Should I Have Another Child?

I have a 16 year old and have often regretted not having another. He recently told me he's lonely and would have loved a sibling.
I had a horrible pregnancy (emotionally) and yet-if I could would have one but I'm 35 and have a teenager.

Hi A.,

I understand how you're torn emotionally. My first daughter was what I called my "textbook baby" -- conception, pregnancy, (except for being induced) delivery, breastfeeding, development....you name it everything went as planned...and when I got preg almost exactly around her 2nd b-day I was expecting more of the same. Oh no, that was the first of 3 miscarriages.
Add to that, secondary infertility. Approaching late 20's I thought is it really worth it? Megan wasn't showing the stereotypes (negative) of the "lonely only" and I hope that soon stops w/ this generation. In fact, b/c she was an only, I made more of an effort to instill good manners and teach sharing that she was one of the best-behaved children in preschool/storytime/playdates. In fact, on the very first day of preschool, she was very concerned about a boy who was crying, not ready to let go of his mom. Other kids were, as expected, all self-absorbed into their own world...but she went to the teacher and asked what was wrong...and replied "I'll be his friend." That was 6 yrs ago and they are still friends. So please let go of society's negatives perception of only children. A nearby newspaper often has articles about the positive side, in fact only children families are the largest growing family in the US now.

As for me, w/ much prayer...adding to our family WAS worth it. 4yrs after that 1st miscarriage, I gave birth to a new daughter and son.

As for help, is there a church in your community that offers outreach? Also, mothers' groups like "MOPS" (Mothers of Preschoolers) are a wonderful support.

Peace,
K.

A. - Hello! Please know that every pregnancy is different! AND every end result of pregnancy is different! I'll share my story with you ... got married at 32.5 and got pregnant with 1st child (lovely girl) at 32.75. Had an easy and wonderful pregnancy. Never went into labor nor did my baby drop. Had to have a c-section. Turns out this saved my baby's life (her never dropping and me never going into labor). Needless to say, she had complications after she was born. She was in and out of Good Sam's and then Children's NICU for the first two weeks of her life. We were scared to death!!! I'm happy to say, she got better (she had AIT). Then, I got pregnant at 35 with baby #2 (another lovely girl). By that time, I was what they refer to as "AMA" (Advanced Maternal Age). Had a wonderful pregnancy; but we were concerned that this baby was going to go through what our first baby did. So, to avoid complications, I had a c-section three weeks early. Turns out she was completely healthy and did not suffer from AIT like her big sis. The point to my story is ... you just never know. I, personally, think it is in the hands of the big guy upstairs! :)

As for you possibly wanting another child, but your husband does not; please talk to your husband. If you haven't already; please sit down and tell him your thoughts and feelings on why you would want another child. He probably has not considered some of your reasons. But also remember to listen to his thoughts, feelings and concerns as to why he doesn't want another child. You will then be able to come to a mutual decision. And like a woman posted earlier; your daughter will not grow up completely alone, she will have step-siblings. GOOD LUCK and I hope my advice has helped!

Hi, A. --

I'm an only child, mother of an only child, so I get asked ALL THE TIME whether I am going to have another child. My daughter was the most ornery, insane baby that ever came to earth (and came RELUCTANTLY, at that), and we did NOT have a good babyhood with her. She's grown into an incredible nearly four-year-old who is smart, beautiful, confident and wants to take over the world! She's great in every way, but she's turbo-charged and doesn't do anything without some kind of analysis or contest. I know this temperament will help her get what she wants out of life, but her will is as strong as we can possible handle, and the path's been so exhausting that we decided she would be our only one.

Personally, I do NOT feel bad about this decision whatsoever. I am the type of person who wants to invest in her in every way, myself - and give her all the love and opportunities for fun and growth and education and stimuli that a person can have. I know if I had more kids, I'd have to spread myself across them, and I don't feel that I could do for them everything I would want to, or give of myself to them as much as I would feel they'd deserve. There's just not enough time or energy in the day to be the best parent I can be to more than one, and my husband feels the same way.

