his shortcomings. I am certainly not perfect either though & it's as journey for both of us. Most of all he is going to have to make the decision to change & it's not fair to you to take on most of the work. You need to do marriage counseling right away & get to the root of the problems. Do not let it drag on for years.
Brekka

I would like to suggest Al-Anon! It is free and their are meetings that the kids can go with you, if you don't have a sitter! Love him from a distance and learn how to take care of you and the kids without resentment! It will help you!
PRAY!!!!

Dear C.,

This is a heavy burden for you right now and I feel your pain. It's hard enough to meet your children's and your own needs without adding all of your husband's. You have two choices. You can continue the way you are going and end up divorced in which case your will be making lawyers rich and you, your husband and your children poorer. You will be at odds with him your whole life and your children will get deeply hurt. They will end up tossed between two homes and instead of having parents devoted to helping them achieve their goals. They will likely suffer emotionally, academically, in extra-curricular activities and in being able to with their friends. Life will get way more complicated and difficulty for everybody including all your family and friends. However, the idea of being miserable your whole life is something no one can face. So you really need to get serious about this now while you can save your marriage and turn it back to a thing of beauty. It can happen. I know because I have been there and made it through the bad times. Our family enjoys being together and our marriage is strong now. My husband still has a long way to go before he's perfect but I'm sure he thinks the same of me. Still we both know that the other person cares and really is trying.

Your husband seems to be depressed, feeling trapped and turning to his buddies for strength to go on with life. I think he hates his job and he feels miserable in his family too even though he loves all of you. You need to be there for him now. You need to be the one he talks to and then help him figure a way out of the pit he is in. If you can help him now, in the long run he will be there for you and your children. You just have to believe this and reach deeper. Remember back to the man you married and keep believing in him. Try whatever positive loving things you can to reach out to him including being intimate physically. Try to put your husband before your children right now. Treat him as you would when you were dating him before you were married. Leave the children with family or friends and get at least a few hours away together regularly. Become his best friend again. Once you reestablish your relationship the way it should be, he will be able to enjoy being with you and the children. This is tough but if you really try without complaining or being critical for an extended time, I think you will see big changes. You may need help from a marriage counselor, a pastor or whoever you can get your husband to open up and talk to. Guys have a hard time talking things out with someone so go with whoever he will talk to that can get the conversation going between the two of you. The main thing is not to fight to get your point across right now or to win a verbal match but to reconnect with him emotionally. Your issues have to come after you have reestablished your marriage. This is pretty tough but I believe you can do it because you are a mom and your love for your children will make you strong. This is best for all of you.

Hang in there, You are a strong person and can get through this. I know, I have as alot of other Moms/women have. You will know what to do and when to do it.
Take time to thin it through. Good Luck

Wow. I'm so sorry you're in this position and I'm also sorry that you've received such completely wrong responses from some of these people. I've been in the position of having children and considering divorce. Try to make that your last resort, you don't want to live with any regrets down the road. Our society is WAY to eager to jump to divorce when they run into troubled waters and that IS unhealthy for children unless you have no other choice or are in an abusive relationship. All I can say is that it sounds like BOTH of you are unhappy, which can be resolved but you'll need outside help. Find a counselor and go by yourself if he refuses. Google "marriage" on the internet and start reading. You're going to need to work on and change yourself before your husband will change- you can't make him change by "demanding", "abandoning" or "giving him a taste of his own medicine." He's only going to change when he sees you changing and if he doesn't, you'll have to make those decisions down the road. You're going to need to be the bigger person, and not stoop down to his level by treating him how he's treating you. If he is dealing with something more serious, like depression, you'll still need counseling. "5 Love Languages" by Dr. Willard Harley is a good place to start for reading material. You can find his website on the internet.

Hello, from your comments, there appear to be several matters of concern; appearingly separating himself from his family; anger with his ADHD son, and lack of response to your expressed concerns. With the responses from him that you have listed, it seems unlikely that he would agree to see a counselor. However, that should not keep you from seeking counseling. It will help your perspective in dealing with his behaviors. Additionally, how long has it been since he had a good and complete physical? Could he be suffering from depression? You don't mention the presence of alcohol use or drugs. Does he consume alcohol on a regular basis (daily?). These can be vital factors in a person's behavior(s) and sttitudes about matters. If he won't go to speak to someone with you, it is in your best interest (and that of your children) for you to go -- even if alone. Good luck to you!

Been there and done that. I too have a son who's ADHD to the point that it took medical staff over a year to find something that works. My hubby started to act that same way when my kids were younger and when I finally gave up, I left with the kids. Told hubby that he needed to get his fanny to see a consoler before we could address our issues, which he did. Found out that most of the problems lay with him. We are now some 12 years later almost back to square one. Since hubby is disabled and is now a stay at home dad, he has forgotten his parenting skills and it's making for a lot more fights between all of us. My children are a lot older and are starting to resent their father because of the way he's acting. I guess what I'm saying, do what you have to do to save the family unit. If you feel that you have to leave, leave, if you have to see a consoler, see one with him or without him. Do what ever you have to do and above all keep talking to who ever will listen to your problems otherwise you'll end up depressed.

The key to getting a horse into a horse trailer is to convince the horse that it wants to do it, not that YOU want him to do it. The same goes for most men. Its a control thing. When men feel they are being pressured to things (pretty much anything) they don't seem to want to do it. Sooooo, my advise to you is to avoid letting your husband know you want anything from him. Become independant. Have fun without him, go out of your way to convince him that you are a happy person and don't need to be with him to be so. Once he feels the pressure of knowing you want him to do things with you lift, he will probably start to come around once he thinks its his idea and not yours. Do yourself a favor and listen to the lyrics of "Guys do it all the time" by Mindy McCreedy and apply it to your life. He will realize that two can play that game and he won't like it when he's the one feeling lonely and unloved. Try ignoring his complaining and walk away. He'll soon learn that your not gong to listen to it and stop. I know, pathetic that we have to play these games with them, but they work. Once he starts complaining about your behavior let him know that its exactly what you feel like when he does it to you!!! Good luck!!!

