To bounce off the lending to a friend question - do you make your kids share all the time? I don't. I ask my DD to share as appropriate, to take turns, etc. But if she has a toy she really does not want to share, we put it up during a play date or leave it in the car. I also don't allow her to tell kids that she would really like some of that or otherwise annoy people into sharing what they don't want to share. He said no, you cannot have his shark. Move on.
It's not that I'm totally selfish, but I like to keep most of my things in my posession. I would rather buy a friend lunch or give her some 1s for parking than loan her my car. I can't blame DD for not wanting to share her things all the time.
I do have my son put away the toys he doesn't want to share. Likewise, he is not to pester others into giving him some of what they have. He knows that if he wants something, to come ask me.
As an adult, I have many things I am fine sharing with people and a few I'd like to keep to myself. I think the trick, for us, is just being good at keeping track of things and if someone forget they've had it, to ask for it back sooner than later.
I will normally share my things, assuming I am able, and that I trust the person borrowing the item. My neighbour borrows my van when they need to transport a group of people, I borrow their car and trailer when I need to take large items to the dump or pick up a load of soil. Of course there are items of great personal value that I may not share or lend, but they are items I doubt anyone would want to borrow.
When my children were little and still learning about sharing the rule was either they were prepared to share the item with their friends, or the item was put away when their friends were over. If we brought toys to the beach or the pool then I expected my kids to share. They were expected to take turns with playground equipment etc. As far as snacks go I would expect my kids to share a snack providing we were in a situation where sharing is appropriate/allowed, and my child had enough to share. When my boys were younger I often brought a cooler full of freezies to the school playground after school so they could share with their friends. I usually do not allow my kids to lend items to their friends, simply because children are generally not good at looking after things and returning things. I have also taught my kids that while I do expect them to share with other that they should not expect others to share with them.
I am very proud of my boys. They are 8 and 11 years old now, and are very good at sharing without having to be reminded. They will offer their friends a piece of gum if they are having a piece of gum, or offer to let a friend have the first turn at something.
I understand. It's funny how we sometimes give things to our kids and then expect them to treat them as community property. If they have friends over to the house, they should have toys and possessions available to share, of course. If they are in school or playgroup, the possessions are community possessions (or the teacher's!) and should be shared.
But if your child has possessions they wish to keep private, that's ok. After all, you gave them to her! I think it's very important to learn to share and have taught many children to do so, but I try to remind myself what I would feel if a friend came to my place and helped herself to the food I planned for dinner in the fridge, opened my mail, and then tried on the jewelry from my necklace stand!
I agree. Some things I will share with no problem. But some things I will not loan out no matter who asks.
Canuck said it best for me.
I usually don't have to make them share, they just do it. My three boys are very close in age, and have always shared nearly everything including clothes.
I don't have a problem with sharing as an adult. I try to set a kind and generous example, without getting hung up on 'stuff' too much. I've lent money, clothes, vehicles, dishes, books, jewellery, and sunglasses. Some times the things didn't come back. Sometimes, as in the case of jewellery and sunglasses I have told the borrower to keep them as they liked them so much. I like to be able to lend and give and help in this way.
Adult staring is not the same as kid sharing in my opinion. I bought my things. My kid got his toy from me.
I've always encouraged my kids to share and for the most part they always have. But no, I never MADE them share.
However, I made it very clear that if they brought sand/pool toys to the park or beach then I expected them to share, because that was a public space and I feel sharing's an important part of being a community.
I find most kids share pretty easily and naturally (well beyond the age of three anyway!) because they like to please others and get along with others, so it's really never been an issue.
The hard part is going back, trying to get my daughters to keep track of the clothes I buy them, and not share so much :-(
I don't think you should equate your feelings of sharing with your daughter's feelings. They are like apples and oranges. Instead, think of you as her teacher for Beginning Sharing 101. Use generic toys that are NOT her favorites to help her learn. EVERYONE has to learn to share to some degree. If you don't teach her, she will still learn, but she'll learn the hard way from having meltdowns, making other adults think poorly of her and you, and losing friends if it takes too long for her to learn.
I would equate sharing her favorite toys with Advanced Sharing 301. It can be taught, but you need to give your children time to mature and take their personalities into account. My older son was not an easy kid and could not deal with sharing everything of his. It was much easier for me to put his favorites AWAY before a playdate than deal with the inevitable meltdown or him not being nice to his friends over it. As he got older and matured, he got better. My younger son was a much easier personality and was able to do this so much earlier.