I know that some people think of having kids as more of a numbers thing -- they aim for 2 or 3 or 4 or one of each gender, etc. That kind of thinking is very foreign to me, and as much as I try to understand it, I always feel mystified. I want to mother this person, and she's enough for me. She's enough to make our home feel complete. So I can't really comprehend why we would need more. Also, with so many kids in foster care and orphanages, it would be far better to give one of them a home. I think about that ALL the time.

As an only child, I can tell you that I take very seriously the responsibility I will have for my parents' care when they are older. This is something I am already preparing for and something that's been a part of my thinking since I was young. I never minded not having siblings, and I still do not regret not having any. I know few people who feel as close to their siblings as they do to their chosen friends. Not that there are not people with beautiful sibling relationships, but I don't know very many of them... not enough, anyway, to persuade me that having another child would be the best thing I could do for my daughter. In any case, I definitely feel that you should NOT produce a child FOR another child. That creates a weird subordinate relationship, to my mind. Each person who's created should be created for his or her own sake, NOT for their utility to someone else, in my opinion.

As far as family goes, my goal is to always surround my daughter with family and extended family and "surrogate" family (friends) who will feel as much like her own flesh and blood as possible. If she's like me, she'll make wonderful frienships and find lots of ways to have an enriching life, despite the absence of brothers and sisters.

I don't know if this helps or not, but I really think you should listen to your own heart. There's nothing wrong with just having one child. There's nothing wrong with having no children. And there's nothing wrong with having 10 kids. It's all about what feels right to you - it's not something you should do for any reason other than that you are eager to bring another person into the world and give your best to them. And if you already feel you've done that, I think that's absolutely fine. Each of us has struggles, and, in the end, the presence or absence of siblings probably is not the greatest determinant of our happiness in life.

I've been a happy only child who has a small, close circle of friends and a terrific relationship with my parents. I don't feel alone at all, and I seldom ever have.

I wish you the best.

Take care,
H.

There's been so many great answers already,with many great alternatives: adoption, prayer etc.
Just a note from an only child: I am 35 and NEVER missed having a sibling. I've felt different from others and misunderstood, but never lonely (oddly enough), and I never thought that having a sibling would have solved my problems. My mom, who also was an only child is in her 60s now and with her parents no longer with us she SOMETIMES thinks it would have been nice to have some family around, who remembers her when she was little.
The thing about being the only is that you learn to relate to the rest of the world as your family, and treat your friends as your siblings - not just focus on your keen.
Being a mother of an only 3 year old girl, I am going to embrace another child if they come, but am not planning on it. Wish you to hear your heart in this most important decision.

Hi Anna,

My mom had me late in life and I had 4 older brothers and sisters. It was like growing up an only child because from my earliest memories it was just me and my parents.

I can honestly say that I never minded not having a sibling my own age. My parents were very loving and attentive. I never lacked for attention and they were able to do things for me that they weren't able to do for my brothers and sisters. I was not lonely because they filled my time and went out of their way to make me feel special. I had friends and sleepovers and it was great being the only kid so to speak. So being an only child will not guarantee that your child will miss out on anything.

Having said that, just like my mom I have 5 kids. The last one was a birth control baby and a doozy of a surprise. We had just moved here and our 4th child was only 4 months old at the time. I can say that God, in his infinite love and wisdom, has a way of enlarging your heart and your life when another one comes along. Those little ones come along and just fit in the family like there was a hole you didn't even know you had. Lila is almost 16 months old now and I can't imagine being able to breathe in a world where she didn't exsist. Like another poster I love my big family. It is loud and rowdy and sometimes messy, but it is joyful and fun and never, ever boring. They make me laugh every single day and each one of them has improved me as a mom and a human being.

So I guess this is the long way of saying that there are blessings to both. If you pray about it and seriously talk to your husband about it and make a decision that you both feel is right, then God will work it out either way. You and your husband are the key ingredient to your happy family regardless of how many children you have.

Good luck with your decision and may it bring you peace.

L.