Hi C.,
Well, it sounds like you need a break! Maybe you could have someone watch the kids for a weekend and you and your husband get away for the weekend and rekindle the marriage and remember why you fell in love with each other. Sometimes we get caught up in kids, work and life and forget to stop and smell the roses. My husband and I argue about our ADHD son and how to disipline him and we just need to take a break sometimes and get away as a couple. Not sure if this will help. Good luck!

Tammy S

I am sorry you are facing this frustrating situation. I recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Great book-- It will TOTALLY change your perspective and possibly your relationship. Don't give up so quickly. We are a society that promotes instant fixes-- "Hey, if you're not happy, just leave... People won't ever change, etc. etc." But like everything else that is worthwhile in life, it takes a lot of hard work and tenacity. Hang in there.

I have the same situation with an older man that is trying to be a father. It is just hard to change someone that is set in there ways. If he was alone he would realize what he misses, cause I let him alone when i told him not to come home and he soon realized how it was to be left alone and had no one around. Not saying you should do this but it sure makes these men realize what they are doing or not doing to there family by not being involved in there daily living skills that are so needed to run a healthy family atmosphere. Things are still not the greatest but it is better, but I feel communicate what you feel to him and ask him if he would rather be alone then face being a father and being involved in there life and see what happens. I hope I can help more you can always respond back to me if you need to talk

Hi Mrs H.
I don't live in your state, but have you talked to a Pastor at your church or a marrige counselor. Because of the children you should try counseling first, and if this does not work pray on it, ask God and he will guide your heart. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

Ms H.

Hi C.,

It sounds as if you know what you have to do. If he isn't listening to your heart to hearts then it may be best to seek professional help. If he doesn't want to, you will at least know you tried. If you aren't happy your kids are picking up on that too. Just remember (From personal experience) that you can't change something that doesn't want to be changed. I hope things work out for the best for you and your family. N.

Hi C.,

I don't think that I have any advice to help you through this b/c I feel the same way sometimes. My husband acts the same way sometimes. The only recommendation that I have is to maybe check with UNO (university of Nebraska-Omaha). I'm not sure if they have any counselors/therapists there. You should check with them family science deapartment or UNMC (Univ. of Nebraska Med. Center). I don't know your financial situation, but not very many ppl can afford to pay outright for a therapist and this would a less costly avenue.

Try telling him all the things that he DOES do right (at times it will be hard, I know! But come up with something, anything! "I like your choice of socks today!") It will take a while, but after compliment, after compliment, he may decide he likes it and actually start trying to please you! Somehow, positive thinking and positive reinforcements work wonders! And who knows? You may even find that you actually begin to feel differently about him, too! Somehow, this works. It has changed my life forever. Be sincere and don't give up!

Hi C.,

If it makes you feel any better, you are dealing with what 80% of moms are dealing with. I highly recommend the book "Babyproofing Your Marriage." http://www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/
I can't say enough good things about this book. It will be enlightening to you and your husband to understand the PROFOUND changes that take place with men and women upon becoming parents, with practical suggestions to help overcome the struggles. (and has you laughing along the way!) Most of the rants you have outlined are covered in the book. This book works - my own husband, who won't read anything, let me read enough of this to him to make a HUGE difference in our marriage. (Check it out at the library if you don't want to spend the money)

Grace and peace be with you!

Hi C.,
Well, it looks like you have received a lot of (good) advice already, so I will keep this short. When I read your post I immediately thought -- wow, that's familiar! IMO, your husband sounds like he may have a clinical depression issue -- my husband was the same way prior to having kids. The good news for me is that we were older and thus looking into adoption for a while, and through that he got some counseling and on some medication. There is a definite strain of depression/chemical dependancy (they can go hand in hand) in his family, so I'm one to believe it is both environmental and physical. Anyway, he is soooooo much better now -- and so much easier to get along with, it's amazing. We have a good relationship and he is a wonderful father. Unfortunately, you cannot MAKE someone seek help -- it is something they have to realize for themselves and it can take years, if ever... In the meantime, if I were you, I'd look out for myself and my kids -- do what's important to YOU and your CHILDREN. If he doesn't participate, well, sad for your kids, but his loss. If he is unbearable to live with, I would consult an attorney to protect yourself and your children. Living on pins and needles is not good for anyone. Maybe it will be the wake up call he needs to seek some help and make some positive changes.

Best of luck,
A.

I'm sorry I don't have advice on what you can do about this situation, but I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. My husband was perfectly happy in our marriage until we had children. He's simply not happy being a dad and it breaks my heart. I think he really tries to be a good dad sometimes, but it just isn't in him naturally. I look at myself, and I see someone who genuinely loves being a parent and makes the children's well-being and future a top priority. Spending our weekends doing scout activities, sports, or dance is just a part of my life right now and I enjoy it. My husband, on the other hand, finds it a real imposition and resents the fact that his weekends are spent participating in family-oriented events. He just can't wait until they grow up and leave us alone. Truly, that's how he feels. It breaks my heart because at some level the kids have to know this.

I know how you are feeling, and I've often wondered what life would be like without all the tension. It's difficult, but I keep going only because he is willing to play the part for now. I've lost a lot of respect for him, and a dad who doesn't want to be a dad is a real turn-off for me. Best of luck to you and your children. You will find the answers you need.

This is alot more common than you think! My mom stayed with my father so that we could have a happy family with two parents, never realizing how miserable we really were. I have seen other parents try and do the same thing with their family with the same out come. The importance of a family is to show a supportive and loving environment from both parents, when that is not availible it is time to change the family structure. Either through counciling, through family services or your local church or as a last resort separation/divorce.

Is he jealous of the kids? Do you still Love him? Have a special night for just the two of you every two weeks and see if that doesn't help. If it doesn't he may need a wake up call that it is time to grow up, kick him out.

