SIL Having an Affair

Dear N.-

I finally divorced my husband because of his alcoholism. I stayed in my dysfunctional marriage 'for 'the kids...

After the divorce, I had several 'friends' that told me of his myriad flings while we were married. Had I known earlier, I would have divorced earlier. I felt foolish...and feel I wasted precious years in an bad marriage.

Have him tell his brother...his brother then has more complete info with which to make a decision.

All the best
michele/cat

I would approach the SIL, tell her what he saw, and give her the option to either tell him or he will.

Blood is thicker than water. Tell him already. Chances are that he's already suspicious and just needs a confirmation.

I say he should tell SIL that the jig's up. Either she tells him or your hubby will. Place the ball squarely in HER court and let her decide how it will be handled.

My thought is that it should come from SIL. She is the one doing the dirty work and being unfaithful. She made her bed, let her lie in it! Have your hubby talk to her in private and tell her what he knows--tell her that she must tell her hubby tonight or he will tell him for her. Hopefully she will be more of woman and come clean. What a tough spot to be in~ Good luck.

M

There's no way I would allow one of my siblings to be cheated on without telling them. If he wants to accept that she's cheating and continue to stayed married, that's his decision but I think he has a right to know and choose what he wants to do. Imagine how hurt he would be if he found out his own brother knew and allowed it go on. And his mother knows and begs your hubby not to tell? Poor guy!

ADDED- I love Denise's suggestion!

I would, speak to the SIL.
Ditto Denise P.

If it was my sister and I saw her husband with another woman like that i would definitly 100% tell her. Your husbands loyalties are to his brother. His brothers needs to know.

Let me get this straight - your MIL knows that her DIL is cheating on her own flesh and blood son, and does NOT want him to find out?? I cannot believe that! That is AWFUL that his mother doesn't want him to know that his own wife is making a disgrace out of him by cheating on him! I am shocked. Your BIL DEFINATELY needs to know! It will be HIS choice whether or not to divorce his wife, but he MUST know this information! Wouldn't you want to know? Please tell your husband to tell his brother TODAY!!

I haven't read the responses, so forgive me if I am repeating someone...

I would suggest that DH approaches the SIL and confront her with what he saw. Then let her know that she has one week to come clean or he is going to do it for her. WHEN his brother finds out (not "if") please know that your husband's knowledge will eventually come out too.

This is about protecting his brother and family... she is putting them at risk on many levels. Honestly, I would be furious if my family all knew something and didn't tell me.

If she doesn't fess-up, then your DH needs to be a good brother and let him know that his wife is cheating on him and that he didn't want to reinforce her choices by keeping the secret.

He may be angry at DH and MIL will be furious, but if he values his relationship with his brother and the sanctity of marriage, he needs to tell.

There's no way your husband will win in this one. If he tells his brother, he's the bearer of bad news and that is a horrible position to be in. If he doesn't tell, the guilt will eat at him, he'll never be able to act "natural" around his SIL and if his brother ever finds out he knew and that even his own mother knew, that will be the end of any trust between them. I feel really bad for your husband right now - it's truly an awful situation. I think if I were him, I would talk to SIL and tell her what he knows. I think I'd ask her to come clean herself, and if she refuses, THEN tell his brother. He CANNOT carry this around for the rest of his life, it's just too much pressure.

WOW - That's a quandry, for sure. I don't envy your poor husband for being in this situation.

Personally, I think your husband has to tell his brother, one way or another.

Either tell the SIL that she tells or he tells.

I couldn't imagine if my sibling knew this and didn't tell me. I wouldn't risk the relationship with my brother.

I would probably have your husband talk to his SIL and let her know he saw them and ask her how she plans to deal with it. That is an awful secret to expect him to keep.

Does the SIL know your DH saw her? I would try to stay out of it. I agree hubby should talk to the SIL and confront her, make her tell her husband she is cheating.

I would tell my SIL that either she tells the brother or I would.
I could never keep that a secret,.

I agree that your husband should tell his brother. I would manage it by first telling the SIL that if she doesn't tell him, I would. But........I would wait until after the holidays, for the children's sake. Don't ruin them for the kids.