I too had a very rough pregnancy and pre-eclampsia. It was awful.My blood pressure was so high through my entire 3rd trimester. I had an awful OB and when I finally went to be induced, the nurses at the hospital couldn't believe how high my bp was. Not to mention the fact that I have very high protein content in my urine. They simply were appalled at the treatment I'd been receiving. I was induced for 2 days and it didn't take. By this time I was so swollen from the fluids and I was on complete and total bedrest. We opted for a c-section on the 3rd day of induction. It resulted in a beautiful little girl, but it was tough road. My husband and I are currently trying for #2. I have done a lot of research on pre-eclampsia and it's more likely that you'll get it with your first than with any other children. I know it's a tough decision. We weighed our options for a really long time before we decided on #2. If you do decide on just one, there's nothing wrong with being an only child. There is also nothing wrong with wanted to give your little girl a playmate. (((HUGS))) to you.

A. a few thoughts to ponder...

1.) If you don't want another child because you are afraid of the pregnancy- every pregnancy is different. I had a still born baby before my four... I was willing to try again because, I realy loved childrena nd wanted more. I was perified and very cautious but things turned out terrific.

2.) My third child was very ill her first year, my husband and I decided we were not going to have any more children. About 8 months later my fourth was born and he is ablessing and out family feels complete and i can not imagine life with out him.

3.) I am an only child and I HATED IT. the pressure to be perfect becasue I was the only one was something people NOT MY PARENTS presented to me daily. I now have NOONE to share my life experiences with. I have no one to remind me of a different perspective on an event or tell me thier versions, or share my memories or remind me of times I have forgotten.

4.) If you don't want another child becasue you really don;t want another one- don't do it. Kids know when their parents feel they are a burden and are not wanted.

:-) Hope that helps. I would have 20 more if I could but, I don;t think I would be as good of a mom if I had more kids so....

We, rather I, had the same thought when my oldest was about 2. My husband is an only child, and has said that he sees how I am with my siblings and sometimes feels like he missed out.

He really didn't want another, and to get the first, we had to go through IVF, so figured we'd have to go the same route for a second. We talked it over and talked it over, and finally decided to give it a go - I was more enthusiastic about it than he was though. We started an IVF and had to switch to an IUI - but we did get pregnant, and I had to have progesterone and other shots the entire pregnancy, pretty much just like the first pregnancy.

Daughter #2 is SUCH a daddy's girl, and he's loving it. He constantly thanks me for "talking him into it". Our daughters are 3 years apart, and they get along very well.

With both daughters we had scheduled c-sections, and it went much better the 2nd time than the first. The recovery went much better too.

My husband is by far "not scared for life" for not having a sibling, but like I said, has told me sometimes he feels like he's missing out.

Anyway - for what it's worth....

Good luck!

I would always reccommend to have more than one child - don't just think of her growing up alone - what about after you and her dad are gone - she could have a sibling or two to have close family around.

God Bless your decision and family :)

Just because the other children are older and she's "alone" as the little one doesn't mean she has to "grow up alone". There are NUMEROUS ways to be involved in MOPS groups, in home mom get togethers, etc.

DONT push your husband (and your finances) if he really doesn't want to. It's not worth ruining your marriage over when you can find other ways to have your daughter involved w/ other kids.

She's also old enough for a sleepover (we did our first one at 3) She is ALSO an "only child" because her half brothers from her birth mom are teenagers and mom doesn't associate w/ them.

We are constantly taking her places to be involved with other kids, having sleepovers, playtime, church events, etc. Trust me......this child feels ANYTHING but lonely!

There is so much pressure these days to have more than one child. It is a decision that you need to discuss with your hubby. Tell him ALL of your feelings.

My son is 8 and he has a almost 2 yo sister. We went back and forth for quite a while before we decided. I was the same as you. With only 2 cousins that lived far away and pretty much no chance of any other cousins, we decided to have another. I enjoy the large age gap, but sometimes I am exhausted. My oldest is awesome with his sister.

Don't let societys opinion of the perfect family size of 4 - 5 sway your decision. There are some very happy only children in this world that do very well. You and your hubby need to listen to your heart.

Good luck. I truly sympathize with your predicament and hope that everything works out. The right decision is the one that you make together.

We have a now 6yr. old and a 2 yr. old. We had our second daughter partly because of not wanting to have the 6 yr. old by herself.
OUr 2 yr. has been a wonderful blessing to all of us.