If you do not love him, you need a wake up call. don't live with being treated that way. And the kids can see this too! You are doing it pretty much alone now anyhow, kick him out.

I know this seems like not the advice you may want to hear but it is the kids you need to think of first, then yourself especially if he is not helping/participating, and I speak from experience, you are setting a bad example for the kids.

By the way I followed my moms example in my first marriage, it lasted 2 years, my second marriage with 6 kids and 2 foster kids... well we celebrated our 25th last September. There are good guys out there, but you have to be free to find them, or rather for them to find you! LOL

Hi C.,

I feel very much how frustrated you are. I am sorry that youhave to go through this. I am not a counselor, but I would like to let you know what I seem to have learned in my life:
Men seem to have a harder time connecting to children, because they have to keep their energy up to face the world outside of the family.
Before you consider separation what do you think would happen if you would make believe that you are already without him? I dont mean ignore him, but do what you need to do. It is very hard raising a child that has ADHD. Perhaps your husband is scared dealing with it. Perhaps he feels also some guilt that he cant explain.
It sound to me that he still loves you or he would not come home. Do you tell him of the progress your son is making, what you did to see the progress?
Can you get a babysitter and just go out with your husband for a fun night?

I will be the up side on this and I'm not sure how how old your kids are but with my first 2 daughters my husband was this way and I just got fed up with it one day and said this is enough I'm done and if something doesn't happen I'm leaving. I left it on him and him alone and the next day I started to see a change it took a very long time and my daughters are now 5 & 6 but we were doing good and had talked of another child I explained to him things needed to be differant or I was not having another child"as a single parent" as I call it. He agreed but at first his old habits came back I finally just made him I would say I'm going to do this be back at this time and he has become such a good dad now I get every weekend to myself if I choose because I stay home with the kids and run a daycare, he plays with them and started doing more around the house. I think you should xplain to him or write a letter then he cant come back at you when your talking it might be a lost cause but if he could understand where your coming from he might change his ways. Good luck I know it's hard.

Darrell Rohling from Life Dynamics counseling was really good for us. ###-###-#### He is in Woodbury. I do think that counseling is your best option to figuring out why he is behaving like that. Good luck I hope things get better. And I would do counseling first before you seperate or anything.

I am so sorry your frustrated with your hubby! I have only one piece of advice. Let him sweat. Get up one Saturday AM and leave him with the kids. Turn the phone off, go to the spa, shopping, movies, whatever. Dont tell the kids, dont tell him. Your children will wake him and demand his attention and if he is responsible he will jump into action. After a few or more (I stress more) hours; come home and demand him to listen to your needs. Perhaps after a scare of no mommy for a day he might just realize your serious.

Goggle Marriage and Family Therapists and your state and they should have a list. Also a good website is Psychology Today to find therapist. I am a therapist in MN but I don't have any therapist I know in Omaha! Use the internet! You should find something. Go to counseling for yourself if nothing else. But couples would be great.

you are sooooo right! Get him to see that you both need to counsel together, and that your tensions are very bad for the kids! If he loves them, he should see this.
If he refuses to cooperate, you and the kids need to pack up and leave for awhile; good friend or family member that is supportive of your goal.
My parents fought and were never on the same page when I was a kid. It was painful and destructive. And it made my marriage life real hard in the beginning! Kids learn what they live. You are right, he needs to grow up and become responsible and a better example, and you need to refuse to fight around the kids, or get out with them!
Good luck! This is a hard situation.
L. P.

It sounds very much like your husband is suffering from depression. We as women very often miss this obvious disorder in our husbands because the behavior tends to be drastically different for depressed men as opposed to depressed women.

"Unlike women, "men don't come in talking about feeling sad or depressed per se," says Sam Cochran, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Iowa and co-author of Deepening Psychotherapy With Men. "They come in complaining about problems at work or their performance on the job." Instead of being weepy, men are more apt to be irritable and angry -- moods that aren't included in the classic diagnostic tests. "Their sadness and helplessness are hidden behind a mask of anger," says Pollack. Often, unfortunately, neither doctors nor men themselves recognize that as a red flag."

Here's the rest of that story:

http://www.rd.com/health/mental-health/depression/the-und...

I sincerely hope you are able to get your husband the help he needs, but be ready for a challenge. You'll be in my prayers!

Hi C.,
I think we have something in common here! I always thought my husband would be the greatest dad ever but after our daughter was born last January I have different thoughts. My daughter was colic for the first 3-4 months. He would constantly yell at her and be rough with her. It got to the point that he would just leave and I'd have to deal with her because he would want nothing to do with her. It took a big toll on me; also considering we didn't have really any family to help us out. Now she's 14 months just about and he loves her when she's happy but if she's in a bad mood or doesn't do something he wants her to he reverts right back to doing what he used to do. She'll want nothing to do with him if I am around. This behavior just pushes me away from him. I have talked to him alot about this and he just gets upset. We always said that we'd have the same parenting views and that we'd never yell in front of her but we don't have the same views and we have yelled at each in front of her. I have also considered leaving my husband (and still am considering) and I try to sit down and talk to him but he blows up too. And therapy- ha, forget about it. He'd never do it. So, yeah, I don't really know what to do either. Plus we have a house we'd have to sell too. Let me know what you end up doing.

My husband did something close to what your husband is doing. Yes what most of these women are saying is true but I have only one thing to add. Sometimes when a spouses behavior is drastic and damaging you have to do something drastic! I hid my husbands xbox (he thought i threw it away), if he bought beer I took it back to the store with or without receipt, I broke and flushed cigarettes, I stopped cooking for him, I stopped talking to him and the list goes on! I finally reached my breaking point and I left him that's when he agreed to counseling and our marriage survived we fell in love again. BTW I read the book the by Dr. Laura Schlessinger, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and in my situation it didn't help right away. We had to get to the root of the problems we had before we could work on things like taking out the trash and spending a night out. Trust me honey we needed more than a night out! Good luck and you can private message me anytime!

