Sibling Rivarly or Something More?

The way to make it worse, for sure, is to discipline her for it. Do not do that. When there is disciplining to be done because of a disagreement, make sure you do it to both girls. Also, and most importantly, give your oldest extra attention. Maybe make some special time just for her.

This is a really good time to make special time with your oldest, because you are verging on the teens, and she quite likely won't want to have much to do with you in a couple of years, so this is a good time to overdo the mom/daughter time with your oldest.

I had this same situation, with my oldest son and my daughter, the middle child. In hindsight, this is what I would have done.

Everything was about her the first 5 years, then...a sibling. It took some of her sunshine away. She become resentful of her existence and later it just became habit. Then enters the littlest sister. She automatically becomes a ally against the middle sister and also for the middle sister against the oldest. Sounds like my personal story minus the whole stealing attention thing. Except we were all born in less than 3 years. My older sister and I fought like it was vitamins, literally every day. We both adored our baby sister. She was one to tip the scale which rarely happened because she looked up to both of us.

I agree that it could be a compatibility issue. That was one of ours. If it's a consolation, as we grew into adulthood, we are tighter than peas in a pod. We are all so different in our personalities and priorities. Yet all that do not matter. We have a very strong bond and I believe that the fighting has helped because even if it seemed ugly we were still interacting with each other.

Just read some posts. Ooooh, seem like it's different for everybody.

5 years is a good sized age gap, and at this point they're in two different worlds. They likely don't have many interests in common, and the only thing binding them is dna ;)

My youngest sister and I were like this growing up, but we have an 8 year age gap. I honestly couldn't tell you what she was like as a child because I had no interest in her at that age. My parents very often had me watch her, so I was always there in a caregiver capacity, not so much a playmate. But now that we're adults, we're much closer. We have similar interests and I don't have to take care of her. (ha!)

Don't force your two older girls to be friends. Does your oldest have *other* 7 year old friends? Probably not. Instead, try to focus on them being civil to each other and get the bonding in there by doing family activities. Help them to make positive experiences that they can then build a friendship on a little later. Go camping together (even if it's just in the backyard), build a project of some sort together. Problem solving and team work activities will force them to co-operate and help foster those bonds.

In the meantime, insist that they are polite and kind to each other.

I wonder who on earth would tell you to have a fourth!!

I want to tell you that 12 year olds can just be awful. If she was sweet as an 11 year old, you're lucky, because it usually starts at 11. One of my nieces was so awful that it was hard to be around her. I felt sorry for my sister-in-law having to deal with it. She got so much better around the time she turned 14. I will say that this child has a STRONG personality and has been allowed to really push this personality on other people. I don't know if your daughter is like this.

However, she did not have younger sibs. She was just really bossy with everyone else. It is my opinion that the best way to deal with her is for you to not give in to her. As far as how I would deal with my niece (since I'm not her mother) I looked at her intently in the eyes and said to her regarding my own child "Let him be 6." Over and over.

I would not allow her to continue this even if you think it makes things worse. I DO agree with you that this could hurt their relationship as adults. That's why I think you should talk to a child psychologist and get advice. Perhaps having her work with a counselor would be helpful.

I cannot tell you how many places I have read about an adult who will not have an adult relationship with a sibling because of this kind of thing. I would venture to say that the same kid who would act like this will also have trouble with other people. I think that's another reason to get some help.

Good luck.

Your older daughter got a sister at a very trying age in general (I don't know what your kids were like at 5 but mine is at a tough stage where she wants to do it all but can't really yet). And now she's 12 and that's a whole other mess of hormones and whatever and her sister is almost 8, a time of preadolecence. Etc.

I would not force them to have a particular kind of sisterly relationship other than to say they need to be respectful. What does she treat her sister badly for? Are there things that she could do with or for her sister that might promote some family harmony? How does your 7 yr old behave toward her sister? Are she and the other girl different personalities (I would be surprised if you said no....my suspicion includes that the 7 yr old and the 12 yr old would clash, no matter the birth order).

