SIL Issues Again

I would gracefully explain that "No, I was unable to invite her this time. I felt I could not let the party get too big since DH is out of town for it and I already have (daughter's) friends coming so the numbers got high really fast. Let's plan a get-together for family as soon as DH is back in town."

Does SIL have kids?

A simple, we won't have time to socialize with her and I didn't think she'd enjoy herself, she wouldn't know anyone and would be the only one kidless would be fine to tell G-ma, I think.

Good luck!

I would tell her look its better if she doesn't come. Joan I don't think enjoys my company. I think my child enjoys a nice calm no stress for his b day celebration.

wow, this is a tough one.....what's more important? Making an old lady you obviously adore....happy??? OR upsetting & disappointing her because of the toxicity of your relationship with her grandchild- which is due to no fault of your own??? Seriously, my heart goes out to you.

This is a judgment call only you can make. My hope is that your heart is big enough to make the matriarch of your husband's family happy. She deserves it. & my answer to the SIL issues....is to adopt the Grace you admire & never, ever stoop to her levels. Smile your way thru the party, knowing you are "making" a little old lady's day!

I urge you to not invite your SIL. Surely your husband's grandmother knows of the tension between the two of you. I'd be honest and tell her that you admire her ability to get along with everyone but that's just not you and your focus is on your daughter and making her happy on this day. etc. Since this woman is "grace under pressure" she'll accept it.

Remember,it's not your job to make everyone happy. It's your job to make life work for you so that you're happy and able to provide what your children need. Your daughter needs a relaxed and happy mom for her birthday party.

Do not invite your sil!

At a different time, IF you want to, you can have a get together that includes your sil and her grandmother. I suggest that if your focus is on pleasing the grandmother, you'll be able to tolerate your sil. Just don't combine making your husband's grandmother and your daughter happy at the same time.

If grandmother will be there, will she be okay with keeping sil company and under control? Will sil really even know anyone else there besides your grandmother? You can just tell grandma, that you are keeping it with just a few friends and her, but not the sil this time since her brother (your husband) isn't going to be there and you really won't have the time to entertain her and keep her under control, that you are just trying to have a nice, and pleasant, stress free time for the birthday. Hopefully, the grandmother can understand that. She sounds like a wonderful lady. (if you can ignore her and surround yourself with good people and stay busy, then invite sil and keep the peace).

The ultimate, sweet revenge is good, clean living.

Be the better person.

M:)

well, if i were nice i'd say invite her and then ignore her. BUT, and this is a major but, i don't think i would. if this is the relationship you have with her, and you can put up with her ONLy when your husband is around, then why ruin your day? you're going to have to entertain people. can you do it with her around? can you manage to really ignore her presence? if yes, then invite her. if not, then you know your frustration will show, so don't invite her.
i honestly believe in 2nd, 3 rd, 4th chances. but i also believe some people never change.

Oh dear. Ultimately the best thing to do is what is best for your children. If the party will be hard on them if their aunt is there, then don't invite her. Explain to your lovely grandmother-in-law that you would like to have a family get together when your husband is home and can enjoy it. This party is for your daughter and her friends. Make sure she knows she is welcome and how much you appreciate her. Good luck. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Is there no way you can talk to Grandma about the issue so she understands where you are coming from? Seriously I don't think any of us should be required to invite someone that we don't care for to any type of celebration, and I don't. Also, since you've invited "friend" moms and your daughters peers to the party it might be best just to do the "family" celebration on a different date. Get together for pizza or something, this way your daughter gets "two" parties instead and you will be more prepared and tolerable to SIL in the family setting rather than in front of your own peers. I think that would be the best way to go.

I agree with Judy P. Call her last minute and say "We are having this thing, GGIL asked that I invite you. I am sure you already have plans, so don't feel obligated to attend."

If she comes, be polite, but firm. If she tries to undermine you say things like "daughter, Silly aunt forgot that your Mommy is in charge of you." If she starts saying negative/hateful things, graciously remind her that "this is a happy occasion, let's behave that way" If she gives her opinion about anything answer back with "I'll give that all the consideration it deserves"

Remember, sometimes you have to teach people how to treat you. Stand up for yourself as you don't want to teach your daughter that it's okay to be a doormat for someone.

That is a tough one. Is it possible to invite her and keep your distance from her? I know when I've thrown parties--My closest friends are usually near me the most...helping out and such. Also, if they know of the situation with the SIL...they could help be buffers for you....helping to steer her out of your path or vice versa. I too have a very toxic SIL...so I definitely feel your pain. My first reaction is to say FORGET THE SIL....but when there's a graceful great grandmother whose feelings are at stake.....I think I might have to suck it up for those few hours...but with friends and family nearby to help keep her at bay. Good luck to you!

I am a "people pleaser" so I would put up with the toxic SIL...

However, I also am not confrontational and would be able to make it thru an afternoon without "having words" with her...if you are able to manage, then make Great Grandma happy, if you KNOW that words will be exchanged between you and lil' miss toxic, I would NOT invite her.

I would not invite her at all. I would tell your sweet grandmother that you will be happy to host a small luncheon when you husband returns. Just immediate family. She should be happy with that. But I would not ruin my daughters party for the SIL.

I would invite her. If she's the only family member NOT invited, then you are letting yourself appear to be rude. No need to do kartwheels or scheme to undermine her behavior. Her behavior will speak for itself--good or bad.
We all have family members we'd rather not have around a great deal, but you just have to deal!

If it was your GGma's birthday, absolutely. Since it's NOT her birthday, but your child's, absolutely not.

It's a day for your daughter to be happy, for you to take joy in your daughter. Why invite pain and discord, drama an anger?