Also, I'd like to say that the only thing wrong with your husband, imo, is that he is lazy and will try to do whatever you let him get away with. It's easy to say he could be depressed etc. etc., but what if he's really just being a jerk b/c he feels like it? My advice to you would be to let him know that you won't be standing for that behavior anymore and it's unacceptable. When you're finally fed up you'll be ready to do this. He's being detached from the family b/c it's easy, and so far he's being allowed to do so. He needs to accepts his responsibilites as an adult and step into grown up world like the rest of us.

OMG!! Your life sounds like mine..... with the exception that I amnot married to him, we have 2 kids together and his 8yo son live with us full time. I have completely given up and also don't ask him to do hardly anything with the kids and I. I just wanna let you know that you are not alone, there are other womenout there in the same boat.

I am so sorry for your frustration. I was wondering what he was like before the kids? Also, how does his dad treat his own mother? He may be displaying the same example that his own dad set. In his mind he may be thinking that he really is doing a great job. You have to remember that children do learn what they live. I'm talking about your husband right now. I would stop the talking and set up expectations and requirements for your relationship. Also, remind him that he is the head of the household. It is his rightful position to put your needs first before his own. This also includes his children. You can look all of this information up in the bible. Also, he must be willing to change. I have a feeling that you probably will not get him to go to a marriage counselor, but you certainly could go. It might also be a good idea it get some books on marriage. There is a great author named Gary Smalley. He is a Christian counselor who has devoted his life to saving marriages. Good luck.

C. -
I am a clinically-trained social worker, and would strongly recommend that you consider seeing a clinical social worker that has experience with couples, even if your husband won't go with you (which, of course, would be best!). Social workers are specifically trained to help people, taking into account all facets of their lives - family, community, faith, etc - not just the psychological. Our national professional organization has a web-based "finder", and I'm sure you can locate someone in Omaha that will work with you. Professionals that are listed typically have successful private practices and many years of experience. I am also hoping that you have solid resources for your son's needs - if not, please ask for help in this area, too, as there are remarkable resources available if you know how to access them. The PACER Center (located in Minneapolis) provides resources all around the country: www.pacer.org.

Here's the site to find a social worker - simply click on the "find a social worker" link: http://www.helpstartshere.org/

Good luck to you!

C.,
I'm sorry for your struggles! I've recently been feeling a little resentment towards my hubby also. Since the birth of our daughter, he just seems distracted. In my husbands defense, he works MANY hours every week (he's a manager of a retail store in our town) and they're odd hours on top of it all, so I understand that he's tired when he gets home from work...but I do get frustrated with the 'need' to sleep in on the mornings he doesn't work. Anyway, I don't know that I have any real advise for you, but know that you aren't alone, and that maybe this is just a phase....a long, drawn out phase. If he's willing to go to counseling with you, GREAT!! If he isn't, I'd start going by yourself and give yourself the opportunity to start working through the issues you have...maybe at some point your husband would like to join you. Try to remember all the things that made you fall in love with him in the first place, maybe look into doing things as a family that your husband would enjoy more. If he's an outdoorsy kinda guy, maybe this summer the family could go camping, or even just take a day trip to a local lake to fish...if he likes cars, maybe take in a car show...by doing things that he finds more enjoyable, he may find that he actually likes spending time with his family more than he thought he would. Remember also that marriage has its ups and downs...and no one can tell you how long a down can last - or how long is too long, as long as you have faith that this is just a down. I wish you all the best!

R.

C.- I can feel and sympathize with your situation.
Go to a marriage counsellor- with our without him.
If he cares enough, he'll follow along- eventually.
Call your insurance- they will recommend a local one.
Best of luck and it's tough with kids, much less one with special requirements.
B. Jarmoluk
____@____.com
http://www.mydietshop.org check out liftoff for your ADHD son or contact me for more info, check out relax now for yourself ; )

I understand how you feel. My husband after my 2nd child was born went through how should we say a "selfish stage" He had a tough job on top of it where he was on call 27/7 so some days he was home and others not. He even had to work off shore so he could be gone any where from 24 hrs to 14 days. I had to learn to be a single parent. It got really bad, when he would go to the bars after he got off with he buddies from work, and wouldn't pick me up after work. I had to call my parents. We did a lot of fighting because he was 24 and decided that he wanted to play. He didn't want to seek help with a counslor. I finaly told him to pack up his bags and move back in with his mother. I explained to him that he didn't want to be a husband and a father then it was best for him to leave. It was real tough the first few weeks. He didn't see me or the kids for 3 weeks, he even didn't visit for the Thanksgiving holiday. I told him all he had to pay was the house note and the electity and I would take care of everything else. He didn't even do that and the power got turned off. I moved back in with my parents, and to make a longer story short. It took him a year to realize that he was an ars about it. That has been 12 years ago and everything has been better. We even have 2 more kids and another on the way. You might have to make the hard choice to toss him out and let him come back when he is ready too. He either will or won't. Some guys just have to learn the hard way what they are about to miss out on. Good luck.

Dear C.,
Sometimes the best way to deal with our husbands short commigs is to have someone to vent to with out a responce. We need that. But, in your case, I think your husband sounds depressed. Marriage councling would be wonderful. Your problem? He more than likely won't go. But don't let that stop you. They say you have to work on your self first, before you can work on your marriage. The fact that you also have a child with ADHD, probably isn't helping his emotional state. Even if you end up going to counciling on your own, it would probably benifit you. It will definetly help you decide on giving him an ultimatum. Sometimes for our husbands, it takes something extreme for them to realize "hey, were in this together." The most important thing, and I know you know this, is the well being of your children. They way that your husband is being, he is not realizing that his actions, and the actions that he is not taking with his children, is damaging their relationship. I hope you find a great councelor. If he's not willing, don't let him make you feel that you two don't need it, or that it's dumb. You teach people how to treat you, and if you don't like it now, now is the time to change it. Good luck to you, and who knows, I'll probably need to vent soon, and need some straight advice.

