An Only Child

I don't think it is selfish at all. We are planning on only having one child, although that decision is not 100% final (she is three now). She goes to daycare, is around other children (including her cousin), and is involved in other activities. She never seems lacking at home, for not having a sibling. She does not know any difference. I had a sister and absolutely loved it, but there were definately times where I hated it as well!

I see you have a lot of great replys, but I thought I would add my two cents also. I am an only child. My mom wanted more, but it just didn't happen. My parents always said how happy there were for the one they got. I think the worst part is that when my parents get older it will all me on my shoulders to deal with everything. It was nice because I always had my parents to my self. We have a very wonderfull bond that no one else seems to get. My mom and I talk every day on the phone and every Sat. I take the grandkids out to grandma and grandpas and we spend the day. My mom thinks it's funny because I want at least 4 kids. I have 2 right now and am going to start foster care soon to hopefully adopt some kids! Also when I was about 10 I really felt bad about not having anyone to play with so my parnts bought me a dog. This may sound funny, but that dog really was like my sister! We did every thing togeather! Over all I think it was nice being a only child! good luck

Hi Stacy,

Don't feel not having another child is being selfish. You have real concerns and they are valid concerns. I only have one child not by choice but that is just how it worked out and I feel blessed to have the child I have. Feel luckey and if it comes around and you end up having another then great. Even only children thrive and have great relationships with other kids. Good luck

D.

Hi S.,

I have never responded to a post but I am going to with this one because I feel so strongly about it. Whether to have an only child or not is a very personal decision and there are a myrid of factors involved in that decision, but I am in the same boat you are...

I personally had a very easy pregnancy and a quick birth - so quick I couldn't have any drugs :( - but I also feel selfish in the fact that I do not 'think' I want to have more children. My 2 yr. old son is the most beautiful and wonderful thing to ever grace this planet but I find myself constantly struggling with the fact that I don't think I want to do this all again. I get the 'I can't believe it' looks and the questions of 'WHY???' when I tell people I think I am done having children. From breastfeeding, to 'being responsible' 24/7, to worring about him constantly, to wondering what life will be like for him in 10 or 15 or 20 years, I feel like I only have it 'in me' to do it this one time, but I am going to do the very, very best I can with this blessing I have.

This probably doesn't help at all - but I wanted you to know that others struggle with the same question, "Am I selfish to deprive him of all the blessings a sibling can bring?" I think at the end of the day, there are daycare/school friends, cousins, neighbors and family friends that will be there for your daughter 'like a sibling'.

No matter what you decide, just remember that almost everything about raising a child is a personal decision - everyone will have an opinion to share with you but only you and your husband will know what feels right. Please don't beat yourself up for feeling like one child is enough, just think of the things that worry you about her being an only child (spoiled, selfish, social troubles) and make efforts everyday to make sure they don't happen. I also think there are benefits to being an only child too, maybe you just need to make a list of those things to remind yourself it's not all negative.

it's interesting how similar our stories are. We also tried for 2 years before finally going through IVF to have our daughter. Then when my daughter was born I had a brain aneurysm that burst twice. Both she and I were in the hospital for 2 weeks and separated...it was rough. My husband is 15 years older than me, also.
so, for your question, it's not selfish at all to have just one child. There are lots of things you can do to help your daughter with things that a sibling would have helped her with. Find a good friend for her that she can be with a lot and learn to share with, etc. Have cousins over a lot, be a foster parent... you get the idea. I know lots of only children and they are great and don't resent being the only child. THere are lots of advantages for your daughter in being the only child. Plus, if you are doing this out of fears for your health, that is not selfish, but smart...you wouldn't want your daughter to lose her mommy.
i hope this helps. good luck to you and I'm glad you are doing okay.
A.

S.,
It isn't selfish at all. Your concerns are really and just. My husband and I lost our son at 5 months along in the pregnancy and had a very scary delivery when the Dr's decided they could not stop him from coming. It took three years before we had our daughter but still there was a scary a bit later at 7 months which lead to my 3 month stay in the hospital until her birth. Thankfully I had a great high risk team of Dr's to look over us and she is perfect. I will say this to you and your husband it isn't an easy task to bring about life and if it puts your lives in harms way it is too much of a risk. We thought long and hard about having another after our daughter but in the end we decided it was better to not risk it. The thought of them going on without me or losing another child was too much. We always left adoption as an option if we came to the decision another was a must for our family but is was going to be a family decision and we included our daughter in it. Though we didn't adopt due to the possibility of taking in 2 little girls from a family member in a tough situation around the same time it is a wonderful option available to you. I hope this helps and congratulations on your little one! They grow up so fast enjoy every moment!
Kath

DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU!!!!! There was actually just an article in Parents about singletons, and how the supposed "disadvantages" of being an only can not only be easily overcome but how sometimes they're advantages. I would say, though, that #1 and #2 are reasons you should seriously think about. Lots of people have children later in life; you would not be alone. Weigh the pros and cons carefully. Also, especially after a trying pregnancy, very few women want to think about another one; most people say they're done at that time! The horror will subside and you'll be able to think more clearly about it. I had a rough pregnancy w/ #2, but it's been 22 months and it's starting to fade. If you look carefully at those two and still decide #3 is perfectly valid, then one child is what's right for you.

