Should I Invite My Friend's Son to My Son's B-day Party? Help!

I think you should do what you WANT to do, not what you think you SHOULD do. I think that's how everyone should do it.

I think life is too short to be so petty. If she is a good friend and you like her in all other respects, then invite her if you want to. Don't invite or not invite based on what she did. I personally find hosting parties to be extremely overwhelming and perhaps with all the kids it was easier to limit the number of guests. Despite the fact she has plenty of space, it still involves food/drink and the time and energy to make everyone feel included as well as keeping the kids occupied. Don't get hung up on tit for tat. It's a bad example to give to the kids. Plus, if she really is a good friend she shouldn't have to worry about offending you - you should believe her and understand her situation. Just my thoughts...

I think we can sometimes get caught up in what other people do and think we need to act the same. Maybe she is not as good a friend as you thought but if she is a good friend then give her the benefit of the doubt or maybe her son did decide on who he wanted either way I think you should not base an invite on what another person has done. Be the bigger person, make the better choice. I hope this helps

I would still invite her. You did say she was one of your good friends. I invite people all the time to my kids birthday parties and was not invited to theirs. So what. My kid doesn't know the difference. They just know about their birthdays parties and how much fun they are having with their friends.

It is stressful enough planning these things, don't let something like this add to your stress.

If it bothers you that much, just tell her how you feel. But I wouldn't make a big deal of it since she already told you the reason why you weren't invited.

When your friend only invited the children that her son wanted there, she was thinking of her son, which is what you and your husband need to do. His birthday is about him, not about adult politics. If your son wants your friend's son there, then invite him. If he doesn't want him there, then don't invite him. Get over the whole "rejects" thing, because sometimes that's just the way it is. Ultimately, it's their day and it's not about who invited who to what function, right? At 5, they are old enough to say who they want at their birthday party.

Personally, I think you might be overreacting just a tad. First of all, I don't care how big her house is, she is still ultimately responsible for ensuring the safety of, controlling and entertaining all the children present and still making it an enjoyable event for all and especially her birthday child. At 5 years old, about 7 or 8 kids is PLENTY. More than that is just chaos, IMHO. And if he is in preschool and she invited the whole preschool class, however many kids that is, it is possible that she was concerned about the kids "knowing each other". So what if she invited the other boy not in the class. THAT was probably the guilt invitation. Did it occur to you that maybe she thinks more highly of YOU and that you would be grown up and understand? Maybe this other woman is more childish about this sort of thing. Or maybe the party was mentioned right in front of her son and she was trapped into inviting him. Maybe her son invited the other boy without her permission/knowing about it. You just will never really know. And it doesn't matter. Yes, you should invite her son to your son's party, if you would have otherwise. If you invite all his "preschool" friends and that is all and don't include this other boy, so be it. But if you would have invited him except for this little "incident" then you are being the "mean" one. Are the boys actually friends? or do they just play b/c you and this mom are friends? They are getting to the age where they will begin choosing their own friends and it takes some adjusting on the part of us parents. Because the kids they chose for their friends may not be the ones that WE would chose for them. Usually, from what I hear and have seen so far in my own house, that is more often the case than not. But if you let it "play out" on its own it usually works out just fine.
And all the other stuff aside, what are you teaching your own son about life's little disappointments? If things don't go like you think they should that you take your ball and go home? I have had parties (been invited to) where both my kids know the birthday child and only one was an invitee (I have a boy and a girl 3 yrs apart). It doesn't hurt my feelings and they get over it within an hour or so. It is part of life. My son can learn that he doesn't get invited to everything and it doesn't mean he isn't liked. He wouldn't have that much fun at a "princess party" anyway! Sometimes I take him and do something else fun with him, sometimes not. But it is usually a forgotten thing by the next day and the kids really are fine. Your son will react to this sort of thing the way he sees YOU react. Think about the lessons you are teaching. If you present the whole thing as "well, maybe there was something else going on that we don't know about that has nothing to do with you" then your son will be less likely to be upset (if he even KNOWS about this whole thing) and if he does you can help him get over it.
Best of luck to you. I wouldn't let it ruin a friendship over something like this.

P.S.
Since her son was the one that wanted to invite his preschool class and she and "Jane" are so close, maybe she invited Jane and her son so she would have some HELP running the show. I hate having a party without a "back-up" mom that I know and trust to help with the kids and help serve and direct activities and take pictures, etc...

Hi, S.. Well, I think that regardless of what the other boy's parents do, you should not hold their behavior against their child. Does your son want to go? Are the two boys good friends? Do they get along? If so, then by all means, invite the other boy. Try not to get into all that woman's social weirdness. If she is that stuck up, then she doesn't deserve anyone else's friendship, but your son deserves to have his friends, so don't worry about HER -- just facilitate and nurture your son's friendships. Do what's right for your son, and don't worry about what a snob thinks or does. After all, you're inviting her KID, and she is just along as a chaperone.

Peace,
Syl

I think you should be a good friend and invite your friend's son.
Here is something to think about. First if she really is your good friend you need to quit being upset and stewing about the fact your son was not invited to her son's party. If you don't your anger and resentment will separate you and you will loose a good friend.
I got this from a friend read it and then make your choice...
Two friends were walking through the desert. At some point in the journey they got into an argument and one friend slapped the other in the face. The one who was slapped was hurt but without saying anything wrote in the sand "today my friend slapped me in the face"
They kept walking and soon came to an oasis where they decided to take a bath. the one who got slapped in the face got stuck in the mire and started drowning but the friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning he wrote on a stone "today my best friend saved my life" The freind who had slapped and then saved his friend asked "After I hurt you you wrote in sand and now you write in stone Why?"
His friend replied" When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it."
Learn to write your hurts in the sand and carve your benefits in stone.

Hello,
I understand you may have been hurt by all this, but remember the 'ole golden rule and teach it to your children; "treat others how you want to be treated" - this is regardless of how we are treated, it's unconditional. The rule doesn't say, "treat others how you want to be treated, only if they treat you kindly".

Don't let the children suffer for what could be adult issues.....

Hope this helps....

