Should I Just Get up and Go?

yuck, what a bad situation. No matter what you keep talking to him until you can compromise. It is a marriage, so you don't just go and get an apartment without his knowledge and then make him deal with it. You two are at two extremes now and you just need to find a middle ground. Tell him staying there 6 months isn't an option for you so you need to discuss how to proceed. I agree with getting a two bedroom apartment. You could put the difference from the 3 bedroom into savings. Maybe the concept that you will be saving for a rainy day will help him come over to your side. A small place of your own is better than a small place crowded with people!

I would agree with most of the other moms and would try to talk it out with your husband. He probably feels like he's failed and doesn't want to leave a "safe" place too soon in case things fall through. I would assume that your husband's self-esteem is pretty low at this time. If you would leave right now, it could damage your marriage beyond repair. Would you really want to be a single mom? I can't imagine having to deal with my girls on a daily basis without my husband. (And I really can't imagine doing the single scene and the dating garbage again!)

I would try to find a time to talk with your husband when you are both in a good mood. Maybe get one of your family members to watch the kids and you and he go out on a date. Then maybe you could find a common ground and work out a solution.

I do feel for you, because I would so not want to live in my sister-in-law's house. But it is a season in your life, and the seasons do pass quickly. What is the saying? The hours may crawl by, but the days fly by. So, hang in there!

I wish you the best,

J.

What a tough decision to be in. You and hubby need to talk things though before they get worse. If you would seperate/divorce then you'd both need a place anyways. When things are tight you have to make them work. Maybe another month or two at your SIL's. Can you take the kids to a park for a few hours just to get out of the house? Maybe walk the mall and let them play in the play yard??? Join a mom's club to keep busy but do it on a budget. I hope you can find the calm before the storm. Good luck.

Have you ever stopped to think your Sister In Law might be as upset as you about this arrangement. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Also tell her you appreciate everything she has done for you. If you don't like the mess why don't you clean it up. When I came back from school at 19 years of age I found my parents had given my bedroom to someone else. There was no going back home at that time. I had to live with my brother, his wife and two little girls with another baby on the way. I kept busy with a full time job and when I came home at night I helped with the cleaning, gardening and the kids. I also helped my brother remodel the living room when my sister in law was in the hospital having their son. I was there for about six months when my bedroom at my parents became available. But instead of complaining about people touching my things, or using my shampoo and conditioner, etc.. I made the best of it and actually am very thankful now for the time I had there. Every step in life good or bad is a growing opportunity and learning experience. I understand where your husband is coming from and hate to say it but he is right. His job could end tomorrow and next time your sister in law might not be so willing to let you move in. You are there all day, if you don't like the way things are then do something about it. My brother had lots of dogs, and yes they tracked dirt and hair was every where. But what I did is when I got home from work I would vacuum the furniture and the carpet so I could sit in a hair free living room. Talk to your sister in law. Let her know whats bothering you, make friends with her. Life's tough, we don't always like the way things are but we can learn to make the best of them. Your sister in law is an Angel. Not everyone will take in a entire family and keep them. Offer to do her nails, hair, etc.... Enjoy yourself, lighten up. You've got it made and don't even realize it....

I was in a similar situation as well. It felt like I was trapped in a go no where position forced to suppress myself and family to the point where we couldn't be us anymore (with being in someone elses household). I feel for you.

What DID help was keeping busy, staying hopeful and reminding myself that once this is over, we will be in a much better position to start over again. I found ways to get out of the house to places that were inexpensive or free and where we could just let loose. I joined mom groups, met with friends, went to TONS of playgrounds to allow my dd to let out all that pent up energy (as there are many nice ones in Naples), went to public events (faires & festivals), the library, free day at the zoo, and finally, to just UNWIND, I'd go to the beach. I'd get out as often as I can. I did most of my living out of the house. And when I was at home, I'd do my cooking & cleaning (since that was a part of the living arrangements) and retire to our room that we shared to play, watch a movie, talk or just find a place to be seperated from everyone else. I'd dream, plan and prepare for the very near future where we would have our own space.
If you can't find anything to help you cope with your situation, maybe you can offer your husband a different perspective on your situation. If he's afraid of falling back into debt or getting in over your head again, try explaining that it won't be any different than where you are right now. Life is full of ups and downs. Everyone goes through tough times at some point in their life. There's no reason for him to feel bad (if that's the case). If you'd like to ease the stress and pressure for the both of you, maybe you can both compromise and set a goal date to get your own place - a date you're both comfortable with. It might motivate you both to do what you have to in order to get to that point or at least you can both take comfort in knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel. :)

Just remember that this is one little part in your whole life. It won't always be like this. You'll get through it and maybe even appreciate the whole experience later on.

