Sharing Expectations

Updated on June 21, 2013
F.B. asks from Kew Gardens, NY
9 answers

Mamas & Papas-

DS is 2.5, and our first and only. He seems to share well at Daycare (but they do have multiples of everything). He also shares well when it comes to other people's toys. Not so much his own. I am not sure whether this is an extension of his notion of orderliness/ or if it has to do with the fact that perhaps he isn't done playing with a thing. For example, if I try to move a truck which he has "parked" he pitches a fit and puts it back in its spot. Also, he wants to put all the cars away at the end of the night, and before leaving the house.

One of his teachers suggested trying to get kids round more often to play with DS's toys to force the sharing issue. What say you?

Thanks for your tips,
F. B.

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B..

answers from Dallas on

I think this is such an age thing. This is SO normal. My son was like this at that age, and completely the opposite at 4. He is also an only child, but totally outgrew it with nothing but gentle teaching. Although, being around lots o kiddos can help...it's quite difficult to teach when there is a crowd. Most of the teaching happened at home, with him applying it around other children.

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M.M.

answers from Chicago on

Honestly, it's a phase, and in 6 mos, you won't have this issue.

But, I agree with forcing it. And if he pitches a fit, let him. Take the toy and walk away. He'll get the picture quickly that he needs to share his toys if he likes playing with them at all.

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

he is young.
At 2.5 years old they are not even fully developed socially.
At 2 years old, they do what is called "parallel play."
Get some books, and read about Toddler development per age.

When it comes to "sharing" expectations.... it needs to be congruent with a child's age stage.
I, have never FORCED the sharing issue. With my kids. I keep my kids' age in mind and their developmental stages.
AND, I ALSO taught my kids, per age stage, that they do not have to.... share, nor everything. Meaning, they also have to learn, that some things are not to be shared. If they have something special to them, they can put it aside. And not have to, share it with a kid that is at our home for a play-date, for example.
I never FORCE my kids, to share something. And I also taught them, HOW to discern, what they want to share or can, or should not. And I also taught them how to say it. ie: "That is special to me, I don't want anyone to touch it..." or "Please don't touch that, it is special to me...." or "Mommy, I don't want anyone to touch that...."
My kids didn't learn not to share, but rather, HOW to share. And per their own cues, too. And their own boundaries. Too.
My kids share. Many things between themselves as siblings and with friends. But they also know, they can opt not to. If something is special to them or "valuable" to them in their own child way. Fine.
They KNOW they can tell, me.
It is learning boundaries.
And certainly, if someone grabs something from them, with or without asking first, they don't have to, let it happen. But if the kid is younger than them, my kids fully understand that a toddler will not "know" "how" to share, perfectly. They know, situations, of sharing.
That is important for a child, to learn.

Your child is so young. To be an expert at it.
Its okay.
He won't be like that forever.
He is at that age stage.
And they can be territorial at that age.
It is a phase.
But you teach the child, about social boundaries, how to communicate it, how to say it, and how to also know their own cues or tolerances for things.

I as an adult, well I have a special coffee mug that I like to use. I don't want anyone else to use it. Fine. I don't have to share it. I tell my family. Its no big deal.
Things are to share, or not.
And everyone will learn in time, that not everything, has to be shared.
I wouldn't want anyone else to use my "special" things.
But in toddlers, they may pitch a fit about it.
They are not articulate yet. About socializing or communicating. Or boundaries.
It is taught.

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

I once heard that a child has to learn ownership before he/she can learn to share. So, maybe he's learning that these things are his and he feels possessive over them. Seems like now would be the time for him to start learning to share. But in reality, kids have a hard time with sharing for a very long time. Play dates or taking some toys to the park would be a good way to get started.

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J.G.

answers from Chicago on

2's are all about ME, it's where they are developmentally. In fact, many wont shad or really play wih others till 3.

It's best to model sharing, and maybe find one friend to play with, but I'd avoid crowds.

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A.A.

answers from Tulsa on

I have a one and only 2 year old too. Like your son, he shared great when we were out with other kids, but the first time someone came over he followed the poor kid around and picked up whatever he was playing with as soon as his friend put it down. By the end of the hour all his toys were piled up in a corner. Now we've had a few play dates over here with his friends at his house (I always talk it up beforehand, "So and so is coming to play with you today, are you excited??") and he is great at sharing his toys over here! The only problem is he requests to have kids over more often than we can.

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

Google "toddler rules". They are cute but very true.....and the kids do eventually grow out of it. Having the experiences of sharing or having to share can be beneficial.

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S.P.

answers from New York on

Kids in my daughter's class still have sharing issues at 3 and 4. I wouldn't sweat it. It wouldn't hurt to explain about sharing now, and of course playtime helps him learn that (but he gets that in school), but it sounds pretty normal to me.

K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

So very normal & he will outgrow it. You can help by you & daddy just asking to have a turn with his toys while he is playing with him...to get him used to the idea.

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