Single Mom Christmas Day Blues

Fight the missing my baby holiday bludes by spending some time with someone that may be lonely, a senior citizens at a nursing home, children at the hospital, homeless/battered women's shelter or some one in hospice care. Take them a book, a deck of playing cards, or some lotion or bubble bath. If you like reading stories, you can read some stories to children or rock border babies (babies abandoned at the hospital by their mothers).

I find that when I am too busy feeling lonely or sad in my own situation, doing something especially nice for someone else always makes me feel better.

An alternative to this is spending some quality time to yourself for yourself. Have a spa experience in your own home or invite some friends over to hang out with and play games or cook a meal together (ask everyone to bring one thing - you use those things to make the meal). Exercise, movies, reading a great book, listening to some upbeat music while dancing with wild abandon are some other things you can do to get your mind to another place. It is fortunate your little girl is loved and cared for by many. It is important for her development to not see you lamenting over her absence. My son is always torn between me and his father with the same thing but I encourage him to have a great relationship with his father and I rry not to make him feel guilty about being with his father and family for the holidays. I just find other things I can do and do that instead of "feeling" sorry for myself. I count my blessings. Hope this helps even though it is days later.

I had three years where I didn't get my kids until 11am Christmas day. This year, I got them for Christmas Eve and then dropped them off at their Dad's on Christmas morning at 10:30am. Each schedule is difficult, but has its own joys as well. For example, this time, I was able to spend the time cleaning up and so everything would be nice for them to play with when they came back. When I had them for Christmas day and not Christmas Eve, I had as much time as I wanted to arrange the presents under the tree, I didn't have to wait until they went to bed. In our situations (mothers who are not together with the father of our children anymore), we need to maximize our joy with our kids, and learn not to hate the time they are away...especially since you cannot change it, you learn to accept that this is your life, and you make the best of it. All of my best wishes to you and remember, it is OK to get upset, as long as it has a time and a place and doesn't make you miss out on the joys that life has to offer (with kids and without).

Hi J.,

First, I would like to say I am sorry you are feeling lonely. What you are feeling is normal, and fortunately will pass over time. Right now it seems like your ex is in a much better place then you are because he has your daughter, he is introducing a new girlfriend etc. Just try to put things into perspective. He is obviously your ex for a reason RIGHT!! So the problems you had together are now gone, and what you share is a beautiful little girl. I am sure that is the one good thing that came from your relationship. Try not to hold on to what was, keep yourself busy and take each day at a time. Take advantage of being alone. Read a book cover to cover, take a nice long hot bubble bath, catch up on things you can't do when you are not alone, give yourself a manicure, watch a movie that is not animated LOL!!. I know it is not easy what you are going through but look at it this way it is only one day and tomorrow your little girl will come home. Sometimes when we become mommies we forget how to just be with ourselves, and to take care of ourselves, because we are so busy taking care of everyone else. Take care of yourself, and you will be a happier more refreshed person when your daughter comes home. Try not to focus on him with a new girlfriend try to focus on how you are better off where you are now. Hang in there it will be over before you know it.

Hey J., you are not alone. I am in a similiar situation and it is difficult. All you can do is what you think is right and not expect anything from your ex in return. Try to keep yourself busy with family and friends or projects on the holidays that you don't have her and enjoy the ones you do have with her. Remember only you can control your actions and reactions. I hope this helps.

I can't relate but have an opinion for what its worth.

She's lucky to be wanted by both of you. Try to make sure she is happy even without you, so when you are apart she isn't worried or guilty. She will always come back to you but needs to know you're happy she's going to have fun and feel loved by her daddy as well as many other people the rest of her life.

Is there anything u can do while u are alone? Maybe make a holiday photo album for her to see when she gets back.

Hi J.:

Celebrate yourself! Go out to a museum, take an art class, go dancing, buy a beautiful outfit for yourself, change your hairstyle, join a belly dancing class. Reconnect to the divine light and woman within you. Become your own best friend and your world will change for the positive.

