Should I Get Out

When I was in a relationship that I didn't deserve, I struggled with the decision to end it because of my children as well. I spent 10 miserable years waiting for my husband to get himself together (actually 17 years total marriage, but 10 just because of the kids).

I picked up Dr. Phil's CD "Self Matters" and it changed my perspective and helped me make my decision to end the relationship. The kids did not deserve the drama and chaos of the unhealthy relationship and neither did I. After this decision, I read "Ending the Search for Mr. Right" because throughout the years that I dated, I always picked the guy that ended up as an unhealthy choice.

I am 40 now and single. I work full time and provide a stable home for my girls without the fighting and disrepect that went along with the unhealthy marriage. He isn't a physical part of their lives; he chose to leave the state and his responsibilities behind. It's not always easy and it would be nice to have someone else to lean on sometimes, but I know that I made the right decision for myself and my children and hopefully, I will cross paths with Mr. Right at the right time.

"Self Matters" is also available in a book and I think a workbook as well.

I would let him go. It is dangerous to stay with someone you know is seeing other people. From what it sounds like he has already let you go. He should not be angry because you called the police on him. No one should put there hands on you, He has no right to grab you. You deserve better!

Sweetie - move on! Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally for who you are. You owe it to yourself and your children to have a good life and a good relationship that models what relationships should be like. These children are sponges and pick up on everything - teach them now that this is not a good situation and not to settle for less than what you absolutely want. Best wishes.

1. He put his hands on you.
2. He cheats.
3. He's told you he has no feelings for you.

You deserve better than that! And so do those kids. Do you want your little girl to grow up watching that relationship and believing that's how a man is supposed to treat a woman?

Just leave. Do what you need to do for a happy & full-of-life woman, mother & for those two kids.

I see every reason for you to get out and absolutely no reason for you to stay. Good luck!

Yes, you should get out in my opinion! You're 100% responsibable for molding these children for a future; are you comfortable with modeling to your daughter that he's the type of man she should seek out?? That the way he treats you is the way a man should treat a woman? Are you comfortable with your son seeing this and learning this is the way to 'keep' a woman? These kids are your, our, future - please for their sake, offer them a happy healthy childhood... he can be a father to them and love them just as much seperately from you. It's sad that seperating will hurt your children, but that's a temporary hurt (I'm a child of divorce, my parents were married 30 years, divorced when I was 17) and they will see more love and understand happiness as they see YOU happy!! YOU need to be happy to show them what happy is. Don't settle, that's what you're teaching them if you stay - to settle for what you can, even if it doesnt make you happy. I'm sorry to be so passionate about this, I have been there though, I've lived w/ unhappy parents. It's not fun from the childs perspective. Good luck, and you're in my prayers.

Hi T.,

I agree with the others. You need to move on and find someone who will love you and your children and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. This man doesn't care about you. You are simply a housekeeper and babysitter for him to play weekend dad. He's not going to "come around".

Good luck!!

T.,
I was in a similar situation once. My suggestion is to get out before that grab turns into something more. If you don't you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation, and that is not good for your children. You deserve to be treated right and your children need to see that. There is someone out there for you, that will respect you and your children. I know how hard it is to make that decision, but in the end it is the best thing for you and your children. Boys tend to learn from the father figure in their lives and if you do not do something soon, they will think that they can treat women in a hostile way.

Good luck and if you ever need to talk, send me a message.
T.

Life is too short to be unhappy. You deserve happiness and your children deserve to have a healthy relationship modeled for them. Getting out when there are children involved is tough; I know, I did it. Hang in there.

T., I agree with all the other ladies. Please get out. Have faith, you can do this and will be better off for it.
My prayers are with you and your children!
M

T., I am going to tell you this from experience; you need to get out and move on. Living like that does not help your kids at all. You are only showing them how to control women and that is not good. At the time of my divorce, I had 3 boys. They seen stuff that they should have never seen or known about at that young or age. I feel that they hurt worst than I did. I still make sure that the boys love their daddy because that is their daddy. I told them that their daddy and I are divorcing and not them and their daddy. Don't put negative in their heads, give them a good positive life. I manage to raise my boys alone. I sent 2 to college and one is graduating next week. I do not think I done a bad job. They are not trouble boys and they are still living with me although I am telling my oldest that he needs to try and live on his own. Raising htem was hard because I had to be the Mama and the daddy. Doing the Mama thing was easy but I caught the dickens doing the daddy thing but I survive and they are pretty good boys. If you are miserable, I hope that you know that you are making your kids miserable. I know because way after the divorce, my boys told me how miserable and hurt they were all the time because me and their daddy did not get alone. T., get out. Move on with your life. You can still have him involved with the kids without having to put yourself through that kind of stuff. Also, people minds snap and I don't want it to happen to you. Just move on. If you need help, there are many resources that will help you find a house and get set up in your house. The longer you stay; the worst it can get. Don't take that chance. Write me if you need too. I know how you feel.

If I were you, I wouldn't stick around. You need to find yourself someone who will love and respect you and your children. Though this man seems like he loves your kids, if he's going to put his hands on you...will it stop there? I look at it this way, if you aren't willing to stand up for yourself hwo do you expect to stand up for your kids. And if you are truely unhappy (and you sound like you are) then your kids will pick up on your emotions and they will be unhappy too. I have a friend in sort of the same situation. Just my observations, but a few thoughts to throw around. I hope it all works out for you!

YES YES YES!! Get out and don't look back. An unstable environment is worse than no in-home father figure. He can still be a great father, but it sounds like he just wants to control you. (Cake...eat it too) I am a total stranger w/ no personal insight. But, kids see and hear everything, whether you think that they do or not. You will do what you want to do...we are all like that. I don't usually respond to most of these, but, by the grace of God, I hope this helps you and your babies. -J.