I never want to see a marrage break up, speacially when there is kids involved, but sometimes it is for the better. If the two of you could hide the tension from your kids, keep doing what you are doing!! But if there is that much tension and all you do is fight in front of the kids, I would really decide what you want for your children. Your children are your #1 priorty, since you both decided to have them, of course the best thing would be is to step up and figure things out and get along, and be parents, (meaning mostly your husband). What you could do is just say, "Honey, we are going to ___, your more then welcome to join us." That way the kids hear you ask him and won't down the road if anything happens to the marriage, they will not try to blame you for there father not wanting to spend time with them. The will see that he said no all the time. Don't fight with him anymore. Just go about your own business. Men can be like little kids, and so sometimes you have to treat them like little kids. If he is a man, he will eventually wake up and see how much he is missing out. On a message to you, not to say that he is doing anything, but just be carefull, I have been cheated on before and I knew something was up when he stop hanging out with me, started sleeping when I was home, started going out all the time with "his friends", ect. Like I said, I am not saying your husband is doing that but just be careful. Good luck.

There needs to be some counseling for your marriage to survive. But until he is willing to accept that idea, send the kids to grandma's for the weekend, put the cops on speed dial (just in case), and sit his a** down and make him listen to your side of it and make him talk to you. It will really suck but if you threaten a divorce he might sit up and think, "Hmm maybe something needs to change?" If he still loves you and wants it to work, he will take notice if you make him. Good luck, be strong!

I don't really have any advice. I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I commend you for continuing to to try to save your marriage and improve the situation. If he is not agreeable or cooperative with marriage counseling you may be right that you and the kids would be better off in a divorced home instead of a marriage in constant turmoil. Hang in there and goo luck!!! Make sure you make time for yourself and hang out with some friends, it will help you to keep your sanity during all this.

I am all too familiar with this situation. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and he is my soul mate forever, but we have similar issues. He has a schedule of his schedule. I plan my life around what he has going on. We too have children (3 of them-13yr old son-ADHD, 11yr old son-ADHD/Bi-polar, and a 2yr old daughter-boys are from first marriage). I take the children with me whenever "I" have something to do. When I need him to take the children I get 101 excuses of what has to be done on the farm, or where he has to go, or who he has to help. None of which are anything that gets done during the time frame that were gone. I've told him that it would be nice once in awhile when the girls want to go out after work and have a few if I could go-I am always having to come home and pick up our daughter and by the time I'm going back into town it is too late. He goes to work Tues and Weds and everytime they are out till 12-1am at the bar after work. He too sleeps till 10-11-12pm on weekends and is up most of the night. I told him if he would come to bed at a normal time he wouldn't have to sleep all morning. He is also one when he does get up is a very cranky person and takes awhile to wake up. I've had a few discussions with him and instanly he gets defensive about it and says that's not how it is. Then his solution is fine, put the car seat in my pick up and I will pick the daughter up and do everything and gets upset about it like I am the one in the wrong.

Things I have done in the past is made a ton of plans during the summer for myself and the kids and just leave. Take trips with my sister and just tell him this is the weekend I'm going to be gone so you need to be here. Or will make comments such as "I'm not sure I will need to see if the roomate wants to come with..." Little things like that to get his attention.

He is a very caring person but not sure if he is only thinking of himself with the schedules. I get up with all of the kids in the morning as well as putting to bed most nights too. Sometimes he is generally hurt by some of my comments so know that he does care but not sure how to "fix" the problem....

I don't know what to say but I had to respond and just say I'm sorry. That must be really hard from you. I'm sure you feel like a single parent sometimes. It makes me feel blessed I have such a hands-on husband. I hope you can get him to go to counseling. Good luck to you.

What I do when I get frustrated w my DH is to take a deep breath - easier said than done in the heat of the moment- and then do a little reverse psychology. Instead of focusing on whatever he is doing that is irritating the you know what out of me, I do the opposite- I hyperfocus on whatever I can find that he has done RIGHT or that he has done to make me happy etc.

For example, maybe he loaded the dishwasher or remembered to put his dirty shirt in the hamper. I just say, hey, thanks for putting your dirty clothes in the hamper, honey.

Of course, often when I am frustrated with him, I can't find anything he has done right! In those instances, I think of what he does ALL the time that is a basic thing he always done that I take for granted- like, he goes to work full time to support our family, he keeps the woodstove loaded so we don't freeze, he walks the dogs twice a day. These are some of his very basic must-do chores in our marriage. So I make a point of telling him I appreciate that he goes to work to support us, so I can stay home. etc.

Somehow focusing on the "good" stuff, even if it is just the stuff he HAS to do anyway, changes my perspective and makes me happier, at the same time it makes him feel appreciated (even if it IS for the bare basics) and then since he feels appreciated, he starts DOING more things that are worthy of my appreciation.

This works like a charm as long as I don't revert to my negative focusing habits.

(I know it sounds stupid, but just try it and see if you can do it for 3 days to a week, and see what changes in your marriage).

Using what you wrote, I would start with saying "thank you for playing with our kids for ten minutes today, they really love it when you take time to be with them!"

and "I know I don't tell you this enough, but thank you for working to support our family. I know work sucks right now for you, but I wanted you to know how much it means to me that you put up with it so we don't go broke."

Just look for ANYTHING small that he does that you can verbally appreciate. Especially when he does something you've asked him to do, but also for the stuff you don't ask for and that you don't really usually notice.

I realize this might not work for your particular situation, but I do think it's worth a try.

you poor thing. I am about there too- only mine doesn't work, just plays video games all day.

Here's a wonderful book: Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I believe he is actually a marriage counselor, so if you pair this up with actual appointments with someone, you may have the added bonus of having more understanding of how men and women work.

There's also another book called Finding the Hero in Your Husband by Dr. Julianna Slattery. Also helpful. :)

I am just going to suggest a book - a book that I believe is important for all wives to read. It is by Stormie Omartian and it's called The Power of a Praying Wife. It walks you through many different areas and ways of praying for your husband and it starts by praying for his wife, yourself. A marriage counselor would also be a great idea, not from that area though.
I will be praying for you both!