My husband has grown children.

In our case it was right for us to have a second one. I would definitely do some praying in your situation. It will be a tough choice.

A.....If it were me I would be thinking about adoption. You could get a child of about the same age as your daughter.
God bless.....M. B.

Hi A.,
I know I am late with my response ... but can't help :-D When I first read your Request, it seemed to me the reason you don't want another child is mainly because of your labor/delivery/post delivery. I never had any complications with my children (I had them at 31, 34, 37) so I can't say I know what you went through! If this were me, I would talk to my doctor about what happened and what could be done differently. I would also ask what are the statistics for this happening again. Once you are satisfied (you may even need to get a 2nd opinion) you and your husband may look at things differently! One child is a Blessing; but, you may decide on MORE Blessings!!!!
Keep us posted :-D

Hi A.,
I would say yes to another child because you would not want your child growing up all alone. God forbid if something would happen and she is alone that would be a lonely situation for her. I have a son who is 6-1/2 and I have not had another child yet. I do want another one and I feel so bad for him because he has been asking for one for a couple of years now and he I noticed that he gets lonely at times. I grew up with three sibilings so I know how it feels to have sibilings around and I want that for my son as well. But I think it is something you and your husband should consider..

Take Care

M.

It doesn't sound like your husband wants more kids and it doesn't sound like you're too big on the idea either. And you are both getting older and may not have the energy to properly raise two young children. You shouldn't have a second child to provide a playmate for your first child. Enroll her in activities with other kids or look for other playgroups in your area. With one child you will have a lot more resources to look into better schools or a variety of classes she could attend. One child can be wonderful too, and I’m sure your daughter will love having the extra time and attention from you!

If neither of you want another child, I think you should listen to those feelings. Being an only child is not a bad thing. You could talk to any adult only-children you know and get some feedback on what she may experience, and talk to your daughter too, and make it the best experience you can.

I don't think anyone on this website can maket he decision for you. You need to discuss it with your husband. If he doesn't want another child, and you're saying you don't think you want another child.... well, the answer is pretty clear to me. A lot of children grow up with no siblings, they won't be all alone... they will have their friends, and their family.

PRAY PRAY PRAY! Allow God to help you with the decision, and then you can TRUST that HIS plan is far better than anything we can come up with on our own.

Pray and Trust

DH and i are baiscally only children we have half siblings that we aren't close to his he only has seen twice ever and my half brother is 10 years my junior and i left home when he was 7 and never only lived with him and my mom for a couple years anyways. that being said we have 4 and want more, someone else said they'd have 20 if they could and that is me, only i just might. lol. I love everything about it, i love the hassle and the craziness and the constant activity and just being mom, i never thought i had a place in the world till i had kids, BUT i look at other families with only one or even two and there is so much more they get to do, money isn't as tight, they have more time for little susie to do all the things she wants and they don't have to pick and choose the way we do, sometimes it's just plain hard to know that there are things my kids miss out on because i just can't be in 4 places at once. So either situation has it's perks, my kids are close and will have lifelong bonds to get them through tough times, but there is the drawback of missed activities ect.

as for socialization, it's been said but it's also true you can find it outside of the home, i homeschool and boy all i hear is people talking about socialization, becasue obviously my kids don't get any and NEVER leave the house, lol. but play dates and parks and classes offer all sorts of ways for kids to interact and make friends and form those same bonds that your DD could have with a sibling.

good luck.

If you both dont want one, then I say no. I do understand being concerned about your litte girl needing someone to play with. Maybe try to find a mom's club or play group for her and you both could make new friends-that might also offer some help and support that a family would give (since you said you had none around). Babies are wonderful, but I think go with your gut!