HI S.,

Does her son and your son get along? Does your son consider him a friend? Does your son want him to attend his party? If yes, then I would put aside any pride, or what's fair or not fair thoughts aside, and just invite the kid. It's not about his mommy or you. It's about the kids. Your son's happiness.
If, after you invite him, he doesn't attend the party (for whatever reason), then your done, don't invite him for any future events if you still feel offended. Don't put so much thought into it.
There are a few mommies I don't really care for, but my daughter loves playing with their kids, and vice versa. Se la vie. It's about the kids.
I hope this helps.
K

When it comes to our children we carry our hearts on our sleeve and at time we get so swept up in emotion that we forget what is really inmportant...the children. It apprears that your feeling were more hurt than your sons. It's your sons party....ask him who he wants to invite. If he wants to invite boy X, great...if not fine.

Just invite everyone!! Take the higher road...don't let other people have control over what choices you make.

Just remember...it about the kids!!! Go party ...Have fun!!! Forget about the silly stuff....life to short.

If this is a person whose friendhip you value & your son would enjoy having her son at his party, then of course you should invite her & her son to your son's party! You may have to swallow your pride a little but the mature thing to do is to cut your friend some slack & give her the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like you believe she meant you no harm. If that is true, why would you want to hurt her in return (revenge)? I personally struggle with birtday parties & always worry about leaving someone out & hurting feelings. Even if your friend has a huge home, she may just not be comfortable with trying to entertain a large number of children. It can be pretty overwhelming. My advice is to think about your budget & space limitations, as well as who your son would like to have at his party & let your guest list follow suit. I wouldn't exclude her purposefully. It would be better to speak to her directly about your hurt feelings than to try to send her a message by not inviting her son to your party.

I've been a preschool teacher for 14 years and I have heard of these stories happening before. The best advice I can give is to be the bigger person, don't play their game and do the Christian thing....invite the child anyway. You are teaching your son a very good lesson. Life should not be about revenge it should be about treating others the way you would want to be treated. You will come out feeling better, knowing in your heart you did the right thing. Who knows, maybe he'll decide not to come (or the mother will feel guilty for what she did and be too embaressed to come.) Be the adult, not the child.
GOOD LUCK.

Hi S.
Have you confronted your friend, asking why?
Telling her that you are really hurt that your
sons did not share in this happy event of
her sons' birthday? Then wait for her to answer?
I sense you have taken this personal thus 'revenge' seem's "justified"...
Remember the 'golden rule' & apply it even now...
you will be blessed to do it God's Way & not 'your way'.
Precious, this might seem harsh,
but take it from someone...me whose been hurt alot thru incidents as such throughout life
still learn'n 'not to take it personal'...
sure make's life more simplier,easier, & just plain happier to do the right things giving these burdens over honestly to God.
Blessings can only birth forth
as you trust in the Lord.
S., I'll be in prayer for you and your family.

In God's Timing & Way,
S.

Ya know, when I was growing up, my mom and dad let me invite one person and only one person. For every birthday I can remember, my best friend was by my side as my family sang happy birthday to me. Now that I'm 36, I'm glad that my birthdays were so special, having my family and my best friend with me. Birthdays are special or else why would we bother celebrating them, right? With my children, I've always celebrated their birthdays with family. When my first daughter turned 5 or 6, she asked to have her best friend over and I agreed and it was a small celebration. Nothing fancy, nothing grand.

I hope you don't take offense to what I'm about to say but I say this only because my daughter has been invited to a lot of parties and honestly, I think parents invite so many people in hopes to get loads of gifts. I went to one party and the mom said she invited 50 people for her young child and she was disappointed that less than half showed up. Your son, fortunately, will never remember if his so called best friend was at his 5th party or not. The bickering between the grownups should be left at the door and if you're not going to invite somebody because your son wasn't invited first, then save time and the expense of doing some big celebration and instead, do something just for your family. Besides, you said that it was you who was offended. What about your son, is he offended? Chances are he could care less. Your son's birthday means more to you and your husband than it does to anybody else in the neighborhood...I can promise you that. That's what I think. I hope my insight was helpful and not taken in a negative way.

I really think you should invite the son to your son's b-day party. For one, you don't want to punish your son's friend for his mom's behavior (from what it sounds like -- you won't punish the other mom's son, but I wanted to post that). Two, you will want to act like nothing has happened. You'll probably find out later the truth on why she didn't do an invite to begin with. You might want to rethink the friendship though. Just try not to be vindictive because I know if I was put in the situation you are in -- I would be. Emotions get the best of me, but it's just bad karma. You can feel offened, just remember to not let your emotions take over and handle it like an adult. You sound very nice and smart, so I'm sure you can handle this.

Good luck in whatever you do.

I know this is late but my advice would be to invite the other boy. It is not the child's fault that his mother didn't invite your son. If the child were older and didn't want your son at his party then I would say yes, but that is not the cause. You shouldn't penalize a child your son from having his friend there and the other child from being a part of it because of a choice his mother made. I think his mother was wrong and it would definately affect my relationship with her if it were my friend. Good luck!

It was wrong of her but be the bigger and better person. My question would be whether or not your son really likes your friends son and enjoys playing with him. If he does then invite him, if not then don't feel obligated... The party is about him and he should be surrounded with friends that he likes and of his choice. I would tell him that you get XXX amount of friends to come to your party and ask him who he would like to come... If he needs suggestions you can mention this boys name and see what he says. He's only 5 but he's smart enough to know who he likes to spend time with.

Good luck and have a fun party!

I think you should invite her son to your son's b-day party. Be the bigger person here. Maybe you can talk to her at a later date and tell her how she maybe should have handled the guest list for her son's bday party; after all they are just children how complicated could it have been to add a play mate and true friend to a bday party... I hope you guys reslove this so that the boys continue to be friends

Well that sounds like a tough situation. Has your son asked for this little boy to be invited?? If he really wants him to come, I think you should invite him. I know it doesn't seem fair, but that is more between you and the mother. Besides, you will look and feel like the bigger person. If your son doesn't really make a thing of it, then casually leave that name off the list! You shouldn't have to explain yourself anyway. Regardless of what you choose to do, don't sweat the small stuff!! Good luck!

I totally agree with everyone who says to ask your son if he wants to invite this boy....without first saying anything to him about your reasons for not doing so. Come on! They're 5! Do you really want to be teaching them all this high school petty drama this early in life?