C., if nothing else, go to counseling by yourself. I doubt that he would be willing to go with. He sounds a lot like my x husband. After years of fighting with him to do what he is supposed to as a father and a husband, I'd had enough. His idea of being a good father and husband was that he brought home the pay and that was all he had to do. Literally. Everything else was left to me. Finally I realized that I too could earn a paycheck to live on just as well and still do everything. It hasn't been easy let me tell you, but I am so much happier now.

Kids are resilient. A couple of years after I took the kids and left, both my kids confessed to me that they used to pray that we would get divorced and are happy that we did. My son (16) even tells me that he now knows how not to be because his dad has continually set that example for him. My daughter (13) is continually in her dads face during visits trying to get him to spend time with her and often comes home frustrated and unhappy with him. Both my kids love their dad but neither have any respect for him as he has continued to behave the same selfish ways towards them. They don't blame me at all, in fact when I took my maiden name back my kids asked if they too could change their last name (I refused that). Kids see and understand so much more than we ever give them credit for. Even divorce and losing his family didn't cause this selfish man to change.

I'm not saying that divorce is the answer for you, but coming from this end, it's not the end all that many would have you believe. It isn't easy, but it is easier than living with what we were and I wouldn't change a thing. We are all happier for it. The decision is yours and it's a tough one. Took me two years to make it and the day I told him I wanted out was the toughest day of my life, one that I will always remember. I will always remember too that both my kids told me, "finally" when I told them what was going to happen. My kids were actually excited to be starting a new life and very happy that they wouldn't have to deal with their dad and his selfish ways on a daily basis anymore and that the fighting wasn't going to be an issue in the house anymore.

So don't worry much about the kids, they will do fine either way. Get to a counselor and make the best decision for you and your kids. You may even consider taking your kids for a couple of sessions (especially if you decide to leave, they will need it to help them with the transition, even if they are happy for the change. It did my kids a world of good.)

For me, the catalyst was in seeing what all the problems were doing to my kids and it was for their sake that I finally found the courage I needed to leave. (My x also denies that our son has ADHD and Sensory problems. For him, to admit that there is a problem with his kids is to admit that he has a problem, something he will never do). My children are better for it, as am I. I realize that this is not the road for everyone, just thought you might like the opinion of someone on the other side. Good luck to you hun, you've got some hard decisions ahead of you. Make the one that is best for you and your kids.

there is live after devorce. If he is unwilling to go to counseling go your self He sounds like my ex. very self centered of course mine has a drinking problem but I found the my children and I were alot better off with out the tension in the house we were alot happier and though it was hard at first we ended up with a much better life.

First of all C. i would just like to say that i do not agree with Chris H's "Advice". She says that your kids will suffer if you get divorced, well i was in the same situation your are in almost 3 years ago, i tried marriage counceling, but even the councelor said pretty much theres no hope. Then i was sitting at home one day watching tv and Dr. Phil came on the first words that came out of his mouth were, Kids would be better of coming from a broken home then living in one. My Daughter has not "suffered" in any way and will not. As a mother our instincts are to prtect our kids and do whats best for them, well if you think that your kids cant tell somethings wrong your mistaking. in life we also have to make ourselves happy if your not happy your kids can tell and they wont be happy.

I'm not saying that divorce is best for everyone i just don't think its going to make your children be social out cast if it happeneds, Chris H.

Try and seek marriage counselor. If not you option may be to leave. Just make sure to try all avenues, this way you dont think you didnt try. No one deserves to be treated this way. Maybe he is depressed, but he needs to get it together. I wish you all the best of luck and God bless!

L.

I don't have this problem with my husband, but my dad was just like this when us kids were growing up. He NEVER took my mom anywhere (she didn't drive) never did anything with us as a family, no zoos, museums, or trips. He always had time and money to hunt and fish but never had $ to spend on us kids or mom. I resented/hated my dad for the longest time when we were young, and always wished mom would leave him. They are still together now after almost 43 yrs of marriage, but mom drives now and has her own money. So what I am saying is when the father is absent in the kids lives, it often makes them be hateful of him when they get a little older. Now my dad and I are a little closer, but I would never say I love you or give him a hug. He admits his being selfish back then and said he's sorry, but that erase the memories.

Your DH needs a wake-up call. I do not have a referral for a good marriage counselor in your area, but that's a good place to start. Perhaps a local church could lead you in the right direction. You also should communicate to your husband that you no longer have confidence in your future together and tell him why. Meanwhile, seek the support of your family and friends to help you get through what may be a difficult, yet eventually enlightening process. Good luck to you and have faith! You and your children deserve and need a husband/father who is present and engaged. Let your current frustration be the impetus for positive change.

Don't have much to say except that you are not alone. Did you ever consider going to counceling for you. I doubt that you will get him to go, but it might be very rewarding for you to at least get out your feelings. It also may allow you to think more clearly on whether you want to work on the relationship or decide that you are better off without him. It is hard... kids don't make it easier and sounds like your husband is depressed and in denial about it. Good luck ...

Thats too bad! Hes missing out on alot that life has to offer. Raising children and having a family is one of the most rewarding things in life,probably the whole purpose of life. He sounds like he might be depressed. Is he willing to go to counceling? I dont live in Omaha so I cant refer you to a counceler but I do study natural healing and food is one of your best medicines,not just for energy and moods but the ADHD. I would look into that and also watch or read "The Secret" It is so uplifting and will give you a whole new out look on life.
I hope this helps! Good Luck!

Hi C.!

