Shy Mom - Shrewsbury,PA

I know exactly how you feel. I am extremely shy and I am now 40 and have been this way my whole life. I really don't have friends anymore since having kids. I think part of it is that it is so hard for me to reach out and when I didn't have kids, I had the time and energy to do it despite my shyness. Now I have no energy to put into it. I wish i had friends, and I am lonely now, but I just can't seem to find the time and energy to put into it. I lost all my friends when I had kids because they did not have children, and we suddenly had nothing in common. My kids are now 4 and 6 and I wonder if things will get easier as they get older, but so far I am stuck. I look forward to see if anyone has some advice to you. But the only thing I can think of to take a risk, make it once a week and think of something you can do to connect with someone. Sometimes just saying hello to people is a first step. If you can easily do that, try on a Monday saying hello and asking about their weekend, "Hi Mary, How are you? Did you have a nice weekend?". And the key as well here is to be interested in their answers. Good luck!

I feel for you, and am in your same boat. I'm always so careful (too careful) when I meet new people, because I'm afraid I'm going to say something that will offend them or make myself look silly - I think for me it's a bit of a confidence thing too. So I'm usually quiet so I either look stuck up or uninterested, neither of which are true.

Since my daughter has started school (and she is little miss social) I've had to force myself out of my comfort zone and make a conscious effort to talk to people, mainly her friends moms. When I know I'm going to be spending time with them, I actually mentally prepare (think of things I may talk about or questions I can ask them).

Some people will connect with you and others will not. Don't be discouraged if you strike up a conversation with someone and they don't seem to connect with you. Not everyone will mesh.

Can you take a class or join an activity that will help you meet new people? Maybe tennis lessons (this is what I love) or volunteer as a room mom at school? Maybe be a Girl Scout leader?

You'll definitely have to come out of your comfort zone. Ask people questions about themselves, or ask their advise on something (people love to give advise when asked :)

I so envy those people who seem so at ease talking to anyone about anything. I wish I had that gift of gab and extroverted personality. Unfortunately, it's work for me :(

Hi Amber,
You've gotten some good advice here. I can relate to your issue. I find it helps to remember that other people are just that -- people, just like you. They are not scary! If you open up to them, they will usually open up to you. You get back what you put out there. Smiling helps. But be genuine. Try not to worry/think about it. Just be yourself, and with some time the connections will form. You are a wonderful person, and people will be happy to know you! Share yourself with them. :-)

First learn to be happy with yourself whether alone or talking with others and then be free to open up to them. It's hard though and I find people are so into themselves and more so these days with the texting, e-mail, etc. etc. Not that those are bad but it makes us not face each other and take time to 'see' others sometimes. I have found people are usually very glad to visit and talk.....about themselves. I've tried often with some and they never ask a thing about me, my family, etc. but are very friendly to me. You have to just overlook that. It's not easy though. I think you should find someone who needs a friend too. Maybe not the ones you are seeking out at work but someone who has a need and would appreciate someone being there. Don't give up though. There are many out there like that. I, too, am more shy but have learned to be friendly. Still shy though. I don't think we should try to change how God made us whether introvert or extrovert. I doesn't work. Just learn to be friendly and happy as you are but not in a shell of fear.

Here's something my great aunt told me a few weeks ago (keep in mind, her husband passed away about 5 yrs ago and my Nana, who was his sister, just passed away.) She told me that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do and that make us uncomfortable just so that we can keep moving forward. For her, that meant that even on days she felt too sad to go out or do anything, she forced herself to, so she could prove to herself that she is still alive!

For you (and I know this, as I am not always outgoing myself.) MAKE yourself have conversations with others. About anything. That's how you get to know people. In talking w/ someone, you will likely find some common ground...kids, siblings, pets...something! You might feel anxiety, or overwhelmed, but the only way for you to make friends is to break out of your shell! Best of luck w/ this...it is so hard to try and fit in when you are too shy to know how to proceed. It's ok, though! You can do it!!! :)

Be proud of yourself for the little things. I was really shy in high school and once I started college and was forced to meet people I didn't know I was a basketcase. I remember the first day of class I decided I was just going to force myself to talk to someone (I'd prefer to just sit and listen to lecture and then go, but it was a small class). I picked a girl that looked friendly enough and plopped myself down and said hi. This is something most people do without a thought, but for me it was really hard! Now almost 10 years later I still remember how proud I was to initiate a conversation with someone new. Gradually it got better, after I finished school and started working (I'm an RN) it got much better. Being forced to interact with people was a kind of therapy. Stick me in a room and I can talk to just about anybody now! Know that you are most definitely not alone in this problem!