Hi SAHM (S.) I know it doesn't seem fair......and its so easy to get offended by these minor matters. I would suggest to not let it offend you in such a way that it is consuming you, because you may never know the real reason behind wht's going on....so to make life a little easier for you as a mom don't partake of the same behaviour and go ahead and invite her son to the party - this will help show her a mature mom that you are - your life is your husabdn & kids not other moms or people who decide not to send their children over. She is the one missing out really but she will come around eventually when she sees how you handle this situation and even if she doesn't send her son that's okay she is still missing out and probably needs somtime to get over whatever issues she may be dealing with so give it some time and if she chooses not to come around keep just as that - focus on your son's b-day party and how great it will be and count your blessings of another year some mom's lost their kids - life is too short - continue to be sweet to her but at the same time give her time to make a choice. Blessings

Hi S., I think it stinks that she did that, i think you should invite him, Its your son who is friends with her son and for him not to come to his birthday party wouldn't be fair just because he wasn't invited to his friends party. I think it was selfish that she was being selective, but some people are that way. I would be a better person and invite your sons friend. I have friends that i can never figure out and if i am offended or have questions i ask them or tell them my feelings on what happened. I don't know how close you are to you friend, but if she already told you why she was doing it then she has no other excuse for what she did. Let us know what you do. Good Luck
S. Mom to 5 beautiful children 17yrs,9yrs,7yrs,3yrs,and 13months old come check out my sons journey at www.liamlockhart.com

Does your son want this other little boy to come to his party? If so, then invite him. It is about the kids, not who is right or wrong. I don't believe what the other mother did was nice and to give you a reason like that is really silly but two wrongs don't make a right. Did you have intentions of inviting him before this happened? It is not the little boy's fault, it was his mother.

My advice: Forget about the grownup games and just ask your son if he wants this boy to come to his party. Invite or not accordingly. 1-year-old parties are for the parents; 5-year-old parties are for the kids.

Do what you think will make your little boy happy. That's the only way to guarantee that you'll feel good about yourself afterward.

Hi Sky,
Your probably right about the Halloween party...my guess is that she does want to clear her concious. Her actions are classic passive agressive...not wanting to address or talk about the real issue, but dealing with it "underhandedly". If you really care about the relationship, find an appropriate time to talk with her about it and ask in a kind way if there is anything that has been done that may have hurt her or her son in any way. I would only ask this if you are "feeling it"...and not just out of duty. Additionaly, I absolutley WOULD inviter her and her son to your son's party. Take the high road and try to keep your heart open...humility and kindness will always win the race. Our instinct is to protect ourselves...but sometimes we need to step outside and be the bigger person....two wrongs don't always make a right. Hope it goes well!

This is about your son's birthday. Does he want his friend to come? If so, invite him. As a parent, it is too easy to get caught up in adult emotions, when it isn't about that. Keep in mind, this is your son's birthday party.

Hi,
this happened to my son in September, although in our case we invite this family to all and every event no matter how big or small, and recently they had a first birthday party for their son and we were not invited. We felt hurt but it's not about us it about the kids and when our son's 2nd B-day comes around we will invite them, because they enjoy each others company. Remember it's about keeping the kids happy and if having his friend at his birthday party is what he wants invite him. Since you son is going to be five just ask him who he wants to attend.

first of all lets forget about you and your friend. and let me ask you this--is this boy your sons friend, if so why not ask your son if he wants him there. if your son says yes then invite him. fi not then do not invote him. but at the time you ask your son do not say remember he you did not get invited to his.
plus even though your friend is being the way she is, you need to be the better person because apparent;y she can and was not.
i say leave it up to your son.
and then maybe also you need to have a long friendly chat with your friend and explain to her you found out so and so was there and you know that person is not in her sons pre-school so you would like to know the real reson your son was not invited.tell her your feelings were hurt. if you are true friends you should be able to talk.

Does your son want her son there? I think that should be the only thing that matters.

If it bothers you that much, just explain your feelings to her. Tell her that you felt offended by her snub.

But if your son wants his friend there, then don't let your situation with her stand in the way of his fun on his birthday.

Why don't you ask your son if he would like to invite him to his party?

Yes, I think you should invite your friend's son. It isn't the children's fault and this is a good chance for you to be the bigger person. If anything, maybe your friend will see that the way she handled things wasn't the right thing to do. Use it as an opportunity to show your children how you treat people even when they haven't treated you in the same way. You will be setting a good example for your children and also for your friend. It will most likely give her something to think about. You have to let go of things like that even though it bothered & hurt you as it does not benefit you or children.

Hey S.,

I know this is a tough issue for you, I had something similar with whether or not to invite a friend of MANY years to my baby shower. I decided to go ahead and invite her and leave the ball in her court as to whether or not to come. She got invited and chose not to come, but came by a few weeks later and dropped off a gift. My advice first would be to ask your son who he wants to invite and see if he mentions the little boy's name. If so, go ahead and invite them and leave it up to her as to if she comes or not. There will be other people there, so you won't feel like you have to spend all your time talking to her. This is your sons party, let him be the one to choose.

Hope this helps, I know this is a hard place to be.
T.

Does your son want this other boy at his party? If so and it's within your budget then invite him, after all it is his party. If your son doesn't really care then let it go and maybe let your friendship go, who needs so much drama over kids parties. You can't think too much into getting an invite to certain parties. Every mom at some time is going to be forced with drawing the line somewhere over how many kids/people she can afford or tolerate at a party.

Good Luck.

It's your son's birthday party, and if he wants that friend there, he should get to invite him. If your son doesn't want to invite him, that's fine too. Try not to let another adult's social misstep taint your son's birthday party; it isn't supposed to be about the adults anyway.

S.,
I always read the request and answer immediately. I do not ever look at the responses of others until after I respond. Many times, I find that what I have said was what others feel. Well here goes.

S., I personally do not feel that you should turn this into "toddler birthday wars" while I do completely understand your dilemma, suspicions, and the reasons that you feel offended. I can't say that I have been in this position before, but years ago I would have said, "forget them and feed them beans!" (smile.)

I do feel that you should listen to your husband, if questions come up as to the reasons why she did not receive an invite for her son, refer her to your husband. Your husband appears to be the wage earner and he will be paying for the party I suppose, so he does have major say so about who comes or stays.