Have fun!

N.
www.WholeCreations.com

Hi J.. Your e-mail brought me to tears. I can't imagine how painful that must be. I'm watching my best friend go through it...her kids are older tho...but it really is so difficult. I hope you got through yesterday and that you are feeling better this morning. joy comes in the morning. ;)

Will be praying for you. hang in there sweetie.

Hi J.,
I hope you made it through Christmas!!!
My duaghter is 6 also and she is wonderful and sweet and she somehow says the perfect thing just when I need it the most. (but if she's not with me she can't do that). I am a married mom working full-time-plus. I'm not dealing with what you are, but somehow holidays are still stressful and can be depressing. I think we moms try so hard to recreate the magic of our childhood for our children (and ourselves) and many times we stand alone in this effort.

I'm so sorry your ex wasn't thoughtful enough to make the time to have your daughter return your calls and to understand that you might need to hear her voice Christmas day, even though you saw her Christmas Eve! Maybe that's part of the reason why he's your ex. My heart goes out to you. I know you're not looking for advice, you just need comfort, the one thing I would offer is to try to make some new special holiday ritual for you and your daughter. Something you can do every year, that doesn't need to be a Christmas day thing or a christmas eve thing, just some new tradition, that will be your special mother-daughter Christmas thing, whether it's making a ginger bread house, going to a show, volunteering at a food kitchen, making a Christmas wreath for your front door, renting a movie and having hot chocolate and popcorn, getting a pedicure. Big or small, it doesn't matter, just make it a special festive event that the two of you can get excited about year after year. If it is something you are doing at home, make if festive, rock out the Christmas tunes, light some candles, make it fun and special.
Here's a big holiday hug to you!

I am so sorry for all of this.. but, look at the brightside you have a beautiful daughter. There is a website called LIparentsource.com and I am sure you can get involved in groups..Also, even mothers at the library that I have met that were single moms. I am not single but, I have met alot of wonderful women at the library. Also, you can look into SoccerTots longislandsoccertots.com there are programs that need mothers to help out and get paid to couch or do other things and the people there are so much fun.

I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you. I can sense your pain and I am so sorry. I hope you feel better soon!

Oh! That would be so hard. Good for you for being such a big soul and letting her go. You know that there's no one like mama, and the reunion will be wonderful. I grew up between two parents but I honestly liked Christmas with my mom best even though we had to share. All the best, R.

it tough...wish I could say it would get better. Been doing it for a couple of years with my daughter as well even though its just another day it is impossible to not get the blues. Just focus on the fun Christmas eve you had every time you get down. It won't make the hurt go away but it will hurt a little less.

I'm so sorry , J.. I don't have any advice to give you but I wanted to say that I hope you are feeling better. My brother is divorced and has 3 kids. They came over my house to spend time with my daugther on christmas and then they had to leave early to be with their mother. it was hard on me, my brother and my parents. i know this isn't the same caliber as your situation as you are the mom and being a mom myself , i'm sure it was so hard for you. my heart goes out to you, and again i do hope you are feeling much better. take care, cathy

Hi J.,

I can totally sympathize with you, I have the same arrangement -- it alternates every year -- Christmas Eve with my ex, Christmas Day with me and then it reverses. I was leaving my ex in December of 2007 which made for a miserable Christmas so we spent that Christmas as if we were already divorced, and what you described is what I went through 2 years ago, it was just horrible. Then last year, I got my son on Christmas Day. That was a little better ending up with him instead of sending him off, and by then I had learned to occupy my time without my son with close friends and family instead of staying home crying. This year I had to send my son off on Christmas Day, but now I am dating someone and I spent Christmas Day with him, and it was wonderful.

I also have the issue of my ex's girlfriend, the woman with whom he had a full blown relationship with while married to me, so I can relate to you on that level as well.