I can understand why you are hesitant to get pregnant again. I had a very rough first delivery and my daughter had to be extracted using a pump after I pushed for nearly 4 hours. Then I became infertile because of Polysystic Ovarian Syndrome and was not able to conceive. I used no protection for 5 years. When you cannot conceive you long for another baby.
I went to Weight Watchers and lost a whole bunch of weight and soon after discovered I was pregnant! Thankfully she was breech and delivered by C Section. I was terrified of having another vaginal delivery!
So no I don't think it's selfish to want to have only one but don't do something permanent just-in-case you want another one years down the road.

heres the most important thing about parenting: ONLY YOU know what is best for you and your family. if you want to only have one child, thats up to YOU and YOU ALONE.

only children are not the horror most people imagine. a magazine i read recently had a whole article on the positives and negatives of being and having an only child. it might be lonely at times, but there are things you can do about that. your closest friend with kids could give your child some companionship. you could exchange child care once in a while, or if you work and dad works, being in a child care surrounding will help with that also. remember priorities...

also, if you later truly want another child, there are MANY other options! foster care, foster to adopt, or adoption in general is ALWAYS a great thing, though it can be expensive. i dont know what your community is like, but some people can get away with a fundraiser to adopt a child, either here or overseas. ive heard that overseas adoption is easier and less expensive than american, which is a shame, but the truth ive seen.

anyway, its only been a couple months since you had your child. just take a break. we have one 2 1/2 year old son, and we are fine with him for now. maybe someday in the future we will have another child, maybe not. maybe we would adopt. we just dont know, and thats fine right now. we always use the "hes enough of a handful right now" line. :D and hes really a great kid for being an only; although i do child care in my home, that might help.

but no matter what you decide, let it be what is best for YOU not for everyone else. a lot of people think its just plain aweful for a child to be alone, but a lot more people are choosing to stop at one these days. thats just fine if it makes you happy! :D

as far as birth control, i dont know if you ahve thought about it yet, but i use the mirena. i was told it does not affect breastfeeding - i was still nursing when i had it placed, and it never seemed to bother anything. your doctor would have more information. but it lasts for 5 years, giving you another "excuse" not to hurry into having another child! :D

anyway good luck. and know that you are doing what you think its best, and thats the only way to go!

I share a similar situation with you. I also have PCOS and it took us 1.5 years to concieve our first son. I too had a really rough pregnancy...I ended up with a severe blood clot and was hospitalized for a week. We did have another child 18 months later. So we now have been blessed we two children.

You need to do what is right for you. Don't worry about what other people think. Some people have one child and that is perfectly fine. I have 3 friends who are only children and did not grow up lonely and are very well adjusted. It is very hard to make that decision to have another child after a rough pregnancy..it was hard for us and I was scared the entire time. My second pregancy was a breeze and everything went fine. Which might be the case for you too. But again, if you feel that one child is best for you...don't weigh into other peoples opinions...because ultimately it is you that is living your own life.

Just as an FYI...majority of time with PCOS it is easier to concieve the 2nd time around..doctors say that the symptoms of PCOS can lessen after a pregnancy. Sometimes going into the "trying" process with the mindset of "if we get pregnant great but if we don't that is okay too" lessens the stress on both you and your husband. You already have one beautiful daughter so an addition would just be an added blessing....just my two cents.

D

S.-

I think it's a personal decision you and your husband have to make. My husband and I have been debating having a third child after two rough pregnancies (4 months of bedrest with the second). There are many factors that can go into this decision and it's really a choice that only the two of you can make. Don't let pressure from society sway you. My husband is an only child and is a perfectly happy, normal adult...well, mostly :) Good luck with your decision!

-L.

I think you need to do what is best for you and your family. If you are worried about your health during pregnancy don't do it. Adoption is always another option if you want another child but do not want to physically "make" a biological child. Adoption wouldn't make them any less yours. I know someone who just adopted. She was in her late 30's and he was in his early 40's. This decision is totally yours and your "friends" need to respect that decision.

You've received a lot of responses, and they all seem to same the same thing I'm going to -- you need to make the right choice for your family.

My husband and I always wanted 2 children -- we both have siblings and would like our son to have that experience as well. With that said -- I too have some medical complications and we are not positive we'll be able to conceive another child.

It is kind of ironic that you commented about feeling "selfish" for only wanting one child -- I feel selfish for want two. I feel like I am asking to much of God when I am asking for yet another little miracle (which is what our son is).

You can never control what others will say or think, but at the end of each day your decision truly is about ONLY your immediate family. Your child's relationships can be found in friendships as well -- my best friend from high school is an only child and he has always told me that he found the sister he never had. My husband and I are close to him, his wife, his parents -- in fact, my friend and his wife are our son's God parents.

Don't worry too much. Trust in yourself.

I am an only child and growing up I did not care for it. But nowdays, they say only child is the new "perfect family" instead of "one of each" like it used to be. My parents never had more because of medical problems also. They were truly unable to do so. If you think it will not be good to get pregnant again, then don't! Nothing says you need to have more. As long as the one you have is loved and cherished, that's all that matters.

Hi S. - I have what may be a slightly different take. My husband and I always "knew" we'd have two kids. We had our daughter and it was rough. She was colicky - for the first three months if she was awake she was screaming. I slipped into a pretty bad post partum depression and had to be treated. Things eventually turned around, but I can tell you that until she was about one the thought of another child made me realllllllly stop and think.