Your friend has her reasons, but, if she invited one outside kid, she could have invited your son just as easily. It appears that she takes your friendship and your feelings for granted. If she were only going to invite the classroom kids, seems to me, the party should have been given in the classroom. Considering this should stop your suspicions about who else was invited, the purpose of classmates outside of the classroom is so that others may attend that are not classmates.

When you think of the friendship of the two children, however, you adults are childishly interfering with that. I do understand that just as me, you would not want your child to be any place he was unwanted. You should ask your
son how he feels. Kids are insightful. Do not mention that he was not invited to that childs party, just ask him if he would like for the kid to attend the party. Then discuss this with your husband.

If your husband is for the healthy friendship that will exist between the children, he will understand that the party is not about the adults, and he would not want to leave the child out.

As for i will call her "Molly" you can explain to her that it was important for you and your husband to invite her son because the party is for your son to enjoy HIS friends and His Birthday. I think "Molly" will have to think about this. You see, too often, we get wrapped up in
how we feel about a thing. This day is about your child. Many times, the old people would tell us, "Don't be a portal for the devil."

That means that in this case, step outside of self and think of the friendship between the two kids. Years later, your son will not be explaining to his friend why he did not invite him to his party. His friend will have the safety net of responding to your son, "my parents did the invitations. I really wanted you there." The devil sees an opening and he jumps in and makes a horrible mess. He uses us for his purpose, to confuse and destroy only if we allow this.

Now, whether or not she brings him will tell a story, just as reading the PLL in your financial in business does. Pray for your friend that her heart and conscieous can and will be clear enough to let her son join in the reindeer games.

I wish you and your family all the best! Life is too short to overlook the happiness of the innocents here. I think you understand.

God Bless,

Jen

Personally, I think you should ask you son if he wants him to attend. It is his birthday party after all and he is of an age where he can make this decision. Your personal feelings towards the other boy's mother should not be a factor in the boy's friendship with each other.

Thanks,

KG

I think if your son wants to invite the boy to his party he should invite who HE wants. And if this person is a real friend to you and her son is a real friend to your son then tell her how you feel and then let it go. That's what friends do. Good luck.

Hello S.,
Remember everything you do your son is watching. You and your husband are setting a foundation for him.

In situations like this I always recite the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the peace to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Your son was not invited to the party - You can't change that
Your focus should be on your son's birthday, not the other mom - You can change that

Exercise some wisdom!

It is not your friend's son's fault that this happened, so why should he be punished? Do the gracious thing and include your son's friend to your son's party, and enjoy the present!

I don't think you should let personal issues that you have with the mother and whether she invited you all to a party or not interfere with your son's birthday party. The bottom line should be: Does your son want to have her son at his party? If so, then you should invite him.

We are talking about 5 year old boys... YOU be the bigger person and invite her son. This will teach your son that even if people are rude to us we don't have to be rude back. If it was HER b-day and she didn't invite you, fine Don't invite her to your party. But don't punish the boys for one mom being a "B!____@____.com"!
When I moved to my new neighborhood I had a party for my 2 year old daughter. I had spoken to my neighbors but didn't think their 9 year old would want to come to a 2 yr olds party so I didn't think to invite her. Well the day came and Went and I went to my neighbors to borrow some vinager for easter eggs and her 9 yr old point blank asked me " why couldn't I come to Emilys party?" I was floored! I felt so bad for not inviting her. So my point is the children do see things and it does hurt their feelings! Just keep that in mind...

I think you are over-reacting. As your child grows up, you will encounter this situation more and more. A 5 yr old only needs a few friends over. She had to draw the line somewhere. I don't see a thing wrong with what she did.

If your kids wants to invite the other kid and you have space and energy for one more, then invite him. If not, don't.

I don't think this issue is worth loosing a friendship over. It's really no big deal.

S.

First of all, it is not the child's fault that the mother made a poor choice, and that's all it is, a poor choice. That doesn't mean that you have to take vengance or make her suffer in some way. That's really obsurd. If you want to make wise choices in life, you don't make them according to your feelings, b/c your feelings WILL deceive you. You can't make decisions based on hurt feelings either.
Here's what you do: You sit down with your husband, you pray that God will show you how to forgive your friend, and then, Bam! you forgive her. You let it go totally. You overlook it! Yes, I'm serious. You choose to make a wise decision and a mature one to love your friend unconditionally. Love is spelled-L-Listen Attentively, O-Overlook Often, V-Value Highly, E-Encourage Regularly.
You don't do these things because it comes natural or because you want to or even because the other person deserves it, you do it to be wise and mature and to get over yourself. You make sacrifices in order to truly be a friend to someone and to show them how to be a friend to you by your actions.
I pray that you will invite your friend and her son and that whether she shows up or not, you will be okay with the results. Forgiveness is underrated and there should be more of it going on.
Too many people want to just react out of hurt feelings, when you have a great opportunity to show mercy to someone and touch their hearts regardless of their actions.
Take Care,
T.
Mother of 4
Wife of 1
Child of God

I would try not to worry yourself, over analyze or read too much into the details as to why your son wasn't invited to the your friend's son's party and ask your son if he would like to have your friend's son at his birthday. Leave it up to him. If he likes him and wants to share his birthday with him, then there is your answer. If he says no or I don't care, then ask him why, but I'd still take the moral high road and invite the friend anyway, instead of feeding into the pettiness. It may also provide a good opportunity to show your son how to be the nice guy. Again, as long as your son enjoys his birthday, you should try to forget about the "small stuff".

Hope this helps.

J.

Hi S.,
I definitely think that you should invite the little boy if your son wants him at his party. Its about doing what is best for your son on this day. If his friend doesn't get invited, he may question why that is and what will your answer be? Think about it.
If your son wants his friend there and you can handle another child, go for it and don't worry about what the other mother did or didn't do. We all have our reasons for doing things and we need to remember that the next time someone does something that doesn't seem right to us. She may have had no underlying motives at all. So, figure out what your son wants to do and try to please him! Good luck and I hope everything works out well!
A.

S.!

You know I have been through many heartaches in my life, we all have. I have come to the conclusion, LIFE IS TO SHORT TO BE SPENT WORRYING OVER PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE YOUR TIME!

