Snooping on Teenager

As a high school teacher, I would hope that the parents of my students would snoop on their children. If you pay her cell phone bill, you have every right to go through her text messages. If she doesn't like it she can get her own plan when she is old enough to sign the contract without any help.
However, if she doesn't tell you much at all, maybe it would help to reconnect with her & have a mother/daughter date on a regular basis - go shopping, go out for coffee...do something that lets her know you want to be part of her life & it helps to foster a friendship within the parenting as well. It might put her more at ease & she will "trust" you more with those "secrets" she is too embarrassed to share.
Good luck!

A lot of times kids are more comfortable talking at bedtime in the darkness of their room. If you kiss goodnight in the family room, maybe change the routine into kissing her goodnight when she's in bed. Plus, kids will be more likely to talk when they're in the car. Just keep the radio off or down low. You could also offer to do a lot of the driving with her and her friends. You can eavesdrop and get a sense of the other kids while they're in the backseat. I'll be there very soooon..........just got first cell phone yesterday. eeek!

I have two teenaged girls (15 and 13) and I've always been up front about my 'snooping'. I told them that I would never go through their stuff or snoop behind their backs unless I felt they were in danger, but I reserve the right to monitor them. I just do it right in front of them. My girls know that if they are texting I could at any point ask for their phone and read what is on it. I often ask 'who are we talking to?' 'Tell them I say hi!' It has become a joke with their friends. Sometimes now my kids will get a text that says 'tell your mom hi!' They all know I check. Once a friend used a swear word in a text (they know I don't allow swearing in my house), so I sent a text back saying that since the phone was in my house, his swearing was in my house and signed it 'the mean mom'. He apologized with a smiley face to show he wasn't mad. I do the same with emails. The computers are not allowed in their rooms and if I walk up and she (either she) attempts to delete or minimize anything, I will assume they are abusing the computer priviledge and they will lose it for a month. No joke.
As for the not talking to you. I've told my girls that their freedom is linked to the amount of talking they do. If they are communicating well with me I can feel good about what they are doing when I am not around. If they stop talking to me about what's up in their lives, I'm going to assume there is something to worry about and they will lose some freedom. This is a matter of two way respect. I respect their need for freedom and a certain amount of privacy, but they need to respect the fact that as the parent I am responsible for them and will worry about them. Good communication is a sign of respect to those who love you. :o)
Just a side note, good grades are not really an indicator of other good choices. When I was in high school our valedictorian (sp?) was a drug dealer! Just saying... :o)

Hi,
I am not a mother of a teen, but I am a therapist who specializes in teens and their families, and I would advise against snooping-- the biggest binds the parents I see find themselves in is when they 'find' something and then have to decide what to do with the information. If you want a better relationship with your daughter, read the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' by A. Faber-- it's a much better route to a good relationship with your daughter, which I'm sure is what you want.

In some societies, 15 is considered adult, and parents are expected to have done their most important training by then. We tend to coddle our kids more here, hover and protect them from life, death, and important decisions, and then we end up stuck between a rock (our ongoing responsibility) and a hard place (their natural drive toward separation and independence).

I suppose that if I had reason to believe my teen was genuinely headed for trouble, I might be tempted to snoop just enough to determine whether my anxieties had a basis in reality. But there's a big downside to that: if your teen catches the intrusion, she'll lose whatever trust she has in you, and will have a strong incentive to become more secretive.

I've frequently seen recommendations for the book HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN, and LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK. Might be a great resource for you. Good luck – my daughter was a great kid, and even so, I remember a "white-knuckle" year when she was in high school.

I believe in snooping within reason. :) It is your job as her parent to be the parent and to know what she's doing and who she's doing it with, to protect her from big mistakes, and to know when to let her fall down flat on her face. Let her know that you feel that that's your job, not to be her friend. Maintain an open and honest relationship with her, and then develop a network of spies. :)

I feel that it is very untrustworthy to snoop on your teenager. Try to maintain an open relationship with her and provide a climate in which she feels comfortable to talk to you about things without having to face consequences for sharing them with you. If she is unwilling to share, let it be. Do not break down the trust by going behind her back. If you want her to trust you, you also need to trust her, as well as respect her privacy.

Before you snoop I would take her for a nice trip to the mall, or for lunch and just have simple conversation with her. The best way to get a teenager to talk and listen is when you are calm and not in the heat of the moment. Waiting until something happens is not always the best time to find out something unpleasant is going on. And also if you do find out something you do not want to know she will know you snooped and that will bring a whole bunch of new problems (like trust). Just talk to her about her new friends, boyfriend etc. I always found that time in the car with my kids doing something they loved to do SHOP! was always a great time to just talk and get them to open up. Let her know that no matter what she can come to you. Share with her how now is a time when she will be faced with tough decisions and you will always be there to try to help her to make them. This is a tough time so staying involved and close is your best tool to keep them on the right road. My kids are now 24 and 20 and although the teenage years were tough I survived. Good luck!!

Well personally I believe that snooping is wrong. You should have trust in your children. If she is in trouble all the time then I would say snoop. But if she is a good kid, gets good or decent grades, then trust her and you will have a better relationship with her. Have her invite the new friends over, have the boyfriend over for dinner to get to know him. But I think you should be suttle about it. Kids at that age do keep to themselves. I know that I did at that age. Let her feel like an adult and have some trust in her. I know what it was like to be snooped on. i was not a trouble maker nor was I ever in trouble. Yes my mom didn't like a couple of my friends and that was ok with me. It's not that they were bad kids or trouble makers, she just didn't like them. I believe that is because I was with them more then her. But my mom used to listen in on my phone calls, go through my room. She tried to be my friend more then be my mom and I hated that. I didn't need a friend I needed a mom. So my advice to you would be "just be her mom and be there for her" I know that you are worried about sex and drugs but just in normal conversation bring it up. Let her know that she can trust you and you can begin to trust her. Look for signs. Any kind of change in her behavior. But all in all TRUST HER. That is key in these situations. Sit her down and talk about sex and drugs. But don't yell or accuse. Trust me you will have a better realtionship with her if you do. Hope this helps. Good Luck!

