Single Mothers

hi,

my dh was raised by a single mother she was 15 when he was born.

have you tried to explain to your son that you still love him more than anything and anyone in the world but you need a partner to help with the things that he cant? im not trying to sound mean just trying to find the right words.

would it help if one night you go out with your bf then that weekend you and your son could go to a movie or do something just the two of you so he can see that your still there for him?

i hope this is helpful,
K.

I grew up with a single mother (widowed when I was 2) and remember vividly that I didn't like any of her boyfriends when I was a tween and young teenager. It was frightening to have the routine upset with the introduction of another person to share mom with. I'd seen my aunts and uncles together and they provided the model for marriages, but with mom, I didn't want to share. Some of my mom's choices were poor too, so I sometimes acted like a barometer for her.

Anyway, I suggest that if you find somebody that you introduce him to your son very slowly, like your acquaintance first so he can earn your son's trust before you go any further. Start out in neutral places like the park, library and so on. Then when you are comfortable expand to your home and go from there.
There is also the Big Brother, Big Sisters organization, that might help with transitions by giving your son a "brother" or a mentor to learn from (http://www.bbbs.org). He'll have an outlet too and see that males can be great and that there is nothing to fear. I wish I had something like that when I grew up.

Hope this helps,
N. (who was 10 when mom was 33)

Hello K.,
I was a single mom for over 10 years. When my daughter was little she did not want me to go out also. You need to set some time for yourself, and just explain that you need to go out and speak to other adults your own age. When you do, you will start feeling good about you, and your relationship with your son will also be better. My father was also my daughter role model, and still is, but you also need to tell your son that if you decide to date, this man is not going to take the place of your dad, but might help him in the long run. Believe me I can relate you in so many ways. Good luck

Hi K.,

I too am a single mother and have been for the past 11 years to a son as well. My son has never seen his father but he's asked me about him and I've told him. When he was much younger he used to ask me where he was and I told him that he's not a part of our lives. But like your son, he had my dad until he passed away 5 years ago. My dad played a major role in my son's life and to that, I am thankful. As he's gotten older I told him that things did not work out between his father and I and it's not my fault nor is it his fault. Not blaming anyone, I just said we just grew apart. Tell your son that he has people in his life who truly love him and want to see him do well and succeed in life. He's blessed to have that because some children don't have a grandfather who takes time out with them and they wish for it. Your father is the male figure in his life and he needs that positive role model because we mothers cannot teach our sons how to be men. Is there a mentoring program in your area or a big brothers program that you can get him involved in? That may be a big help because most times these are men who grew up fatherless and they can offer him so much guidance and keep him on the path to success. Does he have any close friends with fathers in their households that he can spend some time with? My son is in a mentoring program now and his best friend's dad has adopted him on as his 3rd son so he includes my son in on their family activities. Although I do activities with him as well and/or even with this family in particular, I'm glad and he's blessed to have someone else play a father role in his life. I truly hope that this helps you out in some way. Best wishes to you and your son.

T. M

1st of all, it IS VERY VERY hard for a child around that age hearing how all these kids their around (friends or family) having their dads do a bunch of stuff with them when they don't have their own dad...i know, my father died the mother's day after my 1st birthday (less than 3 months after) and i also seemed to always have an attitude when it came to my mother having guys around that weren't just friends (i KNEW when a guy had more intentions then just being friends...even though NOTHING ever happened while i was awake or around between them). my mother pretty much kept them away from me and my brother (who's father was still in the picture, but just through visitations kind of deal). out of all the guys that my mother brought home (which weren't all too many thinking back now, especially over 20 something yrs!) there were only 2 guys that i liked, 1 didn't work out because he decided to go back to his ex and get remarried (which my mother just stepped aside not wanting to be in the middle of that) and the other she is with now...though it took a couple yrs for him to get my approval, and ALL but those 2 guys were horrible men. whether they had some addiction (whether drug, alcohol, or gambling) or they beat their kids (my step-father) or they were just all around assholes...and my mother NEVER saw any of it until the END of the relationship...they hid that part, but kids KNOW sometimes!
as for the other kids with fathers, it's going to be hard, for me i would cry when i'd come home because i knew i was missing something special and important not having my own father, and refused to allow anyone to substitute him...so that's just something he's going to have to work through as he gets older, there is no special way to make it right. being that his father walked out, and didn't die, you can't just tell him how wonderful a man he was, and tell him everything you can about him, then try to have other men (grandfathers, uncles, etc.)in his life to try and substitute (though that was my situation, and it didn't help anyway..but i'm different) and you can't just tell him that he's better off without him because he's a jackass who just LEFT (didn't make anything better for anyone i know who's mother/father just up and left them at a young age) it really is something that he just has to work through. honestly, therapy may help...ask him how he feels about it. let him know that you realize that it's hard for him, and it's HIS choice if he goes to therapy, but it's helped some children that i know now who have had 1 of their parents up and leave at a young age and are now watching all their friends around them with their parents, having what they want...just their mom or dad. sometimes therapy doesn't work, you'll know if you take him..but it may take a couple times, maybe a couple months before...just don't force him, because it can make things worse, but if he wants to try it for himself, it could do wonders! i wish you and your son the best in getting through this.

Sounds to me that your son has gathered bits and pieces of info that his father has up'd and left him and he is feeling it as abandonment. My guess is as you are dressing to go out, he's in fear you are going to go out and not come back too...also feeling it as abandonment.
Children need to know where they fit in to the picture...they need to feel they have a secure place in that picture.....an important part of that picture.

Have you told your son that his father's leaving was not his (the boys fault)...as most children do blame themselves when parents split up and one takes off and moves out. I would also tell him often that you love him very much and would never leave him and will always come home to him.

Until you work this out with him so that the child feels secure again, I would not only slow up my evening social life....I would try several early weekend dates taking the child along to a park, zoo or sports game and then back home again. Showing him that Mom being out with others doesn't mean abandonment for him.

I also think it would be a good idea if once in a while if your Dad, your son, this cousin and his Dad would go out and spend some time together doing something the "Children" would enjoy. So talk to your Dad about making some arrangements with this. Maybe if they had time like this together the resentment there would stop. The Children would then have something to share to talk about then that isn't only one sided making your son feel he is missing something that's very special.

Have you considered signing your child up in the "big Brother" program? Having a big guy of his own, doing stuff like going to sports games...throwing a ball around, bike riding, and to talk with, might also be helpful if you added this to his life as well.

hello! i am a 31 yr old mom of 3
JMO but i think your son is kinda feeling like the man of the house. since his dad hasnt been around hes not used to that male figure and expects you to be there. you are his rock and comfort zone and thats what kids know and want most. i think maybe if you slowly do new things without him then maybe he will adjust. hes 10 afterall so hes old enough to tell you what is ok and what is not. is there a older male figure in the family that could maybe do guy stuff with him if you want to go out and have a few min to yourself? or maybe an aunt "mommy figure" that could come over and be with him while you are out?
hope this helps!

A.