In other words, it's time to say 'Adios!' to this woman who may have used to be a friend but obviously is no longer!

Cutting this woman out of your life now will save your son pain in the future before he becomes older & closer to her son and realizes he isn't 'good' enough to be a part of the other boy's 'circle'.

Your son & yourself deserve better friends!

MOST SINCERELY!

A.

Dear S.,
Accept your friend's explanation about the party and quit thinking about why your son was not invited. You are making assumptions. If your son wants his friend at your son's party, invite him. Be an example to your son for not being petty or for holding a grudge. If you show hurt or resentment, your son will pick up on that. The world has too many serious problems. Be magnaminous in your friendships. Do we want our children to be sensitive to every perceived slight? No. Be happy.

I would ask you son if he wants her son there. Ultimately, he is 5 years old and knows who he would want at his party. How awkward would you have felt if you were the child and your mom told you not to invite someone you were friends with? The parents differences should not factor in in my opinion. Its just not fair to the child. In my opinion that could eventually teach him that you don't trust his decisions even if that has nothing to do with your reasons. Allow him to tell you if he wants him there.

I have not read other responses - so sorry if repeat. I think it is your son's friend - if he wants him there then what happened between adults should not matter. It is your son's special day and he should have him there if he wants him! Good luck - that is a tough choice.

Make it simple and ask your son; Would he like to invite the boy? Kids do not carry the same baggage we parents do.

Also, ask yourself: do you want a long term relationship with this family? If so, then you should put your hurt aside and invite her son. You will be the better person, the mom will know it, and you can feel good about yourself. I guarantee you, that mom is uncomfortable with what she'd done as exemplified by that after thought Halloween party. Do you want to have a relationship with her with this issue between you forever? You can end it by inviting her son.

If you no longer want her friendship, end it now and save yourself this grief.

Tit for Tat is never a good way to go. If the boys are friends than it would be better to invite him and let go of your ego. Kids should never be put in the middle of adult issues...that's not fair. If they are a No-Show than you know there is another issue that you may want to confront and resolve.
I just had a Birthday Party for my son...I couldn't invite everyone...sometimes we can not do what makes everyone happy.
Good Luck.

Teach your son that you behave as you believe you should, not in reaction to another's behavior. If he wants to invite him, then he should. If your son's feelings were hurt, I think you should have your son tell the other boy that as well. As far as YOUR friend goes, tell her to grow up, be a mother and not let her 5 year old make all the decisions. After all, there was the feelings of your son to consider. She should never have allowed that to happen if her son did say that. However, Im guessing it was your friend's decision and she is hiding behind her son. Sounds to me like you need a new friend.

I recently went through the same thing and felt the same way. There was no way under the sun that I was going to invite my neighbor's daughter (who is the same age as my daughter 6)to my child's next event. But after talking it over with my husband, we decided not to do that. You know why? Because it only hurts the child(ren). They have no control over what we as parents do. The mother knew that she was totally wrong and I know it also. Invite her child as if nothing even happened! That alone will make her feel childish,silly and wondering wow I guess I really was a jerk. Invive her son. If she allows him to come, good. If not, that's ok too. (that's one less body to deal) You did your part and did it gracefully! If your son asks why his friend didn't come,tell him they were out of town or visiting his grandparents....but you know in the end, it's all about the kids.

Be the better person

Wow. Honestly, I really think you took the whole thing WAY too personally. If your son enjoys the company of your friends son, then yes, you should invite him because the party is about him and for him. I see how a similar situation I have been in could easily be looked at the way you saw it. My sister recently had a party for her son. My nephews schools rule is that you cannot invite one kid from the class to a birthday party and take invitations to school. You have to invite the whole class if you are bringing the invitations to school. So she had to invite everyone....which was ALOT of kids. We have two neighbors who are good friends of mine. One of their sons came to the party to play with my younger son. It was a last minute thing.....not a well thought out thing....he was just standing outside when we were getting things ready and so we invited him to come along. My other neighbor happens to be outside with the whole family when we return and sees the other little boy run back home with all his party stuff and it was obvious we had come back from a birthday party in which they were not invited. Nothing personal. Just worked out that way. We could only handle so many people at the party. She could have taken offense and may have....we weren't invited to the next party she had.....but I didn't take that personally. Just figured she had different friends there. We are still friends and have done other things together. It is no fun to have to consider every persons feelings for every event. We are adults and should keep in mind that we may not understand some decisions made by others, but they should not have to explain their reasons for not inviting us or whatever. Its not our business. YOUR party is your business. But just remember who its about. A good friendship could be ruined over something silly.

Wow, mom to three small boys. Listen, don't fret over this; you could be what my mom calls a mentch (spelling) by inviting this woman's son. After all, it's not his fault that his mother's a jerk. My mother tells me all the time that people pay for the sins of their parents.

Remember it's about our children and not us. I made my son's party smaller this year because it's just too much money to invite everyone. I felt terrible; I kept it just my parents and our extended family ; the people that adopted us over the years and a few people from my husband's work. I would have loved to invite lots of people but I just can't do it all. Our friends our great.

This woman really should have invited your son; you would be getting even with the child; remember when it comes down to the nitty gritty with people, that's one less gift she will have to buy.

I don't care about gifts, I just want the people to enjoy themselves. That's my biggest concern.

Why don't you ask your son what he wants. My son is too young; he just turned two. I can't wait for the days that he invites his friends. To me, one more shouldn't have made a difference but people are strange.

Take care and let us know how things turn out.

Will it make things any better if you dont invite her son? Dont "not invite" just to get back. Ask your son if he wants her son there. I know your feelings are hurt but kids get over things A LOT faster then us Mommies:) You will get over it, dont let it fester. Friends are more important than revenge
Hope you make the right decision for your family.
Be Blessed

I'd hate to use a famous "mom" quote but I will..."Two wrongs don't make a right." I can completely understand your hurt feelings and wanting to do what seems fair, by not inviting her son to your party...BUT...You have the perfect opportunity to be the bigger person in this situation. Depending on your relationship, you may want to bite the bullet and talk to your friend about the whole situation. Your friendship could become closer because of it. If your relationship isn't that close, you can just let go of these feelings and move on from here. Just enjoy your sons party and don't let those feelings fester. You'd not only be punishing her, due to her lack of judgement, but you'd be punishing the kids too. It sounds like you've already suffered enough through this(for everyone), and it's time to just let it go.