When she turned one we decided we were ready and started trying for #2. Over a year later, trying everything we could think of (acupuncture, massage, herbal remedies, and finally traditional fertility drugs and procedures) - all of which failed, we had to come to the realization that it was not meant to be. All our 'tests' had come back 100% normal so no one could point to any reason why we could not get pregnant. Once we decided to draw the line (emotionally and financially) and stop treatment we grieved. But then, something in me clicked and I started to realize how special things will be for my daughter now. I stopped seeing all the down sides of having an only child and saw the positives. We could give her more than we ever thought, we could enrich her lives through travel to locations we couldn't afford or handle taking more than one child, we could provide for her in ways we hadn't imagined. In addition, my husband and I were already through all the big hurdles (night waking, bottles, diapers, etc) and had hardly noticed. I really "got right" with what we'd been handed.

I know there is SO much societal pressure to have more than one child. Especially if you're middle class or above economically. And yes, sometimes I do wonder if people will think hubby and I are 'selfish' for only having one. But I think my body just knew I was not a good candidate for another little one and I have to trust that still small voice inside. That's the only important thing!

I wish you the best in your thought process. But more than anything - give it time! These are the hardest days you'll face by far!! Just know that whatever you decide is the right thing.

S.,

I do not think it is selfish. I have one perfect baby girl who was born 9/20/08. We too had fertitlity issues, we had her after 3 rounds of ivf. Although I sometimes worry about her being an only child I know several only children that are perfectly happy adults. I am afraid to go through the trying process again because it can be so stressful and I do not want her to suffer in anyway when I get so sad that a procedure did not work.
The way I like to look at it is, we will have more to offer her, more love, more attention, more opportunities, more money. We will bring a friend of hers on vacations with us when she is older, we will take cousins on outings,she will have companionship that way.
Most important is to do what YOU feel is right for you and your family.
A.

Hi. :)
You have to do what is right for you and husband, regardless of what other people think....period.
Now with that said ;)....
I understand completely about tough pregnancies and how daunting a 2nd pregnancy can be. My first daughter(Meg) was an awful pregnancy!!! I had pre-eclampsia which turned over to eclampsia and I had to be induced immediately. With Meg I was on bedrest, high blood pressure (160/100 at the end), nausea,thyroid was thrown off, and I gained so much water weight that i couldn't touch my fingers together (not even close), and I gained 220 pounds! After delivery, I got an infection and had to be put on IV meds. That was the first pregnancy. I was scared to death about getting pregnant again!!! S-C-A-R-E-D! However, When Meg was a little over 1 year old, she was such a blessing to us and we were so happy to have her, that we decided that we'd leave it up to God. My doctor had told my that my thyroid was so outta whack, that I would never get pregnant again...so of course, I ended up getting pregnant again--and again--and again ---5 times in all :) For me, my all my pregnancies have been hard, but for me it became "normal" and I knew how to handle the stresses of a difficult pregnancy, which I know sounds odd.
At the end of the day I can't imagine our life any different. I am a big believer that if it's possible to have more than 1 child, you should, because I think it's good for the child. They learn to share, be compassionate, patience, and in our case, frugal. They don't get everything they want because someone might get left out or because we don't have enough money so they save their money if they want something special. Also, Pat and I have learned valuable lessons. That we don't have to give our kids THINGS, but our time and attention, that we don't need to have the latest and greatest but to appreciate what we have, and to realize how precious life is, and how lucky we are.
So, at the end of the day, I hope I answered your questions...but give yourself time. You don't have to decide today or tomorrow. Feelings and situations may change a year or 2 from now, and you may be willing to undergo the necessary treatments and have a 2nd baby...I wouldn't close your mind to the possibility to more children so soon after having your first. Good Luck and God Bless :)

You do not have to get pregnant to have another child, their is always adoption. My husband's aunt has two sons and then they decided to adopt a little girl a few years after the boys were born. She has been a beautiful addition to their family and we have all been blessed through that process they went through.

I have a brother and a sister and was separated from our brother when he was born, which has torn my family apart. My sister and I do not speak because I looked and found my brother and our birth parents (which she resents) and the fact that she has chosen to be a lesbian and flaunts it, I do not want my children to be around that environment. My husband has 4 younger siblings (his youngest sister is 6 months older than our daughter =Þ)
I think that every child is special and that people should not say that they can only financially support one, if you happen to get pregnant what you just discard it cause you can't afford it??? God provides. If you can afford to have 1 then it is possible to have another. You never know what will happen in the future.

My daughter is 5 years older than my son and we are thinking about having another now that he is 3. I know that all my friends that are only children has ALWAYS wanted siblings and I would never want my children to miss out on that aspect of growing up.

I am so sorry to hear about your difficult pregnancy!! I can understand how you would be scared to have another child.

Ultimately the decision is between you and your husband. I can tell you my experience and you can do with it what you please.

