Showing Sympathy for a Miscarrage

I would at least send them a card, don't elaborate on the situation, just acknowledge that you are there for them if they choose to talk about it. Its nice to know that someone will listen if you choose to talk about it.

I have had two miscarrages this year and I can say that it would have been nice for someone other than my husband to recognize my loss's. Many websites are devoted to miscarrage and you can find rememberance gifts for greiving parents. The most important thing is that you help her to remember her baby, not try to forget him/her. I personally would skip flowers, but a card and someting with the baby's name/due date, etc would be nice. My husband went to build-a-bear and made me a bear for each baby. I was nice because it is personal, it has the certificate with the babys name and due date. Hope this helps and I am sorry for the loss.

Angel,

I am so sorry for your families loss. I know that this is such a hard time for everyone. I have had 3 miscarrages in the past 3 years. Thanks to a lot of prayers we have a happy, healthy 19 mo old boy now. The best advice that I can give you is to be supportive. Call her & send her a card. Flowers are not necessary. But words of support, sympathy, and love are what it takes to make it through such a hard time. My sister didn't call or send a card. I felt as though she didn't care. After a few years I was able to discuss it with her and she said that she didn't know what to say or how to handle the situation. I had the chance to explain to her that it was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and jsut a few wwords of support would have ment the world. I hope this helps you. My prayers are with you and your family.

G.

It helped me to know people cared. Just saying I'm sorry is about all you can do, but it does help.

I was in a similar situation when my husband's sister lost a baby after a big announcement at Mother's Day. I thought she wouldn't want to talk about it, but my husband's mother encouraged me to call my sister-in-law. I was uncomfortable, but I'm glad I called. I know she appreciated my sympathy and we discussed how she should tell the numerous people she had announced her pregnancy to already. We decided she should send out a massive e-mail letting everyone know the bad news. (I had a friend that recently used this method for a divorce and it worked great). My sister-in-law was still receiving congratulation messages on her voice mail at that point, so the e-mail ceased all the messages and allowed her to go into public without someone congratulating on her pregnancy when she had already miscarried.
On another note, a friend of mine miscarried some years ago and later told me how heartbreaking it was that nobody acknowledged her loss. She felt such a great loss and everyone else acted like it didn't happen, or that it was just a minor medical procedure she had endured.
Good luck with your decision.

Please send her at least a card telling her that you care about her and are available to listen if she needs it. Don't say anything about any pregnancy in the future....since there is no way to tell if she will be able to have a baby at all and it just hurts to be reminded.

After 5 years of trying and 4 miscarriages, I finally had my little girl and I remember all the good things that people said and all the things that made me feel bad. What was always best was just to know that it was important to someone else and that I was important to them.

If you have any other questions, please write me at ____@____.com!
With smiles,
R.

With my both my miscarriages, it meant so much to me when people expressed their sympathies with cards, emails, and flowers. It helped to know that other people recognized that it was such a big loss. Words as simple as "I'm so sorry for your loss" and "we grieve with you" were comforting and validated my own feels of sadness. Please don't say anything about this being a part of "God's will/plan" - it's very hard to hear that God doesn't want you to have a baby...even if this experience is part of His plan. It may make sense to a bystander to rationalize it, but to someone suffering the loss of an unborn child (or any loved one), it's a bitter pill to swallow.

Hello, from someone who has been there with 4 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth at 5 1/2 months before we were able to have our daughter! All you can do is call and make sure everything is all right and if you can do anything that will help! Of course they will say no but its always made us feel like people cared and thats the best thing for them! cards and flowers will only remind them of what they lost! I sounds nice and all but trust me it doesnt help! Hope this helps!!!! :) C. B.

I would give them a sympathy card keep it card and some flowers that would be nice.

Definitely a card...flowers can cheer or depress, so that's touchy there. And it really wouldn't even have to be an "official" sympathy card, maybe just one that says you're thinking of them.

I would also consider some gift certificates for carry out. Pizza Hut for example or whatever type of food you think they might enjoy ...your sister isn't going to feel like cooking, much less be in the mood, and may not really feel hungry. Having some gift certs provides an easy meal and doesn't have to be expensive either.