My name is also C. H. Wierd, huh? Anyways, your husband sounds exactly like my exhusband and trust me, my daughter was much better off without him. Tigers don't change their stripes. They are set in their ways and believe that their patterns are the correct way to live. There is no way to change that! I divorced my x when my daughter was 8, she hated me for a year but I met a very nice man with kids of his own, now we have his, mine and ours. She is very appreciative now that she is older (17) and realizes that I did this for her also. She calls my current husband her dad and has nothing to do with her father. She would if he made an effort but he also sleeps until whenever and is up half the night which aren't her hours. He doesn't go out of the way to do anything at all for her. Never did, never will. They don't care enough to change their ways. You do what is right in your own life, but like I said, a tiger never changes their stripes. I hoped this helped. My daughter now knows what kind of father she wants for her children.
C. H

This sounds like what I went through with my ex-husband. And, we tried marriage counseling for months. Nothing changed and we were divorced 1.5 years later. We were married 10 years before we had kids. It was noticable that he was not into the family, fatherhood thing after our first child (my son, ADD, Asperger's and SID). Then our daughter born 18 months later was diagnosed with eye cancer at 4 months old-he just wanted nothing to do with us after that. Same here-went everywhere with my mom because he didn't want to go. Even holidays, he wanted alone time at home while we were gone. The kids and I have been just us for the past 3 years now and there are days when I wonder, to be honest, if I shouldn't have just stuck it out and let him do his own thing while we did ours. I think of my parents, still married to this day and wonder how I would have felt had my parents divorced. At the time, I figured I am basically a single parent-might as well do it on my own without the added stress. It's a very difficult time and you are in my thoughts.

Some counseling would be highly beneficial for both of you, and if he doesn't want it, it would still be helpful for you. So many couples end up in the kind of tug of war that you are describing, even though both of you have the best of intentions and are doing the best you know how, to take care of yourselves. You could do it by phone if you don't find someone you like nearby. Look up the Option Institute at www.option.org. Their counselors are called "Mentor/Counsleors" and they help people in amazing ways. I'm sending you big hugs and blessings on your adventure in Relationship.

I felt very sad reading your story. My heart goes out to you and especially your kids. I have so many choice words for your husband but I will keep those to myself. I am speaking as a woman who grew up in a home that sounds like yours, except it was my mother. I remember thinking when I was very young that I wish we could just leave or that my mom would leave. I have very ill feelings towards my mother now as an adult, and they have gotten more so since I have children of my own. I just do not respect her and I don't think I ever will, because now she is the same type of "grandma" that she was a mom. My parents did finally divorce when I was 24, about 7yrs ago. I feel bad for my mom because she is even more bitter and mad. Everything is still my dad's fault. I have been to counceling about my parents, and he has always said that I learned by example of what not to do. Which is not that common, because we for the most part are a lot like our parents. Anyway I love being a wife and mom, and I can't imagine ever treating my girls or husband the way my mom did and the way your husband is treating your family. My heart absolutely breaks for your kids, because it has a bigger impact on them than you think. I have a stepdaughter who has issues with her biological mother and it is absolutely amazing to me how the being ignored and not getting any affection from her mother has affected her. So I am begging you to get your dead beat husband into some major counceling alone and couples right away. My guess is, is that he won't go and it is all your fault. If he doesn't please get you and your kids out of this situation. I could go on all day about this because of my childhood and what I have seen my little girl go thru, but I will stop. Just so you know how bad this could get, my little stepdaughter(we have custody) has been in counceling at least once, sometimes twice a week for over 2 years because of her mother. So I hope that you and your children can get thru this and just thrive and be happy. My guess is is that daddy is poison for the whole family, and he will continue to be as long as you allow him to keep this behavior up. My heart absolutely breaks for you. So just to be blunt and to the point get rid of the bastard!!! You and your children deserve way better than this. I am praying for you. C. W

I am going through the exact same thing !!
I am so upset all the time because he is so selfish that I would rather be alone then anywhere near him!
He does what he wants and has no time for anyone but himself. My two girls are sick of it as well.! He's on his phone more then anyone I've ever known and ignores his wife and kids...
I don't know what to do myself.. I have been through marraige counseling with him about 2 years ago and it helped a lot ... However slowly he has become even worse then before counseling! I feel your pain. ...

Hi C.,
Although you do not mention the number or ages of your children, perhaps your husband is experiencing his own personal lack of confidence with them. You did mention the frustration that he feels over your son's ADHD. This is entirely understandable as it can be so easy to lose patience with this most devastating situation for both child and parent. I know from experience that this is true, for my former husband had these same feelings. It became so unbearable that it caused tremendous feelings of inadequacy and lowered self esteem in our ADHD son, and ultimately even myself as a parent. I was unaware that before I had even met my husband, he had developed the "habit" of drowning his every emotion in alcohol. This was how he dealt with the ADHD situation as well. Although I've had alcohol and drug counselor training it is unfair of me to say that your husband is alcoholic, as I have very little to go by, but there are some signs of possible depression in your husband. For one, it sounds as though he has a lack of interest in most things. You also mentioned that he is consistently angry with your son. Often, depression tends to be more evident in men by the outward display of anger. His complaints about work could also be a factor. Perhaps a cry for help? It is also known, that alcohol is a depressant. The more he indulges, the worse his mental state could become, driving him further from the reality he does not wish to face. I'm asking you to please remember that it is not your fault, nor is it up to YOU to "fix" your husband. I do agree that some marriage counseling could get you BOTH headed in the right direction. Should alcohol actually be a real factor involved in the problem, Al-Anon is a wonderful way for you to get needed help and support. It has been a saving grace for me. In any case, if it is not too late, let your husband know he is loved and that you are willing to face the situation supportively with him and not against him.

I am a person who believes you get what you give in life. In my experience, most men are selfish and they do put themselves before anyone in their family. I too deal with a man that puts his work and his play time ahead of us. He comes home from work and we don't see him for an hour or two. He lays around in the morning and expects us to take care of dishes and breakfast while he is waited on hand and foot. These men will only change if they want to. You can't make them change, and if you don't want to spend the rest of your days with a selfish man then you should move on, if he is not willing to at least give a new approach a try. Your kids see the relationship you have with your husband and it is setting a bad example for them. I'm afraid it's going to take a serious talk to get your man on the right track. You deserve better and so do your children. This too shall pass and there is a light at the end of the tunnel...you have to keep on getting on for your sake and your children. SOunds like you need some YOU time, just like your husband gets. I think that is what gets us women, we spend all of our time making sure everyone else is taken care of and we forget about ourselves. Go take time for yourself and that will force your husband to have to do something with his children.