I have PCOS and getting pregnant can be hard at times. I have been able to help increase my chances of pregnancy through diet and exercise. It can be stressful at times. A couple of my pregnancies have been difficult and ended in stillbirths. Honestly that was pure agony. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. After the last stillbirth we really thought that was it, but God must have thought differently. I became pregnant with our daughter. I prayed constantly that this child would live. By the Grace of God she made it and we are sooo very happy. I am 41 years old and she is six months. Some people have made comments on that fact that we are older and she came unexpectedly. I have heard "OOPs" once or twice. I tell them there is no "OOPs" about it. She was planned by God and we are blessed to have her. He did for us what we were to scared to do and we are thankful!!!

My other children are so pleased to have her. I have two sons. One of them passed away and the other is living. My living son prayed hard for a brother and was heartbroken when his brother died. When our youngest was born one of his friend asked him if he wished he had a brother instead. He said, "Are you kidding! Look at her! Isn't she the sweetest thing you ever saw?!"

My six year old daughter is very blunt and honest. When our youngest was born she looked at me and said, "I am so happy God sent this baby with it's soul! If they are born after their soul went to heaven, we don't get to keep them." All my older children just adore her. She has been the best gift for all of us. She teaches my children how to share, be patient, how to be understanding and thoughtful.

It can turn out good.

If your friends think that planning an only child is selfish, they can have many. How many children you have or don't have is not a group decision.

Both of my girls' deliveries were very complicated and literally almost killed me. (we too spent time in the critical care unit!) So it was my doctor who flat out said to us "I don't really want to do this again!" It helped in making our decision to be done w/kids, even though I was hoping for at least 3 kids. I suggest you talk to your doctor about it, and not until your baby is a year old! :-) You can put stock in your doctors' opinion if you trust him/her and it can help you make your decision. It sure sounds like you are done, but don't do anything you may regret (like a vasectomy) until you've had time to get used to the baby you do have and again, seek a professional opinion. ENJOY THAT BABY! :-)

HI S.,
there is nothing wrong with having one child. Did you know they are smarter? Anyway I do know what you are going through on some level. When are son was born after a long labor he was in ICU for 5 days. I was afraid to go through that again so it took 4 years before I even wanted to think about it, so you do have time. Anyway between jobs and insurance we didn't try then. We tried about 1 1/2 years later for about a year, it didn't happen and we decided it was ok. Our son is a happy 15 year old with 3 close friends. We are both 51 by the way and have been married 33 years. We don't regret having just one. Sure we feel sad sometime that he doesn't have a sibling and misses the interaction but it's ok. My husband is the oldest of 4 boys and I have a sister who is 7 1/2 years older. Having the age spread I did it's almost like I was an only child with a sibling at times.
What is best for your family is what is right with the number of children you have.
Be prepared to open your home to your child's friends. We've had plenty of "spares" around the house. Our son has a trundle bed for sleep overs. Make sure your daughter has chores and is part of your world not just the center of it. Sometimes our son has been to much the center of our world and help accountable for his actions as much as he perhaps would have been if we had a sibling for him. I have read about families with only children and followed some of the advice. Anyway we are a happy family of 3 with a homeschooled social 15 year old that wants a drivers license but has to scrape and paint the house to earn it ( he certainally is capable). Blessings and enjoy your daughter!
(and your husband).
S.
Mamasource business owner

Wow! It sounds like you've been through a lot and that it was very traumatic for you. I hate to hear stories like this especially when it was with your first child.
First of all, this experience is still too fresh for you to make any kind of decision right now. I think you should concentrate on your baby and parenthood and put this decision on hold for now. Give yourself at least a year to recover.

I want to tell you about my 3rd child. My water broke at 31 weeks and then I had a placental abruption at 33 weeks, which required an emergency c-section. It was sooooo traumatic for me and my husband. I told him for months that I couldn't even bear the thought of having anymore children. We had to deal with premee issues for about a year. I remember when she turned 18 months old I was starting to actually want another one; however, I was still so very scared. I also have some fertility issues and it takes us a while to concieve. We concieved another baby after my daughter turned 3 and then miscarried at 13 weeks. Oh, the fear of trying again so so strong. I really wanted to be pregnant, but was so scared to miscarry again.
We did concieve again when my daughter was 4 years old. I certainly was nervous, but now I have a beautiful 2 1/2 year old and can't imagine my life without him. Because of my age 39 now, (mu husband is 42) we wanted to try to have another one closer in age, so I'm pregnant now with our 5th child. All 4 of my children are sooooo excited and love the thought of another sibling. We did miscarry last February and my oldest son who was 13 was very sad. He said "mom, I lost a sibling, it's sad for me too."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that life brings us many ups and downs and I personally hate the downs, but I learned so much through those times and I now know that these times are temporary. I think the best gift you can give your daughter someday is a sibling. The key word here is someday! You need to heal from this past experience. You will heal, it just takes time.

I will keep you in my prayers!

Hi Stacy!

It's your family, your life, and your body, and you have the right to make the decisions that are best for you. I have 2 children and there are times when I wish we had just had one. Our children have a number of friends who are "onlies" and they are charming, happy, and have lots of friends. I would say enjoy your little princess without guilt, fear, or stress of having a second child.

I had a horrible first pregnancy and ended up delivering my daughter 7weeks early, spent alot of time in the hospital and raised my daughter as a only child for 7 years. She was the apple of my eye. I devoted EVERYTHING to her and I didn't want anymore kids and by gosh NEVER wanted to be pregnant EVER again... I always said I loved having one kid I could financially do lots, I could give her lots of attention, it was just the perfect scenario.