I'm sure your BIL knows. The working late "again" comment would give it away. I'd have to tell though. I would want to know if people knew and didn't want to tell me. I'd rather be upfront and honest and deal with people being mad rather than them finding out later that I knew and didn't tell. Just my two cents.

Your husband knows, you know and MIL knows....it's time for his brother to know the truth. I would just tell him now...but I probably would have walked up to her table at the bar right then. He deserves to know the truth and not be made a fool of.

I would have a talk w/ SIL and let her know that she was seen out w/ her boss and not being very professional. Ask what is going on (a one time thing or something more) and if she plans to end it. Let her know that your BIL will be told either by her or by his brother and give her a chance to tell him herself (this close to Christmas I would wait until after). Your hubby should then be there for his brother but also realize that if he is the one that has to tell him, his brother may not be thrilled w/ him as the messenger.

Do you think your husband would want to know if the tables were turned? Would you tell your friend or your sister if it was their husband? I think your husband needs to say something. It is his brother and how is his brother going to feel if when he does find out his wife is cheating and finds out your husband knew but didnt say anything? I bet he would be really hurt and angry that his own brother knew and said nothing. This is not just an aquaintence this is his own brother. I really think he should say something that he saw his wife with her boss, and that he should talk to her about it. That is just my opinion though.

I agree w/Denise - either SIL confesses, or your DH will do it for her. Give her a time limit - tell her hubby within X days or DH will. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. She needs to know she's busted. And BIL needs to know so he can deal. SIL's a btch for putting her children second behind her desires.

My ex-friends husband was having an affair (with my friend at the time) and once I found out I told her immediately. She was devastated, asked me and my newborn baby to leave (we were renting a room from her) and made it seem as it was my fault because I was still friends with "her." They are now divorced. Since then, I will/have not told another person what his or her spouse is doing.

TELL !!!!!!!!!!!!

He deserves the truth, whether he would leave or not, he deserves the ability to make the decision. And don't gave the dirty woman a heads up, otherwise she'll just have warning to cover up. He will eventually find out, and when he does he will have a lot of anger towards his family for not warning him.

I know you already have alot of responses. But here is my two cents worth...

Have your husband put himself in that situation. If his brother seen you cheating on him would he want his brother to tell him?

Now being a person on that other end... Even though I was miserable in my marriage and had 3 kids I stayed with my husband for the sake of the kids. After finally reaching my breaking point (me actually walking in on them "together") I filed for divorce. Now that years have past we are both remarried one by one I have had friends tell me that he was cheating on me before the one I caught him with. I now know of atleast 4 other people that he cheated on me with. Honestly I felt like a fool for staying with him for the sake of the kids after finding out not just one person... but 5 (that I know of) that he cheated on me with. Im sure your BIL has seen some signs before this... still gonna hurt as bad but I think he would like the truth and then he can go from there. IMO if she will cheat on him this time and thinks she got away with it, it will be easier for the next one that comes along

He needs to tell. Especially now that his mom and you (so very close people to your BIL) know it would be wrong to keep him in the dark. Imagine how he would feel when he finds out that nobody told him and imagine how your husband will continue to feel knowing its going on and he is not talking. I agree his loyalty is to his brother.

Oh my goodness, that is a horrible thing for your husband to have on his conscience. I am putting myself in your husband's place and if I knew that the spouse of my sibling was cheating on him, I believe that I would tell him. Can you imagine how you would feel if your sibling -- and sounds like your family in general since your husband's mother knows now, too -- knew this and didn't tell you? I would be absolutely devastated on both accounts; my cheating spouse and my family who knew and didn't tell me. Very tough call. I feel for you guys.

I personally would never forgive my siblings if they knew my spouce was cheating and they never told me. I understand the fear of him having a very angry response so If I were him I would send a letter to him or something like that, but if he has a great relationship with his brother then the brother will know he has his best interest in heart.

Again I would make sure he knew.

Tell her you know then give her so long to come forth, then open the flood gates if not taken seriously, then i'd probably notify the company they work for too....would get him fired

my opinion