I can relate :) I hope you get some good advice. My tip would be to try to relax and not worry to much about the sort of abstract/daunting task of "getting to know people" or "making friends". Do your work and, on the social side of things, make an effort to be genuine and kind. If there is a buddy to be made, it will come from ongoing interactions and a real connection.

Take advantage of opportunities to chit chat. Make sure you sit in the lunch room with co-workers, don't eat lunch at your desk. Use compliments to start conversations. "I love that scarf you're wearing, the colors look great on you. Where did you get it?" Bring in some goodies to share. Put a little card in front of it that says Enjoy, compliments of Amber. That will give others the chance to stop by to thank you and talk for a bit.
Use cute things your child does as an ice breaker. Say, I just have to share because this was so cute...
You may have to step out of your comfort zone a little but in time you will get to know everyone.
Best wishes.

I had to overcome this many times throughout life too. I'm naturally introverted and shy, but have had to get past it again and again and again. Finally in my 40's, I'm much more fearless and secure. They say we "come into ourselves" as we age, and for me it's true. I guess forcing it so many times finally made me realize it's not scary. If I had the power and security in my 20s that I do now, my life would have taken a much bolder course-but hey, never too late I guess.

Some of the most valuable pieces of advice I got about it may sound harsh, but I find a lot of truth in them. One teacher told me, "shyness is selfishness". Of course that is outrageous, many people are naturally shy and they are not selfish, but the point is, when you don't reach out, you don't give others the opportunity to feel good, and you don't show your interest in them. Think of how wonderful you feel when someone nice approaches you, smiles, and asks you how you're doing and who you are. Then an interesting talk ensues, you've made a connection with another human, and you walk away feeling great. It's not fair for you to never do that for people. And another great saying is, "It's not about you". Often, we're so worried about how others will perceive us, we want to hide. But no one cares. Everyone is thinking about themselves, and noticing the people who are either really outgoing and showy, or really mean, or even just nice and interactive. They're literally not noticing the people slipping quietly by in the background, and it's no one else's job to come scout you out. If you want friends, you have to make a move. You don't have to perform or be impressive, just smile and make eye contact on the way through the office each trip to the water cooler. Use the line, "hi, I'm ____who are you?" with a smile. It's that simple. Strike up a little chit chat. Don't overdo it. But you can feel awkward and shut out for MONTHS in a new job OR you can start asking people questions (easy to do when you're new), ask about themselves, and show you are open and nice. Don't be fearful that suddenly you'll have to do all kinds of after work stuff or anything, just be friendly at work. Participate. It's hard, but you can do it.

Make a hit list of the people in your office you WILL initiate a conversation with. Cross off two per week. Approach, ask question, whatever. And walk around slowly and confidently making eye contact, smile, and say "hi" when you pass. Don't race around with your head down doing the "busy" walk all the time. If there's a way to join people at lunch, do it.

I too am very shy. I just try to mentally prepare myself by thinking of things I can say before hand and then once I get there, literally force myself to speak to someone. Once you've broken the ice, it's much easier.

Congratulations on your new job. It won't take long and you'll feel like you've been out there all along!

I'm not a shy person, but I took a public speaking class and one thing I learned from it was that we think people are paying more attention to us than they actually are. If you have a chance, check out Toastmasters (toastmastersinternational.org). It might help. :)

Hi Amber,
Not too many people would know but I am really shy. I have had to force myself to get out and talk to people. I have a similar situation, after getting married we moved from the west coast to the east and then I got pregnant and then again 3 years later.

Luckily I work outside of the home. I'm pretty friendly so I smile a lot which seems to really soften people. I had a manager who almost never smiled, it's not that she was mean, she just doesn't smile much. Lots of people have asked me if she's a horrible person which again she's not but she was perceived that way. I've also noticed that people really appreciate it when you remember to ask how their husband/wife/kids/parents/schooling/etc is going. You don't have to remember everything about them, just one little tidbit, almost like a politician. Then is shows that you are interested in them as a person instead of just a coworker. Also try not to push stories of your kids, respond if someone asks but don't lead every story with them. I know a woman at work that EVERY story has a tie-in with her daughter. Sadly, people avoid her even though she's pretty nice.

I'm not saying that these tips are going to help you get oodles of friends but it may create the pathway to a friendship or two.