Well that all changed and I started having baby fever and ended up having another baby. My girls are 7 years apart and I was unlucky and had another horrible pregnancy and another premature birth but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love my girls and I finally feel complete and satisified in life.

Alot of people say it's best to have your kids back to back and there is no way I could handle that nor enjoy that. My kids are so far apart in age I absolutely love it and it's like having 2 only childs in a weird way. I get to do all sorts of big girl things with my oldest and snuggle and love my baby all day. I don't have the fights and struggles like many family's have with siblings. It's all about what works for you and your family and this is what works for me.

You never know what will happen and never say never...

I see nothing wrong with having an only child there are many benefits and they don't all turn out to be spoiled brats.

There are obviously pros and cons, only you know which apply to you. YOUR FRIENDS DON'T KNOW, period. They can only speak for themselves. I doubt that you allow them to make decisions in other areas of your life, why would you listen to them in this situation. If you must ask, don't ask parents, ask those who are only children and those with siblings of the benefits AND drawbacks of each situation. Their viewpoint is going to be very different from their parents.

I tell people that I have 2 children and 1 child since there is 15 years difference between the older two and the youngest. I can tell you there is no one right way. There was good and bad about having the 2 older ones and good and bad about having a virtual only child 15 years later. I had friends who were very vocal about my choice not to have another child/children to "go with" the last one. My response was since they would have no part in raising the last child, it was really none of their business.

You will ultimately make what is the right decision for you and you need not defend it to anyone else.

S. - today, we get to make those kind of decisions (for the most part). And it truely is a personal decision. I don't think your friends are very loving if they think planning an only child is selfish. I think your friends are wrong!

With the costs of raising a child, 1 can sometimes be all most people can handle. While I have 2 children, I have friends that chose the route of 1 child. They are all very happy. Their daughter is now 20 and it has worked out wonderful for all of them.

I can understand your concerns about getting pregnant again. There is always adoption if you really want more than 1 and don't want to go thru the pregnancy issues again.

Best of luck! This is a decision between you and your husband and God.

Right now you shouldn't even be thinking about having another child, even though it is normal, but after what you have been through it is natural to not want one. I have been in your shoes. I was a high risk pregnancy and then ended up having a placental abruption. After an ambulance ride, bleeding all over and an emergency C-section, I had a beautiful baby boy. I was so scared to even think about another child, but I knew that my husband wanted another one so that our son wouldn't be an only child. After all of that, I was placed at an even higher risk pregnancy status. After about 18 months - 2 years, the desire to have another child was greater than the bad outcomes. I have gone on to have 2 more children with no problems whatsoever. I also am glad we didn't make our son an only child. Everything was about him and he has learned to share and that the world doesn't revolve around him. He also has a playmate and good friend everyday. I was 36 with my first and just had my third at 42. It is all worth it. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You need to do whats best for you and your family. I would say its too soon to rule out the possibility of more children. Give yourself a year and re-evaluate things. Now, heres the point of view from an only child : I'm an only child. My mom was unable to have any more children by the time i was 2 because of medical reasons. I'll be honest and say that overall I've always had a lonely feeling. I"ve had close cousins, and good friends but even now at 33 i see the bonds people have with sibilings (including my husband) and thats something i'll never have. It does still bother me now. I always told myself i would have more that 1 kid, and my family is now complete with 2 children. Feel free to contact me if u want to ask questions!

There are lots of people in the world.
Even without a brother or sister, your child won't be ALONE.
Some of the best "family" I have isn't the people I am related to. (I have a sister, and although we are on great terms, we rarely get together, despite living only 12 miles apart).
I don't think it's selfish to plan an only child. Most people don't PLAN the ones the have in the first place.
I planned the first one and am hoping for a second- but that's just me.

If you're listening to your gut and your heart, then you're probably not going to plan to have another child soon, but that might change. don't try to make a forever decision so soon after the birth of your first. Leave your options open.
<<<HUGS>>>.

Space~
I know this is you, and my advice is do what you are comfortable with! They always say it's easier the second time around, but what it boils down to is what you and Larry want. I think he'd have a dozen if he could! Makenzie is a blessing and she is fortunate to have the two of you for parents! She's just 2mo old so you don't have to make a decision right now, when the time is right you will know! Don't stress about it! If Makenzie gets to have a sibling and fight and bicker and love them- great, if not she is welcome to come up and do all those fun brother/sister things with my kids!
Love You~
Hersh:)

S.,

First, congratulations! Enjoy every moment with your little one. Concentrate on her for now.

Secondly, you are too close to a trying experience to decide if you would like to experience it all again. Give yourself some time before making any decisions. Also, whether or not you are blessed with another child, is really out of your hands anyway.

If I were you, I would not even think about it, and just live in the NOW with your precious little bundle of joy!

Lisa

Why on Earth would anyone tell you that your decision about your child-bearing is selfish - whether you choose to have zero, one, or five? It is your choice, your body, and your family's lives.... You need to do what is right for you!

My daughter (going to be 8 on Thursday) is an only child. There are times that she thinks she would like a sibling, but for the most part, I think she realizes just how good she has it. She gets our undivided attention, she has the opportunity to go places she wouldn't otherwise be able to go with a younger sibling in tow, we have more resources to devote to her (neither her father nor I have much money), and she has learned to be much more independent than I was (with siblings) at her age. She also makes friends everywhere she goes - so she's rarely alone for long when we go somewhere.