I would have another, I have friend that is the only and married a only child. They never have any help now that they have a child. It is your and your husbands choice. Also I work at a hospital. When parents get old it is hard on a only child to watch and have to sometimes take care of her parents with no support. Have a sibling is a great thing. Here are two sites. You might want to think of a different hospital, why did you get a infection? Alot of infections in the hospital can be caused from the hospital.
Also there is always adoption!

http://www.blueribbonbaby.org/

http://www.preeclampsia.org/

Hey A., My fiance and I are going through the same thing. We are so torn about having another baby. We started really late in life. Eli came when I was 29 and Dave was 34, so having another one would put me in my 30s and him in his upper 30s. I hate to think about Eli growing up alone. That is my big motivator. Dave's sister is 13 years younger than him and he said it was horrible growing up alone. That is my biiiig motivator. But remember your little girl has step siblings, so she wouldn't be completely alone. And remember that it sounds like your husband isn't interested in another child. You have to respect his wishes as well. Talk it over until you're blue in the face!! It is a very big deal. Did you doc say that there's a good chance you would have the same problems if you had another one, too? If it will put your life in jeopardy then it's a big fat no in my opinion. Good luck to you!! I hope I've been some help!!

Hi A.,
That's a tough question. In my case, I had always wanted two or more and really can't complain about either pregnancy or labor (though the second delivery was easier and quicker than the first). Unfortunately, you have a rough delivery and recovery to deal with and the fact that neither of you seem to really want another. If husband/wife or both don't want another, they probably shouldn't have one - I think it would be too hard on the children and the marriage. I would just make sure you ask yourself honestly, will you be okay with not trying for a second? Could you handle another child, emotionally and financially? Also, since you mentioned her growing up alone - what about her half siblings? Are they considerably older, not close, etc? My neice will probably be an only child (her mom has some health issues) and we're close - she gets along great with my two although they're all 4 years apart (9,5,7mo). So I wouldn't say she's growing up alone.
I hope you get some advice that helps - It's such a hard decision. Good Luck!

My husband and I are going through the same thing. First of all, I would not let the end of your pregnancy be a determination of how the next pregnancy will go b/c every pregnancy is different. If your husband does not want any more kids, then respect the decision. My husband doesn't want another child either, so we are not trying at this point. It is hard for me b/c I do want another child so that my son does not grow up alone. I was an only child and always wished for a sibling. However, my mom was a single mom and I was in daycare. Besides wanting a sibling, I also wanted my mom to stay home with me. It is different with my son b/c I am a stay at home mom and he has me every day. I do have lots of friends with children, so I make sure that we have other kids over during the week or go to other people's homes. I think about the future a lot and think about how many kids in the world grow up as only children (just look at China where virtually every child is an only child). These kids still grow up well adjusted (as did I). The point is, life is never all happy and we adjust to it. I know of some friends that have had siblings that wished desperately to be an only child! Anyway, respect your husband's wishes. Your little girl can have lots of sleep overs and hang out with her friends. Once she is a little older, in school and into sports, she might cherish the time alone that she will have with you and your husband. And in time, your husband may be open to a foster child or adoption. One of my friends had a son. She and her husband decided after he was born that they were kinda done :). When her son turned 9, they opened up their home to foster children or to one foster child so far. It was a boy their son's age. Her son and the foster boy immediately bonded and became best friends. They did everything together. Pretty soon my friend's family couldn't imagine their lives without their foster son and adopted him. So now her son has a sibling! And they love it. Another friend of mine has a son who has an much older sibling and pretty much is growing up as an only child. Any time, I go over there, there are always other kids at the house and according to my friend these kids are there every day. So, her son has plenty of company and does not miss growing up "alone". All this to say that there are other opportunities to have children around other than getting pregnant again...

You should only have another child if YOU want to teach and raise another child. Your little girl will be just fine and will make friends that will take the place of a brother or sister. I have 3 kids, but my youngest is 7 years behind the other two. They were too old to play with him or have anything much in common and then they grew up and moved away so he is basically an only child. He does fine.
Personally, I would not have a child past age 35.

I too have just one child, and am very unsure of having more. I didn't have any of the issues you did, but can say I feel a little guilty that he doesn't have siblings to play with. I grew up with an older brother and an older sister and can't imagine my life without them.

Having said that, you have to have another child because YOU want to give another child all the love and hope in the world that they deserve. Not because you want your kid to have someone else to hang out with. That's like getting a dog, and then getting a second one because you think the first one is lonely. You have twice the effort and expense on your hands when you really technically didn't want two dogs, you were just worried about the first one. I'm sorry if that seems like a crude analogy but it was the best one I could think of.

