Sister-in-law Forgot She Has a Mom

God bless you for caring - I have to believe that someday you will be rewarded.

This is by no means an excuse for your SIL's behavior, but a lot of people in that position have a difficult time coping with the fact that their parent is no longer the person they have known all their life...and that their role must change from that of taken care of to caretaker themselves. I've worked in hospice and have seen it many times. It really kind of came as a shock to me just how often, actually. Perhaps it comes from having a chronically ill mother since childhood and knowing deep down that the day would come when I would have to make that transition myself, but it always just made sense to me. I don't like the idea {I don't think anyone likes the idea that their parents will one day have to depend on them}, but I view it as my responsibility. I guess some people don't, sad as that is.

I think that some people are natural caretakers. I also think you are one of those people. That is a wonderful attribute to have, and I commend you for stepping up to the plate, not just with your MIL, but also with your grandmother and step-grandmother. I certainly wouldn't hold my breath waiting for your in-laws to figure it out themselves, but your MIL is certainly fortunate to have you. It's tough when you are kind of left to do it on your own, but I definitely think you have it right. The world needs more of you.

It really sad. I have been taking care of my mom for 13 years. I have 3 brothers and it never escapes me how they just dismiss her. All together I can count on one hand how many visits she has had. But I am sure they will be here when she eventually passes on. They will be first in line waiting to see what mum left them. They have a nice surprise coming.

So my heart goes out to those who actually care and take the time to care for an Elder. Most rewarding to me.

This is a tough situation - we took care of three elderly parents (my in laws and my own mom) all at once. I can't even try and understand why your sister in law is acting this way other than she is denial about her mom's condition and avoidance is the way she deals with the reality of what has happened and what IS happening. Some adults have a tough time with the realization that Mom or Dad is NOT superhuman and that suddenly their parents time is limited here on this earth. All I can tell YOU is this - I did ALOT and I mean above and beyond for my in laws because I LOVE MY HUSBAND. I wish I could lie and say my in laws adored me but they didn't and they made it very hard on me for the 23 years I was their daughter in law prior to their passing. It was important to me to give them unconditional love not only because of my husband but for the sake of my children who needed to see that you don't just shun someone who is elderly and sick and that you love them and care for them till their last breath. My father in law spent the last 2 years of his life in the nursing home - it was tough but we were there a few times a week making sure he was being well cared for. My mother in law lived alone until her death. We were there almost every day doing what we could for her until the last few weeks of her life which were spent in and out of the hospital. Your mother in law is still a human being and although it is a SMALL inconvenience to be doing what you're doing by buying clothes - you can say with clear conscience once she is gone that you loved her and did what you could . Your sister in law will be living with the guilt trust me - and it will come back at her like a flood. The Bible says "Honor your mother and father that your days may be long" - to me that includes the in laws too. Don't pound on your hubby about his messed up sister in law - make this time easier on him because the stress of seeing his mother and knowing what's going on is hard for him too.

We have the same issue with my husbands family. His mother is a stroke victim and we have always helped my FIL take care of her. When he passed, she cam e to live with us. My husband has one brother (his sister passed away about 2 years ago and was never any help). The brother lives about 2 hours away and never visits or calls. He use to visit around his birthday or Christmas to pick up gifts, but isnce funds have goten tight we only buy for kids now and he does nothing. We have a 3.5 year old and our expecting our 2nd at Christmas time. We have wonderful neighbors who help out so we can go on date nights and/ or get away for a night with our daughter. They will also be helping when I go to deliver #2. I dont understand how people can just not care what happens to their parents, especially whne they have been so good and generous when they could. It shocks me and saddens me when I see how his brother just doenst care after everything they have doen for him. But it all comes down to karma. When he gets old he will probably end up all alone. Atleast I can be secure i knowing thta I am doing my part and teaching my daughter that when people get old and cant care for themselves, yo ustep in and do what you can, not just ship them off for it to be someone elses problem. I give you great credit for making sure hse has her clothes and things she needs.

Did people not read your whole post? You did state the old facility was the one that had the smelly clothes etc, she is now in the new facility? Sorry sometimes, I have skimmed instead of reading, I guess they did this on your post.
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Wow, we have been in this situation many times, with my husbands sister. She just seems to shut down when these times get closer to the end. She will write a check and that is helpful, but you will not see her in there, doing the care giving or doing anything hands on.

All of a sudden it is as though her true personality comes out and we all remember "Oh yea, she really is not that nice or helpful even though she looks good and talks a good game."

I agree to follow your own heart. Always do what you feel is right, but do not assume SIL does not want to do something. Continue to ask her to help out in case she has a moment of strength and thinks she can handle it, but never depend on it.

It is her problem, she will have to live with her choices, but that means she has to have been offered those choices.

I am like you. I am a giver, I feel it is an honor to care for the elderly, but other people are frightened by the whole situation.
You are a good person and I know it hurts you that SIL dose not understand, but do not fret about her, send your energy to your MIl instead.

It seems for a lot of people out of sight out of mind. This is horrible, and just because your MIL has Alzheimer's and probably does not remember her family, which is why I am sure your SIL is being so uncompassionate, is no reason not to care for their family member. This would be my conversation to both BIL and SIL. " I am sure it is tremendously difficult to see your mom deterioating daily and that she has no memory of you, however you have the memory and this woman brought you in to this world and raised you, and I am sure raised you to be good compassionate adults. This is HER time of need and you are her children. You must advocate for her and provide for her, one day you can be in the same position". Period done. Obviously your husband volunteered you because he knows you will follow through. Get him involved to talk to your BIL and SIL. Frankly this is one of the saddest things I've read lately.

