Should I Get Divorced with Young Kids?

Go to a marriage counselor and talk it out.
It would be nice if he went along but he doesn't have to.
While an engaged caring father is ideal - having no father is better than having an abusive father.
The kids are watching his behavior and they will think his behavior is what passes for normal and they will pattern their adult lives on what they are seeing now.
Divorce him and show them something better.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think I would try some other avenues before divorce: counseling for myself, couples counseling if he'll go, I would try talking to him calmly saying things like "it's uncomfortable for the whole family when you yell or when we have an outing and you get mad" "you seem quick to anger a lot of the times is everything going ok at work, do you feel okay health wise?" "honey please don't yell at us when you are frustrated, find another way to calmly deal with the situation at hand" etc.
Then I would do a few things to prepare yourself for a possible divorce:
-keep some money in savings for yourself
-get a side job you can do at home like watching other people's kids
-hone your office skills like typing, Word, Excel. Do these at home from your computer now in all of your spare time
-keep your eyes open for possible jobs in the future. Think of some office job you would want to do.
-watch your spending now
-Try to work through things first, divorce should be a final thing after all other things are met.

I would recommend you start counciling yourself. If he's not willing to go you can't make him. But if you work on yourself he might see a change and decide to follow or he may not. But anything to help you become a better you is good. And if it comes to divorce then you will have someone to talk to, to help you work through your emotions of it and help your kids as well.

divorce is tough, and it's hard on everyone, especially kids. it's a big thing to contemplate.

but when the rubber meets the road, what hurts your kids more? seeing their mom take on a difficult task and create a calmer, more healthy atmosphere for them, or learning how to model adult manhood on what their dad is showing them?

i know what my response would be.
khairete
S.

Either way, it's going to be hard for your kids. It will be even harder if you don't work on ways to figure out your own priorities and make things smoother for them.

So, what are you doing for yourself? Are you going to counseling to sort out any of your feelings or get some clarity? Have you worked out anything about finances? Do you have a handle on things and know where your accounts are, etc.? Going to counseling sometimes gets the other (refusing) spouse to go, sometimes not. But it does show that you are serious and it does help you develop your own coping strategies on how to handle these daily arguments. It may also show you some things you might be doing to contribute or at least not de-escalate them.

It's possible that your husband is a jerk. It's possible that you two didn't prepare emotionally and in other ways for the kids. It's possible that he's got something else going on, like mental health issues/depression. You can't get a handle on this without some objective help from someone who works with you over time.

But I commend you for realizing that this is a terrible situation for your kids if you stay in it as it is. But just having someone move out doesn't solve a thing.

You seem to be saying your husband wasn't like this before the kids. If that's the case, he may be having difficulty adjusting to life with kids, and understandably so -- life with kids is a huge adjustment and can be stressful. Not everyone can adjust to parenthood easily. I know you indicated that your older child is 5 so you may say that he's had 5 years to adjust, but it really can be hard for some people.

I personally think that he needs counseling. Even if not professional counseling, he needs someone he can talk to. Does he have friends in similar life stage he can talk to? I think that would help him get perspective. You didn't mention how he spends his time generally. Does he get some alone time? Sometimes that helps to recharge (it does for my husband).

I also think you should seek counseling on your own. A counselor may be able to give you some suggestions on how to deal with your husband when he's acting out.

I think you should try some of these things before deciding to divorce.

Your children are already being hurt by having to live with this. They'll end up like him.

You need to decide whether you want your life to be like this for years to come, with children who treat you like this, or go through the pain of a divorce. The kids are going to hurt regardless. But they will be worse off if you stay with this awful man.

I think where you've asked him to leave and are fighting - it's just negative all around, not just him.

You can stop it on your end. It takes 2 to fight. If you stop engaging (walk away, don't fight ..) the mood will change. I'm not saying anything will resolve (it won't) but some of the negativity will lift.