For me personally, the answer was moving to a neighborhood where there are an abundance of kids his age, and inviting his cousins over more to have them play together, they just adore each other. He'll never be alone just because I decide not to have other children, and neither will your daughter.

The only thing I want to mention (and you have probably already read it with all the responses you've received) is that if neither of you are ready or wanting another, then don't rush it. But, if it is your fear of what happened last time, don't let that get in your way. Each pregnancy and each baby is different. There are things you can do to help prevent toxemia and help you to deliver a baby vaginally without intervention. If you do decide to have another child, I would recommend hiring a doula. I had a doula present at both of my children's births and I wouldn't have it any other way. With my daughter, if my doula had not been there, I would have probably ended up with a cesarean birth. With my son, she helped me get into different positions to puch so I would be able to push more effectively.

Hope that helps.

God bless,
A.

I definitely don't think you should have another child unless it's something you and your husband both want. Having a child simply to provide a full-time sibling for your daughter is not a good reason to have a child. If your honest reasosn for not wanting another child is simply a fear about the pregnancy/delivery part of the equation, then that's different. There are things you can do to ensure a safe, healthy pregnancy/delivery - however, keep in mind that anything can happen to any one at any time. Nothing is guaranteed - to go right or wrong.

Bottom line - keep the lines of communication open with your hubby and despite him having children from a previous relationship, decide together if the TWO OF YOU want to have another child in THIS relationship. Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. By the way, growing up an only child isn't the worst thing in the world. :)

A brother or sister is a wonderful blessing, but like other folks have said she has his other two children to connect with.

If you feel that you want another child I would talk to your husband about your feelings. It's not fair of him to assume you wouldn't want another because he already had two. And I would most defnitely talk to your oby-gyn about the pre eclampsia. We went through placental abruptio with our first (we were so blessed the nurse/doctor paid close attention to our baby's heartbeat and did an emergency c-section) and it made me extremely nervous the whole time with our 2nd.

As for being 35 I would not worry about that. Studies show that women who have babies later in life actually go through menopause later and live longer. And it's not that much more of a risk for possible birth issues if you really look at the doctor's chart for age versus birth defects. The doctor explained to me that the magical age of 35 for recommended amnio (I never had one) is because the risk of having a miscarriage because of the amnio evens out to the risk of a birth defect. It's not like our eggs go bad instantly at 35! Sorry to go on, but I also have some friends who made comments when I had my second at 35 and it's a definite sore spot.

So, it's of course up to you. Though I sort of think you wouldn't be thinking of it if some part of you weren't REALLY thinking of it. :) I'm 38 and my husband is 42 and we're still going back and forth on whether we should have a 3rd!

Best wishes in your decision. I'm sure your little girl will have a life filled with love no matter what your choice is.

My only advice is to go with your heart on this. It doesn't sound like you really want another child. Having another child for the sake of your first is really not a great reason - that's what play dates and friends are for. A bad labor isn't guaranteed to repeat itself, but it doesn't sound like that's the only reason for you.

Hi A.. I understand about blended families... I have 3 boys from a previous marriage, my husband has 2 girls from a previous marriage, and we have the baby together. I love our ginormous family and all the craziness that goes along with it. With that said, I think you have to absolutely want more children to have more children. I've always wanted a large family. It doesn't sound like you or your hubby are too keen on having any more. I don't think that you should have another child just because you don't want your daughter to grow up without siblings. She has 2 already from your husbands previous marriage, so she will have the best of both worlds.... siblings at home at times, and an only child at times. I know that my oldest boy wishes he were an only child at times lol.

Best of luck to you with whatever you decide!

Hi there.

Personally, I couldn't just have one child.

About the pre-eclampsia. That is just awful. There are ways to avoid it. Eat more eggs and peanut butter in that last month and it helps to prevent it.

Doctor's don't do a very good job talking to pregnant women about nutrition. They just assume I suppose.

I can understand your hubby's lack of desire for a fourth child, but he's with you now. Children of course are expensive. I hope you can talk it out with him and feel good about whatever decision the two of you make together.