We tend to think that miscarriage affects a mother more if she was farther along, but with them trying for so long, I'm sure it's just as heart-breaking. My brain storm of the day here -- how about that program where you "adopt a star" and get a certificate of your star's location in the galaxy, and you get to name your star. I don't think that is real expensive either, but would be a way to ackowledge and pay tribute to a baby that is already being missed.

Send something to show you acknowledge the loss. I also lost a pregnancy in June of this year and the most hurtful part was close family who 'ignored' our loss. We got many thougtful cards and emails, which were greatly appreciated. Send a nice card, it will show you care.

Hi Angel,
I think it totally depends on the person. You know your sister and BIL better than anyone so I'm sure will make the right decision. I had two consecutive miscarriages before our son was born. Some in my family had told people I was pregnant when I didn't want anyone to know... they were just so excited. When I miscarried we received cards, flowers etc which really overwhelmed and upset me further. I can't explain why, my emotions were just all over the place. Today I realize that they were just trying to reach out but at the time I just wanted to crawl into a hole.
All that said, she is your sister and there is a special bond there. If it's possible, I think that flying out to see her and spending some time alone with her would be very nice. I'm so sorry for you and your family. It's always tough.

The best thing that you can do is simply "listen". Send a card, and then call every few days and listen....Everyone deals with loss, in their own way.

A.

Angel,
I'm so sorry for your family's loss. My Good friend misscarried earlier this year two weeks before their wedding and I didn't know exactly how to deal with it so I asked both my sister and sister in law who had both been through it, and they suggested that just a call to let her know that we are here for her and will be here when she's ready to talk. She didn't call me until two weeks later just before the wedding but when she did, we both cried together and she was ok with everything. Her and her husband may need this time to themselves to grieve but as so many other responses have said, just knowing you are there and care can make a world of difference. I know that in this situation a lot of people don't know what to do so they choose to do nothing in lew of making a mistake. Good on you for caring enough to try and figure it out so you can be there for her! They are very lucky to have you! Good luck and I'm sorry again for your loss.
V.

I had lost a baby about twelve years ago, and nobody really responded much about it, but what would have made me feel much better was phone calls, i needed someone to talk to. I did have a beautiful 4 year old at the time she is now 16, but if someone would just had called me and said your gonna be fine, now I have another daughter who just turned 10 at the end of August. Give her a call and not a card she need to cry with someone.

J. Sell

Dear Angel,

My mother lost three babies in early pregnancy. The one thing that I realized as I was in my early teens when they occurred was that this was the loss of a loved one. A card is very appropriate, similiar to what you would send to someone who had a death in the family, for this is what has happened. Just like with any death, the person may feel anger, guilt, hopelessness, denial, etc. So, it is best to say little and listen more.

I've miscarried 3 times and it was actually hard when people expressed sympathy. For me, I just wanted to forget it. I don't think there's any right answer because people deal with grief in different ways.

Suzi

Angel,
As someone who has been through this exact same experience, I can say that I appreciated anything people did. What hurt the most was when people didn't acknowledge it or say anything. I know some do this because they aren't sure what to say, but it's nice to know people understand your loss and are thinking about you. Some personal (unsolicited!) advice--DON'T say things like, "It wasn't meant to be." "You'll have another baby." "You'll get pregnant again." "This is very common." None of those things every made me feel better. What made me feel best was when people simply said, "I'm so sorry, and I'm thinking about you." On that note, I do know have 2 beautiful boys so there is light at the end of the tunnel! I wish them luck.

I've been there twice myself, and I really appreciated people who acknowledged my loss. I had a very good friend who sent me a small gift (cute little silk floral arrangement). She had been through a couple losses herself and liked having a momento. I thought that was nice. Cards were great - with a personal note and also indicating that you would be willing to talk if she ever needs a shoulder. A little memory box would be appropriate too - for the ultrasound pictures and any other momentos they have of the baby. Just some ideas. Hope that helps. S.

Angel,
I don't know if you are very religious at all but, 7 years ago I had a miscarriage and my sister who had also had a miscarriage a few years earlier sent me a plant with a statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I still have that statue, and just looking at it now helps me get through even todays sorrows. The kind thought and sympathetic ear helped a lot too. Many times it is helpful to talk with other women who have suffered the loss of a miscarriage. And I'm not talking about support groups at this point. The statistic is, 1 out of every 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. There most likely is someone she knows that has been through this.