Sibling Rivalry - El Monte,CA

When my girls do this, I separate them. They are not allowed to play together for a set amount of time (I usually do 10 min). It never fails, within 5 minutes the are begging to play together again and when they do, they are much kinder to each other. After that, usually just the threat of being separated is enough to get them to straighten up.

Good luck!!

Hi

I don't know if it's normal, but I know it affects tons of siblings. I'm not sure why - my mom tried everything under the sun to make us get along.

I have some different advise than everyone else - I have only child (sorta by design). my sibling rivalry experience comes as a sibling not as a parent. My sister and I still don't get along and I will be 40 and she will be 38.

I would say a couple things-
1) get them different lives. The bickering is exasperated by how much time they have to spend together. So - different extra currciular activities, different camps, different schools if possible. They need to lead different LIVES so they aren't on top of each other all the time. I would have given up food to go to a different school than my sister and she probably would have done the same.

2) get them a different playdate schedule. 7 year old has a friend over on Saturday, but 5 year old GOES over to a friends house at the same time. You will have to do some fancy footwork for this until they get older.... but see if you can get a regular gig going for each of them... rotating weeks of who is where. this works if you don't have a structured extracurrciular schedule that is different for each of them.

3) focus on the behavior - not the emotion behind it. When you separate them - they each go to a different room with the door closed for however long. Set up a schedule for who gets to pick TV time... that rotates too. If the other one doesn't want to watch they go play IN ANOTHER ROOM until the show the choser picked is over.
No yelling or screaming - the one who yells loses something. the instigator loses something.

4) just wait until they get older. you have seen NOTHIN' til you've seen 'em duke it over who rides in the front seat. Or a girl.

I wish I had better advise.

Teach them what "family" is.
Teach them that they are 'siblings'... and that means looking out for each other and having each other's back.

Everyday, tell them to try and do something for the other sibling or you.
Practice.
Tell them, to think of how they can 'help' each other or to think of something they like about the other sibling and/or you and Daddy.
Practice.

If they can write, have them write it down too.
Keep a checklist, so that when they do do it, it is 'visual' and they can see their 'accomplishments.'

Sibling rivalry, happens.
But teach them to COOPERATE.
Not everything is a 'competition'

Reinforce the positives they do. Not the fighting.

If they fight over something, then take it away. From BOTH of them.

Teach them, what family is. And the 'role' of what a sibling is.

Don't "expect" them to HAVE TO share everything.

Teach them how to TAKE TURNS.

I don't make my kids share everything. Some toys, are just too special for one child or the other and they don't want to 'have to' share. That's fine.
You teach them to RESPECT the other's belongings.
That is a lesson too.

all the best,
Susan

Hooo boy. We must be blessed beyond belief! Our kids (boy and a girl, 3 yrs apart) have never really been like that. They do bicker sometimes, that is perfectly normal and expected. But they are just as likely to be looking out for the other one. Used to be that when I picked up my daughter from school (she got out earlier) and we'd go to the store or whatever waiting until time to pick up her brother, I'd get her something. It might be some popcorn, or time playing at ChikFilA or a bottle of cold water, even (I'm good about not buying them STUFF too often, lol)... anyway.. if she got something, she'd ask if we could get one for her brother too, to give him after we picked him up. He's the same way about her.

Husband has taught our eldest from an early age that he should look out for his little sister. And he does. And when they do start to bicker, if they don't work it out quickly (or if my nerves are just shot that particular day) we just tell them not to speak to each other. That they are not ALLOWED to speak to one another. Period. They don't like that. Usually they are pretty quick to mend fences or offer the coveted item to the other one, so that they can play together.

I do allow them to work out some of their own differences. I try to help them problem solve, etc. But sometimes I just won't tolerate it. And I tell them they can't play together--they go to their own rooms alone. And we do not allow them to say mean things to each other at all. They have been told early and often, that if you can't say something nice, keep your mouth SHUT. If they fight over a toy/DSgame, whatever, I will give them one warning.... if they don't solve it between themselves, I will take the toy and neither of them gets to use it.

I would tell them fighting and bickering is simply not allowed. After giving a warning, if they can't come to a compromise then stop what they were doing. For example... Fighting over legos, put them away. Fighting over the TV, turn it off, fighting in the car, once again give a warning, if it doesn't stop immediately tell them they should have listened you were going to get them a water ice but now they need to think about being nicer to one another. Then get yourself a water ice. If you are like me, you will feel mean doing this but trust me it will only take a few times of doing stuff like this and they will get it and your home will be forever more peaceful.
Also, I would tell them your expectations (there will be no fighting) before they get into the car. If they choose to fight in the car I would tell them since they have enough time to fight then they have enough time to clean up the family room or pull the weeds in the garden. Trust me, they will catch on real fast if you mean what you say and are consistent.

my boys are 11 and 9...