Hi S.,

I say invite her son. Don't do "tit for tat". You be the better person which will also show your son how to treat people in the future. You say you like her, so go ahead and be the better person: Invite the son and may YOUR son have a wonderful, happy, fun-filled birthday.

K. B

If your son would like him there then I would invite him. If not then there is no reason why he should be a part of your festivities.

T

I hate to admit when I read your letter I was dumbfounded. Not once did you say or acknowledge what your son wanted! After all it will be his party. All the other stupid stuff is between the abults acting like kids. I say ask your son who he wants at his party. That way he'll have the fun. If your "friends" kids is not invited then it will because your son had other friends he wanted to play with that day. When all is said and done I hope your son has a great birthday and try to leave the childish adult stuff out of it.

S. ~ I think you should invite him. Put yourself above all the nonsense and do the right thing...especially if your son wants to invite him. The party is all about the kids, not adults. It would offend me too, but take the high road.

I believe it's up to your son. Wether it was personal or not it's on her. Don't let the same thing come from you. God bless!

I think you should ask your son if he wants to invite the child to his b day party and go from there. After all it is his party.

If you socialize with this family and your son and the other son are "friends" I think you should be the bigger person and invite the other child. My children are grown now, so I don't have these types of situations, but my youngest daughter wasn't bothered by keeping things "equal." If she was friends, she was friends. Also, if you invite the other child, it may truly convince the other Mom that what she did was wrong. Remember, how we live our lives may be the only Bible some people know.

Darling, please invite your friend's son to your son's b-day party. She has hurt you somehow and hurting her back will not make you feel better. Be the better person and don't repeat other people's mistakes. We have hard times not repeating our own mistakes, so why even bother repeating someone elses.

See if your son wants him there! Its his birthday party!

This is your oldest child, so it hurts when you think he's being slighted. Our friends don't always treat us the way we would treat them. You could let this get under your skin and ruin your friendship, or, you could tell her how it made you feel and be done with it, or you could just blow it off.

I think your feelings are hurt for a good reason, but.....YOUR SON'S WISHES ARE MORE IMPORTANT!!!! Ask your son if he wants to invite his friend. If so, do it! If not, don't feel bad about it.

And, regardless of whether or not you invite her son, if you really want to continue to be good friends with this mom, you need to have an honest talk with her about how you're feeling. If you don't, it will always be in your head anyway and will affect the relationship. Don't accuse her of anything, just tell her how you feel and why you feel that way (because her friendship is so special to you).

When my kids were preschoolers, the etiquette was that anyone having a party was supposed to invite the whole class....no exceptions. It wasn't until grade school when kids were old enough to choose which kids they considered "friends" that they wanted to invite. I think your friend made a big mistake and you are right; the halloween party was probably to cover her guilt and make amends for her earlier mistake. That having been said, I would go ahead and invite her son anyway. Be the bigger person and do the right thing! Then don't say another word about the issue, to her or anyone else. Do not allow a resentment to build which your kids will sense and will eat at you. Life is too short to obsess about these things! Chances are, these people will not be in the same school as you forever....you will move on to new friends and learn from the experience.

Don't lose sleep over this! Throw your child a great party, invite the whole class and anyone else you want to, take lots of pictures and have fun!! Be in the present moment with your family and create a memory. Make it so when you look back, you and your kids remember that fun party and not all this pettiness.

K. G.....whose kids are now 16 and 14! And who remembers some AWESOME preschool parties!!

Hi S.,
I understand your plight, but does your son want his friend at his party? If he does then you have to put your feelings aside and invite him.
Good luck,
S.

I would leave it entirely up to your son......does your son want her son there? Does YOUR son consider her son a friend?!?!?! SHE told you that is what she did, that is why she didn't invite your son so do the same...that is the RIGHT thing to do.................My neighbor across the street did the same thing to my 4 y/o daughter because she said that is what her daughter who is older wanted (only girls her age) but she invited a 2 year old boy from down the block.....it was really MEAN in my case because she lives directly across the street with a jumpy castle, etc. which were all in plain view for my daughter to see along with all of the other party guests....needless to say I will never talk to that neighbor again.............All the best to you

Hello Dear,

I just went through the same situation few weeks ago, my son just turn 5 on October 1st. I let my son decided who he wanted to invite.I limited the party to 16 kids and I sat with him to do the list, he left the out the friend who did not invited him to his party. I told him to invite the friends who were really special to him and he did, if he wanted the friend who did not invited him, oh well! I would of invited him. Not that you wanted to but that will make his mom feel bad. I always try to keep in mind that it is his birthday, and try to please him, a hard thing to do because he have few wild friends that I would left uninvited, but we as moms have to do what you have to do.
Something else always follow your mom guts they never failed.
Good luck and Happy Birthday to your son. I am enjoying my son 5’s; I can tell that he is maturing.
By the way I also have a 21 month old.

I think you should leave it up to your son - it's his party after all. If he would like the little boy there, then he should be invited. That being said, I completely understand how you feel. My feelings would be a little hurt, too!

Hi. I realize that you are probably getting lots of advice on this one... I imagine it resonates on some level with everyone. But, this is my advice to you:

Make this about your son and nothing more. Let him make the guest list. Don't focus on the "rejection" of the other boy. It will be one of many more to come in his life and he has to figure out he is going to handle those types of things. Unfortunately that is just how it will be and your actions will define his actions today and in the future. Make sure he knows he is better than that... that's it just a tiny glitch on the big screen. And utlimately, let him decide if this other boy is one HE cares enough about to have around on his special day.

Afterwards, when the dust is settled, you might want to approach the mother who hurt you. That will probably be the only way you'll have a true friendship & not have this looming over you.

I wish you the best of luck! I hope your son has an incredible Birthday Party!!

--P.

I think that you should take your son's feelings into consideration. Ask him who he wants to invite and go from there...it's his party and he should be the one deciding which friends he wants to join him. Also, don't dwell on things that don't have a serious effect on your life, there are so many "more important" things in our daily lives that take priority. Good luck!

