Not Talking to My Mother in Law

A.,
I can empathize with you and your husband. My father also acts very childish and has disowned me because I have a relationship with my mother. I think the best thing I did to help me with this situation was to go to counseling.
The counseling helped me to grieve over the fact that my dad is the way he is and he won't change at this stage in his life. My husband has been supportive and we always make decisions about my father together. We have decided to make our desicions to focus on our immediate family and what is the healthiest for us. I wouldn't blame yourself, unfortunately some people have serious emotional and mental problems. Just follow your
heart. It is a very hard and uncomfortable situation to be in. Good Luck, K.

Hi A.,

I'm a mother of 10, pastor's wife, Christian since I was saved at 11. I always try to find out what the Scriptures can tell me to help relationships. What comes to my mind, it "to good to them that hate you, bless and curse not." "A gift pacifieth great anger." Speaking well (surely there's one thing she does that's positive) about her to others in her presence or just whenever possible. Maybe sharing with her warnings from Scripture like.... Proverbs 29:1 "He (or she) that being often reproved hardeneth his (or her neck), shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy." We don't know; but that is a very understandable warning God gives us.
Or "Proverbs 28:13 "He that covers his sins shall not prosper; but whoso confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy." Proverbs 14:1 "Every wise woman builds her house (ie. family relationships especially), but the foolish pluck it down with her hands." If she balks at any attempt at your telling her or utilizing Scripture, just warn her Proverbs 13:13 says, "Whoso despiseth the word shall be destroyed, but he (or she) that feareth (obeys) the commandment shall be rewarded."

I just encourage loving patience with all....Scripture also says "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against spiritual wickedness in high places." I always like to strive to understand the forces/needs/conditions that are resulting in intense conflict with any other person.

Hope that begins to help,

B. in Eau Claire, WI
P.S. My mom lives in Mounds View...maybe we could connect when I'm up visiting her some time. I'm willing to try.

A. I feel so sorry for you because Im divorced and I had a wonderful mother-n-law and now my fiance's Mom does not except me because I have two children and I cant have anymore because I had a hysterectomy due to cancerous cells. She holds that against me and it has made her and my fiance not close. I also have a brother right now that is overseas and I can tell you its an emotional rollercoaster. Its scary not knowing whats going on from day to day but,she needs to appreciate the son she has here and make her life better by having you all around her for the support. Having a son there can really just tear someone apart emotionally. Im depending on my family and friends to get through it. If I were you personally I think you should talk to her woman to woman just you two and tell her your there for her or write her a letter and telling her everything on how you feel. If all this doesnt work then I would discontinue myself from her and wait for her to come around. She will miss you all and realize she is making a mistake and she really needs you all. It will be hard but, sometimes tough love is the only way to go when there is no other way. Please let me know what happened. And my support goes out to your whole family to because I know its not easy having a family member over there. Take care.

~J.

You have to be the "adult" in this situation. Your future sister-in-law wants your help and participation. Be there for her. Obviously your mother-in-law has issues, but that should not stop you from being family to those who want you around. It may take your brother-in-law coming home and telling Mom that he's not mad why should she be to make things all better. If she makes a deal at the wedding - it's her reputation on the line, not yours. She's a big girl - let her take care of herself and you take care of the people around you. Be an example to your daughters - show them how to handle difficult situations with pride and understanding. Good luck to you and your military family.

My guess is that she feels guilty for what she did to her family, but probably doesn't realize it and will never admit it. My boyfriend - years ago - had his mom cheat on his dad. He wouldn't speak to her for a long time. Within 2 years, he was starting to see her a little bit, but he was killed in a car accident shortly after. His mom has never been the same. She has aged, and never seems happy. His dad has recovered from the loss (as much as you ever can) and is doing great. Her guilt may be getting the best of her, and since your brother in law isn't around, she takes it out on the 2 of you. She may be scared of losing him without completely reconciling? Just a thought. All you can do is let it be. Don't take the bait and get into arguments with her, but see her when you can. Remember, it's her problem, not yours.

A.,
So she's mad at you and your family because your husband didn't get deployed and his brother did? That is one of the most bizarre things I have heard of; you'd think she's be grateful. I can only second the possibllity of a mental illness here, it's makes no sense. I also second the other advice here regarding allowing her to behave as she would, and you make your own decisions regarding helping you sil. However, I just wanted to encourage you to keep communication with your husband open, so that this conflict doesn't sneak in and start affecting your family. Take time to be together and make sure you are all on the same page!

A., I am sorry for what you are going through with your mother-in-law. There are so many cases of undiagnosed mental illlness out there and your MIL seems to be one of them. I have an aunt who is just as sick, she makes life in our extended family uncomfortable -- has gone through long periods of not talking with various family members including her own children, her brother, etc. The very people most of us hold nearest and dearest. Our family has not fought with her. My mother taught us at a young age to just let her go on her tirades. It doesn't always make it easier. We are dealing with elder care of my 94 year old grandmother and the Aunt in question was a director of nursing at a nursing home. Auntie is furious that Grandma has put my mother and I in charge of her estate and medical decisions. Grandma has been in nursing home care for one month and EVERY member of the staff is familiar with my Aunt who lives two states away because of her actions while here for one week and her constant calls and threats to the nursing staff. They also understand who is in charge and WHY. My point in telling you this is that everyone in our family, everyone at the nursing home understands, if not at first, within a very short period of time the full situation and the same will be true for you IF you ALWAYS take the high road. Stop trying to talk to her about it, just be as nice as you can be -- force warmth into your voice when you say hello. You don't have to smile if she insults you, but you can just say, well I understand that you see it that way, and I'm sorry -- and walk away as soon as you are able. If you can hold your tounge in these situations and let life unfold as it will you will have more support from your husbands family because they will know that your family is not part of the problem.