It's a shame that family members can't come together and help out. From what I have seen it's usually one person who has to take on much of the responsiblity when it comes to caring for an elderly parent or making sure that there needs are taken care of. I don't care how many brothers and sisters a person has it's always going to be one person who will assume most of the responsiblity.
And it is the nursing home's responsiblity to make sure that a resident is clean and have on clean clothes each day especially when that person cannot do it for themselves. But, you have good and bad facilities. It sounds like your mom-in-law is in one of the facilities that need a family member to keep after them to make sure that she is getting treated properly. But, the sad part is she does not have that and they know it. So, they are going to to as less as they can because they know no one is around to make sure they do their jobs.
You and your husband are in another state. But your brother-in-law is right there!

Help for yourself, not for them just remember one day they also will be old

maybe she is afraid that she will be handed to job of taking care of her mother herself, without any help from anyone. me.. i got stuck taking care of first my husbands grandmother and then his mother, and they both died of alzhimers so, i can see where she may be coming from , however, this woman gave birth to her, so, she does have an obligation to go above and beyond. talk to the daughter and hand her a list of things that her mother needs.. be it clothes, shoes or even just a bath and some quiet time. and then refuse to do anything on the list for her, tell her, these are YOUR OBLIGATIONS, DONT EVEN TRY TO GET OUT OF DOING THESE FEW SIMPLE THINGS. have a sibling call and remind her, nothing like a little peer pressure to get thing done.
K. h.

People deal with grief differently and also deal with responsibility differently. Do what you think right and thank God that you do know how to care for the elderly. People don't change. Being angry that others don't do their share won't change what they do. You can set boundaries, do what you think best and right, and let others participate or not.

Very sad.
I would suggest labeling all of her belongings as the things tend to 'wander off".
Is she now in a facility where she is being better cared for?
She needs a place that makes sure she is bathed and her laundry is done -- even if there is a charge associated with it. Or does you BIL do the laundry? What is the policy of the facility? Sounds like someone (obviously not you SIL) needs to step up and get a grip on the care of this woman. It really sounds like neglect to me.
Seriously, is ANYONE looking on on this woman at least weekly?
As far as what is "fair" that's just not going to happen. Seems like everyone is pretty intent on not bothering with her. I hope someone steps up to the plate just because it is the right thing to do.

It is hard to be in the position of having a loved one in a care facility in another state. And of course it is harder when the person can't really tell you what is going on on a day to day basis. Often it works out that someone on the family has to step up and take the role of "social worker" for the family member in a care facility and it can be an emotionally taxing job. My aunt has done this for her in-laws and to an extent for her mother (who is 90 and mentally alert but has some health issues). I suggest you find out if there is a social worker at the facility where your MIL lives (or even another friendly nurse of staff person, like the nurse you mentioned in your post) and cultivate a relationship with this person. Visit and meet the person(and other staff) and then keep in touch with regular phone calls at least a few times a month.

I suggest you and your husband set up some kind of family conference and make a list of tasks that need doing and divide them up. My friend works at an assisted care facility and she brought in a bunch of clothing catalogs for the residents to order from. Lane Bryant/Red Cats has a huge plus size clothing catalog empire (paper and online) and lots of stores like Sears, Kmart, and J C Pennys (among others) have web sites and/or catalogs.

I also suggest you and your husband plan to visit on a regular basis every few months on whatever schedule works best for you. If you can sometimes stretch the visit to include one weekday then it is easier to meet the regular staff. It can be hard to connect to a patient who is not really there mentally so if the staff at least is acquainted with the relatives if helps (and it is less awkward for them to call you before something gets to be a big problem). It might also help to put a few family pictures in her room (digital prints or color copies in a plastic page protector are inexpensive and easily replaced). It may even help to leave some kind of treat at the nurses station with a note saying "thank you for taking such good care of _______" when you visit. Pretty much any little things that make your MIL seem like a person with a loving, involved family help and may encourage the staff to treat her well.

I know this is a more practical than sympathetic post but I though you might want to hear from the POV of a social worker.

Who knows...she could be harboring resentment for something she feels her parents did or didn't do when she was younger. Maybe she had to buy her own clothes and doesn't feel like she should do the favor of buying her mom's clothes if they weren't provided to her? There's not much you can do except buy them yourself and ask her to chip in.

My mom is in an assisted living facility. She has the same issues as your MIL. Our facility provides showers, med disbursements, housekeeping, and laundry services. The facility should be taking care of those needs for our MIL. Someone isn't doing their job there. What happened to all the clothes that she originally came in with when she arrived there? Did the clothes get placed with another resident? I know in our facility, clothes have to be labeled with the resident's initials and room number. She should be showered at least twice a week. It is the responsibility of the family to make sure that the facility is providing humane care for their loved one. If I were you or your husband, I would speak with the director of the home. If the facility isn't doing a good job, they can be reported to your state licensing board. Your MIL is in their care; they are responsible for her daily well being. As far as your SIL goes, I've been there too. I'm the youngest of three kids and I'm the one who makes all the decisions about my mom My two siblings are old enough to be my parents, but cannot handle the situation with my mom if their lives depended on it. My sister cops an attitude and becomes defensive and turns to booze for help, while my brother says and does absolutely nothing because emotionally he isn't strong enough to face reality. So, you are not alone in this. The good Lord has put you in this position because He knows that you can handle it. That's how I look at it. When you get handed lemons, you make lemonade.

M.

quick question,
since she's in a nursing home shouldn't the nursing home be doing that stuff?
My grandma is in a retirement community and they have people that do laundry for the residents. If she's bed ridden there should be a nurse there that washes her.
That facility needs to be reported if they aren't doing their job.