If they fight over a toy - I take it away...I warn them as well - if you are fighting over it and can't agree - i will take it away - then there is nothing to fight over...

My boys each have their own rooms...EVERY child/person NEEDS their own space.

I firmly believe in consequences for actions...we have rules in our home that EVERYONE must abide by - same consequence for broken rules..they were agreed upon so the kids didn't feel like they were living in a dictatorship ....

We stress LISTENING and RESPECTING each other in our home as well...the do unto others is one our golden rules!!!

GOOD LUCK!!

Hm well my step sister and i used to fight like crazy when we were young until we got into teens and spent next to no time together because we didn't get along and now we are the best of friends, our parents did nothing fair or good when it came to interventions. My brother and I on the other hand have always gotten along and are still the best of friends.
I babysit for a 4 and 6 year old that fought like crazy and I simply would try to let them see the light harded side of what was going on. If they didn't stop then I'd have them sit on the couch (seperate sides) without moving to cool their tempers until they I felt they were cooled down enough to get along once again. I don't listen to he said she said's if I can help it. And simply punish them both with a time out of acitivity for not being more empathetic with one another. It has been amazing for them. I swear that they act really well and ask me if I saw how sweet they were so I can tell them how proud I am.
I remember having the TV problem and they were screaming at each other and I told them they had to come up with a solution or they couldn't watch, and after some time the older one came to me and she said, we can watch his show today if he agrees to watch my show tomorrow. I let her know how proud I was that she was so sweet to him, and made sure he thanked her and she felt proud.
When they are really bad I force them to play apart which is a punishment for them who then ask to play together again soon. If they take more time before asking to play together again I assume they just needed a time out from each other.

Totally normal!!!!!!!!! All three of my kids have that rivalry and like to get eachother in trouble.....They are angels when they are not together. If you find the answer let me know :)

Hopefully as they mature the spats will be less frequent. That's what I am hoping.

My kids stopped fighting in the car when I pulled over and told them to get out and walk. Stop fighting or walk!!
Don't play into their fights. Tell them to settle it for themselves. Set a day date and time for TV, at 1, 5 yr old picks the show at 2, 7yr old gets to pick the show. Monday 5 yr old plays with the legos or you share without fighting, Tuesday 7 yr old plays with them ect.
They have found a way that gets your attention. Even negative attention is attention. From now on only interact with them for positive things. Thank you for taking out the garbage or feeding the dog. If they come in and cry 'he's being mean to me ' open a book and start reading or turn up the volume on the TV or radio or go to the bathroom and lock the door. They will only learn to settle their differences when you make them do it.

I do believe there are some children that just don't get along. But I have also noticed siblings of same sex, especially boys tend to be the type to compete with each other.

I have two girls 2 years apart and I come across some similar things. Luckily for me so far my youngest is more agreeable to do things my oldest daughters way. But she's getting older and I can already see things start to change.

I think you just try your best to encourage playing together. I never pin my children up against each other. (Not saying you do) I try to constantly tell them the great things I think each of them are doing, yet differently.

My IL's had three boys that they competed each other against. Things like oh look your brother is behaving, how come not you? Things of that nature. They've done it with my girls too. Oh look your sister is putting on her coat, how come your not. I try to stay away from that type of thing.

But some siblings just don't play well together.....no matter what you do. I hardly ever played with my sister as a kid, and now I would consider us close. So it doesn't necessarily mean it will be like this forever.

Hello, Unfortunately, this is the way it is with siblings. However, when they get older, they probably will be very close. I raised four (2 boys, 2 girls). They fought. I learned that this is how people learn to work things out. We had a rule and that was that the older one couldn't fight unfair. Plus, there was no hitting allowed. When the hitting started, they went to their rooms. When the screaming started, they went to their rooms. I didn't allow tattling either. I did daycare in my home and it would have been an all day thing to allow it. The car was easy. I put a book in my car. EVERY TIME they started in the car, I would pull to the side of the road, pick up the book and act like I was reading. I didn't read the book, they just thought I did. It got very quiet. It didn't take long for them to get the "cause and effect".
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

totally normal and our payback for annoying our parents. you said you cant seperate them, yes you can! you can do whatever you want. you're the momma. SEPERATE them!! get another tv. seperate them. when they act up in the back seat of the car turn around and go home. if you cant go home, pull over to the side of the road. Give them a consequence, if I have to say one more thing to you boys, I will keep your DS with me for the next 2 days. Or whatever they love - take it away. if they fight over something - they cant have it until they are ready to share and take turns. I also find it helps to give each one individual time. I send one with dad and one goes with me. Next time we trade. That way they each get one on one attention.

they are fighting for your attention....