My advice about the wedding would be to explain to your sil-to-be that you don't want an scene over your attendence to be the focus of the day. That although you would LOVE to promise you'll be there for EVERYTHING that you can't. Ask how you can help with advance planning, and try to attend the ceremony and the dinner and then duck out before people are free to move about. You can ask your bil to run interference if he's comfortable, just keep your mil away, and seat you at opposite sides of the room. Take your daughters if you can (most people will behave better around children). Tell your bil and soon-to-be sil that you want nothing more then to be there for them, and that you want nothing but a great relationship with them, and how important they are in your life -- but that you will simply not subject your family to bad treatment. Tell them that you don't want to put them in a position of making a choice between mom and your family ever, and that you want them to be there for the mom. This may mean seeing them separately, but always let "mom" have THE DAY. i.e. Christmas, Easter, etc., just plan your own special times together separately if you have to. Hopefully, your MIL will calm down in time, with my Aunt, her grudges seem to pass in about two years. When / if it blows over, don't think her temprament has changed -- you'll have to feel it out slowly, we've all learned with my Aunt to hold her near our heart -- but at arms length -- she's got some great qualities, but it's better to be safe and avoid all confrontation over all things.

I'm sorry to hear you are having a problem like this with family. I actually went through some stuff with my own mother and we didn't speak for 2 years. It was very hard. I think you need to let her just be. She hopefully will realize her actions and will calm down with time. Others will realize the harsh things she is saying, especially if you have sympathy for her. So, I'd just let things be for awhile and not push the situation. Time really can heal. The ones she is really hurting is your daughters. Keep hanging in there.

I feel your pain, I too have problems with the in-laws. My husband is the middle child. Basically his mother takes care of his sister's three boys. His older brother has picked numberous fights with us. We haven't talked to him for almost two years because he didn't like who we chose as our daughter's godparents. His mom and dad never sees our daughter and could careless about all of us. I come from a very loving family so it's hard for me not to get in the middle of everything. I want it to work out between his parents and his siblings but just like your husband he talks and they don't listen. I have been dealing with this for 7 years now and it's sad to say that I have just given up. No matter how I want these people to change I can't change them and neither can you. Maybe someone else has some better advice but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Hang in there, it sounds like you have a great family and it's too bad that your mother-in-law is too stuborn to see that!

A.,

First and foremost, Thank you to your brother in law and husband for risking their lives to save ours, I will pray for your brother in law's safe return.

Second, it seems like your mother in law is upset that the other son was "chosen" to go to Iraq. My guess is she would be acting the same way if it was reversed, your husband there and brother in law at home. Maybe she blames your husband for not going to protect his brother, AND for not protecting him and keeping him here. In my opinion, she is extremely upset and doesn't know how to vocalize it to you and your husband. You could try sending her an email. Tell her her grandchildren miss her. Ask WHY she is upset with you and treating you like outcasts. If she gets more upset with you, then so be it. I think she needs to try some counseling to get her feelings in order, or even so she becomes aware of them. Another recommendation is for you to find a baby sitter for your daughters, and both you and your husband go talk to her, tell her how you are feeling and ask her why she is treating you like this. It will be emotional, alot of yelling and crying is my guess, but it is going to be necessary to bring an end to this. I hope she comes around and realizes that though one of her sons is in Iraq, you and your husband did not choose to send him there. Good Luck. Keep me posted :)

H.

ps. If your soon to be sister in law wants your help and you are ok with helping her, do it. Do it for her and your brother in law. Don't even worry about how mother in law is going to react. I do have a question for you though, is she still talking to the soon to be sister in law?

A.,
I am so sorry that your family is going through this. Life is tough enough sometimes without family drama. As for your Mother in-law, you have to remind your self that anything she says and does reflects on her not you or your husband. She is making the choice to not have a relationship with your children. From your note it sounds as though both you and your husband have reached out numerous times to try and mend this relationship, stop it is now up to her. Someone like your mother in-law is selfish and selfish people need to figure out what they are missing on their own. Plus you do not want your girls being involved with someone who bad mouths their parents. Help your brother in-laws fiance plan their wedding, make it about them and celebrating them and the new life they will start together. This is also a great time for you to connect to your future sister in-law, so that the ties between your two families will be strong, so your mother in-law can not break them. I know and truely believe that family is important, but you and your family ( husband, self and girls) are the most important and you do not need to beat your self up over someone elses selfish behavior. I wish you the best in this.....

I also have had a MIL conflict several times with mine. Only in reverse I would not talk to her. For example the MIL said to me and my husband (when we were expecting our first child) and we told her the middle name and her response was that is the stupidest name I ever heard. Or another was when we got married I was six months pregnant ( the wedding already planned and found out three months prior) when she saw the pictures she said that i just looked fat not pregnant and that the bridesmaid dress were ugly. I was always taken back by the comments and never new exactly what to say. I always came back and talked to my husband about it. The MIL always said the inapproaite things when my husband was not around. I would tell him the stuff she would say and he would talk to her and then she would deny that the things were even said. I have just learned to ignore her comments and accept the fact that she just must get off on these things. I know that she is the one making herself look bad not me so if I ignored it maybe it would stop. Maybe that is not good advise but by not responding to her and giving into her would help things. I would drop her a line stating the grandkids miss you or something like that and see were that goes.
As far as your soon to be sister in law I would help wher with the wedding and not worry about the MIL.
My prayers are with you. Thank your husband and brother in law they deserve the appreciation for serving our country. I too come from a big Military family. Best of luck