What I am trying to say through the telling of my story is that time really does help heal the wounds. It will never be easy and there will always be some sadness, but you will put it into perspective, it will become your reality, and you will be OK. You will somehow survive this, we all do, we have to -- our children need us, and we need them. Life will go on for you, I promise. Just allow yourself time to mourn and feel the sadness you deserve to feel. When the time is right you will start to move on, adapt to your reality, and not feel guilty about it.

Best of luck to you, and I hope for a very happy and fortuitous 2010 for you.

D.

Greetings! Dear mom, these words spoken don't belong to me, i've borrowed them during sadness, misery and agony... 'reason, season or a lifetime?' my interpretation... People enter into our lives for a reason, they fulfill it. And, up and go they are gone. Other people enter into our lives as an answer to a prayer. And without a word, argument or whisper they just up and disappear. Then, there are those whose presence leaves footprints on our hearts. No matter where they are we still feel the need of their presence. And, because of knowing them our own existence feels more rewardingly blessed. In essence, place each person you know, have known or will know as being either a reason, season or lifetime. Then, accept which one they belong to. Remember these words... There are two kinds of people those who help and those who help themselves. Once you know which (one) person they are--believe them the first time! Accept it and move on! I hope this lesson of experience helps. Keep the lesson learned not the pain. Opened arms once held left empty has room for whomever is true and still remains.

J....Are you wondering why there was no call back after you called your daughter twice? Could it be that she was having fun and enjoying herself? Let her enjoy her Father, his "new" life, and the extended family without making the child feel guilty. Don't make your CHILD choose!!!!Don't put such a heavy burden of "your emotions" on that innocent child... In all honesty the "noise" that is between your two ears is a challenge that you personally have to deal with. I think the "crying" you were doing was because your Ex has a girlfriend. In your posting you wrote nothing about that particular situation affecting your daughter in any way. That situation affected you... Again, that is truly what you were crying about. Your daughter is ENTITLED (by law,) to spend time, love, and have her Father in her life; Despite HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT HIM; without feeling guilty for doing so... Stop...Put that precious child ahead of your own personal feelings and let her be a child (she is not a small Adult) and should not be in the middle of Adult situations and problems. Please seek counseling to work on the challenges you are having moving on (Your Ex has). Straight Talk makes for Straight Understanding... I believe you wrote this because you needed someone to set your thought process in a direction other than the one that is literally making your life miserable. PLEASE, PLEASE seek help Immediately...If you don't, you will lose your child emotionally, your child may "inform you" that she wants to be with her Daddy instead of you...And guess what, if she does, she will tell Daddy first, and a Judge will place the child in the best loving, nuturing, stable (emotionally stable included) home (not saying yours is not) However, the Courts listen to the Law Guardians report (lawyer appointed to the child)And a Judge bases the decision incorporating the wishes of the child...And based on your posting, you may be demonstrating some unhealthy behaviors that will have an adverse affect on your child emotionally...
Let the healing process begin, My response is not meant to be an insult against your character. I do not know you, however I am simply giving my opinion...Which again is the reason you wrote this posting. Surely you knew you would actually get many "different" opinions... Also in your closing, you added that you work, and the rest of your time you are being Mommie... Why aren't you taking advantage of the time she is with Daddy (holiday, or not)?? WHEN DO YOU HAVE or TAKE TIME TO BE "AN ADULT"? See, that is a part of the challenge for you too...You are not allowing yourself to have a Life...It is VITAL that you take care of yourself Emotionally and Physically so that you can Effectively take care of your child... I pray that you realize in order for things in your life to change...You have to change...

I empathize with you. It is not right that you did not get a call on xmas. Find out what the reason for that was. However, I'm not sure that would have taken away how you are feeling this xmas day. Your mind is thinking about his new girlfriend and everything surrounding that instead of thinking of how your daughter was able to spend xmas with both parents. It is hard not to let his new girlfriend in the picture bother you but feeling despair is a choice. Decide you will banish those thoughts in favor of those more uplifting that are also in your reality. Hope this helps.
V.