You also have a child who has had some difficult behaviors. That's hard. You also have a baby. That's stressful for any family. He is working - and that's stressful - so all this, is just difficult.

These years are not easy for anyone. So be realistic about that. They are not always that fun. A lot of families with small families squabble on the beach at times if you look closely. One parent often looks stressed.

So ... my advice would be to can the divorce talk at the moment. Just let that go, and try to adopt a team approach/attitude. He may not be the fun person you expected him to be - the fun dad may come later. Some guys are more fun dads in teen years. Some find babies very hard, etc. Some get a tad anxious, some depressed. Work together. Support each other.

If you can't - after really trying - then throw in the towel.

That would be my advice. I think a lot of people think it's supposed to be easier than it is - it's not easy. If he was degrading you or being awful to you - no of course not. But if he's struggling and finding it hard (often how men express this is negativity - that's also how depression manifests in men) then he might need support. Just my two cents.

If you divorce you have ZERO control over what he does with your babies on his time.

I'd much rather do my best to stay married and just leave him home than worry what was happening in his weekends

Your husband sounds depressed. Have you asked him if he is and asked him what he wants out of life? If he is unhappy, as his spouse, I see it as your duty to discuss with him ways his life could be happier.

Adjusting to kids is brutal for many people. Instead of seeing him as some meanie that is teaching your kids bad things, why not put him first? I honestly don't get this kids before spouse thing. If all is well between you and your hubby, all will be well with the kids. So, do you no longer love your husband? Do you not care that he sounds miserable and unhappy? Have you asked him what he would like out of his life to be happy? When those around us don't want to be around us, the usual thing is to go negative. Sounds like he doesn't feel much love.

Only you know what you want, but as someone who has been married for 18 years, 7 before kids, and who had some real rough spots adjusting to babies in your late 30s and early 40s, I can say that all households with babies are stressed out and not normal. In fact, my husbands best buddy came to him when his second child was 9 months and said things were awful at home, near divorce. Hubby said, suck it up man, make her happy, it's the hormones and lack of sleep and sex.

It is the hormones and lack of sleep. You don't walk away from marriage when there is a baby in the house. Nothing is normal when there is a baby in the house. We just are different people.

Time for a chat about the brutal life of a baby in the house and what you both want to do to repair your connection and rekindle your love.

I say this as someone who remembers baby number 2 and feeling my skin crawl when hubby walked into the room. Now, with baby number 3 at age 5, we are beyond all that jazz. I'm happy we hung together and talk our way out of that hell hole.

This is the very essence of marriage: hanging in there and climbing out of rough spots and being stronger for doing so.

He sounds depressed to me - it often shows as anger. Honestly, I would insist on marriage counseling AND individual counseling. If you have reached the point where you are ready to leave him over this I would tell him he needs to do x amount of time (6 months? a year?) doing this therapy or your marriage will fail and you cannot stay with him anymore. Tell him you wish for him to get better and not be so angry all the time and doing therapy is the last resort. He HAS to do it. Definitely get into therapy for yourself. With a baby and a young child you really should work HARD first on trying to fix your marriage...for your kids' sake. After a year of therapy then you can reassess how things are going. NOTE - you say you have suggested counseling many times. Don't suggest. Insist. Divorce is very hard...and very expensive. Honestly, if you divorce he is probably going to be even worse and then the kids have to spend half of the time with a father that is even more depressed and even more of a jerk. I'm not saying don't get divorced. I'm saying first do everything you can to fix this and divorce if that doesn't help.

Life is too short to be unhappy. If he refuses to get counseling, and you are unhappy then yes, I'd leave. Maybe that will get through to him?
Staying for the "sake of the kids" is usually counter-productive. If mom and dad are unhappy, the kids will be too.

Updated

Life is too short to be unhappy. If he refuses to get counseling, and you are unhappy then yes, I'd leave. Maybe that will get through to him?
Staying for the "sake of the kids" is usually counter-productive. If mom and dad are unhappy, the kids will be too.