I recently split up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years. He's always been really hard to deal with and now that its over, I know it's not going to get any better. I really don't know what to do at this point. The 3 younger kids are his and we've talked and agreed on him giving me $600 a month, 300 each paycheck and alternate weekends and he can watch the kids when I go to work, which is 5 days a week. One week I will drop them off and the next he will pick them up. Well last weekend, I watched the kids and this weekend, he didn't want to watch the kids. I asked him on Saturday to watch them so I can clean up my house and do some chores and he told me to send them to a sitter. When I asked him if he could watch them so I can go out for a little, same answer. So I don't know what to do. We've always had problems compromising with each other and I don't know if I don't have something filed against him, then what if one day he doesn't give me money or wants to see the kids only when its convenient for him. Its not fair. I feel like all he is good for is watching the kids when I go to work and gives me money once in a while. I wanted to file child support, but I've talked with a laywer and it could possibly back fire on me, because I make more money. But also I kind of don't want to give him the kids on the weekends because he goes out and drinks Friday and Saturday night until the sun comes up and can't watch the kids the next day. Thats partially why we split up. But then if I don't let him see the kids, then he gets mad and asks why I'm trying to keep the kids from him. Its not that I am trying to keep the kids from him, but I don't want him to take the kids out late at night like that and I want to know that my kids are being taken care of when I'm not there. I don't trust him. He is the type to talk and not walk the walk. What do I do?
Hi C.,
Very hard situation you're in. I feel for you. Short and sweet, listen to the advice the lady before me gave. It's right on. I wouldn't add or take away a thing.
Good luck to you!
D. G.
Yes you should file!!! The judge will do what he thinks is best for the kids. Even if you just get a parenting plan set up it will make things so much easier. I went through this last year and it was hard but I am so much happier now. Keep a journal write down the times that he should have them but doesnt take them that way you have proof of what a dirt bag he can be. If he doesnt take them just say oh well its one more day you get to have your kids and when they get older they will see what you go through and will love you more for it!!Good luck
ITA with the previous posts, DOCUMENT everything and take him to court! You have to take care of your children! Even if they don't give you much for support for the kids, you will have the peace of mind, knowing that they are being taken care of when you have them!
Good Luck!! Let us know how it turns out! *HUGS*
I completely understand that you are leary about contacting and working through a lawyer, but I feel it will probably be the best in the end.
I was with my ex-husband for 13 years (married for 6) and he sounds a lot like your ex-boyfriend. I was very meek and shy and tended to give him what he wanted, so it was extremely hard to go against his wishes and fight him with a lawyer, but I feel it was the best thing I've ever done.
I got full custody and at first was able to only allow him daily visits, no overnights because he was living with a convicted druggy who lost custody of her own 3 kids. It was really hard for a while because he constantly was mad and yelling at me for trying to keep our daughter from him, but that's not what I was doing and I think that now, after 2 years, he's finally coming to realize that I was doing what I felt was best for her.
And as a side note, I'm not one that uses my child to hurt my ex. She was 9 when we seperated and she loves her daddy very much. The issues between him and I had nothing to do with her, so she shouldn't suffer and not be able to see her dad. I set down what I felt was safest for her and tried to work with him on visits, it was him then that caused them not to be able to spend time with her. I know that no matter what she still needs her dad.
My main point is that I would not have been able to stand up against him to protect my daughter from the things I was afraid he was doing around her without the backing of legal documents.
It may not be the best for you, but at least check into it. Call around and find lawyers who have no or very low consultation fees. And set up appointments with several different ones because not all of them are really interested in doing the best for you, they just want money. Then if you decide to take legal action, go with the one who you feel most comfortable with, it's important to feel good about the person who is representing you and your children.
Good luck and I hope it works out well for you. It's extremely hard, but you can get through it, just check into as much as you can and make sure you have support of friends and family around.
C. M
C., 1st thing--You need to establish preferably full custody & residential custody through the court system if he is listed as the biological father on the birth certificate. Until you do this, if he were to take your child he doesn't have to give your child back to you if there is no proof of custody.
2nd---DOCUMENT Everything! Keep a detailed calender of events good and bad, and ledger of money received. This looks good in front of a judge. Send text messages back and forth and print copies for more documentation. Within a year, you should have enough proof to show a judge his patterns, drinking habits--Can you list where he has spent debits at bars? Anything you can to proove the facts--just be calm in court, don't come across as angry or bitter and you will be better heard. Also attend a class through the court system on shared custody to help yourself and show how you are trying. Get an earnings and expense sheet from the child support office and see how it balances out. As long as he is paying you, you might not have to file. Just keep records. Once support is established, don't ever stop it because you won't be able to get it again. It's a one time deal. Good Luck! S.
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C., i so feel for you. in my experience i would ALWAYS get it in writing. my father was fine until he remarried and then guess what - the child support came more and more rarely, and my 50 year old mother now has to work two jobs because the last time she got child support was about 2 years ago. she is afraid to have a lawyer get involved because of the four of us, only 1 is at home now and she's afraid the three of us coming of age will basically make her owe him when it's all said and done (even though he only ever paid about $300 a month). CRAPPY situation! i have a lot of friends who have been screwed over in similar ways. please please please take my advice - he'll be mad, but he'll just have to get over it. it's not like you are coming home to him, and you really need to do what is best for your kids. if he's this irresponsible with them physically, i don't see why he would bother keeping up with payments for long either. hope that helps. most women i know "know" what they should do but don't want to out of fear of making the father mad...it's not worth it. do what you have to to see your kids are taken care of. even if you make more money than he does, you're raising three kids. there are a LOT of costs in that, as you know. what my parents did was, they got it in writing, but they set the amount. the system won't mess with that if you've both agreed to it, no matter how much you make. just make it official! same with custody/visitation. protect yourself!
C.,
You definately need to get it in writing. I've been there. When my oldest son's dad and I split up we verbally agreed on custody and child support, about 6 months into it he decided that he didn't want to pay as often as he was and stopped. He was the type that wanted to be out drinking late at night from the day our son was born. It's sad but he's a dad only when it's convient for him. When my son was 3 years old I went and filed for child support and now each week I get a garnished check. It makes it so much easier and then our son is not in the middle of anything. My ex and I did agree on an amount smaller than what the state said he was to pay. You definately need and deserve to get child support. Good luck to you.
Your getting excellent advice. From the stand point of an adult now, divorce or splitting up is hard on kids. I was one of those kids who was forced to bring home the support checks when I visited dad. Grrrrr
If you can remember the dates each time your ex gave you the money write it down, date it and have him sign his name to it. Make a Leger of every thing he gives you and when.
C. if he takes your children out with him when he is drinking or will be, you are placing them in terrible danger. If he leaves them some where is it family and are the responsible. Add to your leger the dates you might of refused him access to the children and the reason. Keep good records to protect them and yourself.
I pray everything will turn out ok for all of you.
God Bless
K. aka Nana K
You should talk to a lawyer. Most lawyers will do a consultation, some will charge around $20-$50 for 1/2 hour but well worth it. They will tell you what your options are and the best way to handle this legaly. You need to get everything taken care of through the courts to protect your children and yourself.