T.,
It sounds to me like you should move on. Staying there for the children seems to be an excuse for easy childcare for him. The kids can sense when something is not right, and it will only hurt them in the long run. A happy well adjusted family brings about kids of the same disposition. Nowadays a family does not have to have 2 parents that live together to be called a family. What kind of lesson do you want to teach them? They should learn that sometimes separation is the best option. He can still have a relationship with the kids if he'd like, but do not stay in a situation where you are miserable. He sounds like he wants to have his fun, yet keep you under his control. Write or IM me anytime at ____@____.com.

S. J
_______FIGHT LYME DISEASE
www.ShazzArtisticVisions.com

I agree with these women, but I also grew up in a situation similar to what you are doing. My mom stayed b/c she thought that was what was best for us (and there are 3 girls including myself). You deserve better and you don't want your kids to grow up thinking that this is how it is supposed to be. He won't change, hunny, most never do. You owe it to yourself and your children to get out now while they are still you and you are too. Don't let them get to comfortable about the situation. Also, with him being with other women, do you really want him coming home to you and giving you something. There is someone out there that will be more than willing to be a great husband and father for your children, don't degrade yourself by allowing him to treat you this way. Good luck and I wish the best for you and your children.

Hi T.,
First let me say that I am sorry for your situation. I think that you should just move on. He probably won't "come around". For him to say he has no feelings at all, is not so nice at all. Even though he may not have "romantic" feelings so to speak, he should still have a kind o flove for you as the mother of his child. I do not have "romantic" feelings for my ex-husband, however, he helped me create a true miracle, my son, who I could not imagine life without. It seems to me that he wants his cake and and to eat it too. he wants to "stay together for the children", but he is not setting any kind of good example for them. "hey kids, you should stay with a family, but come and go with who you please, when you please" it doesn't make much sense.
I can totally relate to what you are going through and where you are coming from, trust me girl, he is not looking out for your best interests, so you are the only one who is really truely going to look out for you. Good Luck and I hope that I helped you in some sort of way. Stay strong momma, and tak care!

I have two simple questions for you, and I am sure you already know the answers. What kind of example are you being for your daughter? What kind of example is he being for your son? My guess is you know you need to leave, but you are scared. In the long run, your children will be glad you got them out of this environment, and you will be glad too. Yes, there will be some hard times. Regardless, if you ever meet someone else you deserve true happiness and self respect. Neither of which you are getting right now. Good luck and many prayers. I know the road ahead is long and will come with bumps and bruises. You will make it and your children will too.

He will never "come around", trust me. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave, and YES, you should leave- it sounds like he has some serious self-control issues. Him putting his hands on you in a threatening manner is a deal breaker in every sense, and that is the bottom line. If he truly cares about the children, he will be there for them regardless of whether you live there or not. Do what is truly best for the children by cutting your losses and moving on. Be strong and remember- you said it yourself- the kids are your life. You know in your heart that you love them more than anything in this world, including him. Love is a very powerful and positive motivator.

YES YES YES!! Get out! You deserve more, you need to take care of you! and your children, if they are the world to you get them out of that inviroment, do you have family that will help you, a friend. GOOD LUCK!

Yes, get out and move on and do it not only for yourself but for the kids as well. My daughter's father and I used to fight all the time and that was not the enviroment I wanted her to grow up in. And if he has gotten viloent once, more than likely he will do it again either to you or to a wall. You say you're living together for the kids and he is seeing other women, is that how you want your boys to treat women? I know it will probably be a struggle to get on your feet in the beginning but if you've got family support and utlitize the programs out there you and the kids will be fine. I was a single mom for 3yrs till my hubby came into our lives and I couldn't be happier. Now I have a beautiful baby boy with him and a father figuer for my daughter to look up to.

Good luck to you and the kids!

{{HUGS}}
S.

Yes. Move on. But make sure that you make child support arrangements and have him to assist you with the kids. Pick up from events etc.

Get out! He has no freakin right to lay his hands on you! If he just wants to be roommates, don't let him have his cake and eat it too. This being said under the presumption that he's stiil wants sex from you. But seriously, just leave! He's got alot of nerve 'not forgiving you.'

T.,
As all of the other ladies have said. Get out. You and your children deserve better. If you have no where to go try the battered women's shelter in Hampton. I hope you have a support system in place with family and friends. It can be hard to ask for help but they may not know the situtation your in, if you don't confide in them. My prayers are with you and your kids. R.....

T., please email me ____@____.com. Something is telling me to reach out to you.

T.,

I see why you think staying with him would be a good option since you feel he's been the only role model. But you need to ask yourself this: Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in? It sounds like he is not in love with you and at times shows some violent tendencies. Your children will grow up in a household that doesn't demonstrate love between mother and father. Your children learn from example and right now you are not showing them what a loving relationship should be. If they grow up in this atmosphere, then they will only mimick what they have learned. You don't sound happy either. You will not be able to change his mind or have him "come around" just because you share the bond of children. Please strongly consider moving out or have him move out. You and your children deserve better.

Have faith in yourself that you CAN raise these children on your own. There are many support programs out there that can help you if you are a single mom. One suggestion would be is to tell your boyfriend that things must change OUTSIDE the house. Have someone you trust near you in case he would get violent. Then have a timetable in mind on a move out date so he doesn't drag his feet. Try to keep it amicable, but stand firm. I wish you the best of luck. I'll say a prayer for your during this difficult time.