Oh wow S., Why so dramatic? It is just a kids birthday party? There are far more important things to worry about, my 10 year old has a kidney stone, I spent 8 hrs in the ER with her recently, I was worried about her needing surgery!

Honey you have to figure our the real reason why this is bothering you so much and DO NOT let this flow over on to the children.

Be the bigger person and invite the child if the children are still friends. This should be about the boys not the parents. Don't worry about things you cannot control, will you remember this in 6 months? If you do then refocus your life on your family and not other peoples.

I am older and wiser now I am 47, my guess is you haven't reached your 40's yet. Take a deep breath teenage years are around the corner. I hope all you Mom's stay on this site when my 3 reach it, they are 11,10 and 9 yesterday!

God bless girl
M. F

S.,
I would invite the boy to your son's party if it's one of his friends, and he wants him to come. I wouldn't base my list on how people treat me, but rather how I would "want" to be treated. Remember: forgive & forget is for our benefit, not others'. Don't let negative feelings bottle up inside, just let it go & enjoy!
C.
WAHM with 2 boys
www.beachbodycoach.com/motherto2

I don't think you should invite your friend's son. However, if the fact that you weren't invited bothers you and you feel close enough to her, ask her why she did not invite you guys. You seem to like her and want to continue being friends, so get it cleared and you'll know where you have her. I know it's not easy, but sometimes it's for the best!

Good luck!
M.

Well, though I am an older mom and my children are grown, I would invite the child anyway,mainly to show that I am not a bitter person, and show that in a way,I can be a better person.
Besides, it is your son's party, and maybe ask him IF he would like his friend to come. After all, it is his party.
I can understand hurt feelings, and I would have felt bad myself,but, look at it this way,one more gift! Only kidding. But consider it for your son's sake.
Hope this helps, at least a little.
H.

I think you should do what your son wants to do. Just ask him to help with the list of kids to invite. If he leaves that little boy out, ask him if he wants to invite him. Then you'll have your answer. Kids are great in the way that they don't hold grudges like us adults do...please don't get me wrong, I would feel EXACTLY the same way, so I'm not saying you are doing anything wrong. Good luck! Its a tough situation, either way. :)

Did you ever think that perhaps your friend was trying to spare your son's feelings when everyone there at the party is from his preschool class? Maybe she's the overthinker, and doesn't want him to feel left out if he doesn't know every child? I think you and your husband may be more bothered about it than your son. I think you should ask your son who will be on his Birthday list, and go along with this decision. If you should start acting 'funny' in front of this mom and her son, he will sense it and perhaps treat him badly. Be the mature one in the friendship and invite the child if your son wants him there. You'll sleep better.

As you probably already teach your children: 2 wrongs don't make a right. Actions speak louder to our children than words so if this is what you are teaching you need to carry that action out.

I would ask your son if he wants to invite him and if he does then I would. If it was your birthday I would defintely not invite her to send her a message but this is your sons b-day and it is really about him.

I agree with the others that you should ask your son who he wants to invite to his party. If he wants to invite your friends son, then so be it. If not, then fine too.

The discontent is between you and your friend, not the two boys. I think it will be unfair to the boys that they have to fight a war when they didn't even have anything to do with it. I think you should consider your son's happiness over your own and carry on as he wants for his birthday party, regardless of what you think of the other mom.

In the meantime, I agree with the other mom, that you may want to reconsider your relationship with the other mom to determine if she considers you a "good friend" like you do her or maybe she just considers you as an "acquaintance".

You are obviously very torn. I can tell you want to invite your friend and her son but are confused with your emotions. I feel you should invite them. After all, it's a kids party. The boys won't understand the situation going on with the adults, they may get hurt by each other for not sharing in their birthday celebrations. I say be the bigger person, forgive and move on. Holding a grudge will only hurt you. Don't let something like this ruin a friendship and keep the boys separated. Have a great time at the party!!

would your son want his friend there?

Does your son want to invite this little boy? If they are still friends and enjoy being together, then suck it up and invite him. Be the bigger person.

Hi S.,

I would be the bigger person and invite him. It is about your son anyway and if he is his friend. I would invite him.

Hope everything turns out well!

Hey, S.~ The obvious answer is to tell her to kiss off and hope she actually notices. However, the mature thing to do is to open your doors to whomever your son wants at the party. He doesnt need to know about all of the nonsence the last party caused; he only needs to have fun with his friends. Honestly, if she's that close of a friend, I'd pull her aside at the party and NICELY call her out. I'd tell her straight up that it hurt your feelings (and your son's if it did) and you thought y'all were closer friends than that. So much for ASSuming, right?! You know as a woman, you have to get it off your chest, but don't let your children get in the middle of this rediculous situation. No, it wasn't fair, but these kids are going to grow up together- do you really want to start this now knowing it could trickle into later years?

Hello - I believe that two wrongs don't make a right. I would invite the boy, and on the day of the party find some time, in a corner, with just the mom, and casually make the comment that your son was very hurt at not having been invited to her sons birthday party and that it falls on us parents to help our kids make the right decisions though it may not be what we want.

Hi S., I would have to agree with the other mom, ask your son. If they are friends and he really wants him there than that is the right thing to do. I also wanted to touch on the other point. I cannot imagine any of my "Good Friends" not inviting me or my daughter to a birthday party. So maybe you need to rethink your friendship with this woman and realize you may not be her "good friend". And if that is the case and the boys are friends, then that is fine. I just would not want you to leave your self open for disappointment in the future. Good luck!

I would say do not invite.
I remember growing up in my neighborhood one of my neighborhood buddies was often over at my house. For some reason, my friend's mother didn't like for me or my sister to go to her house to play, but it was always fine for her daughter to come to my house to play.

Then one day, my Mom got sick of it and said "Until you can play at "so-and so"'s house, she cannot play at ours." We then went to my friend's house, and her mother's reply was "Fine!!!"

That was that. Eventually she did allow for my sis and I to come over and play with her daughter. Maybe she saw how unreasonable she was for denying her daughter's playmate's to come over.

Tit for tat, maybe your friend will know what its like to be a "reject" when you decide to not invite her son to your son's bday party. Give her the same BS excuse she gave you, "you don't have room."