Our daughters, 11 and 15, know that privacy is earned. We expect respect and honesty. When they got their phones we told them that we can check messages anytime we want and to be aware of what they are texting. LIke Jen S said we always check it in front of them and don't really do it very often. I think for each girl we have only done it about 2 times. I have never stepped over into reading the diaries, but if I thought it was necessary I would. The kids know that in my house privacy is earned and if you are not being respectful or honest you can lose it. On the other hand, we try to keep open communication and try to stay involved in their lives. We have always strived to be the house where the girls and their friends want to hang out. Although it can be crazy have numerous girls around, we can hear what they are talking about and know what her friends are like. You would be surprised at all you learn when you have 4-5 giggling girls in kitchen getting snacks or in car to some activitity.

I have to first say I agree with most of the posts. Good advice. I too am going through similiar things with my 14 and 16 year olds. I had to be honest and open communication as everyone said but....I also had to explain this is new to me too and it will be a learning experience for all of us. I warned my oldest this is what happens to the first child and first time parent of a now teenager. Best to you thought I could share that the more open the better I am finding anyway.
R.

I know this is late, but I have a sister that snoops on her teenagers. I have a preteen and totally approve. You are still responsible for anything she does and you should keep track. If you did not keep up on what she is doing and something happens you would feel a lot worse than if she was just a little annoyed at yolur snooping.

I really wish that more parents would stop being so worried about their children not liking them and be more worried about the kind of adult they are training them to be.

D.

Hello Lisabette, As the mother of 5 children I can tell you that we kept close tabs on our children. Most teens seem to draw a blank when talking/not talking to paents and some of it deals with becoming ther own person outside of the family safety net. Because of those close tabs we helped to avoid several problems and when the daughter dated the boyfriend from Hell we were able to give her the saftey net she needed to put her life back together. As parents it is not "snooping " to be a responsible parent. I have had several of my children tell us over the years they appreciate now that we were so involved. I also told them when they complained as teens that since we paid the bill they were fresh out of luck.I never worried if I was going to invade their privacy or hurt their feelings- with several law enforcement officers in the family we hear on a regular basis of families that have lost a child, run aways, kids who got in a lot of trouble in many areas and not always but often the common thread was parents that were not checking things. So go ahead and do the right thing. This is your child not a friend, buddy whatever. Remember that parenthood is like a theme park ridelots of twists and turns with excitement around every cornor and a thrill a minuet. In the end it will be the most rewarding thing you will ever do. Nana Glenda

Well personally I snooped/will snoop if I was suspicious of any kind of trouble. Obviously I am not going to be blatant about it but I would rather go on that nice shopping trip AFTER knowing something and quietly bring up drugs, sex, bullying, purging, etc. It is my responsibility to keep my children safe and if being a bit nosy can save their lives then I am willing to do it. They are not adults, they are children and in my opinion I am not required to treat them by the same rules. On the flip side, I talk to my kids about every subject.
Personally I won't allow my kids to have text messaging or on-line access....call me old fashioned. =) My kids will tell you I am tough but they also will tell you that I am available, forgiving and love them very much.

Hi Momma. I have not had this personally, but a friend of mine had two step children, both teens. She laid the rules out pretty clear (they considered her to be ruler of the house). All e-mails and texts would most likely be read by her, all passwords to all e-mail, facebook, and whatever else accounts had to be posted. She could and would check their content at any time and if she felt something was inappropriate, they would have one day to remove it or lose all privileges. And they still have to remove it with her standing there watching.
You may have to break her in slowly, but the best approach is to be direct with her and let her know that since she is getting older, you and she need to have more talks and be a little more communicative with one another. If she is embarrassed to share, she can set aside some private mom time and two of you can go have a shake or go for a walk somewhere once a week to catch up. If her life is your priority, then talking to you and asking you for advice will be one of hers. The only danger is to be too much of a friend and not enough of a parent. The balance is delicate, but I am convinced any mom can do this and that crazy, hormonal teenagers will adapt. I did with my mom, and while it is still uncomfortable after being married and on my own for 8 years, I can still ask her pretty much anything- and she is still the mom.
Lastly, it is my personal opinion that teenagers don't need cell phones, but that is just me. I was not allowed to have any of those types of things until I could pay for it myself. I was never added to a family plan, never given any of that. And I really don't think it hurt me one bit. Your daughter can sit on the phone in the kitchen just as easily as she can sit on her phone in her bedroom. Texting is not a right, it is a privilege, and earned privilege...and friends....who can keep up! Just ask her about her friends and any new stuff, if there are any cute guys, etc. Have fun with her and make it light hearted to remove some of the pressure.
I hope this helps!
Good luck!
P.S. Don't tell her you've been snooping. Just be up front with her about the changes you are noticing and ask her to talk with you and keep you in the loop- because you love her and want her to be her best now and forever.

I just want to add something. When you are looking for something, you are more likely to find it, even if it's not actually there. As a former snooper, I know suspicion can feed itself. Trust your daughter and don't become obsessive about it!