I was a very mean preteen. I admit it. And my sister and I had a falling out in our early 20s. We missed each other's weddings. We did finally patch up but one of the things I had to learn (by myself, no pushing from Mom) was to shut up. Shut up and let my younger sister be her own person, respect her as an adult, and value her as my sister. When I learned to shut up (after a sincere apology and desire to be sisterly again), things got better. So don't micromanage this. There are some things they need to sort out themselves.

I don't know why we all assume sisters will get along and be best friends. Even I had hoped that would be the case, and my sister (the older one) and I NEVER got along! I guess we all just buy into the myth that our children will be loving and perfect because we will make them that way.
Your daughters are individuals, they have personalities and temperaments and while you can encourage them to be kind and loving and insist that they treat each other with respect you can't really make them "like" each other. I know my girls love each other very much but 90% of the time they are simply getting on each others' nerves and I'm just trying to maintain the peace.
Let go of what "should be" and accept what "is" and you will be able to move past the sadness.

I have a similar situation. My kids are 11, 7, and almost 4. While my daughter has always been "spirited" if you will, it kicked into high gear when our middle child was born. She has resented him since the day he was born, and she seemed to resent us for having him. I can remember sitting on the couch nursing him while she sat next to me pinching my arm (even though I'd be trying to read her a story) Fun times! I was nervous when I became pregnant for the third time that she'd resent the youngest baby as well. But she was completely different with him and it didn't seem to phase her at all. My middle and youngest got along great until just recently, but the middle one never had the resentment issues. At present, the oldest is still very mean and aggressive towards the middle one. She is sweet to the youngest unless he's annoying her which is starting to happen more. And the hardest part is that she tries to enlist the youngest to gang up with her on the middle. I think this is part of why the middle and youngest aren't getting along as well as they used to.

I just can't wait for school to start back up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some siblings are not compatible.
My younger sister (she's 22 months younger than me) and I fought (knock down, kicking, slapping, hair pulling brawling - the only thing we didn't do was closed fists) like cats and dogs till we moved away from home.
To this day we can't be in the same room for 15 minutes before an argument breaks out - and we're in our 50's now.
Do not force them to be together and everyone should have a place where they can get away from each other (sanctuary).
They don't have to love each other (and you can't make them) but they do have to be as civil as they would be to any stranger.
It's possible they might appreciate each other more once they are adults but you can't count on it.

When my daughter's argue I rarely take sides. I tell them both to stop, I do not want to hear it and if they can't get along they can go clean. No fighting aloud. I can't remember a time when I disciplined either one for fighting.
I would think your oldest would be feeling resentful if she is being punished especially if she believes it was her sister's fault.

If the problem is very bad (the 12 year old is hurting the 7 year old or there is a danger of it) I would consider therapy for her and the family as well to work through her issues. If it is just that they don't like each other, well, that is life sometimes. My sister did not want me from the start, we have never gotten along, and even as adults are not close. I would love to have a real relationship with her but I have accepted that that will simply never be the case.

Siblings do not always like each other nor get along.
I know.
I have a sibling, the eldest, that was JUST like your eldest.
When I was born, ever since I was born, she was just a monster to me. ALL our life. ALL the time. She was just, mean. To me.
Once we became adults, well one day, after my Dad died, she told me she hated me. Like I didn't know. And it was all because, she said she was jealous and that she resented me when I was born.
Oh well. Too bad. That is HER problem.
But she made it "my" problem.
Sure my parents tried ALL sorts of things to curb it or stop it. But... to a certain extent, it is and was just her personality. Not all people, are jealous or mean or treat another that way. Not everyone gets resentful etc.

You need to talk to your eldest. And get to the ROOT of the problem. Its not like you can just get rid of one child just because the eldest cannot cope. Or send her to a Therapist. Really.

And the other thing is, being the "target" of an eldest sibling like that, REALLY MAKES life MISERABLE, for that other sibling. So you ALSO have to, look OUT for, that child that is constantly being picked on and targeted. Because, this is VERY TOXIC, for that other sibling.

Me and my sibings were all raised the same. My parents never favored any kid over the other. But my eldest sibling just made life miserable for me and decided for herself, that she was going to pick on me. But it was HER... who had a personality problem.
Later in life, as an adult now... she actually went to a Therapist. And so now... it seems to help.