Now that she's older, there are times when we invite friends to come along with us. My aunt raised a wonderful daughter (now 19) as an only child, and as a teen, they "adopted" her best friend when they would travel, etc. I plan to do the same thing as my daughter grows up.

I love having one child - and her life is not hindered in any way by not having siblings.
Do what you think is right for your family and ignore whoever tells you differently.
Good luck and enjoy your princess!

There are so many emotions and thoughts and changes that you run through after a baby is born. I didn't have a difficult pregnancy, but a very worrisome pregnancy. I also ended up with an emergency C-section and had to be completely knocked out for the procedure. We ended up with a beautiful daughter that never ceases to amaze us. I went through some pretty severe post partum depression and was sure I never wanted to have another baby. But, over the next 2 years my feelings changed. We are expecting our 2nd baby any day now. At first I wasn't excited about the new baby and felt guilty that I would be losing all of the one-on-one time that I get with my daughter. I couldn't help but feel that I had made a mistake getting pregnant again. But, that has changed now too. I am very excited about having a 2nd baby. I still have a lot of worries about my delivery, but they seem minor compared to the excitement we have. If you had asked me 2 years ago if we would be having another baby I would have said definately not!! Even a year ago I would have been very reluctant to say yes. Give yourself time. Don't make any permanent decisions so soon after your daughters birth. Give yourself time to adjust. And don't worry about age! My husband was 40 when our daughter was born. He was worried about being an "old dad" but he is the most amazing father and being a dad has made him younger. Take time to enjoy your baby girl and put thoughts about a 2nd on hold for at least a year.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an only child. This is your and your husband's decision, not your friends' and familys'. You need to do what's best for you. Having a rough pregnancy can certainly weigh in on your decision on whether or not you have another child. I would suggest using some sort of birth control at this time, and possibly until your child is a year old. Revisit the subject with your husband at that time and see how you feel then. If you still feel that you don't want to have more children at that time, you could potentially pursue a more permanent form of birth control (IUD, tubal, vasectomy, etc.) if that is what you want to do. That is what my husband and I have decided to do. When family and friends bring up the subject, we just tell them that it isn't something that is open for discussion at this time and change the subject.

Good luck, and congratulations on God's blessing you with your little girl!

I think that is a decision only you and your husband can make. If your happy with just the one then that is just fine and if down the road you decide you want another you can try for another or addopt. I was an only child growning up and didnt mind it at the time. But now is when i really wish i had a sibling. My husband and i have a 2 yr old son and one on the way. I have always said i wanted at least 2 kids. I feel bad that my kids dont have true aunts and uncles and cousins. I am close with my cousins so they are like aunts and uncles and thier kids are like cousins to my kids luckily but other wise they wouldnt have any on my side. I do think it is nice to have a sibling but you have to decide what is best for you and your family.

the fact that you can make this choice means you should make it to best suit you guys. i have one child because 2 emergency ovary removals have made it quite hard to get pregnant (lol). i always wanted a lot of kids but i treasure the one i have and am able to devote all my attention to her and have more money to get her what she wants. it is expensive raising kids. plus we have been planning vacations and it is way easier to take a 12yr old than to also take a baby and diaperbag and stroller, etc. i have siblings and a mother who treated us all differently (still does) and that wasn't the ideal situation. a family is a family no matter how many members. it is too soon after your 1st experience to make the permanent decision but don't have more kids just because other people want you to.

S. m

S.
Don't let anyone make you feel selfish for not wanting additional children. You didnt' Plan on having just one, but the circumstances have presented themselves to you that way. I lost my first child- at 8 months, and we nearly lost my son and I both in child birth the second time. Then I divorced. So I got scared that I would meet a guy who wanted children, and I frankly, wasn't too interested. So I had my tubes tied for my 39th birthday, and then met the man of my dreams last fall- he has suggested wanting children- OK, I am now 41, my son is 8, I have explained the circumstances of both pregnancies, he has finally conceeded. Having an only child has it's challenges- YOU become the playmate, my son used to play hide and seek with the cats(sad isnt' it) But there are also advantages to an only child.

S.,

Thank you for posting this. I have had this on my mind for a while. My situation is similar to yours in that I am 35 and my husband is 41. My husband has a 15 year old daughter from a previous marriage and our son will be 2 in 3 weeks. I agree that there is so much societal pressure to have more than one. I'd like to have two, but am enjoying life with one. My husband is content with what he has. We have people ask when we're having a second one...I just make the comment that it'll happen when God sees it's time. Even though I may say that to people, I struggle inside myself. I really enjoyed being pregnant...I loved that bond my son and I had from the start. I'd like to have another just for the simple fact of having another child and for my son to have someone to play with,,,but see that if it's not meant for us to have another one, we'll just have to make sure we have play dates and he has friends over, etc. etc. etc.