Invite your sister-in-law. Respect your elders and their need (and your husband's need) to feel what is left of their family is intact/ok. At this age especially every family event is a gift of which they may not be around to experience again. You chose to make this a family event when you expanded the party to include more than your daughter's friends and their mothers. Next time consider having a party for friends and a separate small family party including all the relatives and no friends when your husband is in town. Realize that all of your friends and your mother-in-law will see right through any nasty opinions she may share and that the only person who looks bad is her when she decides to say things like this. Give up trying to get SIL's approval. What do you care what she thinks? Take the opportunity to teach your daughter through example how to behave gracefully and how to include, not shun family (be it blood or her in-laws) even if they have their issues. Like it or not SIL is your husband's family and always will be. If you invite the rest of his family and exclude her you are throwing a big log on the fire and putting a wedge between her and your husband and possibly you and your husband.
I speak from experience as someone who had the worst in-laws (parent in-laws and sister-in-law) of all time. I'm sure the true story of our in-law situation could make yours look like a Sunday walk in the park. It all blew up and their was a period of 5 years where my husband's parents and sister shut us out with no contact and all packages/letters returned unopened. It was heartbreaking for my husband and upsetting realization for me that his lovely wife and children were "not enough" to fill the void in his heart of having lost his other family members (parents and sister.) We have now all reconciled. It took a lot of prayer and a miracle from God to change in-laws hearts to where they finally reached out to us. If anyone had told me three years ago that there would be a time that they were to be back in our lives at all and that I would be doing anything more than tolerating them for love of my husband I wouldn't have believed it. However I can honestly say that I have found a way to let go of the past and focus on the present and future with them and now actually enjoy our get togethers and have grown to not only like each of them but love each of them. I really believe the feeling is mutual. DO the right thing. PRAY it goes well and pray for your SIL to have a change of heart and personality. It took years but it worked for me!

This day is about your daughter. It's wonderful that you would even consider inviting someone that toxic to the party just to make your husband's grandmother happy, but it would clearly cause you stress, and as we all know, our kids feed off of our stress. Your daughter deserves to be "Princess for a Day", and that will be hard for her to do if mom is under fire.

As you said, GMIL wants to get everyone together on EVERY occasion. She must surely know that it isn't possible EVERY time. And while you have invited some family, you have also invited friends, which means that this does not qualify as a "family function", and your friends probably would be terribly uncomfortable to be exposed to any family drama. If necessary, just gently explain to her that while you understand and respect her desire to have her brood all together as often as possible, you feel that it is not in your daughter's best interest for the SIL to be there. She might be a little disappointed, but will probably be a minor disappointment, and your description of her leads me to feel confident in saying that she will understand.

Are any of the girls' moms a very close friend of yours? Ask her to help you out with the SIL. You will be busy with the girls and the party and you won't really have time to deal with your SIL, but if SIL starts bad mouthing you or coming up with inappropriate comments, you friend could nicely shut her down, "We think A. is a great Mom and she's a wonderful cook. These cookies are delicious<" or tell her she needs to visit with Grandma and let the girls enjoy their party. Let your friend protect you from your SIL. You don't want to have a blow up with your SIL on your daughter's special day and especially in front of her friends.

I say talk to Grandma about it and let her know how you feel and see what she says. If she is the woman you say she is, I bet she will understand. If she expresses the need to really want your SIL there, maybe she can keep an eye on her and you won't have to worry.

I feel for you!! I also have a toxic SIL, and going to family functions is so hard for me. I pick my battles sometimes I know I have to suck it up. Other times I know that I don't need to either be near her or invite her.

Hope it works out OK!

disappoint g. my MIL is the same way. she even tried to make the inheritance tied together so we HAVE to endure the abusive, lying, scheming, evil SIL. We wish we had stopped placating MIL years earlier.

That's a tough one. Not sure which I would do. You can either politely explain to gm the situation and that you would prefer to have a dinner party or other get together once your husband is there. Second option, if one of the mother's coming is a good friend let her know the situation and have her be the body guard for you. Especially if she is someone that doesn't mind kicking SIL to the curb if she gets out of hand. Otherwise I would go with option 1. I have an unrulely SIL as well and I only invite her when I absolutely have to and then keep myself so busy that there isn't time to talk with her. Good Luck.

I say deal with her this time. If you think it would help, tell gma that you will invite SIL because it means a lot to her but tell her that this will be the first/last time you do that if your SIL returns to her usual behavior.

This response is very late, and I did skim through the other responses.
1. Is your SIL bringing a child that is your DD's age? This is a party for little ones, and they are too young to be left alone, hence the moms stay.
2. GGIL is invited because it is an opportunity to see her GGD. I always invited grandparents.
3. I liked the idea of a family get together when DH gets home. This is also an opportunity for GGIL to see GGD a second time within a close time frame.
When my children were younger, I always had a kid party with kid friends at a certain time frame, that when they left, it flowed into a family get together. Sometimes they arrived at the tail end of the party, sometimes they got there after all the guests had left. We partied all in one day and got it over with.
An after fact, when they were very young, they thought their birthday always fell on a Saturday, until my DD looked at the calendar and saw her name twice for her BD, the Saturday party and her BD day date, and asked 2 BDs? It was a precious childhood moment! After that when she was old enough, she would do a year long month count down to her BD, and a daily count down the month of her BD, and still does. I guess, now that she is an adult, that is why she has been celebrating her BD for a week each year! She even tries to stretch it out the whole month with her friends and they love doing it.

"I know it is late notice, but grandma thought you might
like to come to daughter's party. I will understand if I haven't
given you enough notice."