Silence Is Sometimes the Most Ultimate Betrayal

Hmmm... it sounds like her way to avoid getting herself mixed up with the "high school drama" is to pretend like she doesn't know anything new about you and this way she is won't be able to say anything bad about it.

I would much rather have a friend pretend she doesn't know anything new about me to avoid others "bashing" vs a friend being sucked into the drama and somehow come out of it as bashing - or fueling the fire with more info on you.

Good luck.

Why would this so-called "friend" tell you all this stuff? It would be kinder of her just to keep her mouth shut about what so and so is saying. You already distanced yourself from the group, so clearly you don't want to be involved in their drama.

I don't think she is really your friend, and if you have separated from the others, probably do so from her, too.

(Damn, this was hard to read, all the words just jumbled together.)

This is your friend's relationship to manage, and she has a right to do it her way. Also, she does not need to fight your battle. You solved your problem by leaving the group. I think that she owes it to you not to participate in the actual bashing of you, if that's what's going on. She doesn't need to speak up for you, though. If you want to be defended, you should have stayed around and defended yourself.

From what I can understand here, you are doing a lot of assuming. Why not talk directly to your friend and ask her if she is participating in bash sessions? Know who your friend is and decide what kind of friend you can be to her. Accept her for who she is and not who you want her to be or who you think she ought to be based on your defitnition of "friend".

I mean, I can't figure out how you're hearing about all of this, but you should tell whoever is bringing you the gossip to stop, that you do not want to hear it. Isn't that why you left the group?

I understand what you are saying.
I am the type of person that is able to speak up when others are starting this nonsense. But I have learned that not everyone has the energy or the tools to stand up for others or for what they truly feel.

It takes maturity, self confidence and energy.

Your friend is just not there yet. Why? A million different reasons.

You will need to make an effort to just stay out of all of the drama going on over there and allow this friend to be your friend, but not need to be your spokesperson.

Your time with her needs to be about everything except that group.

I have learned I do not need drama. I really try not to get pulled into it and not to make others be apart of it. If your friend is not standing up for you, maybe her silence, is her way of just staying out of it.

As we mature, we begin to realize that we do not have time to waste on these childish behaviors. You are in a different place than these other people.. You have outgrown them.. This will continue to happen for the rest of your life. Just put them behind you and move on.

Yes, you are going "all high school"....So I suggest you graduate and decide you want to continue or discontinue your relationship with people who have decided to NOT grow up.

Blessings.....

She is not as strong as you are.

.

You can't "expect" or "require" that a friend does, says or feels a certain way.
Most of life's conflicts are about unexpressed, unmet expectations.
You cannot dictate what any other person says or does.
All you can do is react accordingly to the actions in which you are involved.

She was also childish by coming to you & telling you what everyone said about you.
IMO, this is not a friend, either.
Move on.

Sometimes the GREATEST statement is made with silence.
So make your statement, and make some new friends!

My guess is that she is not trying to betray you. She knows how these ladies are (as do you) and she is handling it in a way that causes less drama in her life from them. Its not a battle she is finding worth fighting over with these ladies, and not because she doesn't value your friendship but because of how they are.

I guess Im guilty of biting my tongue and letting stuff go in one ear and out the other when things are said about friends of mine also. It just wasn't a battle that I was willing to do deal with, it wasn't worth the time or the wrath of putting in my two cents... it wouldn't have mattered anyways as they already have thier mind made up.

I don't think you're going all high school if these people were a source of support for a long time and now things have changed and you feel emotional about it. Sometimes situations are immature, but you looking for advice doesn't make you less mature :). Anyway, I look at associates of mine as BFF, good friend, friend/buddy and acquaintance basically. IMO, a good friend or BFF would probably stick up for you. A friend or a buddy might not, but that doesn't mean they are any less of a buddy. Hope this helps!

I think she's straddling the fence. She sounds like a people pleaser. She doesn't want to upset anybody. She doesn't have the courage to stand up for them for fear of being the next target of these vipers. Telling you what is being said is her way of being loyal to you. She would feel too guilty not to at least tell you what was said. I'm not saying this to excuse her behavior, just to give you maybe her perspective. It's hard trying to be "nice" all the time. It's hard for woman that were raised to be nice to be assertive.

It was not a mature way for her to handle it. But we can't expect everyone to be as mature as they should be. She's proven that she is not trustworthy (she's telling on the other girls and not sticking up for you), so you just can't trust her to keep things quiet. Do you cut her off completely? That's up to you. It is possible to still be friends with people without being SUPER CLOSE and sharing secrets, confidences etc...

Best wishes.