Hi C.,

I am a 41 year old that has gone through a alcohol marrage been divorced. Now I am in a good relationship with a great man that has some down falls. What I am going to say is if you have done everything you can to talk with him about this you need to take care of your self and your children. Get some counseling of your own and get your self on the right track. I am not sure if you work or not but you still need you time. So tell your husband that you are going to go out with the girls and set a date with them. He needs to step up and give you some time to do things also. Most of all take care of yourself and your kids. I know how hard it is but you can not change a person they have to want to change themselfs. Maybe just a night for your and him would be good also. Let him know that he is still important to you even if you have children. Good luck!

Breathe....

Way to go girl! You are doing the right thing in seeking advice. From an outsider's perspective I have three theories (partially based on my own experiences and the observation of other's).

First, your husband may be suffering from depression.
Second, your husband may be suffering from a drinking problem.
Third, your husband may be suffering from both a drinking problem, and depression.

You're husbands lack of enthusiasm for his surroundings (work, you, kids) is my first clue to suggest depression. The fact that he desires to sleep so much is my second. You should seek professional help (ie: marriage counselor) right away, if for no other reason to get advice for yourself on how to deal with this situation. Only if your husband might respond positively to the suggestion would I recommend asking him to go with you to a counselor at this point. First, seek help for yourself to make sure you are "grounded" and have a good foundation to work from. Then approach him about counseling (either joint or individual).

If he is frequenting bars (my third clue hinting to depression) to "escape" his life, this is only going to exacerbate the problem because alcohol is a depressant. Again, I would seek professional help as to how to approach this problem and how to encourage him to avoid the alcohol (if you drink, he may look at you like a hypocrite... you may want to abstain from the alcohol).

Men are wired to be the breadwinners and protectors of the family. If he is having difficulties at work, this could be triggering his frustrations and leading to all the other difficulties with home and family. Do you find him implying that his job has no meaning? Perhaps he needs to search out a job that would give him the feeling of satisfaction/purpose, even if the pay/benefits are less. Thank him for his efforts to provide for you and the kids.

There are two people who are fabulous marriage/life counselors, they are Christians, but their work is also based on scientific facts of how the body/brain works. If you are of another religious persuasion, or none at all, I would still highly recommend attending one of their seminars, or reviewing their books. I believe they may be especially helpful to you. Visit: http://www.yourlri.com/store/products.cfm
Their "Binding the Wounds" seminar is astounding and wonderful in explaining how men and women are wired to respond to our environment.

Most important, pray... I will do the same for you.

Hey C., I know you just need to vent, but I just wanted to say a couple of things that hopefully might help. First, maybe your husband is depressed. Not that that helps you at all or that he might even be willing to talk about the possibility, but I noticed after my second child was born that my husband seemed to act the same way for awhile. Having kids is hard work and I think women just pull it together because we have to. And when we do, I think sometimes men think then that they don't REALLY have to. Plus, we're just coming out of a long, cold, dark winter. That seems to add to tension in a lot of families.

The other thing I was going to mention is that, all relationships have up and downs. If you are really committed to your family, you have to find ways to work through them. It's SOOOO hard. I don't know any good councelors, but I would ask your family doctor. Even if you can just go see one a few times, might give you some strategies you didn't think of to get him out of his funk.

My strategy when life really sucks is to "fake it 'til you make it." I use to use it on my EBD students and it might work with your husband and ADHD son. Smiles are contagious. When hubby walks in the door, even if you're pissed at him, smile and say, "Hi, hunny." and then try to thank him or compliment him on one thing a night. It's hard at first, but pretty soon your kids will pick up on it and they will do it, too. They will greet Dad at the door and how will he be able to resist? It will eventually rub off on him, too.

I am not going to tell you what you should do with your marriage. That is something you need to decide on your own, but I would like to tell you that since I have stepped out more I am so much happier. I adore my husband, but if I did not have some ME time I would totally resent him. I now play volleyball three nights a week, sell Mary Kay so I get out for facials, I make sure to have a girls day at least once a month where I either play in a all day Saturday tourney, go see a show, go out for lunch, go shopping, anything with out the kids. My husband works as a teacher all week and he picks up hours serving in a bar/restuarant on the weekends so if he is not around I get a babysitter and still go. Also if he is going to sleep in on the weekend you should get to take a nap or something when he gets up. I actually sleep in when we are both home, and he makes breakfast and gets the kids dressed, and then he takes a nap later in the day. It is all about compromise. And if you can not find that together, create your own time away. I agreed with other womens reponces about making sure that you remember that your relationship with your husband is more important than your relstionship with your kids. It's not like you should stop being with your kids, but you need to remember that he is the most important person in your life. No he may not be the best dad in the world, but that is not why you married him. Make it a point to have a date night at least once a month, without the kids, and just work on the two of you again. Once you have the line of communication open again you can then open up to him about wanting to have him spend more time with the kids. Just be patient though, it will not happen over night. Good luck!

C.,
I tend to turn to books because it helps me. Two that I found great is Dr Phils relationship rescue and Stormie OMartain's The power of a Praying Wife. Both have helped me in trying to figure men out. There are many things out there. If you can find a good councelor and he goes that's great but go without him if he refuses. Make yourself all you can be for your kids. They know and the older they get the more they will see how he's not much of a parent.
A.

Your husband sounds depressed. Men are a lot less likely than women are to seek help in that type of case. He also sounds like he's got a drinking problem. What good parent in their right mind has the time or the desire to spend a day in a bar drinking? Kids need their parents to be there for them. I think he is doing a lousy job of being a husband and a parent right now. You're getting treated badly. Before you decide your next step, first you need to realize that you are: 1. completely not responsible for his behavior; 2. completely unable to change his behavior; and...3. completely not required to put up with his behavior.