Give them each their own room and their own space...

Lead by example...no more yelling and screaming...if they can't get along or are fighting over a toy - take it away.

RULES!! BOUNDARIES!! Guidelines!!

Just a few thoughts. One way I used for my 5 daughter and 7 yr old son, way back when was the following. I sat them down and asked them how they would feel if I picked on a certain project they had done at school, or painting, picture whatever, they made, how would they feel if I made fun of it. Both rapidly agreed it would hurt their feelings. I then explained to them that they hurt my feelings each time they picked on each other because they each were something that I loved and helped to create and it hurt for someone to pick on something that I loved. You don't have to get into the birds and the bees. Just pass along the idea of how important they are to you. Worked for a while for me. They are now 25 and 28, and yes the best of friends.

Just read the other comments. I also agree with having boundaries. If after this little chat you have, they still can't share, take it away. Arguments in the car, go home whenever possible. They don't want to be separated because they on some level are getting a need met out of the attention. Time away from each other, may make it better in the long run for them, certainly hell for you in the beginning.

Again, just a few thoughts

Good responses here. May also check out the "siblings without rivalry" book.

You just described me and my sister (maybe without the hair pulling (out)).
They may grow out of it, or they may never.
I'll be 50 this year (my sister is 22 months younger) and to this day we still can not stand each other.
The bickering at home stopped when my sister moved away from home.
My Mom talked, yelled, spanked, ignored, tried to make sure EVERYTHING was equal between us - nothing worked.
We are and continue to be polar opposites and we DO not attract.
They didn't ask to be siblings, but they are stuck with it.
As much as you can, send them to separate corners - divide and conquer.
It's only 11 or so years till your oldest might be ready to move out.
In the mean time, invest in ear plugs and insist on no bloodshed.

It sounds like my 2 girls. They are about 18 months apart in age. They are now 10, (almost 11) and 9. I agree with what most of the moms are saying below. Separate them as much as you can with different activities. The girls are both in Girl Scouts but in different troops. Yes it is exhausting for you having to take them a million different places, but they do need time away from each other, so that when they are together they can enjoy it more. My cousin had 2 kids and they kept them so busy with sports and activities that there was no time to fight, nor was there any time to get in to trouble as they got into their teenage years. Fighting often stems from boredom.
When they are together they need to get along. I was an only child, so I am constantly stressing to my kids that they have a built in best friend forever. Someone to always play with, talk too, lean on, and that it is THEIR job to protect each other. I make sure and let them know that it disappoints me when they fight - kids rarely don't want to disappoint their parents. I try to make sure we also spend one-on-one time together, so they aren't competing for my affection either. If they fight over a toy, it is taken away from both of them. I will warn them once - suggest ways to compromise and if they can't do it - it's gone - period! Make the punishment fit the crime. If they fight over TV, no TV for a week - not an hour, not a day, a week. Keep arguing - want to make it 2 weeks?
It's hard, I know, and my fondest hope is that they get along when they are older, and I am just doing what I can. We have long talks about how we are suppose to treat each other and hopefully, one day it will stick!

Good Luck!

I read somewhere to find the time that both kids are most likely going to get along (usually earlier in the day) and have them play together during that time. Then, during times they're less likely to get along find activities they can do separately. I definitely notice this with my kids and try to follow a simple schedule so they have more experiences getting along rather than fighting. In fact, I'll let them know if they can play together nicely for a certain amount of time, then they'll be rewarded with something they want to do (playdates with their friends usually).

When my kids do fight I do what so many suggested below - take the thing away that they're fighting over or separate them (I usually send them to their rooms). I also improve the situation by having the kids say at least 5 nice things about their sibling. Usually, the compliments are "Your shirt is really cool" or "You have pretty eyes", but it gets them thinking of nice things to say rather than mean things. They usually end up giggling and laughing with each other. And, we always end with a hug. Once I had them write a paper about what they like about their sibling.

I think it's normal to fight with the person you're around all the time. If we, as grown ups, haven't learned how to communicate effectively we'd be fighting with the person we live with all the time too (some adults still do). You have to be consistent and vigilante to teach your kids how to get along and be fair. That's part of our job as parents and it sounds like you are doing a great job trying to teach this. Just hang in there. Hopefully some of the strategies here help. Good luck!