Hi M.
The state of our economy certiantly is giving many challenges and offering many opportunities for growth to thousands! It sounds to me that amongst other things this situation can be & maybe should be just the growing situation that you need.
Why are you so afraid of others touvhing your stuff?
Each of you have valid points. I am sure that you want your own hone & your children will eventually require one. Your Husband has a point that right now it is not wise to depend on a job lasting if you have other options. Have you thought of accepting that position and building a nest egg of your Sisiter-In-Law will be kind enough to let you & your brood remain there for a few months?
Your Sister-In-Law is to be honored and appreciated. Not all would be that kind. I am sure this is not the easiest thing she has ever done. Mother always said to me that we all have ways that others find disgusting so allow them theirs. Can you imagine the problems that might confront you if you had the home & opened it to 5 people?
My advice is to be careful. Build that fall back nest egg and relax & learn what this situation has to teach you.

S.

My heart goes out to you. We lost our home in 2004 to a hurricane. Nobody wanted to rent to us, because we had small children, a dog, and my husband is a smoker. With so many people displaced there were a lot of better options for tenants to choose from. We lived with my husbands parents. I thank God for them every day, but when push comes to shove you are right you just can not have 2 queen bees. My husband is the oldest of 6 and my in laws still had 3 kids at home. They had 2 in high school that had to be out of the house at like 6:00 AM, and my children were sharing a school because there school was damaged in the hurricane, so they went to school 1t like 1:00 in the afternoon and got out after 6:00. I could not stop at the store and get laundry detergent if I needed to, because she had dinner on the table when we walked through the door. I felt completely out of control. It was one of the hardest things we ever went through as a family. I say all this to say, I have walked a mile in your shoes, and I could not wait to get out.

However, even in 2009 a marriage is a team and you have to work with your husband, not against him. If you ever need someone to talk to, who will isten and understand, feel free to drop me a note anytime. I pormise you there is a light at the end og the tunnel. Make sure that you are sharing with your husband how you feel, but also listen to him and why he feels the way he feels.

hey mom of three, sorry to hear your haveing a really tough time right now. and unfortunately, your not the only one haveing it rough,(with the economy the way it is.) i understand you totally! but what you have wright now is better than you/your whole family being homeless! i think its just a price to pay for a roof over your heads. i would be nuts if i was going through that tooo though! its probably a good idea to talk about your problems as much as possible to get your feelings and frustrations out. and i would just step down some from being "queen bee" so much and try going buy her rules. it is her house after all. maybe a household meeting might be a good thing to try and resolve as many issues as possible.good luck!

First, it is 2008 and you don't ever "have to do what he says". Marriage is a partnership, and as such you guys need to come to decision that works for both of you. Obviously staying with your sis-in-law isn't working out. Maybe you guys can find a middle ground. Maybe get a smaller 2 bedroom apartment temporarily until things are more stable. I would sit down with hubby and tell him that staying where you are isn't an option and that you would like for the two of you to come up with something else together. I wish you the best of luck in these tough times.

Your situation sounds incredibly difficult. We might possibly have a condo available in the Fort Myers area that we could rent out for a reasonable rate if it is helpful. It is a 2-3 bedroom condo near Cypress Lake Dr./US 41. Our current "renter" is not paying us anything at this point. Down the road we would need to make our mortgage payment at least, which is about $700, but if this would be helpful to you feel free to contact me.

Victoria, mother of 2 daughters, 6.5 & 3.5

If you can pay the bills, you should really talk to your husband about moving. Can you compromise and get a 2 bedroom apartment? I'm sure his objection is the money and this way he won't be as stressed over finances.

Whoever said your sister in law should be honored obviously doesn't begin to understand your situation. That's rediculous. Why are you not being honored? You have it far tougher than her right now. You need a hand up, not to be pushed down. She sounds impossible and she probably does resent that you live there. Good luck and keep the faith. It will get better for you and your family.

And if your husband doesn't agree to move, leave that house with your kids from sun up until sun down. Go to the beach, park, playground, library and the mall. I wouldn't be in that house a minute more each day than absolutely necessary!!! You might sleep in that house, but you can live in the whole big world around you. She can't tell you what to do in any of those public places. Feel free to email me if you need any encouragement. :)