If you feel the desire to have another child at some point, great. But it is totally fine and not at all selfish to not have a sibling for your daughter. You have to know what you can handle. My kids are now 8 and 5 and they require a lot of energy and resources. It's good to know what your family can handle - physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. Make the decision that works for you! My husband is older too (and 8 years older than me). But if you want another child it should not be a problem to do so. Most of our friends are older parents and they are all really great parents. We also have friends with only children by choice and they are doing a great job as well. As long as you're happy with your decision, it will work well for your whole family. It won't serve your daughter well to have a 2nd child and feel completely stressed about it.

Selfish!?! No way! This is your decision and your life. You make decisions that are best for your family. Life is to short to live up to other peoples expectations. Your friends should have no say or influence on what you and your husband decide is best. Sure you are scared because it all just happened. Time will tell if you guys feel up for it again. For now, just enjoy your little baby, your new family dynamic as parents and let your body recover before concerning yourself with another pregnancy. I wish you all the luck and peace of mind. Congratulations.

we have only one child and i love being able to have one on one time with him. i love having my son and me days. in fact he asks for them. having one child does have it's good and bad points. no one else to play with---don't have to share toys!! sleep overs are great---either at someone else's house or your house. i don't mind that we have only one child. in fact after seeing friends kids fight and argue with each other i kinda like having one child...

S.,
It is NOT selfish at all to have one child. Think of all the time, love, and undivided attention your little girl has. It's not selfish to have more than one child either. It's what is best for your family that you should consider. I don't know why the whole world is always so concerned with how many kids you should have. I have two boys, and of course people ask if we are going to "try for a girl." That disgusts me. As if my younger boy is not sufficient because of his gender. Anyway, it is a very overwhelming time right now for you I'm sure - having a newborn is stressful. Take your time, enjoy her, and think about more kids later if you want. (My dad was 45 when I was born, so I feel that your husband is not too old yet).

I know you have a lot of responses to wade through so I'll try and keep this short and sweet. I have one child, not by choice. We had secondary infertility and just couldn't have a second one. Then after mending broken hearts for a couple of years we decided that we would not adopt. Our daughter is six and as another poster said, we sort of passed our window for going back. Anyhow, I just wanted to say there are many many perks to having just one...easy to travel, more resources, no sibling rivalry. I do feel sorry for her when she gets lonely and I'm the constant playmate, but she has many friends and is very well adjusted. And with all due respect to the posters who say that having more than one child keeps them from becoming spoiled...I have yet to see a lot of evidence of this. I have seen onlies that are very giving and unspoiled, and families with a few kids that have spoiled kids. I think you can help your child in this aspect. Just being an only isn't what makes a child spoiled.

Big question! I'm sure that you'll get lots of different opinions:) But I would encourage you to try not to worry about that now. A newborn, especially a first child, is more than enough to focus on. Take care of yourself, spend time "in the now" with your new babe and when you get a breather in a few months (or years:) nurture your relationship with your spouse. A family is what you make it.

I have 2 now - 3 1/2 and 2 months - and although my first pregnancy was easier than yours, it was a long labor and he was colicky. Didn't sleep through the night until he was 2! So we didn't get the nerve to even think about a 2nd for a long while:) And wondered as you are, if that would affect him negatively.

But I know lots of people who aren't close with their siblings and plenty of well-adjusted only children. Surround them with loving friends/family and give them lots of positive interactions with other kids and they'll be who they'll be. It really depends on what turns out to be right for you.

Good luck!

There are definately benefits on both sides, having one or more. I think it's great to have siblings for your children so they aren't spoiled, and also never lonely, and easily learn social skills. However, after recently visiting with a cousin who has an only child, I also noticed how easy it was for her, and never any of the sibling rivalry. Her child ends up looking like "the good kid" all the time cause he normally has no one to fight with, and gets her "all", so never feels slighted. (although my 3 get plenty, beleive me...maybe a little too much).
I noticed that mostly your reasoning is the physical aspects of it, and that you didn't really have any other reasons. For that reason I would suggest to you that you consider adoption, where you will have the joy of more children without the physical worry, and be helping out an unfortunate child at the same time. God bless you in your decision making. And congrats on the baby girl!

I am so sorry for your rough experience. Having a baby can be a smooth, wonderful, relatively easy experience. I hate that for some people it just doesn't work that way. We had terrible difficulties after the birth of our last and I was deathly afraid of the idea of having another for nearly a year. Now I can completely wrap my mind around the possibility, but I have been through a lot of healing of the mind, body AND spirit.

I guess what I am saying is that I totally comprehend how scared you are right now to think of doing it all again and I don't think it is right for anyone to judge what you are feeling or what you may be planning as a result. I also want to encourage you not to let fear run your life or make your important decisions. Take time and deliberate steps to heal from your trauma. Then make healthy decisions about your family that are not based on fear and are not based on guilt. A family is an awesome blessing--whatever its size (there can be many advantages to being an only child). And yours is very special. Nobody else really has a place telling you how it should look.

I had my daughter when I was 19 and she was an only child for 11 years until about 2 years ago. It's okay to have an only child and it's not selfish at all. What's selfish is if you have kids for the wrong reasons and you and your husband will know what's right for you. I don't blame you for being a bit apprehensive after your labor - I'd be the same way. Why go through it again if you aren't sure. Having a sibling does have it's benefits but so does being an only child. Weight the pros and cons of both and decide what is best personally. It's no one else's business but your own.
Good luck.

S.