She does not sound like a true friend to me.

if your husband is saying don't invite this boy because they didn't invite your son, well then, yes, he is making it personal. Why does it matter? Do you think your son cares about adult problems? Let your son play with his friend! Invite the boy over! Whatever reason your son wasn't invited, be the bigger person and invite who you know your son would want there. Be careful not to take things too personal in life.....most of the time there are no bad intentions. Good luck.

I would probably have to agree with your husband, but do what your gut tells you. You don't want to feel bad later or be uncomfortable. Make sure it is your decision, she is your supposed friend. Birthday parties and these situations are getting to be too much stress lately for everyone. Good Luck! www.DiscoveryToysLink.com/LisaRyan
LisaM

I would be inclined to take your husband's advice, but I'm having a bad day, too ;) Seriously, I would explain to her why I felt hurt that she didn't invite my son, (if your son was hurt by the non-invite, then that is going to hold more weight with her than if it is just your feelings that were hurt) but also let her know you will forgive and forget, and allow her to explain. You also mentioned that she has a large house, but unless she has help to clean it, it can be rather daunting to clean up after a party,especially a large one. Maybe an offer to help after the party... You might also ask your son who he wants to invite, use his list to choose the guests.

I don't have too much experience with this seeing that my daughter just turned 15 months, but have had similar experiences. How about you just leave it up to your son. After all, it's his bday, and he should be able to share his special day with whomever he really feels is his friend. I know it's hard, but try putting your problems with your friend aside for him. After all, you don't really need to continue to socialize with her after all of this is said and done. Remember, your son will start picking his own friends now, and you may not always like the parents, but your son should have whomever is special to him join him on his special day.
Sorry- I hope this was at least a bit helpful! GOOD LUCK!!

If the boys are good friends then invite him. Don't drag the children into silly adult "tit for tat" types of squabbles. If the little boy would have been invited had your son gone to his party, then not inviting him is just kinda petty. Your son will pick up on this and you would not be teaching him a good lesson.

Does your son really want this boy to come to his party? Was your son upset by not being invited to the other boys party? I would ask your son who he wants to come to his party and go from there. You don't want him upset because his friend didn't come to his party if he wants him there.

Are you ready to dump this friend? if so you are doing a good job. Friends don't play the pay back game. Go talk to her. Have your son flip a coin: face he comes so you can see his face, tails so you can watch him leave.

I agree that you should ask your son but keep in mind that our kids learn by watching us as well as by watching others. They also hear more than we think they do so if you have been discussing this matter his actions maybe a reflection of what he has heard you say. "Good" friends seem to be hard to come by these days but they are out there and we all fall off the wagon sometimes not thinking about the outcome before we do something. And we do things to try and make them better. But if everyone walks around with a chip on their shoulder then life isn't as fun and enjoyable as it could be. I say the more the merrier and your son deserves to have many friends in his circle. You can teach him that it takes alot of different people to make this world go around and the only actions that we have true control over is our own. It is not about what happens to us but how we react to them that lets us sleep well at night. Have "fun" at the party.

I hope that you will invite him (them?) if you really want them to be there and not if you don't. I doubt there are any repercussions in this case as you were all recently together at a Halloween Party.

We had a similar experience this year with my daughter's sixth birthday and there was some fall out and some hurt feelings but my child simply needed to set some boundaries with some of the kids and, in the long run, I think it was right to respect her wishes regarding the guest list.

I also tend to have more kids over than advised and find it's not so much a matter of how much space is available but how much energy and attention is available that the children (and adults) have an enjoyable experience.

She is your friend, and friends, by definition, understand our situations, respect our limits and are there when we need them.

Enjoy the party, and be thankful to have more friends than you know what to do with (lol!)

L. D., happily married mom of three

It seems pretty petty on both sides ...

Some people stink. Bottom line is, do your sons have FUN together? If you son is going to have fun, then invite the kid. If not, DON'T.

Don't get caught up in playground mommy politics. Everyone loses.

Just my 2 cents.

:) C.

It's so hard whne someone does something that hurts our feelings, whether intentional or not. Perhaps her son didn't want your son to come, for whatever reason. My daughter has always played with my friends daughter and as they got older, she still liked my friend's daughter, but her daughter was a little goofy and wild and immature, so she was embarassed to have her over with her other more mature friends. She still invited her to her parties, but I think it was out of being nice rather than really wanting to share the day with her. This friend has since matured a little and so has my daughter to the point where she doesn't care what other people think, she just want sto hang out with her friends on her special day. As a loving lesson for you son, regardless of what other people give us or invite us to, or who their mom is and what she has done, encourage him to think of the special friends that he wants to play with on his birthday. That's the point of a party, right? To spend your special day surrounded by the people that make you feel good. If your friend's son is on his list of good friends, invite him. Be the better person. And, as a gesture, if you didn't already, make sure you have a gift for her son, since you knew it was his birthday. The purpose of a birthday is for everyone to celebrate the life of a person, teach your son that you treasure him and want to celebrate with whomever he wants. Obviously if yuo have a budget or space restriction, you can say 10 friends only, or whatever and have him choose his favorite 10. Good Luck, I'm sure it was not intended to hurt anyone and perhaps your friend, regardless of he space, wanted to keep the party small and maybe a few people pushed themselves in that put her over the limit already. Tell your son Happy Birthday! Remind him you are so glad he was born and is healthy.

I think this is a great time for you to be the example for your son. How would you want him to be as a man? Do you want him to be a forgiving man who opens his home to all of his friends, or do you want him to be concerned with this sort of messy social stuff that can lead to hurt feelings (as yours got hurt) gossip, and other ugly things? I think that you should be the bigger person here. In fact, if anything it will make her feel even worse that you were the bigger person. Your son will get to see his friend (afterall it isn't the boys' fault that there are grown up issues here) and he'll get another gift! :) A former boss of mine used to tell me: "Give your enemies sh** with a smile!" My two cents... good luck!

I think you should ask your son who he would like to invite to his birthday party since it is his celebration. Children do not understand all of this she didn't invite my child so why should I invite hers issue. Kill them with kindness is always great advice. When it comes to our children we are very protective so I understand your defensivness in the situation. Be a better person and teach your son by example. Invite anyone he would like to have, regardless of wether or not he was invited to their parties.