It is a little early to know for sure what you will want to do in the future but I think that accepting that you might be "done" for now is a good thing to do. It is very easy for some people to get pregnant right after giving birth so leaving it up to chance might not be the thing for you to do if you aren't sure if you want another baby.

I have only one child who is now going to be 6. It took a long while for us to have a successful pregnancy and I was on bed rest for the majority of my pregnancy. I have had the same doubts over the years. I've wondered if we've made the right decision and if I will regret it later. But that is normal human nature. To wonder if what you don't have would be better.

Let me just say that choosing not to have another baby IS NOT SELFISH!!! If you think you might have another stressful pregnancy and might have to be hospitalized that is a major disruption in any child's life. I don't know what kind of complications you had but if your health is at risk then wouldn't it be better to have one perfectly perfect child than to have something happen to you during a pregnancy?

If you want to do a search there was an article in either last months "Parenting the school years" or "Parents" magazine about only children and basically they don't come out any better or worse for not having siblings. I know people that have siblings and hate them. So having another might not be helping your child out.

Some people with more than one child just can't imagine why people would have just one. Some are very invasive with their questioning on why you aren't going to have more. Ignore them!

All I know is that if I had another child now I'd be back to diapers and sleepless nights where right now I can go anywhere and do so much with my 5 year old that things are really fun. School starts in a couple of weeks and I will have some actual time to myself that I don't have to pay a babysitter for, for the first time in almost 6 years!

Love and enjoy your baby now.

Leave the bigger decisions for when you aren't as sleep deprived.

And when people ask if you have just one answer "yep! We are perfect with one"

Good Luck

I don't think it is selfish to only have 1 child. Whatever is right for your family is right for your family. I will add, though, if you'd like to have more children but there are too many risks involved in having another biological child or you can't conceive, you could always adopt. There are so many children out there that need a good family!

In the end it up to you and your husband but here is my opinion for what its worth. People seem to ask you as soon as you have a baby if you want others.. give us a break and let us get used to having a child. People still ask me that and I say yes someday and leave it at that! Give it some time the first 6 months are pretty overwhelming but well well worth it :)

I am an only child. I hope that it is Gods plan that we eare able to have another child, if you look me up you can see it is on my mind in 5 or more months, we have one daughter now. We did not have any trouble but we were also not trying to have a baby either. As you get older it is lonely I think, my husband has 2 sisters and a brother, the sisters are close and the brothers are close. So in my eyes for me, I want my daughter to have siblings too!

If you are able to and have the desire to have another baby then you should. We are still overwhelmed right now with our 1 and she will be 1 next month so waiting a bit is our plan but you never know.
Feel free to message me if you care to talk more about this.

Blessings and good luck, let us know what you decide.

Give it some time, and don't count out a second child, even if you end up with a few years between them. My sons are almost 8 years apart. I thought that the oldest was going to be an only child, and was really okay with it. Then I got pregnant and had another at 42. When I had son #2, son #1 asked me why it took so long for us to give him a brother, and was quite upset, so you might want to consider that your daughter might want a sibling. Big brother loves baby brother, and they play together on the floor in spite of, or perhaps because of, the age difference. Also, my father-in-law is an only child, and I know it was difficult for him when his father and uncle died within a short time of each other. He had to run around taking care of things for his mom and manage his uncle's estate, since there were no other family members to help. He was really worn out by the time everything was taken care of. Just something to think about for the long run.

Really, it's your choice, and nobody else's business. Like many other parenting choices, it's one that you will have more peace about the less you discuss it with others. People love to tell you you've made the wrong decision, are doing things wrong, etc. When in reality, there is very little about being a parent that is 100% wrong or 100% for every family in the world. There is only what is right or wrong for your family.

I will tell you that my sister and her husband have chosen to have only one child due to circumstances very similar to yours. Fortunately, my nephew will have many of the benefits, and none of the drawbacks of siblings in the form of his two cousins.

Every pregnancy is different, while this one was a bit rough the next one may be a breeze you never can tell. As far as the number of children you have, that is your decision alone no matter what other people may think. I have a newphew who only had one child and said that is enough and then there is my son who already has a little one (just turned 1 on the 12th) and they are expecting their 2nd the middle of september and they are planning for more babies in the future. The decision is between you and your husband and possibly the Dr. Give yourself a while before thinkking about having another one and consult with your physician who can advise you if they think another pregnancy would as rough as the first.

You have a TON of responses here and the bottom line is really it has to be you and your hubby's choice. All though I have not noticed anyone touching on an even bigger picture. It is still of coarse your choice but I was a child with a sibling that was 12 years older then me. We were never close due to the age gap, but when I was just out of high school my mom and dad split and my mom had a nervous breakdown, I cannot tell you how happy I was to have a sibling even though we were not close as adults we have grown closer because of our parents. I am not saying that you will split or have a nervous breakdown and I am not defending your friends comments but I think what someone might be saying by "selfish" might just be about the bigger picture, when they are adults and they have to take care of you, it takes a little pressure off that one child if there is another one to help out or just be there and understand completely. My brother is one that decided to only have one and that could be a great choice for his family but in the long run my nephew may end up alone helping both his parents without any help and sometimes that does make me a little sad for him.

Go for it. You both are really quite young! My husband and I were WAY older than you both are when we miraculously had our first (and only) child.

Now we really can't have any more, and I wish we could.